Easily my favorite essay that I have written, so I thought it was worth another view and to move it over from the old blog.
Without the blessing of my wife, none of this happens. I am asked about our relationship often. I am told how lucky I am. I have always loved my wife, have always placed her well being number one in my life. I would do anything for my wife, I simply wish for her comfort and happiness. That is the motivating factor in how I move forward every day.
This feeling of responsibility (which includes our children, of course) has driven many decisions I have made at various stages of my life. Wanting to provide, needing to make these three wonderful people feel secure. We are by no means financially well off, but we are solidly middle class, maybe skewing toward upper middle class, at least for now. But we are not motivated by things like driving the newest car or taking the fanciest trips. We travel to see our children, that’s pretty much it. Until recently, I drove a 13 year old car, my wife’s is eleven years old. But it was important to me to put the kids through college and set them up to be independent. On that note, my life is a 100% success. Two professional children, with skill sets that will allow them to earn a living for their entire lives, zero college debt.
Many of the decisions I made along the way were successful, some blew up in my face, creating many years of difficulties which continue to this day, decades later. I also know the reality of the rest of my life, I will have to work until I die (paying for ten years of college will do that to you). Maybe not very hard, but there will be a need to generate income and to have health care. We do not have pensions, do not have that security our parent’s generation had. I have no confidence our horribly mismanaged government will be there for me or my wife.
We have been married for nearly 36 years now and have come out the other side together, surviving many issues that would have wiped out many couples. The failure of my business in 2004 and the subsequent collateral damage would have almost certainly destroyed a significant majority of marriages. We nearly lost each of our children to illness or accident along the way. Thankfully, both survived in a relatively short amount of time. Lengthy issues like this can put major stress on any relationship. And oh yeah, I am a crossdresser or whatever it is that I am.
I believe that I had accumulated a significant amount of equity into our marriage to get the benefit of the doubt once I finally told her. And then I imposed my own rules to make sure I kept her blessing to allow Kandi to thrive. Yes, she sees me dressed, but I do not dress for the express purpose of staying home. She sees me coming and going, often taking pictures for me. We talk when I get home before getting cleaned up. We sometime share things as we wear the same shoe size as well as wearing the same size skirt. I am allowed to access her purse collection, which allows me to be fashionable without the significant additional cost of owning my own purses. When I vet outfits, I do it while she is at work. I try not to leave Kandi’s things lying around.
We do not interact as girlfriends. I don’t believe she has an interest in that and I certainly do not as my number one role in my life is to be her (male) husband. I also simply would not enjoy going out together as I would be worried about how she felt, how she deemed she is being perceived and would always be wondering if she were enjoying herself. Plus I would not be able to act as Kandi, I would be comporting myself like her husband and in that case, I literally would just be a guy in a dress.
Did I hide this from her for almost 30 years? Absolutely, but the truth of the matter I hid it from myself for almost 50 years. Until she gave that approval, there was no Kandi, just someone who only recently had accepted who he/she was. I had never even been dressed from head-to-toe, makeup, wig, etc. at that point in time. I mentioned above that I have always loved my wife, I am now in love with my wife, still am over the eight plus years since I told her. There is a difference and I never, ever take it for granted. While I have been allowed to accumulate quite a wardrobe, I believe she sees what I generally do with my Kandi time, giving to others.
So am I lucky? To be married to this woman, of course, but I tend to think I am not otherwise (lucky would be a much less complicated life). Am I blessed? Absolutely! Am I thankful? Certainly!
I thank to good Lord each and every day for this woman! I would drop dead in an instant if it meant her safety and happiness. Nothing means more to me that her happiness. Her complete and nonchalant acceptance of Kandi is many things, initially shocking, life affirming, a blessing, my reason for being, okay I’ll stop, you get the point.
Recently, a friend posed the following question:
Since being Kandi appears to be occupying more of your time: How is this all impacting your relations with your wife?
Yes, I certainly do spend a lot of time as Kandi. That is a function of many things. One, I have a fortunate work schedule that allows plenty of free time. Two, my wife could not care less about what I do in that time. I am sure her trust in me is borne from many things. Understand, I take care of all my household responsibilities. I handle everything outside, from maintaining our lawn and landscaping to clearing the driveway on snowy days. I do all of the grocery shopping and prepare all of our meals. Even on days when I am out, I have left her dinner in the refrigerator (she could eat a salad every day of her life). She knows I like going out (and that is not always as Kandi) and I know she is a homebody, happy to be home watching Hallmark.
Additionally, much of my time out as Kandi is done in a volunteer capacity or as part of my building whatever career I am building. I hope it will be a means to an end. Will I ever get paid as a model or an actress, who knows? I am working on taking Kandi’s Land Live!, a weekend seminar on my Rules of the Road, to a town near you! This could generate additional revenues for us that may make her retirement possible soon. You must understand my personal life lives under a cloud 24/7/365/until I die. I won’t retread my story, it is still up on the old blog if you are interested.
We simply wish each other happiness and she can clearly see that I am very, very, happy. I understand in this community of DADT, spouses dead set against this, many find it hard to believe what I am saying, but the proof is in the pudding. 36+ years…..my clearly being out and about……our love for each other. Lucky? Maybe? But I like to think we are two people that took a vow which actually meant something. Kandi gets to stretch her legs frequently and has seen and done things that would make your head spin, but she does not rule my life. She enhances it!
Kandi, this is a truly touching post and to repeat a point I made to someone else on a comment to my post from yesterday, Mrs Kandi sounds like an amazing woman.
It’s sometimes hard to put our wives at the heart of our lives when we’re struggling with our inner woman, particularly as we’re often trying to bring her to life as a manifestation of our ‘ideal’ woman. And yet by not putting our wives as our absolute focus, we threaten to kill the very thing we need more than anything – understanding. Once there’s understanding, tolerance probably isn’t too far behind, followed if we’re lucky by acceptance. And getting that understanding is our sole responsibility, wives didn’t ask for any of this so we can’t demand, or even expect, blind acceptance without a lot of effort on our part.
Once again, you have really made me think! It’s not an easy path to navigate but it’s also not an impossible one.
I think for my wife it boils down to one thing: she wishes my (and everyone else’s) happiness. The other stuff, once you accepts that premise, is just window dressing. Thanks my dear!!
You really have done it the right way when it comes to your spouse for sure
Talking about taking Kandi on the road, I’m not sure if you recall the person who use to do a show as if she were a Tupperware lady but of course it was a guy.
She did it as a mix of comedy and life. Sorry don’t recall her name I’m sure you could look her up and maybe help with ideas
I will have to get on the Google machine and do some research! Thanks Rach!!
That is probably one of the most heartfelt tributes I have ever read! It reads like the story of my life. I will be married fifty years in June and have one of the most loyal and understanding wives a person could ever have. She has remained loyal to me in all the many “ups and downs” of our life. I guess that is why I understand and appreciate your wonderful testimonial so much! Thank you!
P, you are so sweet and having had the opportunity to get to know you beyond the virtual world, that takes it up a notch!