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We Make Our Own Reality

Let's get real!

I peruse many of the CD web sites (at least I used to), always looking to learn, feel connected.  A common theme I run across is the wish that society were more accepting or “gee, I wish it were possible for me to go out”.  The absolute truth of the matter is that we are our own worst enemy.  Now please bear in mind, personal circumstances are always a factor.  An unapproving spouse or not wanting the children to know, certainly valid impediments to getting out.  So allow me to set those aside as we all have issues in our lives that constrict us from doing many things we might wish to do.  I’d go to a concert every day of my life, however, responsibilities, my relationship with my wife and financial resources preclude me from doing this.

I have been out, in public, fooling no one, over 125 times last year alone. Yes, I do photograph well, so you may get the impression I “pass”.  I do not.  We have discussed this ad nauseum. Photography is misleading.  Poses allow illusion.  A still photo does not show movement, which differs greatly between men and women.  You can tell from the pictures I post, I look much better from a distance than close up. My chin is a minefield, my eyes underlined by the bags hard earned by life’s trials and tribulations.

I am tall for a woman, especially in heels.  I am reminded of that when working with many of the ladies at my volunteer gigs, lording over them like Godzilla.  I am generally in a squat position when receiving hugs.

I’ve been to restaurants, museums, stores, malls, casinos, concerts, parks, Walmarts, grocery stores, ladies rooms, bridal salons, public events, churches, theaters, flea markets, movies, charity events, fundraisers, parties and on and on.  I have been in movies and walked runways. No one gave me a free pass.  I do so smartly, appropriately and highly confidently.  I am not special or gifted.  I struggled mightily with this all for almost 50 years.   I do not say this casually. I was able to flip self-hate to joy, glee.

I too had these thoughts and feelings, but I finally took control of this part of my life.  It’s funny how age, experience, change your life view.  I went out, not to CD friendly restaurants, but to restaurants.  Not to CD friendly stores, but to stores.  You get the point.  As long as you are smart and vigilant, which the world now requires regardless of your attire, there are no excuses.  In a world where our children cannot even go to school without fear (when they actually go to school), what do we really have to be afraid of?  Certainly no more than them.  There are only excuses.  Time and again we have heard from others who get out with no issues. 

If you simply are not comfortable, then you should not go out.  But don’t blame the world, it’s all in your head.  People, not institutions, not organizations, not political parties, not religions, people, are very good, very accepting.  Connect with people and be who God made you to be!

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12 Responses

  1. Kandi,
    I agree with everything you say here. Maybe except the part where you say you look better from a distance; you look great up close as well.

    This is a great post. Well done.

    Jocelyn

  2. Thanks for that post. I got out yesterday and had a great day. My life is very busy with family issues, so anytime I can be Terri is a great day. I wish I could have made it to Erie, but will definitely make it to Keystone, well I hope I do. I know your stories help people.

  3. Kandi, I’ve said this very often but I really can’t say it enough – thank you!

    There is so much wisdom in this post and it very much describes my thought process as, one by one, I have breached my own self imposed barriers and flourished in the outside world. But as you say, we have to want to do this but if we don’t that’s fine. We just have to own it ourselves and not look to others for permission or blame them for things wholly under our own control.

  4. Hi Kandi,
    Well said and well written and so very true on each point you brought up. Us cross dressers in this day and age have it so much better than it was 20 years ago. The general public and in a lot of cases our own children are so accepting now. As you said now we are are own worst enemies in taking that first step out our front door to find out everything you’ve said is totally true and accurate.

    Trish ❤️

    1. As I have said here many times, things I write about are from my own very significant personal experience. I have been mentally where you all are or have been, so I get it!

      Have a great weekend Trish!!

  5. Kandi,
    Even from my fulltime perspective I have to live with the influence my ex-wife still exerts on not only me but my son and daughter , she still makes life difficult for me to fully relate to them and the grandchildren . We all have to live with the fall out it from her isn’t easy to set aside but I do agree with you that as members of the transgender community we have to find an inner strength to be true to oursleves and take control .

    To give other members encouragement I hope you don’t mind a story from today . I attend two painting groups as Teresa , both groups have organised a Xmas lunchtime get together , both being held at a lakeside restaurant . There are twenty plus in both groups and today we shared the large dining room with another large group . We started before hand as a normal painting group , some arrived dressed for the meal after and some like me chose to change late morning , so I did get a few complimentary comments . I did a car share with a GG friend and on arrival both had to pop to the toilets . The meal was very good and the wine went down well so we had a great time , I was busy in conversation when a waiter gently tapped me on the shoulder asking ,” Coffee for you madam ?” On leaving I thanked the manger for and enjoyable meal and mentioned I would be back on the 20th with the other group , he turned to me with a lovely smile and said , ” I’ll look forward to it my dear “.

    Kandi is right we don’t go out to CD friendly venues we simply go out to friendly venues and it’s great to say I go out with people who might be transgender friendly or basically they either don’t know and if they do they truly don’t care .

    1. Teresa, this site exists for the sole purpose of encouragement, so we welcome sharing with the community. Thanks as always, for doing so!

  6. agree-you are 100% correct. there are a bunch of us dealing with a huge fear factor. I did too and I’m sure you did as well.writings like yours serve to help the fearful.but from their view of things the hurdle is huge. what gave me the boost I needed was to have a TG friend accompany me when I took my 1st baby steps and I would urge others to do the same if possible.
    hard to convince others of the benefits of getting out there

    1. Em, we all have to find that crutch that gets us to take that first step. The more we share with our sisters, the better it gets for them. Thanks dear!!

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