I do not “feel” any differently when I am dressed than when not. My emotions are heightened, I am happy, excited, looking forward to what lies ahead of me. But in my head, nothing changes. My view of the world, my thought process, the same. Now how I view the world, how I think did change on that October afternoon back in 2014. It did change considerably when I told my wife on December 2, 2014. But since, my attire at any specific time doesn’t change me internally, I don’t feel any more or less feminine at any point in time. I wish I could do a better job of articulating my mindset, much of my feelings are buried in this conglomeration of me.
My happiness as Kandi is derived from how I look and in turn, am perceived by the world. Looking pretty, looking nice, looking feminine makes me happy for some inexplicable reason. My presentation is so important to me. The manner I present myself has evolved to the situation, event or circumstance. I love wearing leggings, a headband and a cute top at spin class. I feel like a queen in my finest dress, on Playhouse Square or at the art museum, being smiled at, hugged, accepted by others. A skirt and blazer at Sunday services, I couldn’t be happier. Skinny jeans, a cute sweater at the doctor’s office seem very natural. I cannot remember the last time I went out in public and did not receive a compliment.
There is nothing sensual for me about a specific item of clothing, they are all part of the package. Bare shoulders, a silky camisole, the right bra, none bring me any specific feeling other than they are just the right part of my presentation for that day. For example, I wear a slip because the dress or skirt calls for it, not because I like the feeling (although I do love the feeling). The total package is the key for me. While I try to incorporate articles of female clothing into my daily life, that’s just part of who I have become.
The feelings I have when dressed are of happiness, joy, surprise, acceptance, love, being special, different, unique, well you get the point. Dressing for me is now the means and not the end. It’s not about getting dressed anymore, it’s about what I do and what happens when I am dressed. Time hasn’t allowed this of late, but in the past, I had had plenty of time to get dressed at home and have generally passed on doing so, with the exception of preparing outfits for future outings. Even then, it’s kind of strictly business. Come up with an idea, see how it looks, hang it all up together and go on with whatever else I need to do.
I continue to be amazed at all of this, now nine full years into it all. How did this happen? How could it completely flip from a hateful urge to a joyful experience? My life has and remains full of the same challenges we all face, but this, Kandi, for some reason as been wrapped in a big pink bow for me.
But always remember and never forget, be smart, appropriate, confident and visible!