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My favorite part of blogging is writing my essays. It allows me to exercise the grossly underused muscle that is my mind. It also feeds my creativity. There is nothing more exhilarating than writing something and having someone tell me that they felt the same way or that was exactly their experience. That is an awesome feeling to connect with someone that you don’t even know, to share that feeling or experience.

When I am doing my daily exercise and/or running, often times my mind will be very clear and open and a thought will simply pop into it. Those thoughts become initiatives I undertake or points I want to make here. Once such thought is this post.

For those of us born male who enjoy women’s clothing (I am purposely casting a wide net), this feeling, these experience are very, very different for each and every one of us. We are literally snowflakes. For some, it’s a need to change genders. For others, it’s simply the feeling of the clothing. Often there is a sexual component and those varieties can be many and varied. Many only dress at home. Many have to hide this part of themselves from loved ones. If you are reading this, you get the point.

There is no question, this has completely evolved for me. Fifty years of self-hate and self-loathing. Then acceptance! Then what do I do with this? How do I want to look, where do I want to go, who do I want to see me? It became clear pretty early on that I needed to do this and I need to do so very publicly. No hiding, no closet, no stay-at-home girl for me.

As I began experiencing different events and circumstances, I could not deny the great joy I found in being in those places, meeting the wonderful people I met. I am very proud of how I present myself. I have made the best with what I have to work with in terms of my body, my personal circumstances and my budget.

The undeniable truth of the matter is that for me, the absolute core of the joy is not the clothing, not “feeling like a woman”, it is how the world is reflected back to me. How I am welcome almost everywhere and anywhere I chose to go (I do chose wisely). How I am completely accepted as the good person I know that I am. Many treat me as a woman. Many treat me with courtesy and respect but acknowledge that I am indeed, male. There are quite a few that know me in both male and female modes and it is seamless and quite wonderful!

Yes, that look in the mirror and a job well done when putting myself together, is very satisfying. It is intoxicating. I cannot imagine anything better because in those moments, I am vulnerable, open to the world to look at me and make judgements and I have yet to regret one single decision to go out. I do anything and everything I can dressed. Go to the doctor dressed? Sure! A business meeting for something related to my job in a cute blazer and slacks? Of course! Need to take care of the grocery shopping in a sweater and leggings? Why even think about it! Get my vaccine at a mass vaccination site in female attire, with my male paperwork, knowing I will have to show ID? A no-brainer!

So the title of this post “Reflections” is just that, a reflection on the reflection I receive back from the world when I go out into it. And that reflection is something I am damn proud of!!


8 Responses

  1. Kandi,
    Great post! It is SO important to be happy with that reflection.
    Stay beautiful-Sherry

  2. Sorry…it took me a couple of days to get here, but I just had to stop by and spend some time looking around. Congrats Kandi, I’m sure the new Kandi’s Land will grow and bloom into something even more wonderful than your original blog. Keep casting that broad net, and don’t ever stop being the terrific narrator and inspiration you are for so many of us.


  3. Well said, Kandi! It may look different to each of us, but that reflection is also the best way to show the world that we are just as human as everyone else. ❤

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