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A Brief Escape

A small break from reality...

North Coast Men’s Chorus held their annual Christmas concerts. Fortunately, they had plenty of volunteers so they didn’t need me. December 9, 2023 was a very warm and breezy day and then it started raining throughout the evening. My wife’s issues left me conflicted about going out, but she insisted I go, so I did so in a rather shortened fashion.

Yes, I do appear happy in these pictures because I was. I basically slipped off my skin and slid into someone else’s. Someone who only exists in joy because she doesn’t happen if life’s circumstances do not allow. That is the difference between me and a person in transition. I get to flick the switch which is why those that chose the difficult path have my great admiration. But we live in the grey, not the black and white and this day I took advantage for some time to escape.

I kept it simple with my outfit and went about running a few errands. Then I stopped for a drink and a bite to eat. As I sat at a crowded bar, during prime Saturday evening dinner time, in a crowded restaurant. I reflected on where I was and how fortunate I was to be having the experience. No one being anything other than kind or simply not noticing me (always a very good thing). As seats filled around me, I was referred to as Ma’am a few times and engaged in light conversation. I then headed to the concert.

I collected many hugs, really heartfelt ones. I got quite a few “don’t I know you from….” comments. I caught up with many people and walked the venue, smiling and greeting patrons. I basically did nothing other than act as a goodwill ambassador or as I joke, as the chorus’ mascot. I did this for about an hour and watched the chorus render a beautiful version of “Joy To The World”. I then hit the backdoor and returned home. My batteries a bit recharged, my soul filled, but back to the realities of life as it is right now for us. As I have stated frequently, we are blessed, but we are also challenged, having it no better or worse that anyone else navigating life these days.


13 Responses

  1. Kandi ,
    Even those on the transition road have to occasionally flick the switch , perhaps the major difference is it doesn’t give you too much pain as it does me and others in my situation .

    The Xmas period is a difficult time , on Wednesday of this week I’m attending my second Xmas meal as Teresa with the other painting group , being picked up by a GG friend from the group . Thursday my ex has organised a family breakfast in a garden centre with a restaurant , I will be expected to attend in male mode as it’s the rare occasion I get to see my son and daughter with the grandchildren . I then collect beautiful cured hams from a local butcher and give one as a gift to my son , daughter and mother . My wife usually works on Xmas Day but this year she is off so she has volunteered to cook the Xmas meal , I’m invited but in male mode but on Xmas Eve my daughter is also doing a Xmas meal which I usually attend as Teresa . I had the usual telephone conversation with my ex about the whole situation being my fault and how wrong it is , after six years I simply tell I’m not continuing that conversation and she’s wasting her breath . The outcome is I’ve declined her invitation for Xmas Day , that part of my life is over and no good will come of being in her company . I did hope we could remain friends but nothing has changed , of course it’s sad when I consider the people in my life now don’t know she exists , I can never speak of her .
    Transition isn’t easy so I really appreciate your admiration for the life we’ve chosen .

    1. This is all the collateral damage that these issues create. Getting better? Sure. Every easy? Never. It is and always will be framed by our own personal circumstances, decisions and those in our lives. Thanks for sharing.

    2. Teresa my dear I so feel your pain
      I had so wished my family would have understood me but it was just never going to happen
      My choice was to never see my son and family or be the man they had seen for many years.
      I really could not lose that connection especially after my divorce so I chose to be the man around them
      It’s not an easy life being trans but we all do our best to navigate it as best we can
      Merry Christmas my friend

      1. Rachel,
        Many thanks for your kind message .
        Christmas is suppose to be the time of forgiveness and good cheer but for many of us it’s a time of worry , stress and guilt . We question who is right and who is wrong . We’re told those few hours won’t hurt you but I’ve gradually built the foundations of my new life around Teresa and not the male me , so few even know me as the man I was and that’s the way I prefer it , if I’m seen in those few hours it could undo so much of who I am now .

        At least I have the full support of my daughter and my son has seen me several times so all is not lost .

        I hope you have a very Happy Xmas .

  2. Being a mature person, at least chronologically speaking, I occasionally respond to health surveys administered by the clinic or the insurance company. Invariably, these surveys ask questions about ability for self-care, mobility, mood, and sense of safety. I am fortunate to have no concerns in any of these respects, but obviously, these are issues confronted by many people my age and older or they wouldn’t be asking. So, when I am feeling troubled by the state of the world or when my thoughts slide into regrets for elements of my past, I can pull myself out by remembering how fortunate I am in comparison with the bulk of humanity.

  3. Some days we just need that escape from our day-to-day life, to push aside our worries and be able to enjoy the time in any season. Your wife understands this, even as she deals with her own concerns. Put on your makeup and that beautiful smile, then see how even a couple of hours can reduce your stressful feelings.

    And I love your sweater!

  4. Kandi,

    I have thought about creating a post, “My Life as a Chameleon”. Some days I make three “Clark Kent” changes in one day, all so I can live the joy that you describe. As long as I can keep juggling (and the balls don’t fall), I will survive!

    Three metaphors in three sentences. Maybe my post should be “Living my Life as a Metaphor!”

    Kandi, your post is important because you keep DOING so that you can keep BEING Kandi. We are all glad for that; it is a good reminder.


  5. This is setting me longing for another escape myself, it’s been so long. I think you looked simply fabulous with that sweater. I always admire your creativity. Wish I could give you a hug too, Kandi. But I’ll just have to send whatever love I can give through this comment.

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