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Crossdressing 101: Part 4 – Do I Pass?

Okay girls...time to get class started!

By Amanda J.

Last time, I tantalised you (or filled you with dread depending on your view of my ramblings) with the prospect of two posts about being seen as ‘her’ in the outside world and true to my promise (or threat!), this is the first in which I want to deal with what is probably the single biggest fear that ‘newbies’ have when they think about stepping into the outside world – the fear that someone will realise that under all of their feminine finery, they’re a guy or, to use common parlance, they won’t ‘pass’.

I’m going to be a unashamedly self-obsessed for a few moments.  Though I say it myself, I look pretty good in a dress & heels with my makeup done nicely; in fact, I’d go as far as to say that female me is just the sort of person that male me would like to have dated.  And I’m not alone with those thoughts as several guys, including one young enough to be my grandson, have enquired about my dating status!  I’ve been on the receiving end of all manner of compliments from other girls and told, amongst other things, that I was born to be a woman and transition is inevitable.  So I have no need to ask the ‘do I pass?’ question because I already know the answer!

And that answer is an emphatic ‘NO!’.  There are no circumstances whatsoever where I could ever be taken to be a genetic female.  My ‘provenance’ is never in doubt and whilst I admit that I have photographs of myself, including the one accompanying my profile on the Contributors page here, which could be seen as photos of a genetic female by some (and I will stress that it’s only by some, not everyone), I have many more that leave no doubt as to my biological sex.   And every single person who has ever given me positive feedback has firstly done it on the strength of a two dimensional photograph, carefully chosen by myself to show me in the best possible light and secondly is biased, either because they’re also a CDer and understand the lengths we all have to go through to transform ourselves or because they are an ‘admirer’ who is particularly attracted to the idea of guys becoming women.  So whilst a two dimensional photograph taken from just the right angle with just the right lighting may convince some, three dimensional me has no such place to hide!

But I’m getting ahead of myself here.  What exactly does ‘passing’ mean?

Within the MTF CD/TG community, its meaning is a bit fluid but is generally taken to mean that a person is indistinguishable from a genetic female.  But there is a sting in the tale because there is an unspoken parameter of attractiveness applied to that assessment.  Perhaps there’s an air of inevitability about that given that the assessment is normally undertaken either by other CDers who tend to be heterosexual males or ‘admirers’ who again tend to be heterosexual males (and attracted to the display of femininity rather than they underlying guy presenting it).  And whether we like it or not, the fact is that more often than not, an attractive photo will attract gushing reassurance that passing isn’t a problem whereas an unattractive one will be on the receiving end of suggestions that hormones & surgery will work wonders (if the questioner indicates that they are contemplating transition) – which is just a long winded way of saying ‘no’ – or silence leaving the questioner to draw their own negative conclusions.

Clearly, for those contemplating transition, having a fighting chance of being able to be recognised as their acquired gender has some importance but even the CDing community, who value and wish to preserve their male status, often obsess about their passability as a female and do whatever they can to avoid being seen as a ‘bloke in a dress’.  And when we’re starting out, that obsession can paralyse us with fear if we don’t feel we measure up to the community ‘stars’ who share photos of their idyllic life on social media.  But this is the 21st century and the reality is that even if someone does guess our little secret, it almost always doesn’t matter.  And while we’re at it, let’s remember that only the lucky few genetic women are naturally beautiful.  The rest come in all shapes & sizes, dress in a wide range of different styles and some have facial features that some would describe as masculine.  If they can all live a full life and still be recognised as female, we really have nothing to worry about at all.

Of course, if you’ve been slavishly following this series, you could justifiably accuse me of contradicting myself.  At the outset, I declared that I was going to focus on that sector of the CDing community which concentrates on the transformation of themselves into the most convincing female possible but now I’m saying that it doesn’t matter if the results fall short in some way.   Whilst I will concede that there’s some merit in that accusation, we need to remember that we are our own harshest judges.  When we judge our own transformations, we have a reference point – our male identity – and will scrutinise the results of our labours using that as a basis.  Others who see us do not have this reference point; theirs is what they see – someone in female apparel – and are far less likely to notice our male features than we are for the pure and simple reason that, unlike ourselves, they have no reason to look for them.

Now, at this point I need to diffuse a potential point of contention.  In recent times, the whole question of ‘passing’ has been debated in the comments sections of other posts here.  It is a fact of life that some males will be born with a facial structure, body size & shape and, voice characteristics that give them a head start in the transformation stakes.  Some people they encounter will not realise their secret, others may wonder and others may realise but say nothing. That premise will be important as this post unfolds but even the most accomplished CDer will admit that there will always be someone who realises.  In the end, society always notices things that are out of the ordinary and the fact is that there are many traits that give the game away no matter how proficient with the makeup brush we may be.   And if we’re applying a rigid definition to ‘passing’ then it only takes one exception to disprove anyone’s assertion that they pass.  And the sad reality is that, as newbies, we just don’t yet have the expertise to get anywhere close.

But let’s for a moment move the goalposts.  Rather than striving for something that is ultimately beyond our reach, let’s instead settle for something that we know we can deliver.  Every single one of us can pass 100% of the time as a trans person.  To me, and I’m sure to many others who’ve been able to undergo that paradigm shift, it was the key to being able to spread my feminine wings.

To be clear, I’m not suggesting that we don’t stop striving for excellence but merely to capitalise on the changing attitudes of society.

Imagine that I was not a contributor here so you’d never seen me before but one day, while out and about, you walked past me in the street.  Straight away, you’d probably realise, or as a minimum strongly suspect, that I was biologically male but you would have no idea whether I was a post-operative transwoman, preoperative transwoman, non-operative full-timer or an occasional CDer.  And, in the overall scheme of things, you would be no better off knowing that information.  And my concern is not whether you’ve worked out exactly where on the CD/TG spectrum I may sit but whether you accept me on the basis that I’m seeking to be accepted.  And taking nothing for granted, when I was at home preparing for our chance encounter, you can be certain that I was doing everything in my power to ensure that I was worthy of your acceptance and the acceptance of everyone else I walked past on that day.

But as I checked my makeup and outfit in the mirror before I left the house, I was not worrying whether or not I looked indistinguishable from a genetic female; I’ve already declared that, as far as I am concerned, that’s a lost cause.  But what I was doing was validating myself – was my outfit in keeping with what one would expect to see other women wearing in the locality I was visiting, was my makeup sufficient to cover the worst excesses of maleness but not excessive to the degree that I’d stand out for the wrong reasons and, if I had an out of body experience and walked past myself in the street, would I stop and stare or just carry on walking, oblivious to the person I’d just passed?

The sad fact about all of this is that society has determined that women only dress in the way many of us like to – dresses, heels and striking makeup – for special occasions; special occasions that if we’re invited to, we’re expected to ‘man up’ for!  We dream of being out in our heels looking a million dollars (or in my case a million pounds!) but the reality is that, on a day to day basis, most other women just don’t do that and, by doing so, we’d stand out rather than blend in.

And that’s an important point to make.  I was recently at an event (unrelated to CDing and I was in drab), where I counted over 10 CD/TG visitors.  Most were easy to spot but one was particularly memorable because her trans status wasn’t immediately obvious and it was ultimately only her voice that confirmed my suspicions.  And the fact that she was memorable is a paradox in itself because she wore little makeup and nondescript clothes; in other words, she looked like every other non-trans female visitor and I will guarantee that the vast majority of people who walked past her that day did not give her a second glance.

But did she ‘pass’?  In a literal sense, clearly not as I realised her trans status and given that I’ve already declared that her voice gave her away, probably so did everyone else who she interacted with at that event.  But her long blonde hair, very light makeup and outfit choice were sufficient to give out the message ‘nothing to see here’ and most people there seemed to receive that message loud & clear, amply proven by the fact that no one else seemed to be noticing her.

As I’ve already said, women come in all shapes and sizes and as long as we ‘read the room’ and follow suit we’re generally going to be fine.  And if someone guesses our secret, so what?  We can live our lives with a sense of shame that we are breaking society’s taboos or with a sense of pride that we’re doing everything we can to prove to others that whilst we may not be female in the truest sense, we understand and respect the expectations of those who are and try to do everything in our power to uphold them.

And the strange thing is that when we do get it right, we’re not going to be given a medal, silver trophy or see our name in lights.  Quite the opposite in fact because the vast majority of people we encounter will not even notice us.  And those that do will treat us with exactly the same respect that they’d give to anyone else.

But to conclude, consider this.  Imagine that you’re out and a sales assistant gives you the biggest smile, a knowing smile that you realise is far more than she’s given every other customer she served before you.   Or someone you’ve never met before comes over to you and says ‘you know?  You look really good!’ and you realise that only politeness has prevented her from adding ‘for a guy’ on the end of her compliment.  Or a stranger walking past you in the street makes eye contact and smiles for no apparent reason.  You realise that in each one of those cases, the reaction you’ve received is solely because, far from being indistinguishable from a genetic female, your male status is blindingly obvious.  In other words, you’ve failed.

Except you haven’t.  In fact you’ve passed with flying colours because each one of those small gestures is a genuine sign of approval & acceptance and that is worth far more than any number of empty compliments on the back of a carefully chosen and app enhanced photograph. 

As always, here are five takeaways from this post.

1..  Much though we wish otherwise, we can never fully ‘pass’ as there will always be something that gives the game away to someone we encounter.  If we must think in terms of ‘passing’ then every single one of us can pass 100% of the time as a trans person.

2.  We are our own harshest critics and almost everyone you may encounter will view you far more favourably than you view yourself. 

3.  Even if someone realises that you may not be what you seem, they have no way of knowing where you sit on the trans spectrum and rather than trying to work it out, they’ll invariably just accept you for who you are.

4.  By concentrating on blending in to your surroundings – choosing outfits, makeup etc. that are in keeping with how other women present – most people will not notice you even though you may feel that without the dress, heels, hairdo and makeup you are somehow less feminine.

5.  Take every single time that you think someone has ‘rumbled’ you as a positive, particularly if they’re obviously going out of their way to be nice to you as a result.  Those are the real signs that you’ve ‘passed’ and should be savoured, not dreaded.

And with the preparations in place, next time we really will leave the confines of the closet and get out and about.


23 Responses

  1. Do I pass..?

    On two separate occasions I have been paid what I believe to be the best of all confirming compliments.

    1:  Pamela was at the optometrist to pick up her new glasses wearing a bright red skirt, white knitted top and sandals. While ‘Ernie’ was adjusting the frames a middle aged lady came into the shop.
    Frames adjusted and the transaction completed Pamela walked back to her car only to realise that she had left her sunglasses on the counter.
    By the time I returned the other lady had picked up her contacts and left. Ernie told me the other customer had commented on the previous customer and said how nice it was to see a ‘lady’ nicely dressed for once…

    2: Yesterday I went to my local outlet centre for some retail therapy and to wish my favorite SA happy birthday. I chatted to her for a few moments before the shop became rather busy. While she was serving a customer I left to go to another shop to look at dresses. I came back about 20 mins later.
    While she was serving the customer she had looked around to see where I had gone. Apparently the customer had noticed us chatting and informed my favorite SA that he thought I was the mother of one of his school friends and was going to say hello. Fortunately she told him that I didn’t have any children.

    I think I pass well enough to pass all but the closest inspection and it’s a wonderful feeling.


    1. Pamela, thank you for sharing your experiences which should give encouragement to anyone fretting about being seen by others for the first time. Without any frame of reference (i.e. knowledge of our male identities) most people have no reason to suspect that we’re anything different to what we appear to be and even if our ‘provenance’ is realised, the vast majority of people don’t care,

  2. Amanda,

    Thank you for another epic writing about our CD/TG life. During the past 70 odd years I have thought about all the things you discuss here. And it took the longest time for me to finally realize, as you rightly state:

    “And if someone guesses our secret, so what? “

    Most of us do our best to look feminine and to blend in. And we have no idea “exactly” what other people really think who see us.

    Presenting our female side to the world, or even just to ourself, is done for personal satisfaction. We do it because it makes us feel good, happy, normal or special.

    I really like ME. I really like me while I am presenting myself as a woman. Everyone I meet or who just happens to notice me can think whatever they want; passing isn’t my concern.

    I enjoy knowing your thoughts, as I am sure all of the inhabitants of Kandi’s Land do as well.


    1. Jocelyn, thank you as always for your friendship and support.

      I often think that the ‘duck test’ – “If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck” – is very relevant to our situation. In other words if she looks like a woman, walks like a woman and generally behaves like a woman, then she probably is a woman! As I put in the main piece, without having the benefit of knowledge of our male identities, or even that we are male, most people won’t give us a second glance because they have no reason to. More often than not, it is our voice that will give us away but, hopefully, passing the amended duck test will still leave them wondering!

      There is a serious side to this though and you’re bang on with your attitude. We can be paralysed with fear in case someone realises our secret or we can say ‘so what?’ and it’s ultimately the latter that brings us happiness.

  3. Amanda seems to be unable to concede that Pamela passed.The way I look a it some of us are like baseball players-we get hits some of the time and that is what makes the whole experience so enjoyable . It is a rare bird that could pass all of the time but many of us do have an acceptable batting average.
    And Pamela draws her conclusion from actual interaction with others. If they called Pamela a lady or Mom there is no denying that she passed in those instances

    1. Emily, I was very careful to set out the definition of ‘passing’ in the main post and regarding your first point, Pamela herself conceded that she does not pass in ‘the closest inspection’ so there was no need for me to concede anything. Your point that ‘we get hits some of the time’ reinforces that.

      But this post was not intended to be a debate on what ‘passing’ actually means, whether it is acceptable to apply a conditional definition (for example by saying that I passed on this occasion therefore I pass or by saying that I pass as long as no one comes within six feet of me) or whether it is even possible for a mature male with no surgical or hormonal intervention to be indistinguishable from a genetic female in all situations although I am happy to write a post on that at some time in the future. This series of posts is very much aimed at the person I was until very recently – i.e. someone struggling to come to terms with their CDing desires but suffering in silence because they have nowhere to turn. And I know from both my own personal experience and from reading posts on forums that a fear of not passing is up there with fear of discovery as the main anxiety of the CDing community.

      When we’re giving help and advice to ‘newbies’ who ask the question whether they pass which, because of the nature of our community happens largely online with a photo provided on which to base the assessment, we have two choices. Choice 1 is that we can tell them that they pass. That works well until the first time someone stares at them, or calls them ‘sir’ or they approach a sales assistant and realise that their voice is going to give them away. Choice 2 is that we tell them that it doesn’t matter because what they’re really seeking is acceptance.

      To me, there is something beautiful about being able to uncover the inner woman and I have a sense of pride that I can be recognised & accepted for what I am. Now that I have shed the fears of not passing by accepting that I don’t, my outings are a source of joy and that’s what I want to convey to anyone worried about their own passability.

  4. “Passing” is such a loaded term in my mind, Amanda. Like you say, we never really pass as a woman, but we are recognized as a transgender person. That may color any interaction we have with the people in the street or the mall – sometimes good, as in Pamela’s experiences. That level of affirmation is always welcome, being referred to as “that lady” or “she” or more directly as “Miss” or “Ma’am”.

    But there will be those people who see our male traits under the makeup, hair, and clothes, and react differently. We may still pass as a transgender woman, but the interaction is less accepting. It doesn’t mean that we should not be visible, confident, and appropriate (as Kandi would say), just aware of the possibility.

    I finally got over my fears of going out and enjoy myself when I get that rare chance to step out. I am my own worst critic, but it’s more important to me that I look as feminine as I can manage. Generally, I go shopping or to a restaurant, and I’ve never had any problems, as I live in a supportive area in the US.

    Thanks for a well-written post!

    1. Tina, thank you for taking the time to comment and I agree wholeheartedly. My experience in the outside world is still minimal but I work on the basis that being called ‘sir’ is a statement of fact and ‘ma’am’ is a compliment! Neither has happened yet! As I said in both the main post and in the reply immediately above, accepting reality was the key to having the confidence to be out and about and, crucially, interact with SAs & baristas where my trans status would be obvious.

      And even though I only started properly going out this year and only had my first proper interaction less than three weeks ago, I’m really keen to keep expanding my horizons. Whereas only a few months ago, fear of not passing was a significant barrier, the only thing that holds me back now is respecting the implied boundaries of the DADT arrangement I have with Mrs A.

  5. Before we go, would you like to send a message to your fellow girls out there or a closing statement.

    Girls believe me when I say you are prettier and more feminine than you think. The harshest judge you’ll ever meet is yourself. When your out just remember this, keep your head up, your shoulders back and where ever you go act like you own it. But the most important thing to remember is smile…….a lot. And lastly if you get clocked it’s not the end of the world just smile and be polite and remember that while you’re out and about you are our representative so make a good impression on ever one you meet. I honestly don’t think there’s a girl out there who hasn’t been clocked at one time or another.

    The Glamour Boutique Team xxx

    Amanda, another excellent and well written post as well as being pretty much spot on. I replied to Joselyn’s email this morning about how I finished in the Glamour Girl contest and told her the one that really mattered was being picked to be their Eye Candy Girl which means more to me than the contest. After reading your post and just had to add to my response my answer to one of the questions I had to reply to when I sent in pics and applied to be an Eye Candy Girl, It seemed to go well with what you had written.

    1. Trish, thank you for sharing this. I always used to think that there was a dividing line between those girls that ‘pass’ and the rest of us who don’t but, in fact, the dividing line is between those who don’t care and those who do. I don’t know what the people who served me when I went shopping a couple of weeks ago thought or said to their family got home. I like to think that it was something along the lines of ‘I served a trans person today and she looked just like any other shopper’ because that in itself is a step towards wide acceptance. If it was something like ‘I served a man wearing women’s clothes today’ then I clearly didn’t make enough effort!

      In the end being ‘clocked’ or ‘read’ implies recognition and that is certainly not something to be ashamed of.

  6. I think we all want to pass when we are out enfem and as our friend Kandi says when we are out an addressed with proper pronouns it’s a great feeling to hear it.
    I know I do not pass I do think I blend well but pass no,
    Oh how I wish I did but I’m ok with just being out and about being me and the best me I can be
    Thanks Amanda

    1. Hi Rachael,
      At the end of the day your response is bang on and you just carry on the way your going. The important thing in todays world is that most people are very accepting of us ‘trans’ girls which makes our lives so much nicer.

      Trish 💖

    2. Rachael, thank you and I completely agree with Trish.

      Your point about being ‘the best me I can be’ says it all and no one can ask for anything more.

  7. Amanda,
    Sometimes I feel it comes down to the basic question , do you want to have the freedom to float between male and female or do you seriously wish to be accepted as a woman ? The person who is happy to float usually accept they have done a perfect job on their presention but can live with the truth if outed . To be accepted as a woman is a different mind set , you have to truly find yourself to understand what sort of woman you can be to blend in . You do make these points very clearly which is encouraging to read , in fact you article is very well thought out .
    I totally agree with your comments on passing a CDer/trans person in the street , being OTT is an obvious giveaway but the ones or have learnt how to blend pose a far more difficult question . In blunt terms people don’t know what is actually between your legs so if they witness enough traits they will make a very quick decision and once they’ve decided minor male traits will be ignored .
    Sorry to repeat myself but the biggest problem is setting aside the male side , if you expect to be seen as MIAD ( man in a dress ) then it’s more likely to happen , if it doesn’t bother you that’s fine but many like myself reach the point where it’s extremely painful . To make the decision to go full time is difficult but once it’s made I knew I had to sustain it and that is the hardest part by far , going back cannot be an option .

    Looking back the times I asked , ” Do I pass ?” was in company of other CDers/ trans people , the question at that time was possibly irrelevant because I was 100% in their company . Even going out as a group in public the most obvious CDer will give the game away for everyone but many won’t care because there’s always safety in numbers . I’m not knocking social groups , they serve a very useful purpose on many levels , I enjoyed that time .

    1. Teresa, thank you – you completely ‘got’ what I was trying to say. There are three key words in this issue – ‘pass’, ‘blend’ and ‘accept’. The mistake many make is to obsess about the first which is almost certainly going to be a fruitless endeavour because it only takes one detractor to burst the proverbial bubble. It’s also a very one dimensional concept – I’ve seen facially attractive CDers (which is often the criterion for assessment of passability) who give the game away by the way they walk and others who are, at best, facially ambiguous but are the complete package. ‘Blending’ is a far more holistic view because its start point is often the acceptance that facially there are issues so more focus is put onto outfit choice (and its appropriateness for the environment), deportment and so on. But really, what we all ultimately want is acceptance because then the question of passing or blending doesn’t arise and whilst the fact that every cell in our body has XY chromosomes may be blindingly obvious, it’s overlooked (and eventually forgotten about) because we’re deemed worthy of acceptance as female.

      It’s a particularly pertinent issue if we want to come out to someone we know, perhaps with a view to socialising as a female with them. In the purest sense, we can never pass because they will always know who we are, we can blend to the point where it’s no longer an issue but all that matters in the end is that they accept us on the basis we are seeking – to be treated as they would treat any other woman without feeling that we’re just engaged in a game of dress up.

      1. Amanda,
        Your last paragraph raises a very interesting point , my family knew I was attending social meetings but at that time had no idea what I looked like . The really big hurdle is close family meeting you and then the possibility of actually going out socially in public , that’s when appearance and choice of outfits is so important . From the start I had the full support of my daughter , we have been out together on numerous occasions some also with her daughter and at times her mother in law ( who has been a gem in her support ) . My sister in law was early on the list of going out socially ( which was a total surprise to me ) , we often met for coffee in our local M & S outlet and she even offered to help me chose my loung furniture . Perhaps the biggest surprise was my 95 year old mother who accepted me without question , we usually go to garden centres and have a meal . Finally my son has driven me in his car to view my rental property . The important point about these stories is none of them would support me if they didn’t feel comfortable , it’s so nice to say they trust me not to embarrass them . It goes without saying that I can’t pose them the question , ” Do I pass ?” their attitude and acceptance gives me all I need to know .

        Just as a P.S. , I was in a garden centre with my mother , she wanted to look in a Cotton Traders outlet . As we walked round the SA approached and said , ” can I help you ladies ?” I glanced across at mum and she had the biggest grin on her face , she then took a skirt from the racks and held it up against me saying , ” this would look really nice on you “.

  8. Amanda,

    Your common sense approach to this subject should be required reading for anyone thinking of taking their first steps outside en femme.


  9. Another great article Amanda and whilst I don’t agree with all of it (would have ever expected anything different lol) you have made your points really effectively.

    My issue is with the word passing.. as you point out, if I am out and i walk past 100 people unnoticed and then speak to one person who then realises I am a male behind those boobs and makeup etc, did i pass that day?

    My view the word blended in is a far more accurate reflection, it basically implies that one has in effect disappeared into the background, people have seen me but not actually looked at me, because subconsciously they saw a middle aged woman.
    How much scrutiny one can ‘survive’ depends on so many factors, including our natural gifts, height shape etc, how good our makeup is, the lighting, how we move, our voices etc. When I am out my objective is always to blend in and care not how much scrutiny i can survive.

  10. Becky, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

    I think it’s important that we don’t get too bogged down in either semantics or examples because that wasn’t the purpose of this post. The first time I went out earlier this year, I was quite surprised that no one was staring at me but does that mean I ‘passed’? Absolutely not because I didn’t go anywhere near any of them – I was just another shopper!

    When we’re dealing with people who are too scared to leave the house because they’re worried about not passing – which is who this post was aimed at – we have two options. One is to talk solely about blending but that only covers non-interactive situations and the other is to change the mindset to say that it doesn’t matter because what we’re actually seeking is acceptance. And providing we can seek that acceptance on the basis that we’re trans (and demonstrate our respect for women in the process) then we’re going to be fine.

  11. Amanda,
    Maybe the problem is some CDers/trans people don’t care about blending and respecting women , while they are a minority they can do so much damage to the whole community and not just newbies taking their first tentative steps in the RW . I have witnessed this on more than one occasion , personally I couldn’t live with the backlash when I’ve witnessed the response from members of the public . What I’ve achieved has been hard earned , I do care and respect the people ( not just women ) I’ve hoped and expected acceptance from . The one point about acceptance is what we’re actually recognised as , not a single person in society has asked me what I am , not everyone understands the transgender situation if they’ve never experienced it before . Ok this raises the question do I out myself by educating them ? When I first transtioned as Teresa I did just that but the problem was I was more desparate than I realised to rid myself of the male connection , since I moved to my new home nearly six years ago I’ve not had that conversation . I do share it with members of this site to show dreams can come true , we are all newbies at some point .

    1. Whether it’s a case of them not caring or, instead, ignorance is debatable. I think some definitely believe that self-identification is sufficient (there are plenty of that ilk on YouTube videos!) but there’s another group that are clueless and have never stopped to think what they need to do to be accepted into the female world. As I said in the post, I’m never going to be ambiguous as far as my biological sex is concerned but whenever I set foot outside the front door (and even if I’m having an Amanda day at home), I want to be as ambiguous as possible as regards how far along the trans spectrum I actually am and I can only do that by fitting in with society’s expectations of females and not, as some do, expecting society to fit in with them.

      1. Amanda,
        To give you one example of caring or not .
        I was in a large out of town store with my TS friend , obviously she does blend but she’s quite happy with me , in fact we’re just female companions clothes shopping . Walking towards us were two six feet plus CDers wearing leather outfits with hemlines way above the knees , the reaction from shoppers around them was like the effect of a power boat catching them in their wake . Their conversation as they passed was unrepeatable here , they knew exactly what they were doing and obviously didn’t care , my TS friend was more upset than me because of the disrespect they were showing women in particular . I mentioned this to another transgender friend , she told me one of them had appeared in her home town and tried to pick her up , again her language was unrepeatable here .

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