In the transgender world I navigate every day, it’s a word that hits harder than most. I’ve got plenty of Facebook friends and superficial connections—scrolling through likes and comments feels good in the moment—but real, close friends? That’s a rarer find. I’m grateful to be married and count my blessings for that partnership, though like any couple, we have our ups and downs.
I’ve chatted with so many stunning trans women who share the same story: no shortage of interest in the bedroom, but when it comes to actual relationships? Society’s stigma slams the door shut before anything can even begin. It’s like we’re seen as novelties, not as whole people deserving of deep, meaningful love.
This past weekend drove it home for me. I attended an all-expenses-paid business event—exciting on paper. Ran into a friend I’ve known for 25 years who had no idea I’d transitioned. I managed the Zoom parts discreetly, but the in-person reveal? Total shock, as expected. He was kind, and we grabbed a snack to catch up.
The event organizer, someone I’ve known a bit less time, had the same reaction. They suggested we “not be seen together” during the main activities to avoid explanations and keep the focus on the product launch. I get it intellectually—I even offered that option first—but emotionally? It chips away at your soul, one polite rejection at a time.
To my friends credit, we still chat and he’s been interactive.
And it’s not just in professional spaces. I live in a big community of 850 homes, full of smiling faces and friendly greetings on the street. But anything more substantial? Nope. An invite to come over for lunch? I’d love to, but it never happens.
Even my neighbor of over five years, who I thought we’d moved past all that awkwardness with, eventually gave in to the stigma. Now, he can’t even be seen with me—like I’m some kind of liability.
I will say my childhood friend was incredible and accepting from the day it slipped out with a social media post to the wrong account. I’ll not mention his name but he knows who he is. Thanks buddy.
My sisters? Understanding but not agreeing yet still loving.
It’s these everyday isolations that pile up, making the loneliness feel inescapable.
Transitioning isn’t just about the expense, the pain, or the endless time it takes. It’s the ripple effects: strained relationships, business hurdles, financial hits, and yeah, that profound loneliness that sneaks in when you least expect it.
So, what do we do? How do we build those genuine connections in a world that still sees us through a lens of “other”? If you’re trans or an ally reading this, drop a comment—share your thoughts, your stories. Let’s turn this loneliness into a conversation that brings us closer. 💕
Dr. Gwen Patrone
12 Responses
Gwen, that was a thought provoking post and a dose of reality about a world it’s all too easy to think of as perfect when on the outside looking in. I’m sure many in similar positions will appreciate your candour in raising this and saying the quiet part out loud.
Loneliness is something that’s been on my mind of late but in a very different context to yours. I am a loner at heart, quite happy with my own company and whilst I have a circle of longstanding and loyal friends, we only get together every few months. As Amanda, I never feel lonely. The little interactions I have in shops, museums or restaurants are Amanda’s oxygen because every compliment, smile or quick chit-chat sends a message of acceptance loud and clear. The isolation I feel is at other times when she is hidden both physically and emotionally and the shutters have to come down to keep all of this well away from those closest to me. The highs can’t be celebrated and the lows have to be explained away with unrelated platitudes.
But it’s important to keep this in perspective. Your loneliness is real, mine is to a great degree philosophical because, paradoxically, it only really manifests itself when others are around. There’s no easy answer to the situation that you and I’m certain, many others find yourselves in but perhaps all it takes is a catalyst because, for the most part, it’s fear of the unknown that drives this.
I think the word lonely is the word of the day for society as a whole these days Gwen. Seems like everything I encounter anymore is trying to gear itself to function without any human interaction whatsoever. And it seems like a lot of people, (people younger than myself for the most part) – are okay with it. I don’t get it. And I don’t think it’s a good thing for the world.
Since I started playing the character of Grace a year and a half ago, I’ve noticed that there’s a lot of my new “friends” who aren’t friends at all. People I have nothing in common with other than we both like to wear dresses. It’s not enough. Say or do the wrong thing somewhere online, in the ethers, it doesn’t even have to be directly to them, and they will drop you like a bad habit. “Ghost” you. A penchant for wearing women’s clothing is not a strong bond for forming friendships on any level. People need to have way more than just one thing in common to be friends and stay friends. And this is not a T-girl thing at all, it’s a human thing. Today, everyone’s out there “doing their own thing.” By themselves for the most part. For some things it’s fine but certainly not for everything. Personally I like to get to know people, especially if I get a sense we are simpatico.
As always in life, good friends are not easy to come by. Good thing we don’t need too many. You have to be more than a one-dimensional character in any pursuit to make friends beyond the boundaries of it. For me you also have to be – God forbid – interesting. Intelligent. Communicative. A sense of humor is an MUST. Isn’t it ironic that in an age where it’s easier than ever to communicate with anyone, anytime, so few of us are really doing it? Or, for whatever reasons cannot bring themselves to? I do not get it. However, I do get that life’s short. Shorter than we all want it to be. See that up in the sky there? That’s time flying.
Your point about having nothing in common with many friends other than a liking for wearing dresses is something that I’ve noticed too. And I’d go further and say that sometimes it isn’t just a case of having nothing in common but the realisation that our views are so polarised against each other that continuance of the ‘friendship’ would just lead to us coming to metaphorical blows somewhere down the line. Often it’s just easiest to turn around and walk away.
Gwen,
I felt more lonely when I was still married , once I’d revealed the truth I became isolated , it was onlymy social groups that filled that void .
I know I took a big gamble when I moved into my new home and became Teresa fulltime , my ex-wife and son predicted I’d live a lonely life stuck in my new home without family or friends . With that as a starting point the only way was up , no matter what I looked like and what people thought I had to get my new life together , I had to start a home from scratch , I had new neighbours to deal with .
The difference was I was retired , I didn’t have the challenge of work colleagues to convince but saying that I’d chosen to continue with my old art group in my old home town ( about a twenty minute drive away ) . I’d walked out at the end of the winter meetings in male mode and rejoined the spring session as Teresa , out of the group of twenty only one stuggled to come to terms with my new appearance , after a couple of weeks he realised everyone else was treating me perfectly normal so he joined in . Since then I found a group in my new town and started attending twice a week , I walked in and introduced myself as Terri without a single problem . I now go out twice a week with a group for a light lunch and we all have a great time with Xmas meal .
I’m also a member of the National Trust so I could join a support group in my town , I serve on the program committee to find speakers for our meetings and this year I’m organising a coach trip . Our annual holidays are really enjoyable they give us the chance to get dressed up more , they all know I’ll push the boat out a little .
Is there a secret , am I doing something different , or am I just very lucky ? I don’t think there is a single answer , it’s a combination of each small part coming together to tip the balance from male to female . Over the eight years it’s been a gradual process of building self belief and confidence , on a daily basis I don’t think about my gender , outside Kandi’s Land I don’t talk about being transgender . To me the game changer was my official name change , to allow me to apply for a passport and driving licence as Teresa , so many things follow on from that change , officially everything is regisered as female .
If you encounter people who choose not to have you as part of their lives then you have to accept the loss and move on , personally I’ve been very surprised how few people have totally rejected me . Ironically the majority have been CDing/trans friends , once you go full time you find doors close behind you , a bit like graduating and leaving college .
Teresa, I think Gwen was writing more about romantic-emotional type of relationships. I think that is very extremely difficult for those of us who are single and on the spectrum to find a relation deeper than friendship. Many women want to be friends, extremely few want to be more than friends.
Cali,
I touched on that point when I mentioned my ex-wife and son . It’s really hard to desribe all the emotions I felt when I left my old home and followed the removal truck with all my belongings , my sister in law had come to help and she sobbed when I left possibly more so than my wife . The end of my marriage and the start of a new life as Teresa in a new home and not knowing a single sole .
I did feel it might be possible to find a suitable ( female ) partner to form a new relationship but after almost 50 years of marriage I realised finding good friends was all I needed besides I’m too old and after a short time I began to enjoy my freedom .
I get a great deal of pleasure in supporting my new friends , when an ex husband died with a close friend she was so grateful for the support I gave her at the funeral , she admitted she couldn’t have got through the day without me .
Funerals aren’t usually on our bucket lists but I’ve now attended two as Teresa , I’ve found people scrutinise you closer than they do at weddings , ” Who is that woman ??”
Lonliness sucks for sure. I am a closeted transwoman. For me? I have my wife and that’s all I need honestly. So I count my blessings.
-Christina
Wow, very deep and very true… I definitely felt your emotions and mine as I read your narrative. I am very blessed to have Kandi as a wonderful friend and I do have a few cis women as friends but those relationships are guarded. I guess we just keep going with our heads up like we belong and it’s okay to be who we are!
if you experience the death of a much loved spouse you will also experience a major loss of former friends etc .It would be nice if folks transitioning were counseled on this aspect of what they will face.But we also need to examine ourselves i.e. do we sort of expect rejection which might cloud the entire affair? The more you let your true personality shine through each contact the better things will turn out. But I’m sort of a big mouth extrovert so that might help
Emily,
After I separated , my ex sent some terrible Emails , I couldn’t believe this was the same person I was married to for so many years . At one point she was told by a counsellor that losing me was like a bereavement , so she started telling people I’d died , my daughter was furious with her , I knew I had to put a stop to this crazy story before my grandsons got to hear of it .
Do we expect rejection ? I guess the majority of us do , I really had to deal with that problem after going fulltime , hold your head up high and stop looking over your shoulder for reactions , fear of rejection fades very quickly after that . Like you I’m a bit of an extrovert , sometimes my friends ask don’t you ever run out of breath because I talk so much .
Loneliness, it a common challenge for many in our age, trans or not. But narrowing it down to our community, yes, loneliness seems to be a very central aspects of being trans.
I am trans and identify as a woman. I can express my feminity in my home within the limits my wife is comfortable with. Other than that however I am closeted though important people in my life know I struggle with my gender identity.
Those that know are accepting, but I am sure they are accepting because I have not imposed upon them my feminine self. And thus the loneliness dilema. They are really interested in knowing the male me not the real me. Even my wife with her limitations only knows me as her husband. She has yet to meet Charlene and thus she too doesn’t know the whole me.
Should I transition and live stealth I see me facing the same dilemma in that I would lose much, most, all (not sure) of my current relationship. I could build others I am sure, but being stealth they would not know the whole me, which would raise the internal question, “how would they treat me if they knew?”
On the other hand if I lived out and open I see very much having the same loneliness burden that Gwen describes.
Loneliness just seems to be one of the many emotions that makes being trans more challenging than many other conditions.
One of the emotions that helps balance this for me is hope. Living full time seems so impossible yet the reality of who I am is so real that the hope of achieving that one day helps me push through the loneliness.
Thank you for listening,
Charlene.
Charlene,
It really is a tough dilemma , I faced those questions none of which I could answer until I’d taken that final step , you really are stepping into the unknown . It’s great to say now I have no regrets , I have lost so little and gained so much .