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An Open Letter to Our Wives

This essay is my proudest accomplishment in my life, literally, outside of anything associated with my family.

This was one of my more popular essays. Time to revisit it. I am pretty proud of this one. My friend was relaying me her experiences and difficulties and I sat down and wrote this in a stream of consciousness, it just spilled out of me. I am simply talent wasted, I guess…..

This was originally written for a friend who you know from here. I am rerunning it because of another friend who you also know from here, having similar problems. No one ever said this shit was easy.

A friend is going through issues with her wife.  Frankly, I get both sides of the issue and wish I could help.  I thought I would simply put my thoughts on paper (yeah, I know this isn’t paper) and maybe somehow, some way I can help someone, somewhere.

I am writing this letter to the wives of crossdressers like myself.  This is not to the wives of the transgendered (different set of issues and nothing I can or should comment on).  This letter is not being written to those that are fetishists (giant heels, dressing like teenage hookers, yes that happens), not at all my cup of tea and another completely different set of issues.  I am speaking to the wives of those who wish to present themselves as women on occasion in a dignified and appropriate fashion, often in social settings.

This is not a choice.  This is who and what we are.  At some point in our lives, we would have done anything to make this all go away.  Almost without exception.  But it never, ever completely goes away.  It is manageable, it comes and goes, we may be able to suppress it for long periods of time, but at some point in our lives, it will consume us.  This happens for many of us on the back nine, so to speak.  In our late 40’s and our 50’s.

We have lied and/or hidden this.  Much of the lying is to ourselves.  Denial.  Complete and utter shame.  Self-loathing.  This is a mental issue (please note, please, it is a mental issue NOT a mental illness).  The truth is it is in our heads, it is a part of us.  I wish I knew why, I don’t.  Many like myself that I have met and/or spoken to, don’t know either.  Why?

I will speak about myself here.  I lied to myself, denied to myself that I am a crossdresser.  Never, ever even thought the word.  It’s a phase, it will pass.  This is the last time, I swear.  One more and then I’ll stop.  Familiar?  For me, the moment I finally stopped lying to myself, I immediately went about telling my wife.

I completely understand and defend your position, you married a man and want that man to remain your husband.  But that man you fell in love with was actually a crossdresser, whether admitted or not.  In some way, it shapes who we are, and may well have given us the traits that you actually fell in love with.  This is with us generally our entire lives.  Complete denial, absolute repression will manifest itself in some other fashion.  For me, I am convinced, had I continued to deny this, I would be an overweight alcoholic, no question.  That was the road I was on.  Now, despite the many challenges life throws at me, I am happy.  Being happy is, obviously, good for my physical and mental health.  It is also good for those around me.  I have gone from an overweight slob, with a cheesy mustache, to a borderline elite runner who makes others happy that are around me (usually).

The shame causes us to make bad decisions.  The guilt generally creates a self-loathing situation.  Freeing ourselves makes us better versions of the person you fell in love with.  Trust me, if I could change myself, I would.  But that’s not how life works, so I have found joy in what I am.  That joy is contagious.

We absolutely love you because if we didn’t, we wouldn’t torture ourselves about what we are.  You are our worlds and the reason we battle these feelings each and every day of our lives.  I completely understand your position, but please understand, this is not ever, never, going away.  It must be dealt with in one way or the other.  Lying, hiding are all due to the shame we felt in ourselves.  We love you more than you will ever know, then we can ever express.  We have just been handed a challenge that we must handle.  How we handle it is difficult because we have very few we can talk to to offer support and/or guidance.  The shame drives us back into our own heads, not always the best place to be.  Forgive us, help us, try and understand us.

PS This was written a few years back. Being completely honest, your truly is no longer a crossdresser (the old joke, the difference between a crossdresser and transgender is two years). While I would never, ever transition, in my head, I consider myself female.


37 Responses

  1. Kandi,
    I am glad you added the PS because, as I was reading the letter, I was thinking that this no longer describes Kandi based upon my reading this blog for a while. I was worried that if I commented would it come across correctly. Coming to understand oneself is not easy and is not usually quick. It is also a matter of circumstance. In your case you have a wife that appears to understand and your situation allows you to spend time as a woman fairly often. So congratulations on your journey and I hope you continue to find happiness in it.

    1. Listen, this is a fluid situation for all of us. What is true today changes in a week or year. But all I know is somehow I have figured out a way to make this a joy. Now if I could only do the same with the rest of my life……

      Thank you Leann!

  2. I considered not commenting as this reminds me of my pain. The pain I went through because my ex choose not to understand this part of me. Unfortunately for her she got caught in the time when I began to know I was more than a CD but indeed trans. I didn’t know how to deal with it so I made mistakes and I drove her away
    So now I find myself alone
    I hope others out there will realize our wives need a lot of time and more love once we realize we must be who we are it’s a very difficult road and as I like to tell others this isn’t a choice who would choose this and all that comes with it.
    Sorry to sound so negative but I’m just being real

    1. This is not negative. This is reality. This is truth. This is what this blog is for, to inspire and educate and make us all feel that we are not alone in all of this. Your comments, painful for you (and me having known you this long) is important.

  3. Kandi, as you know this could be written to my lovely wife, with the PS as an exclamation mark. Anyone reading my “Spousal Relations” post will see in print my own turmoil (which can be pretty damn personal and unique). My wife still can’t stand the thought of seeing me, but she accepts Lisa as my reality, and that is huge. Life is a journey, and the pain of yesterday or today may lead to joy tomorrow. That is part of Kandi’s story, and mine as well. At least now I no longer define myself as a broken pot (we are not broken, just shaped differently). Accepting myself as trans may have something to do with that changed inner definition. Stay beautiful. Lisa

  4. This is a truly moving post and one which anyone confessing to their wife should read before they utter a word, and not seven years after as in my case. It puts into words the simple concept I learned as a result of my own catastrophic confession and that is that our confession has to be completely focused on our wife and the impact that our revelation will have on her. Because ‘I didn’t tell you because I was trying everything I could to be the husband you wanted’ is an awful lot more likely to preserve the marriage than ‘hey, guess what, I like to wear women’s clothes!’. Unfortunately, my confession was far closer to the second one.

    The only thing I would contest is the implied distinction between crossdresser and transgender. I am not on HRT, am not planning transition in any shape or form and yet I look in the mirror when dressed and feel that the person looking back is somehow more complete and more at peace with themself. There are, of course, as many definitions of ‘transgender’ as there are people offering them but I think that including crossdressers under the transgender umbrella is justified when one looks at the continuum of transgenderism. And the example I always quote is that we don’t define medical conditions by the treatment or medication prescribed but by the symptoms; in the same way that I can have a headache and choose not to take an aspirin, I can be transgender and choose not to pursue hormonal or medical intervention.

    But this is a small point on what is an amazing post which has also prompted some fantastic comments from other responders.

    1. Amanda, your response brought tears to my eyes. This post has touched so many. The truth of the matter is we sometimes get hung up on definitions, trying to put ourselves into some category. Each and every day I am 100% male, or 100% female or a crossdresser or I ache to be a woman or a thank God I am my wife’s (male) husband. Sometimes all in the same day. Anyone reading this blog that denies one over the other is not being honest with themselves. I just completed an awesome weekend and you topped it for me.

      1. I have a feeling that I know the person who left this comment!!!

        This, of course, is where it all started for me as far as Kandi’s Land is concerned and, as I write this update, it’s just three days short of the first anniversary when, in the depths of despair at having outed myself to Mrs A for a second time, I opened it once more for what seemed like potentially the last roll of the marital dice. It not only gave me the words I needed to calmly explain things to Mrs A but also the inner strength to deliver them.

        This post didn’t just save my marriage on 21 January last year – it was instrumental in improving it by helping me to demolish the emotional wall I’d built round myself as I wrestled with the guilt of deception. And on that October day in 2021 when I read it for the first time, it brought me into a community that paved the way for an amazing journey out of the closet to places I could only dream of at that time.

        If ever there was a time when the words ‘thank you’ were completely inadequate to express my gratitude, now is that time.

  5. I love this Kandi . Thanks for writing this . It’s beautifully explained. I’m sure it’s helped a lot of people.

      1. Thank you for having me. I’m sure I’m going to enjoy my time here in Kandi Land. I appreciate you welcoming me aboard my friend 🥰

  6. Kandi,

    As you know from our correspondence and a couple of early blogs I submitted, I consider myself an acceptable writer. In fact, since I came to terms with my true self back in December of 2022, I have been working, reading, journaling and meditating in preparation to share Crystal with my Wife.

    While I expect it to go well, after a beat or two, I want to be as prepared – not rehearsed – as I can.

    Your letter pulls together my writings and thoughts in a concise, thoughtful, complete and empathetic way and I will definitely be using your letter.

    One realization if have had, it so attempt to avoid it being a “coming out confession” and make it a joyful sharing of an important self-discovery.


  7. Kandi,
    I appreciate why you segregate ” crossdressers” from ” transgender ” but from my own expereience its’ a letter most crossdresses should consider writing . Whether you chose to give the letter to your wife/partner or chicken out is possibly irrelevant , the important point is you have taken the trouble to sit and write the facts and hopefully an explanation . As I know I’m in the camp of those that needed to know after life becames almost unbearable leading to drastic consquences .

    So does it beg the question it’s also a letter a transgender person should write ? I can only speak from experiences but when we’ve come to accept being transgender the writing is on the wall anyway for most of us . We have usually taken steps that makes us more visible ( which really does need to happen ) so I found I was writing more to educate myself and pose questions for professional counsellors .

    Segregation is possibly the wrong way to view it because it’s often circumstances that permits or restricts the road we travel down . As you comment our mental state is what we really have to live with , so I consider our lives more as a juggling act , how many balls can we keep in the air before have to let them drop and see where they settle .

  8. Hi Kandi,
    On this cold gray Ohio winter morning the vitality and engaging content of Kandi’s Land is not only a treat but a deeply moving, thought provoking, affirming, and comforting place to go. This particular post ‘An Open Letter….’ is beyond important, it is foundational I would say. For those of us who live with and in the broad realm of ‘these’ issues, concerns, joys, and experiences this essay is just excellent.

    But perhaps even more than the essay itself reading the replies, the comments, sent in by your readers, is very moving. The clearly very large number of people, around the world, who share ‘this’ (however each person chooses to define their individual situation) life condition is like discovering, realizing, that there is a beautiful unseen world beneath the surface of a large lake; Lake Erie perhaps!

    As a daydream thought: Imagine a delightful, problem free, world underneath Lake Erie where ‘we’ could ……shop! dine out, travel, go to the movies, and do anything else we choose. Hmmmmm…..Wait a moment…….This sounds like what you, Kandi, do every week. You are a wonderful example, role model, inspiration, of how to pursue and attain a life of your choosing that is rich with affirmation and enjoyment.

    Thank you for this post and for what it generated from your readers. Onward for all of us!

    Marissa in Ohio

    1. Marissa,

      If you have read all my blathering, you know life has thrown me quite a few curve balls. So as a result, I am somewhat jaded, cautious, skeptical. Your comments uplifted me, gave me a renewed sense of the possible, the realities of what can actually happen! If we continue the love and support, things will indeed change. We may not be around to see it, but they will, they are despite the BS going on politically. We no longer have Negro and white water fountains, which existed in my rather lengthy life. Same will be here over time. You will read about it soon, but yesterday I made sales calls dressed as Kandi and no one cared and frankly, I think I was more successful that I would have been otherwise. Things have changed.

      Bless you sweetheart!


  9. Kandi,
    While you’ve done do much even you can celebrate something new in your life , Kandi the successful sales girl ! If they didn’t notice try and see it as a compliment , true acceptance is worth it’s weight in gold .

  10. Kandi, I read the posted letter you sent me less than 2 years ago again and cried….again. The letter saved me and my marriage as you know. It set my journey on a wonderful new course and for that I will be eternally grateful. As I’ve said you before there’s a special place in heaven for you my friend and it’s well deserved ❤️.

    1. Trish,

      Okay, now you owe me a favor….. Can you let the Big Guy know that when I get to the pearly gates, I have an all-access pass? I would really appreciate that. Otherwise, I may….well you know.

      Love you my dear! Always.


      1. Consider it done Kandi, I’ll even get my Catholic wife to light a candle for you next time she goes to church 😊. You are a very special lady and I’m so glad to call you a friend and totally look forward to the day we drink that bottle of wine.

        Love you girl,

  11. Kandi, when I saw this post yesterday, I thought I didn’t need to reread it because the content is imprinted in my brain and it was just a case of going back to the comment I left in October 2021 and updating it to reflect the amazing impact that it has had on my life.

    However, I just noticed your final paragraph – the one in big blue letters where you promise that this is the last time you will rerun it. You only have to read the comments to realise how it touches people and it’s too important to hide away. If ever there was an example of the gift that keeps on giving, this is it and it needs to be aired at least once a year because it’s literally a life saver!

    1. It will always be found in the “Kandi’s Favorite” section of the blog. Shameless plug: that is where all of the important posts can be found, including Rules of The Road and various lessons learned. This section is the heartbeat of this blog, an actual library for those dealing with all of this to reference.

  12. Hi Kandi,
    Can you elaborate what you meant regarding your having to overcome “I am Catholic”. I am a Catholic crossdresser as well and very interested in your thoughts about being both Catholic and a crossdresser. And please say “hi” to my girlfriend Trish for me! Thank you.
    Marian ❤️

    1. That specific reference was to a comment Trish made about her Catholic wife lighting a candle for me. I was simply pointing out that I too was Catholic and had to overcome all that comes with 16 years of Catholic education and all the “Catholic” guilt built into my mindset. Let’s just say attending Catholic schools in the 60’s and 70’s, acceptance wasn’t a big part of the curriculum. I am sure that was a contributing factor to the self-loathing I dealt with all those years.

      I believe you just said “hi” to Trish yourself! ❤️

  13. Kandi,
    I appreciate you not only hold the title to Kandi’s Land but also act as the moderator so it was refreshing to read open comments about religion and how it affected you and others , sweeping certain subjects under the carpet helps no one . As members or former members of another online forum I believe we both witnessed first hand how people’s lives can be affected in a devastating way in the name of religion until all comments were blocked . I guess we must consider ourselves extremely lucky that we have the freedom to be US when in some parts of the world they could face prison or much worse .

  14. Hi Kandi,
    Thank you for your reply, and it looks like we had a similar experience regarding our faith. Guilt and shame are rampant feelings that occur for too long a time. But with maturity, we realize that crossdressing is a part of our being and how He made us. That leads to acceptance and with acceptance, peace of mind.
    Thanks again.
    Marian ❤️

    1. Thanks Marian! I have written often over the years, you cannot say God is infallible and then say He made a mistake with me. A church is not a House of God if we are not welcome. You just keep being you! 😊

  15. My wife and I are catholic. She has a very strong faith. Her faith was probably the main reason that she didn’t leave me after I told her about my femme side after 10 years of marriage. I talked to the pastor and he gave both my wife and I some peace. We are married 52 years now.

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