This is always with me. This never goes away. This shapes almost every thought I have and fills any void or crack in my schedule. I find ways to do this in small ways or in full or complete ways. This defines me.
Fortunately, I have not allowed this to reshape my priorities. Husband, father, athlete, son, brother, friend, worker, provider. Fortunately I have never let this trump responsibilities or obligations.
Yet when alone with my thoughts, this is what I think about.
I’ve called Kandi the great time sponge, but she is also the great life sponge, sucking up giant chunks of my life that could be used better otherwise. This make me happy, but leaves a void. Say what you will, but most men derive their self-worth from their careers. I am a happy and giving person, have helped raise two wonderful human beings, but nonetheless, I feel unsatisfied. Please don’t tell me I am not as I intellectually know this, but I feel like a failure. I have begun rebuilding a career, now doing things I love. But they need to bear fruit… It has been a huge uphill climb and the job that pays the bills takes away the time necessary to grow the business and escape into that career I want. My Catch 22.
Given current circumstances (this was originally written during the BLM issues during the pandemic), I can never know what it’s like to walk around black. But you know what? I do know what it’s like to walk around like this, where no one is fooled, everyone knows I am male (that is a fact). So I have an idea what it’s like to walk around and not be exactly like the majority. The same, certainly not. But comparable, could be….. All lives matter.
This always makes me happy. But this also always makes me think, what else? What could I be doing otherwise? Or how can I do this better? Differently?
This makes me happy and this frustrates me greatly. I wish I wasn’t this, but can’t help being this, I have accepted this, I never asked for this.
This never leaves. This never goes away, even for a moment. This is me and I am this.
When you figure this out, please let me know!
And now, a musical interlude, one of the smartest, snarkiest, wittiest and bestest songs ever! My mantra.
Now I don’t know when and it’s hard to explain
But it seems like things are just kind of insane
Because the world is crying, but nobody is listening
So please leave a message on my cell phoneI see bullets getting better, biblical weather
And the guy on TV is like a total asshole
Who are you wearing tonight?
Celebrity fundraiser tight
Black ties making wrongs right
How’s your social band-aid?I don’t know much, I don’t know too much
But I know this: shit is fucked up!I guess it’s all about the dream
(Nah nah nah…)
The ends justify the means
(Nah nah nah…)
I’m telling you, shit is fucked up
(Nah nah nah…)
You know it’s all about the dream
(Nah nah nah…)
The ends justify the means
(Nah nah nah…)Now thank God for the media
For saving the day
Putting it all into perspective in a responsible way
With more celebrity news
Typical bullshit and views
I think we’re losing this fight
Sponsored by Bud Light
And now we’re rocking the casbah
And taking the flag
The genie’s out of the bottle
And we can’t put it back (put it back!)
All this stuff
It’s overwhelming my brain
Can’t you see the storm coming
It’s coming this wayI don’t know much, I don’t know too much
But I know this: shit is fucked up!I guess it’s all about the dream
(Nah nah nah…)
The ends justify the means
(Nah nah nah…)
I’m telling you, shit is fucked up
(Nah nah nah…)
You know it’s all about the dream
(Nah nah nah…)
The ends justify the means
(Nah nah nah…)
They justify the means!Shopping Sprees, RPG’s, ecstasy, atrophy
Genocide, Pimp my ride, politize, euphemize
Injustice everywhere, apathy, I don’t care
Hurricanes, climate change, Huh!Therapy, I won’t tell, rehab and LOL
Worldwide calamity, TV Reality
Euthanize, supersize, death squads and boob jobs
VIP infamy, Gratify instantlyI don’t know much, I don’t know too much
I don’t know much, I don’t know too muchI guess it’s all about the dream
(Nah nah nah…)
The ends justify the means
(Nah nah nah…)
I’m telling you, shit is fucked upYou know it’s all about the dream
Songwriter: Bryan “Dexter” Holland, an actual Doctor in Molecular Biology!
(Nah nah nah…)
The ends justify the means
(Nah nah nah…)
The means!
The means!
I may be old, but I am still that kid at heart!
8 Responses
Kandi,
I was going to ask , ” do you want it to go away , would you really like to live a total male lifestyle , do you resent sometimes having to make the choices ? I know the answers appear obvious otherwise you wouldn’t spend the hours on Kandi’s Land .
I found Amanda’s comment really thoughtful when she admitted she’d hit her “sweet spot ” how relevant that is for most of us , when I get the questionable days I now think where’s your problem you’ve hit your sweet spot , life is good .
Thank you Kandi for posting your story. You have been through a lot in your life like so many of us have. You referred to “This”. I have referred to my femme side as “It” many times. After doing “It” for so long I accepted that this part of me will never go away. Terri is me. Unfortunately my wife of over 50 years will never have anything to do with Terri, which I completely understand. Life is about balance I believe. Thank you for your posts. I know they help a lot of people.
Please let the Big Guy know to let me pass when I reach the pearly gates! Thanks T!!
I will go to my grave never knowing and always questioning. For me, I am generally happy about it, but no one can deny a simpler life is generally easier than one which is complicated. For better or worse, this all complicates things. Thanks Teresa!
Kandi, I liked this post a lot. I’d particularly like to home in on one point you made – ‘ I do know what it’s like to walk around like this, where no one is fooled, everyone knows I am male (that is a fact)’. There’s perhaps a rider we should put on that and that’s ‘…but these days hardly anyone cares’. What’s particularly sad is that, on any trans forum, it’s never long before you encounter someone asking whether they ‘pass’ or admitting that they’re too scared to go outside in case they don’t. We can fantasize all we like (and I should know as I’ve done enough of it!) but in the end we have to accept who we are, not who we wish we were. ‘Fooling no one’ implies presenting an honest view and few would take issue if it’s done with dignity.
Never, ever easy is it?
Dear Kandi, I’m always encouraged to read things like this. I have been working off the grid, mostly out of service for a while and coming back to this site always gives me a boost. I have so many such feelings as you’ve expressed and it’s wonderful to have friends that know and understand. And that picture seems to perfectly match the mood.
I don’t think anyone in my own family would understand or accept my feelings in this regard as legitimate. Being this way makes me feel either extremely happy or quite distraught and I certainly never asked to be this way, at least in this life, to my knowledge. It always helps bring a sense of peace and clarity to this confused mind when I read what you and others have to say about those exact feelings and experiences I seem to be having. Maybe I should quit trying to make sense of it and just admit that I’m a woman, lol. But in my mind there has to be some logical reason for why we’re the way we are. Nothing I’ve ever read or heard has provided a satisfactory answer to me. But I hope I can eventually achieve that level of acceptance and confidence that you seem to have, even if it takes a lifetime to get there. You’re one of the brightest and most understanding people I’ve ever had the privelage to meet. I have such respect and appreciation for that, knowing what you’ve experienced hasn’t been an easy journey by any stretch of the imagination.
And that little ditty made me laugh but it was actually quite insightful when you look at the state of chaos this poor world is in. There must be bigger issues for everyone than worrying about a man dressed as a woman. Just my own experiences this past year have helped me realize that. As you know, taking a cue from you, I’ve been out in public dressed up several times with the knowledge I wasnt really fooling anyone and nobody cared at all.
Anyway, I’m glad to be back in the good graces of Kandi’s land for the moment and bask in your wisdom as well as that of your wonderful contributors.
Love, Liz
Liz,
You are not alone and I know you know that! Even though I have confidence and am generally happy, the doubts never go away. I am just older than you, life has kicked my tail quite a few times and I just push forward to survive and live another day. WE are always here for you. And yes, stuff is messed up!
❤️