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Opening Up

I have grown to trust and love my readers. So now I feel comfortable opening up a bit more about myself.

I have alluded to my legal issues frequently. I posted this on the old blog, but we have many new readers, so I will open myself up completely to new readers. This is old news for many of you. It completes the puzzle that is me.

I am frequently told how lucky I am to be able to get out as often as I do and the circumstances that allow me to do that.  And I certainly will not deny my good fortune with this part of my life.  But as I remind many, there are parts of my life that I would trade with anyone else.  I have alluded in the past to a business failure and the collateral damage this all caused.  I am now going to open up here and explain what I mean.  I will be intentionally vague about certain details to protect my privacy.

I spent my career (when I had one) in the finance business.  I have an MBA in Finance and had worked my way into an opportunity that I was excited about in the mid 90’s.  I was our sole breadwinner at the time with a wife and two young daughters at home.  Four of us started a business in the finance industry and I was a part-owner and the VP/Treasurer.  Cash is the life’s blood of such an organization and I managed every dime.  We struggled but were able to build a business that employed 40 people and were in our seventh year in business.  It was never easy, but allowed me the opportunity to provide for my family and to employ others to do the same.  I felt a tremendous responsibility to everyone associated with the company, as well as to my family (obviously).

In a move that I principally objected to, my asshole (sorry, the only description possible) partner made a business decision that involved a significant amount of capital (all borrowed).  That decision collapsed horribly and fairly quickly and I was left to deal with a giant cash drain.  With the ability to look backward, I should have simply run from the mess and now would do so. 

You need to understand, I have a fatal flaw.  I am horribly responsible, very often to my detriment.  All of these people, including my family, depended upon me.  All of the lenders expected to be repaid and there were many (to the tune of a high eight figures).  I took all of this as a personal obligation.  I dug in for the fight.  I did what was necessary to keep the lights on, thinking we could correct the situation and make things right.  I will not go into specifics, but it initially was not a well thought out decision. There was a day where I had about an hour to do something to keep things from collapsing and I did what I had to do to live another day.  Big mistake!  From that point forward, there was no way out.

Fast forward six months from hell.  Massive headaches, puking to start each and every day, truly feeling like I was driving to my execution each day I went to work.  On one fatal day, the entire house of cards fell over and we ultimately went into receivership.  I was now out of work and facing massive problems.  We all personally guaranteed the debt, mid eight figures.  Massive civil judgments.  No income. Fucked.

Four years elapsed with me knowing I had broken the law and I stupidly did so with no personal gain from it.  I benefitted not one single penny. My partners skating free when they were as culpable as I was.  A knock at the door and my life changed forever.  You never want the FBI knocking at your door, trust me. We negotiated a plea agreement that did at least do significant damage control.  A thirty three month sentence (twenty five and a half months actually served after good time) in a Federal prison.  Seven figure restitution owed.  Three years of supervised release. All my fault!  I blame no one but myself and live with it every day of my life. In my head, I think of myself as a felon, not as a husband, father, son or even a crossdresser (now more than that). To me (not the world) it overshadows everything good I have ever done. You may tell me that isn’t true, but it is the prism through which I have to view the world.

I joked recently that 2020, a year that many feel was the worst year of their lives, for me it wasn’t even in my Top 5 worst years. The hell of knowing I was under investigation. The agony of waiting for that knock at the door. The process of negotiating a plea agreement. My day in court. My sentencing. That first day in prison. The separation from family. The realization that I was now (and remain, principally) a non-citizen. There are many logistical things you take for granted in your life that I cannot even consider. Branded for life. They may as well have seared a giant F on my forehead.

I hope this does not change your opinion of me.  Many of my readers know about this directly from me.  I do not hide it. Frankly, I am proud I am surviving it (surviving, not survived, it is an on-going process and will be until I am no longer breathing). Every one that knows me in my regular life knows.  I have lost not one single friend over it and am proud of that.  I even made new friends because of it. And I met some of the most moral people I will ever meet, in prison. I took a bullet trying to protect the livelihoods of others and my family and will never be the same.

I have more to share about this, including fairly recent events and will do next Monday. This pall has hung over me for almost 20 years now. Not a single day passes without me thinking about it. But let me say this, you now understand the perspective on life that God gave me. Wearing a dress, really? Try those prison khakis. I made mistakes for which I will pay until they start throwing dirt on me. No one said life was fair. Just do yourselves a favor, if you make a mistake in your lives, just make sure it doesn’t involve the government’s money. That is all they care about, no question. Human lives are really not even on their agenda. I can make that statement from significant direct personal experience.

More soon…..

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14 Responses

    1. They are the best! This is old news to me, but it sort of fills in the blanks like why I have to work like a vagrant dock worker, etc…

      My own damn doing, no sympathy for me, nobody’s perfect. But the things I saw and the things I know……

  1. Kandi – does this change my opinion of you? Yes, but you’re even higher in my estimation than you already were. We all face tough calls in life – it wouldn’t be life if we didn’t – and the toughest of all are those where the outcome threatens those we love. Hindsight is a wonderful thing as the saying goes but all we can ultimately do is face up to our experiences and use them to become better people as you have done.

    I have always admired your honesty and what you wrote here is a testament to that. You clearly made a mistake with catastrophic consequences but there was not a shred of self-pity in any of your words, just a dose of reality in telling it how it was, and continues to be. It obviously overshadows your life but it hasn’t beaten you and we can all be thankful for that.

  2. Kandi,
    I hope you will always accept me as a friend ( even if is just virtual ) and I will always consider you a good person caught out by unfortunate circumstances .

    I made decisions that may not have ended in a court of law but I did risk everything at times and I accept not entirely in the interest of my family . Being young sometimes blinds us from the dangers , we throw caution to the wind , we work eight days a week . I accept I’m one of the lucky ones , the gambles paid off BUT there is always a price to pay , the old adage that hard work never killed anyone is a load of ******** ! My kidneys started to fail and my mental strength through stress of work and the realisation that my crossdressing went deeper than I thought .

    The wonderful part of your story is your wife stood by you when she knew you couldn’t support her and the girls and you’re still doing your upmost to support her now . She really is a gem as despite all your difficult past she allows Kandi to grow and flourish , we owe her a big thankyou for giving you the freedom and time to bring Kandi’s Land to us .

    1. Teresa, You are absolutely a friend! My wife is literally an angel, no question in my mind. That is why I feel such an obligation to give back to all of my sisters, I was given the ultimate gift so I should pay it forward as best I can. Thank you my friend!

  3. Thank you for having the courage to share this. I haven’t had to deal with consequences of such magnitude, but I know from personal experience and from the experiences of close associates the decisions made under great pressure and often in heat of the moment can have destructive and life-changing results.

    I applaud you for taking responsibility for your actions, bearing the burden of accepting responsibility, and emerging to rebuild your life. It speaks volumes to your character. Every human being makes mistakes. True integrity is revealed by how we respond to these situations.

    1. God bless you Kim, thank you. This is almost universally the result of my telling this story here, to others directly, to friends and family. I did not lose one single friend that I know of and I made quite a few new ones. Just wait for part two next week…….

  4. While you were kind enough to share this with me in the past I still am amazed and feel especially blessed to call you friend
    I know the mistakes I have in I’m passed defiantly pale in comparison to yours but we still have our failures
    Your blog has been such an encouragement to me over the years so while you have dealt and still deal with this you are making a difference in many lives my dear
    Love ya Rach

  5. Thanks for that little insight. We have all had our ups and downs. I have made mistakes that have caused me to dress daily in kakis not fun and it certainly was a learning experience I don’t want to duplicate. But I found my path to healthy productive living after some bumps in the road.

  6. Kandi,

    I have only known you for about a year but the fact that you are so honest and open about something serious like this doesn’t surprise me in the least, I have come to expect it from you. By being open and honest, you have demonstrated again that you are basically a good person and believe me, by acting this way, you are much better off emotionally than if you tried to bury it, lie about it or blame others.

    All of your loyal readers have found your openness about your life, crossdressing or otherwise, refreshing. Discussing something as distressing as this will not change our opinion of you but can only bring us closer together.

    Fiona
    xoxo

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