The following is an edited exchange I recently had with a new anonymous friend:
“I was “caught” more than once. The outcomes were never anything that should ever see the light of day. The Ex had me perfectly positioned with her threats. So I gave everything I owned to one of the local coven (our group was certainly magical!) and moved into the closet.
Given all that you publish I wonder how your wife allows you that much time away from hubbydom. Mine would have walked away. Your relationship must be more than special.”Anonymous Friend
Yes, our relationship is very special on many levels that you never see here. In the simplest terms, I told her and she only wished for my happiness, because it was pretty clear at the time, I was not a happy person.
So, as you can see in every single picture here, I am happy. It is better for any relationship for the participants to be happy. Now she lives with a happy human being (almost all the time) and I also am a much better husband.
I then took that gift she gave me and returned it ten fold. I volunteer, doing good for others. I have found ways to generate income for the household through Kandi. I also became a borderline elite level athlete for my advanced age, having run the Boston Marathon last year.
While I do go out with friends, the significant majority of my time out is in volunteer situations.
Yes, my situation is unique, but then again, I would like to think I am as well.
Love the conversation, Anonymous! Your situation, sadly, is not uncommon. But as I have told many who have said I was “lucky”, including a great friend, I pointed out that yes, in this circumstance I am blessed. But my friend, younger than me, is about to retire with a full government pension, never again worrying about income or health care. I, because of other circumstances, will retire on the day of my funeral, working until I die. So, I asked her, who really is the “lucky” one? Neither, we both earned what we have!
Here as always if you want to continue the conversation!
Have a great weekend,
I will be at Keystone again this year. If you are going, reach out. Find me! I want to give any Kandi’s Land reader a big hug and if you want, the first drink is on me!
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8 thoughts on “Lucky?”
A great conversational exchange.
Thank you for sharing.
Kandi, though you will be working until your funeral, you look great doing it.
And once again, all the volunteering you do makes this world a better place.
You are a doll Jocelyn!
Your friend’s message is so familiar , how do you resolve this situation ? I guess her starting point is deciding what the dressing really means to her , how much does it devastate her personal life ? She needs to be honest with herself , once she can achieve that counselling or therapy might be considered so she can validate her situation . That will put her in a better postion to talk things through with her wife , they really must try to find workable balance . To totally submit to a wife or partner’s wishes is a short term fix , dysphoria at any level never goes away , eventually it can mentally destroy some people .
Perhaps it’s a mistake to try and swap luck stories , we can’t live our lives as others do , as you point out it’s fundamentally right to achieve happiness , financial status can’t be expected to resolve transgender problems .
Perhaps it’s a contentious comment but for marriage to work it needs to be based on equality , give and take , if it ends up as all give and no take then it’s doomed , as I finally discovered . When a wife discovers the dressing , some may use it as a weapon . I’m now going to suggest I’m one of the lucky ones because I took the tough decision to risk all and walk away from this kind of marriage . In doing so it gave me the breathing space to realise the true person I had been married to for over 40 years . The outcome now is I have found happiness and those deep fears most of us have when we take this drastic action haven’t happened , I have lost very little but gained so much more . I will add my ex-wife is happier and the important thing is we are both free to find a new partner if we should wish to .
I guess the question is does luck just happen or do we need to make it happen ? The answer is both but when I consider my life I had to work at making luck happen .
Having lived for nearly nine years under the threat of the marriage ending if I broke my promise to quit and slipped back into CDing, it’s not an easy position to be in by any means. The frustrations mount and when they do finally boil over we’re plunged into the murky world of deception and the guilt that comes with that. My story had a happy ending following my accidental ‘outing’ and my wife telling me that she’d known what I was up to because, as she rightly said, ‘it never goes away’ and agreeing that I could do what I needed to as long as it didn’t involve her in any shape or form.
But that obviously begs the question as to what changed between May 2014, when the ultimatum was issued, and January 2023 when things were finally resolved.
Well, for starters, we were both nine years older and perhaps more tolerant of each other’s foibles. But I think that my wife also came to realise that this could be kept separate from the marriage and yet had a large impact on it insomuch as the way that it impacted my personality and state of mind. For my part, I just tried to be the best husband I could be and uphold the marriage vows I made as best I could.
Do I regret the way I handled this? Absolutely. I concocted all sorts of ‘reasons’ (i.e. excuses) as to why I couldn’t discuss this with my wife and allowed it to become a subject not to be discussed. And this drove a wedge between us as I withdrew, terrified that I’d give the game away at any moment. But the biggest tragedy was that I underestimated my wife, not just over the CDing issue but in terms of her commitment to the marriage as a whole.
Can I now say that my wife is tolerant or supportive? Well, because she has agreed to a DADT arrangement she is giving her blessing for me to do what I need to do but, equally, the fact that it is DADT indicates that having a CDing husband is not high on her wish list. There’s no sure fire formula for integrating this into a marriage because it’s 100% dependent on how the wife feels and the extent to which she can modify any inherently negative views of it. It’s a tough thing for the vast majority of wives to accept but if I’ve learned anything over the last nine years, it’s firstly not to try to rush things and secondly to never lose hope.
Thanks Amanda for sharing, as always!
Amanda, we are so much alike in so many ways. Fortunately for both of us, with Kandi’s help our and our families lives are so much better. It’s to bad you live so damn far away. I would so love to be able to get together we could spend hours talking. Have a great weekend girl.
I follow a few CD’s that have’s wives like yours, wives that we all would love to have. You are truly blessed. Having said that it may have taken my wife a long time to start coming around but, as you know, it has started and if it goes no further I consider my self blessed as well. If she ends up emulating your wife this girl will be ecstatic. Have a great weekend girl and never forget….you are something special.
You are as well my beautiful friend!!