Love this song by the band “I Don’t Know But They Found Me”, from 2020. I love all music and I crave current and newer music, it’s just hard for me to find, both because of how new music is rolled out and there simply isn’t enough good new music. This is just a fun song!
Now I want you to leave me alone
They say the devil that you know
Is better than the devil that you don’t
Oh, you’re a big shot here, but nobody else knows
Now I want you to leave me alone
I struggle often with how I navigate my life as Kandi. I go through stretches of bliss and stretches of questioning myself, wondering “what if”. “What if” I stopped? “What if” I stepped things up? “What if” I did this or that?
I dislike myself at times when I crave attention on the social media platforms. Truthfully, who cares if someone give you a 👍. Why do I feel the need to post frequently? The blog is my therapy couch, so I know why I care about this place. It is a community and my only real artistic outlet. I ponder, should I simply dry up and go away, live my life and then just move on? The socials do keep connections alive, but to what end? Does my example truly mean anything to anybody? I check Facebook and Flickr a few times a day and when there is nothing, I am disappointed. That is flatly pathetic. Maybe I need to take that next step in my evolution. This is being written near the end of June, and I am staring at a few weeks without Kandi, mostly for good reason (the first family vacation, or any vacation of any sort, in 15 years) as well as a wicked case of poison ivy, making it difficult to dress without looking like a leper.
Could I live without Kandi? I pondered this question in an old post, which still resonates.
If for some reason, you had to stop being Kandi and live solely as your male self could you really do it, and how would you approach getting rid of your feminine self?
Could I really do it? Yes, I did it for almost 50 years of my life. I’ve done so for long stretches where “cheating” was not possible. Now doing it and being happy doing it are two very different things. I’d probably revert back to some of the obvious things that I did because I wasn’t very fond of myself, maybe grow a beard, probably put on weight, disdain being photographed and or even noticed. Pull back into myself more.
Could I get rid of my feminine self? I don’t think of myself as feminine, more like that being a component of me. Could I get rid of it? Of course not! We all know it never goes away, no matter how much we try. Alcohol doesn’t kill it. Risk taking doesn’t make it go away. Hyper masculine occupations or activities make no difference. I have said this here and in other places, if I could take that magic pill and make this all go away, I would do so in a heartbeat. I still believe that even with the joy I have found as Kandi. There would be no questions asked. It would just make my life easier. Also, if I were to get rid of these feelings, that pall that hung over me would then not exist and the true me, the gregarious, outgoing and loving person that exemplifies itself through Kandi, would be me!
One thing I know I would have to do if I had to shut Kandi down: stay offline! The internet has been wonderful for letting us all know we are not alone; it has been wonderful for allowing us to connect all over the world. But it is also pervasive, it seeps into our psyches. Over recent holidays I spend much more time online simply because I have much more free time during a time of the year that the weather is not that great. So I troll around beyond my usual haunts, and it just gets my mind spinning. My ability to manage these feelings over the course of my life were when the internet wasn’t around and/or I simply didn’t look too much at CD and CD-related sites. Technology……a dual edged sword.
Click here for all of Julie’s social media platforms!
Originally posted on Facebook June 20, 2026.
“I wanted to write something insightful and inspiring here, but I couldn’t think of anything. Let me just go with this: The lesson of my first year of crossdressing in public is that making friends was better than the euphoria. The euphoria was absolutely incredible, but finding community made it so much more enjoyable.”
We feel fortunate to be able to poach Julie’s Facebook posts here. I strive for as many different views of our world as I can find.
8 Responses
Kandi,
Sometimes I feel we need to question ourselves , working online isn’t reality it can sometimes takes us off track , we say things we don’t mean . As Teresa I could survive now without the internet , it doesn’t affect how I live as Teresa but I do need it like most to stay in touch with social groups I’m involved with . I don’t really need it for validation but I admit at one time I did , it can be so hard to dig yourself out of a hole without a few kind words , thank goodness I’ve stepped off that rollercoaster !
I sometimes question why I remain on Kandi’s Land , the simple answer is I enjoy your attitude to life , you never give up the fight , you try and support others . I hope I offer support as one of the few who lives full time , it’s not for everyone but I’m here if people need to talk it through .
We value your contributions here as well as those of anyone who comments, it all adds to helping others!
Kandi,
We all come from different places and we all are going about our life differently, but with some similarities. My life changed dramatically when I started viewing CD/TG websites and YouTube videos seven years ago.
My eyes, mind and heart were opened up to a life that was the real me. The light switch was turned on. If they can, so can I.
Of course my major inspiration was Kandi’s Land. You spoke to me in a way I never thought was possible. Your website was, and still is, a shining example of how we can live and love.
I grew in my femininity. I grew in my appreciation for others. I grew in my acceptance of myself.
During some of my darkest times, you pulled me out. You saved me. Thank you.
Because of you, I travelled to Cleveland and spent many delightful hours in your company. No words can fully express my utter joy. You gave me so much. Thank you.
As a bonus, Kandi’s Land has introduced me to other wonderful ladies who have become true friends.
No matter where our lives lead in the future, my life is better because of you.
I love you,
Jocelyn
You are a kind soul Jocelyn, and I am the one blessed to know you!
Hi Kandi:
I can certainly relate to what you are saying here. If one is a loner by nature – as I am – crossdressing can be an activity that is practically tailor made for us. From my point of view if one is free from the guilt/shame cycle (which plagues so many of us) you can enjoy it completely on your own. However, reaching out to the community at large -via online and perhaps eventually personal friendships – heightens and enriches the experience in a most dramatic fashion. I consider this community outreach an integral part of my overall CD experience and through the magic of the internet is one that I can participate in on a daily basis if I wish- en femme or not . This connection has been a big factor in the flourishing of my Kris persona and as long as I can keep it in balance and perspective with the rest of my life I’m in good shape. I hope you – and everyone – feels the same !
Best,
Kris
Love your perspective, Kris!
Kandi,
After reading Jocelyn’s and Kris’s comments I wonder how many others are dropping in on KL and found inspiration without passing comment , I’m sure we would all love to meet these people , come on in the water’s fine !!
😊