Getting Out – 2 – Why Not?

All of this blows my mind.  In my normal life, I’m a shy loner, the person who, when attending events where I don’t know anyone, sits in the corner answering imaginary messages on my phone rather than trying to get to know people.  A few years ago, the idea that I would willingly, even enthusiastically, step over the threshold of my house into the outside world dressed as my feminine alter ego was inconceivable.  When I joined the cohort at KL, I was very much the odd (wo)man out – Kandi and the others were enjoying life in the outside world, interacting with others and seeing acceptance at every turn whilst I was rammed firmly in the closet with the door well and truly locked.

For a long time, that suited me fine.  It was all about the clothes and nothing more.  Outfits were bought, worn a few times for a spot of brief self-adoration in front of the mirror and then, once guilt got the better of me, purged only for the whole sorry cycle to repeat itself a few weeks or months down the line.  I knew that other CDers went out and enjoyed life in the outside world but that was just something that seemed so far from where I was that it didn’t feature on my radar at all.  

But things change.  Rather than protecting me from its dangers, I began to look at the front door of my house as the portal to the outside world and it was perhaps inevitable that I would eventually take the plunge.  But there was still one huge hurdle to cross – fear.   And that fear gives rise to reasons, or to be more honest, excuses as to why we can’t go out in the guise of our feminine alter egos.

So how did I build up the confidence to not only overcome those fears but to take things to the point where I fell completely comfortable being out en femme and interacting with sales assistants, waiting staff and others in the outside world?  Here are some of my excuses and how I overcame them.

1. I could never do that!

I always felt that it was a case of either being fearless in any situation or scared by just the thought of being outside.  Two binary options with nothing in between.  How many times did I read one of Kandi’s posts and think that I could never do what she does?  Probably as many times as I read one of her posts!  But that didn’t really matter to me; I was quite happy with it just being about the clothes and the idea of going out fully presenting as female just didn’t cross my mind.

But then things started to change as I began to take notice of the other contributors who were just relating their experiences of a quiet walk in the park, a trip to the shops or a snack in a café.  And each time, they were met with acceptance from those they interacted with.  And that’s when I got hit by two powerful forces – ‘I want some of that’ and ‘if they can do it, so can I’.

And so I started to think the unthinkable – taking my CDing out of the closet and into the real world – and the more I thought about it, the more I wanted it.  But even though the will was there, it remained an uneasy bedfellow with the abject fear of being on show.

2.  But I’m safe indoors

There’s no feeling more secure than knowing that the front door is firmly shut and the family is out with zero chance of anyone returning home unannounced (but please bear in mind that the chance of being caught in flagrante can seem negligibly low but it’s never zero, something that more than one CDer I’ve been in contact with learned the hard way).  We probably also have the curtains closed to avoid the possibility of a passer-by or nosey neighbour glancing our way and seeing the sordid truth.  So, for the inner woman, home becomes a sort of cocoon protecting us from the perceived evils that lurk in that alien world known as ‘outside’.  It doesn’t help that we know full well that if we do cross the threshold, we will be met with a baying crowd of torch wielding neighbours, a TV (unfortunate abbreviation!) crew, a busload of long lost relatives and a guy with a megaphone proclaiming ‘TRANNY AT NUMBER 15, TRANNY AT NUMBER 15’!

I still remember the trepidation I felt when, in my full feminine finery, I drew back the privacy curtain on the front door and looked out through the small window.  And yet, despite my fears, the outside world looked exactly the same as it always did and the fact that I was dressed a little differently to normal did not make a blind bit of difference.  It sounds a little trite now but that moment really was life changing, at least as far as Amanda’s life was concerned.  I’d seen the world through her eyes and realised it was absolutely no different to the world that ‘he’ inhabited.  And I started to understand that if ‘he’ could go out into the world with no concerns, then so could she.

3. I don’t pass!

If ever there was an off the shelf excuse for not taking our CDing into the outside world, it’s the declaration that ‘I don’t pass’.  To make matters worse, whereas ‘passing’ should just mean being indistinguishable from a genetic female, its subliminal meaning is being indistinguishable from an attractive genetic female because that is inevitably how many heterosexual guys (which describes most of us) judge femininity.  And without trying to sound too defeatist, that remains a lost cause in my case.

It’s hardly surprising that many CDers feel this way.  First of all, we have to contend with the obvious facial and anatomical differences between men and women.  But it only takes a quick look at a photo-based CD forum to realise that some are better at covering their maleness than the rest of us.  Or so it seems.

Makeup is a godsend of course.  Well applied makeup can cover a multitude of sins and it is quite apparent that the ‘star’ CDers have either learned the dark art or enlisted professional help.  And, of course, some have a head start in the looks department with faces that, despite their male features, lend themselves to being transformed into convincing females.  But that’s little consolation for the rest of us, particularly when we’re either unaware, or overlook the fact, that these days many use AI filters such as FaceApp to enhance their photos.

Not passing doesn’t really matter when all we’re doing is admiring ourselves and lamenting what might have been while dressed in our finest in front of the mirror.  But it matters a great deal when we’re out in public, mingling with the population at large and interacting with others in shops, bars and cafés.  Or at least that’s what we think.

The truth is that very few genetic women look like Helen of Troy’s twin sister and never mind having a face that could launch a thousand ships, some have faces that could sink many times that number!  I’m being unkind of course but the point is that women come in all shapes and sizes and yet can go through life without people questioning their gender.  

It took me a while and several outings to realise firstly that most people who see me have better things to worry about than whether my chromosomes match my presentation, secondly that most of the small percentage of those who do realise almost always don’t care and thirdly that by dressing to blend in rather than stand out, few people would even look my way in the first place.    I have no issue with those who want to be noticed when they go out but the truth is that most women don’t wear a smart dress & killer heels to go to the shops and any that do will turn heads.  Even so, dressing down doesn’t mean having to settle for the androgynous jeans, T-shirt and sneakers but just turning down the glam to a level that doesn’t look out of place.   I’ve had fulfilling outings wearing a jumper, trousers/ pants, heeled ankle boots and a simple coat.  My hair and makeup leave no doubt as to which side of the divide I’m presenting as and the clothes, whilst not traditionally feminine, are what 21st century women wear and perfect for blending in.

It’s also important to remember that, at a range of six feet or more and dressed to blend in, practically no one will spot anything out of the ordinary with you.   At closer ranges, for example when sharing a lift/elevator, people may notice but, as I said above, almost certainly won’t care if they do.

4.  But my voice will give me away!

Unless you’re one of the lucky few with a naturally feminine voice or have spent a lot of time and effort developing feminine inflection, then this is a given, I’m afraid.  No matter how perfect your makeup is, how feminine your deportment is and how well you blend in, as soon as you open your mouth, all bets are off.

So get over it!

The thing is, though, that whilst our voices may betray our XY chromosomal combination, that’s all they do.  For all anyone we talk to knows, we could be a full time post-op transitioner, a very occasional CDer or anything in between.  And so most people we encounter won’t even try to work it out and just afford us the same amount of respect that they’d give anyone else.  For me, this realisation marked a turning point.  Even if someone has different views of TG people – who they understand are dealing with deep seated needs to present and live as the opposite sex – and CDers – who they may denounce as just playing ‘let’s pretend’ – they have no way of knowing which category we fall into.

And with that in mind, I decided to ‘identify’ as exactly what I am – a genetic male somewhere along the TG continuum and, all of a sudden, I started passing 100% of the time!

I’ve not been faced with the ‘are you a guy’ question yet – probably because there’s absolutely no doubt that I am so it’s pointless asking – but I like to think that if I am ever confronted by someone asking that, my response will be ‘is it that obvious?’!

5. Someone I know may see me!

It’s an occupational hazard but there are two things I learned here.  The first is that the further away from home we go, the less likely we are to see someone we know and the second is that even if we do see someone, the likelihood of recognition is low given that we’re presenting in a way that they’re not expecting.

A basic principle in the art world is to paint/draw what you see, not what you know to be there and there are strong corollaries with our transformational activities.  Even when we are dressed in our finest with our hair and makeup on point, it’s all too easy to spot elements of ‘him’ when we look in the mirror because we know that those elements are there.  Others who see us don’t have that reference point to start with so can’t make the connection with our male sides nearly as easily as we can.

Another ‘trick’ I’ve learned is not to wear my glasses unless I need to drive, read labels or enter my PIN into a card machine.  As a result, if I was to come within close range of someone I know, I wouldn’t be able to see their facial features and so there’d be no flash of recognition to give the game away.  It also has the added advantage that I can’t see anyone pointing at me and smirking!

That said, it’s important to remember that cars can ‘out’ us, particularly if they’re eye catching in some way.  For that reason, if I’m going out by car, I try to park it away from our house before getting ready then leave the house on foot.  It doesn’t completely remove the risk of being recognised but it prevents neighbours seeing obvious clues.

6. But…but…but…

Of course, there remains a problem.  Even if every single one of our reasons/excuses for not setting foot outside has been resolved, we’re still absolutely terrified by the prospect.  Others may reassure us that we have no reason to be worried but isn’t being terrified reason enough?

Other people can tell you that you’ll be fine but at the root of everything is the need for you to want to do it.  Many CDers remain housebound out of choice and fully enjoy their feminine lives on that basis.  There is no single reason why we do this and not everyone needs the personal affirmation that being outside can bring.

But for many, including me, being out in the real world was an important step.  I’ve already talked about looking through the window to see the world through my (temporarily) feminine eyes but that was just the first of a number of steps.  It took several outings alone before I was brave enough to go anywhere near other people and several more outings before I was comfortable interacting with anyone.  In the end, it’s about learning to think as a woman, not a CDer.

For my early outings, I thought like a CDer – all that was important was getting out of the house wearing women’s clothes.  It didn’t matter what I wore as no one was going to see me.  It felt good going out in a nice dress and pair of heels because opportunities are limited so I wanted to make the best of them.  But I quickly realised that nice though my outfit was, it was out of place in the supermarket where everyone else was dressed very casually.  And knowing that there was a high chance that people would notice me, initially for all the right reasons but then all the wrong ones as the penny dropped, dented my confidence.  Being able to think like a woman – specifically to think about what an average woman would wear to go to the shops – was a game changer for me.  Yes, the heels were lower and the outfits more casual but the feminine fix was more intense as I no longer had to worry about standing out.

Much though I love my tailored dresses and stilettos, these days I’m far more interested in less formal outfits that just say to all but the most inquisitive passers-by ‘nothing to see here’!  And even if someone does ‘clock’ me, I like to think, or at least hope, that their reaction will be ‘he looks OK’ and not ‘look at the state of that’!

If you’re fretting about taking steps into the outside world and you recognise your own fears in at least some of the foregoing, I hope that you now feel reassured.  For the final part of this series, I’m going to go into my five point plan that’ll hopefully give you the confidence to not only step into the outside world but to positively enjoy the experience.