Getting Out – 1 – Why?

It’s difficult to put my finger on exactly when my mindset changed.  Ever since I first dipped my toe into the online CDer community, I was aware that some enjoyed full lives as their feminine alter egos and those full lives included regular forays into the outside world.  And as time went on, I started to realise that these were not furtive outings in the dead of night when no one else was around but mingling amongst and interacting with the general population.  But as far as I was concerned, it was just something that wasn’t on my radar.  The house was a safe haven where, thanks to Mrs A being at work six days a week, I could dress more or less whenever I wanted without any worries.  Why throw myself into the lions’ den that is the outside world where who knows what could happen particular given that there was no way I could ever get close to the transformations achieved by some of the online stars?

But then things changed.  The desire to taste the forbidden fruit became overwhelming and, in November 2020, I finally flung open the door that had hitherto protected me and things were never the same again.  A quiet walk where no one else was around eventually evolved into browsing in supermarkets & garden centres, then buying items, firstly via self-checkouts and then interacting with sales assistants.  First a mumbled ‘thank you’ and then conversations with wonderful women who knew exactly what lay beneath my feminised presentation before a wonderful experience at a Lebanese restaurant which I related in The Homecoming – 2 – True Acceptance (https://kandis-land.com/the-homecoming-2-true-acceptance/) .  And now, while family circumstances have changed and I have decided to curtail my outings for the time being, thoughts of how I can engineer an outing in the future continue to dominate.  Simple CDing for the sake of CDing no longer cuts it as far as I’m concerned.

But that begs the question why?  What is it about going out that is so irresistible?

I’ve thought long and hard about this and I don’t think there’s a simple answer other than ‘it’s just an expression of who we are and we’re just doing what humans do’.  After all, most people – including us in our normal personas – don’t shy away from the outside world so why should things be any different when we dress in a way?  But even as I look back over my own experiences, I realise that this over simplifies things.  Furthermore, I used the word ‘evolved’ above and that word was chosen for good reason as I realised that the imperative that drove me to take my first steps in the outside world was very different to what drives me now.

My outings into the outside world have had three distinct phases.  The first was going out purely for the sake of going out – nothing to write home about, just short walks of no more than 10 minutes in the neighbourhood making sure that I avoided all other humans and with palpable relief when I returned to the safety of the house.  The second phase involved driving to supermarkets & garden centres where I knew that other people would be around but where I avoided any interaction with others.  And the third phase was similar to the second but with the specific aim of interacting with sales assistants etc.

For phase one, the answer to the question why was relatively easy to pin down.  I had a small group of online friends, all of whom were quite happy to go out and about whenever the opportunity presented itself.  It was more or less a case of ‘come on in, the water’s fine’ and I felt a mounting imperative to free myself from the closet as a result.  The first outing was both exhilarating and anticlimactic and whilst I repeated the exercise a short time later, I then gave up on the idea of going out for a couple of years.

Although it was to be quite a while before I stepped outside once more, I had felt the urges mounting for several months before I finally succumbed.  And, as far as I remember, those urges were fuelled by two forces.  The first was a mounting feeling that I was starting to get my transformations to a reasonable standard.  I’d seen what was possible thanks to the expertise of Cindy at BWBG and after the initial despondency from feelings that I could never get anywhere close to what she achieved, I realised that with practice, I could get to a point where at least I was happy and could feel confident.  And the second was that, by then, I’d joined the cohort of KL contributors, all of whom were sharing stories of the acceptance and love they received from those they encountered when they went out and about.

And so began phase two.  There was still an imperative to go out just for the sake of going out but there were also now other factors at play too.  First and foremost, going out gave a purpose to my CDing.  Rather than the preparations just being the precursor to a bit of self-admiration in front of the mirror, I was now getting ready to go out.  I was doing what women do; choosing an outfit, applying makeup, stuffing the things a woman needs into my handbag and then, after a final check in the mirror, following through on those plans.  And, in turn, each of those elements had standards to meet – the outfit choice had to be suitable for the surroundings, makeup had to be applied to a reasonable standard to pass muster and the consequences of forgetting to pack house keys or a payment card before shutting the front door don’t bear thinking about!

And then, when out and about, I felt the freedom to do things which, in guy mode, I felt either self-conscious or bored doing.  Clothes, shoes, makeup and even lingerie could be browsed without any feeling that I was straying into forbidden territory.  

The transition from phase 2 to phase 3 was an interesting one.  Whilst I talked about the need to choose an outfit suitable for the surroundings, once I was out and about, I realised that I didn’t always get it right.  There’s absolutely nothing wrong with going to the shops wearing a nice dress and heels – a woman on her lunch break from the office or on her way to church perhaps – but when everyone else is dressed more casually, it’s easy to feel exposed.  Nicely dressed women turn heads for all of the right reasons but I didn’t want to turn heads, I just wanted to blend into the surroundings and be seen in the same way as anyone else – nondescript.  I also didn’t want to have to convince myself via a contrived explanation of my attire – a female office worker dressed in a smart dress and heels may nip to the supermarket at lunchtime to pick up essentials but I’m not a female office worker so the whole thing felt performative.

And that’s when I did the unthinkable – I put together an outfit based on trousers/pants rather than a dress or skirt!  And as I made my way from the car park to the shops, my confidence went through the roof.  I was no longer having to convince myself that I could be viewed as something I wasn’t, now I just blended in and people just walked past without giving me a second glance.  And that, more than anything else, spurred me on to interact with sales assistants, baristas and waiting staff without any worries.  Not only that, it made me want to keep doing it.

And that leads me to the real answer to the ‘why?’ question, at least as far as I am concerned.  Simply put, it’s affirming.  But even that doesn’t tell the whole story.

One particularly nice interaction I had was with a sales assistant who complimented my choice of necklace and earrings, commenting that it was a nice matching set.  A quick conversation about how nice the clothes in the shop were followed.  A nice woman to woman interaction which validated my status as a fully paid up member of the sisterhood.  Or was it?

The reality is that, at close quarters, my provenance is obvious and, furthermore, I do not set out to try to convince anyone otherwise for the simple reason that it’s impossible.  So what that sales assistant’s comment really meant was that she accepted me for who I am with a little bit of encouragement thrown in.  And it’s been the same story with others I have interacted with – no special treatment, just normal interactions.

But there’s more.  As I’ve walked through busy town centres and browsed in shops, I’ve noticed that hardly anyone looks at me.  I’ve had doors held open for me, shared busy lifts/elevators with others and had someone call out to ask if I was vacating a parking space and another asked which platform a train left from.  Of course, I’ve seen the odd double take and smirk but those are few and far between – the vast majority of people I pass don’t notice me at all.  And if that’s not affirmation, I don’t know what is. 

I’ve given up trying to figure out what makes a seemingly ordinary guy not only want to transform himself into the best version of a woman that he can but also revel in that indescribably wonderful feeling of being on show to the world when he does.  Something amiss in the womb?  Maybe.  Some sort of AGP?  Perhaps.  Envy of women?  Who knows?  It could be some or all of these or something else entirely and I haven’t the foggiest idea.  But what I do know is that when I do cross the gender divide, something deep inside me tells me that it feels right and getting affirmation from others, whether by them treating me just as they would treat any other woman or by completely failing to notice that I may not be all that I seem is the icing on the cake.

It’s a sad fact of life that many of us endure frustration & anxiety, and fail to capitalise on the wonderful opportunities that can be presented to us, by spending too much time striving to be something that we’re not.  We will never be natural born females and neither will most of us ever be indistinguishable from one in any and every situation.  Accept that simple premise and we can then start to enjoy acceptance for who we are.  Easy to say but not always easy to do so next time, I’ll look at the various fears we may have and how to overcome them.

-o-O-o-

I write my posts weeks, or sometimes months, in advance.  They may languish in my Kandi’s Land Word document (which now contains over 250 pages of ramblings) for extended periods waiting to get to the top of the pile for publication.  And this little series was an example of this.  In this case it was just that I had other posts that I wanted to see in print ahead of these and after a wait of several months, they have now seen the light of day.

When I wrote this, there were only three distinct phases that my forays into the outside world had fallen into – going out for the sake of going out, mingling with the general population without interacting and, finally, going out with the specific aim of interacting with others.  But even as my confidence increased, I always felt a degree of apprehension because I was stepping outside my comfort zone and into situations where I didn’t know what the outcome would be.  But I have now realised, and experienced, a fourth phase – feeling so completely comfortable and at ease in my feminine persona that I can do pretty well anything without any feelings of apprehension.  Things that once scared me now feel completely natural.

I don’t pretend that getting to where I am now has been easy.  Things that don’t really matter as a closeted CDer like makeup application and walking more than a few steps in heels take on a new level of importance when others will be around.  But, with practice, things get easier – things that seem impossible today become doable tomorrow and second nature the day after.  I don’t remember exactly when, for the first time, I looked in the mirror and realised that I’d finally achieved what I’d yearned for since my teenage years but now ‘Amanda’ is as recognisable to me as any other person I know and being able to see ‘her’ rather than just ‘him’ wearing women’s clothes gives me all the confidence I need to enjoy life in ‘her’ persona.

Next time, I’ll look at the common excuses we have for not taking momentous steps into the outside world.

Editorial Comment: I want to make sure we all understand how lucky we are to have our Gwen Saturdays, our lovely Sun-Dees and Mandy Tuesdays. Thank you ladies all!