Garbage, with the iconic Shirley Manson singing lead, is another of my ’90’s favs! The title song here sucked me in and I never let go. “Stupid Girl” by Garbage is a 1995 alternative rock song about calling out inauthentic, self-destructive behavior and wasted potential, rather than merely insulting a specific person. Again, another song that speaks to me letting the cat out of the bag, as it were.
When I am in a dancing mood (which is rare and not without some lubrication), I will request two songs for this girl to let go. This one and “Dangerous” by Big Data (Google that and you’re welcome). Garbage was formed by Butch Vig, who made his mark as the producer for Nirvana’s Never Mind. Not a bad way to go.
What drives you on (what drives you on)
Can drive you mad (can drive you mad)
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had
Don’t believe in love
Don’t believe in hate
Don’t believe in anything
That you can’t waste
Stupid girl
Stupid girl
I can’t believe you fake it
I can’t believe you fake it
What if I hadn’t self-accepted in October 2014? Where would I be now?
Some things I know for certain. I would be about 50 pounds heavier, as the struggle would have continued and I would have eaten and drank to compensate. For those new to the Kandi experience, I detail my self-acceptance in October 2014 here. I would have much more free time since Kandi and the runner/athlete that came from my physical transformation that occurred once I accepted what I am would not exist. That time would be filled with food and drink.
I would not be nearly as internally happy, that is a given. I still marvel to myself when I find myself grinning from ear to ear without thinking about doing so. I’d probably have grown a beard and kept the mustache I had for about 35 years to mask my inner feelings. Snuff, a constant “counterbalance” to trying on bits and pieces of women’s clothing over the decades, I no longer even think about now. By now I certainly would have burned a hole in my lip or worse.
All of the joys outside of Kandi that I have experienced, because I was happy, would not have happened. My church and my church friends…..nope. All those compliments, the hugs, the love….nada. My museum friends and many other friends made would not exist. The sheer joy in thinking about an outfit, vetting it and wearing it, being told I’m wearing a pretty dress….only a dream. The euphoria I experience from racing, that would never have happened. I would not be as good of a husband (if in fact, I am a good husband) than I am now. No Boston Marathon, no movie credits, no conversation with Tom Hanks, none of my many friends seen and heard from here.
There probably would be some good that may have come of it. More time not consumed by Kandi would have required my finding something else to get passionate about. What would that have been? There are things I find interesting that I simply do not have the proper time to dedicate to, some of which may have enhanced my ability to generate additional income.
We all have forks in the road, which we never know about until we look back. Had I left that 1984 New Year’s Eve party 30 minutes sooner, I would never had met my wife, therefore would not have the wonderful daughters we have, no grandson, etc… I would not have been at that party had I called one friend instead of another to see what was going on that night. Back in the day, with no cell phones, what if he wasn’t home when I called?
I often reflect on my blessings (while mindlessly attending to my job), thankful for that job, my family and the “other” woman that I dearly love, my Kandi! She has changed my life in so many positive ways. Yet…
I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.
Please understand, every single day of my life, I still have pangs of self-doubt, I still have those “what is wrong with me” moments. They never leave. They certainly are much less than the first 50+ years of my life, they certainly have not impeded me from expressing my Kandi side, but they NEVER leave. With more free time due to recent occupational events, my mind has become more idle. And as I have written frequently, only one thing fills my mind when it is not otherwise occupied. This! Always has, always will. Lately, it’s a simple look at our grandson (he’s on the screen of my phone) that bring these self-doubt thoughts rushing back. But bottom line, I am hurting no one, I am doing nothing wrong. I know that in my heart and mind, but I still have to remind myself of it. Frequently, constantly. So, girls, give yourselves a break, be better than me.
Very soon (I am holding myself accountable by telling anyone and everyone I can), step one of my return to Patriot’s Day, Boston, 2027. I have worked tirelessly in my basement gym to craft a body that can again qualify for Boston. When all one does is run, they use the same muscles over and over again. Doing that to train last time for Boston lead me almost literally unable to walk without pain as I approached the race and resulted in an awful race time. Now I train any and every muscle in my body, frequently executing hour long workouts with between 500 and 1,000 reps of various exercises, all low impact, light weight.
I will soon run a half marathon without really running to train for it. If I crack the two-hour mark, step two takes place. Cut the alcohol back significantly, start a running regime and then run the flattest and easiest Boston qualifier this September. Then, I expect to return to Beantown for my last time and my farewell tour. The Kandi (although this is not a Kandi activity) on her Back Nine tour. Father Time is undefeated and he is leaning on me. Am I on 10 or rambling up to the final tee? Dunno….
That chick above is beyond cute, I miss her.
13 Responses
Always a lot to contemplate… Things happen for a reason!
Amen to that!
Kandi,
Your self acceptance in 2014 changed your life forever. You became extremely happy and beautiful.
But you also have to realise that because of you, thousands of people have become happy and beautiful. You have inspired so many of us to self accept. You have set the example for us to follow. You present beautifully as a woman and interact with thousands of people proving that CD/TGs are part of society and should be accepted for who they are.
My friendship with you has changed me for the better. You are my dear, sweet, loving girlfriend. I am very happy because of you.
I trust you realise that you have greatly impacted so many lives. The world shines so much brighter because Kandi Robbins lives.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
All my love
Jocelyn
You are far too kind, but I’ll take it Jocelyn! The love is mutual.
Boston 2027! I am rooting for you.
Support like that means the world! Thanks Amy!!
Big Sur 2028?? Come on Kandi, think about it. Join the other Boston runners at this race, the most beautiful race on the planet….Just kidding.
I had the mustache mask until I was 30. The full sideburns and chops. It’s a very common mask many of us wear to fool ourselves and others. Divorce my first wife and shave my face. I didn’t recognize myself for months. I am now thinking about professional facial hair removal, just tired of shaving.
Like you, this side on me has affect my weight. I figured out early on that there are a lot more styles available for thinner women, styles that don’t make you look like a sausage. I know that Cali is vain very vain. Furthermore, bikini season is just around the corner for those of us in the northern hemisphere. I’m down to my high school weight (down 60 lbs., 27 kg, or 4.2 stones, from my high).
My boy side also benefits from a thinner lighter body.
It’s funny how many of us have had the same or similar experiences. For the first few years as Kandi, I could still see the moustache. It was not because of poor makeup or shaving skills, it was just that it was always there and then was not, almost like a phantom pain when someone loses a limb. Be well my Cali pal!
Good one KR…made me remember when I joined a running club after my second divorce. Started training for a local marathon. Two practice runs every week, treadmill work in-between. There was a group of us in our fifties at the time and we decided we were in the best shape we’d ever been in. The marathon came and though I only did the 5K version, it was a piece of cake. I even sprinted the last stretch. “On my way to bigger things!” I was thinking.
A few of us went to breakfast afterward and when I got up to refill my coffee a pain shot down my upper inside thigh area. I could barely walk all of a sudden. “Must’ve pulled something at the end there” – I was thinking as I limped over to the coffee area.
The next practice after the marathon we all resembled the walking wounded, especially the ones who did the 10Ks and the full marathon. One guy who ran the whole thing actually came to practice in a walker and having to be helped by his wife. But he was gushing over the fact that he completed the entire marathon. My leg pain was still present, actually seemed to be getting worse as the days went by. Yet there I was back at the track for practice—for what? The next race? Heck, I thought, I’ll be lucky to just walk a couple laps tonight. I went around the track once and the pain was increasing. (That pain stuck around so long that I finally went to see the doctor after two months of it not going away. The diagnosis : Pulled groin muscle from stupidly sprinting the last part of the run, Einstein!)…So I kept on walking right back to my car and drove home. Screw this! As I drove home, I decided that I was no longer going to be a member of the running club. I also decided that may have been one of the dumbest things I’ve ever done…(for me of course.) I reasoned that my body only has so many steps in it to begin with. And as you deduced above dear Kandi, with running you work the same muscles over and over. At some point they’ll get weaker and wear out. Why would I want to speed up that process? The answer is I wouldn’t. And there’s also the joint damage to consider, to knees and ankles, etc. All of that eventual wear and tear now being amped up by my late-stage running antics. 5K marathon would be my first and last long distance running adventure I thought at the time. And so it’s been.
We all will face battles we cannot win at some point in our lives. I accept that fact. I just don’t want my eventual demise to be the result of something that I did!🤣😊
Gracey, not as it relates to running, but as it relates to my Kandi presentation, I am coming to the realization, pushing age and fashion boundaries are coming to an end soon for me. Kandi will then shift into an older woman mode, but in the meantime, it’s go time! You are the bestest!
Well the good news about “transitioning” to old lady mode is we’ll certainly be two of the “Golden Girls” when we do.🥰
Not to mention it’s a helluva lot easier look, IMHO…
❤️
Kandi,
At school if the weather didn’t permit any other sporting activity we had to run , I enjoyed road running but hated cross country , I found it easy to cover the miles without too much effort , I’ve never run again since leaving school but I never lost my fitness .
As for feeling the pain of exercise I started skiing at 55 and loved it , the ski instructor took us out everyday I didn’t feel the pain at the time but it took six weeks afterwards to walk without discomfort . I would love to do the slopes again as Teresa just one last time .
As for my weight I prefer to be 147 to 154 lbs , anything over doesn’t feel right , being Teresa gives me the incentive to watch my weight , male mode just doesn’t give you that satisfaction of clothes fitting well and looking good .