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The Loneliness of Secrecy: A Story of Hidden Truths

Story time!

John sat in his study, the room dimly lit by a single lamp. The door was locked, as it always was when he needed to be alone. On his desk lay a carefully folded dress and a pair of heels, hidden beneath a pile of papers. He glanced at the clock—two hours until his wife, Mary, would return home. Two hours to be himself. 

John slipped into the dress, feeling a mix of relief and dread. He admired his reflection in the mirror, but the joy was fleeting. He knew he would soon have to pack everything away and put on his everyday facade. The secret weighed heavily on him, as it always did. 

That evening, John and Mary sat in the living room, watching TV. The silence between them was comfortable but heavy. John felt a pang of guilt as he looked at Mary, her eyes focused on the screen. He wondered if she sensed the distance he tried so hard to hide.  

Act 1: The Strain on Marriage “John, are you okay?” Mary asked suddenly, her eyes searching his face. “You seem… distant lately.” John forced a smile. “I’m fine, just tired from work.” 

Mary frowned but didn’t press further. She turned back to the TV, but John could feel the unspoken questions hanging in the air. He wished he could tell her the truth, but the fear of her reaction kept him silent. 

Act 2: A Glimpse of Freedom The next day, John met his friend Mike for lunch. Mike was single, living a carefree life with a close-knit group of friends. 

They laughed and joked, and for a moment, John felt a twinge of envy. “How’s Mary?” Mike asked between bites of his sandwich. “She’s good,” John replied, trying to sound cheerful. “We’ve just been busy.” Mike nodded. “You should come out with us sometime.” 

“The guys are always asking about you.” John smiled, but his heart sank. He couldn’t imagine being his true self around Mike and his friends. They were open-minded, but the fear of judgment was always there. 

Act 3: The Confession One evening, John couldn’t bear the weight of his secret any longer. He sat Mary down at the kitchen table, his hands trembling. 

“Mary, there’s something I need to tell you,” he began, his voice barely above a whisper.  Mary looked at him, concern etched on her face. “What is it, John?” 

John took a deep breath. “I… I like to wear women’s clothes. I’ve been doing it for years.” There was a moment of stunned silence. 

Then, to John’s surprise, Mary reached out and took his hand. “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” she asked softly. John felt tears welling up in his eyes. “I was afraid. I didn’t want you to think less of me.” Mary squeezed his hand. “I love you, John. This doesn’t change that. I just wish you had trusted me enough to share this part of yourself.” 

Act 4: The Path to Acceptance In the weeks that followed, John and Mary talked openly about his crossdressing. Mary had questions, and John answered them as honestly as he could. Slowly, they began to rebuild their relationship on a foundation of trust and understanding. 

One evening, as they sat together on the couch, Mary turned to John with a smile. “You know, I’ve been thinking. 

Maybe we should have a night where you can be yourself. No hiding, no secrets.” John’s eyes widened. “Really?” “Yes,” Mary said, her smile widening. “We can stay in, watch a movie, and just be ourselves. How does that sound?” 

Act 5: A New Beginning The night arrived, and John nervously donned his favorite dress. Mary helped him with his makeup, and for the first time in years, he felt a sense of peace and acceptance. 

As they sat together, watching a movie and laughing, John realized that the loneliness he’d felt for so long was beginning to fade. The fear and anxiety that had dominated his life were being replaced by a new sense of freedom. 

In the end, John understood that the love and acceptance of his true self were the keys to overcoming his loneliness. 

The journey was far from over, but with Mary by his side, he felt hopeful for the first time in years. 

John’s story is a reminder that the deepest connections and the truest forms of companionship arise from acceptance, openness, and authenticity. 

The courage to reveal one’s true self can transform loneliness into a path toward genuine happiness and connection. 

THE END 

 Dr. Gwen Patrone

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17 Responses

  1. Gwen, that was a lovely story but I think it’s important to stress that for many of us, the outcome will be very different. Many wives do not understand the emotional pain we go through as we come to the realisation that, after years or even decades of marriage, we need to be honest with them and just see it as systematic deception by the person they fell in love with.

    In the end, when faced by the scenario in this post, all we can really do is try to see the whole issue through their eyes and shape our own ‘script’ on that basis.

    I hope you won’t mind me pouring a little water on the flame here – the important thing above all else is to remember that whilst immediate and unconditional acceptance is not a certainty, some form of compromise is a definite possibility.

    1. Hi Amanda,

      I totally understand. This is structured as a story and not an essay where I can cover variables. Much was taken from my own experience. But I get it that each will have different reactions. Sadly, most will have an adverse reaction.

      Thanks for your reply.

      Gwen

  2. Hi Gwen – this story mirrors my own in many ways, but I always count myself among the lucky ones. I hear far too many stories of debilitating secrecy. Still, I believe that full disclosure is the only way you can be free of the stress and isolation far too prevalent among us. Like John, much courage is needed to take that leap of faith, and the results are not always the best, but in many ways it is the only way you can escape your self imprisonment.
    Best,
    Kris

  3. Hi Gwen,
    Your story is beautiful and the out come just what we crossdressers long for. But unfortunately for most of us the outcome is far different.
    My wife and I have been married for 48 years. When our relationship became serious and talk of marriage surfaced I knew the time had come to tell her about the other person who shared my body. I couldn’t bring the secret I had into a marriage. She had to be told, she had to know so she could decide what she was going to do. Marry this man she thought she knew or cut and run.
    It was without a doubt the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. After I told her she didn’t say much but wanted to make love. At that point I was thinking , wow, she’s accepting me. I was on cloud nine.
    But unfortunately that wasn’t the case. The first time I dressed as Trish in front of her she basically indicated she never wanted to see Trish again.
    Over the years I went to a Psychiatrist for a while without any success and later in life tried a psychologist whose cure was giving me electroshock therapy for months. As I’m sure you know Gwen, none of this worked. I was born this way just as you were born transgendered.
    Much later in life I met a girlfriend on Crossdresser Heaven who put me on to Kandi’s Land. From that point on things began to change. With Kandi’s help and my girlfriend’s support my wife became accepting. She still does not want to meet Trish but allows her to dress and go out with my girl friends and attend some CD functions. I still hope she becomes supportive but she is now accepting and if she goes no further I will still count my blessings.

    Trish ❤️

    1. Hi Trish,
      Thanks for the personal share.
      I wasn’t aware of Gwen until 4-5 years ago. I’d blocked out my desires for 45 years! My wife asked me why I never told her. I didn’t know!

      Gwen

  4. Gwen,
    I don’t think I’ll ever forget the moment when I finally felt my head would explode if I couldn’t say the words . When I finally sat my wife down the words soon turned to a torrent of tears like I’d never cried before or since . It felt like a millstone lifted off my shoulders , was I finally free to be ME ? Sadly NO the support and understanding gradually dwindled over the next fortnight , the wall of silence grew steadily and I was back in solitary isolation . The fact I’d manged to finally say the words gave me the strength to ask for outside help . I soon discovered counselling was considered a fix to my wife and not an acceptance of the dressing meaning something deeper . For a while I feared what the deeper meaning really meant , where was I heading , what did transgender really mean , do I have to start hormones and accept surgery to become a woman ? Naturally I also felt guilty because my wife was living with the same fears , what did the future hold for her , was she going to lose a husband and father to her children .

    We have to accept that once the words are spoken they can’t be retracted , lives change from that point , we enter the unknown . From that point it’s also important to be totally honest with yourself and accept what you are , you have to find your true self so you can be open and honest with other people . In doing so you also have to be prepared for the consequences , can a compromised marriage really work or is it best the free each other to hopefully build a happier life apart ?
    In six years my wife has seen me once as Teresa , for the sake of our children and grandchildren I feel she needs to meet me more but in a recent rant she told me if she had a gun she would shoot HER !!

      1. Stephanie,
        I can’t go into the back story here on that site maybe Email me . I lost some lovely friends but there was no budging the mods !!

        1. I got put into two month “time out” twice with the threat of permanent ban. You’re right about trying to communicate with mods. I would not want to have them on the board of a homeowner’s association.

    1. Hi Teresa,
      Oh my!
      My wife seems accepting but in anger, other feelings make their appearance. It totally depresses me. She married her husband and is attracted to her husband. I get it. I’ve tried to have a balance to her needs but it’s been increasingly more difficult.

      G.

  5. I am a child of the 1950’s and a teen of the 1960’s. As a little kid I was drawn to my mother’s white nylon slips that she hanged to dry from a clothesline strung in the hall of our apartment. The fabric was nothing like my boy clothes. At first I fondled them; then eventually taking them off the line and slipping into them in the sole bathroom. I had no desire to go further at that time or to be a girl. When puberty set in and the hormones were raging my interests expanded to her undergarments (bra, panty, slips, girdles) and the one sundress I fit in. Eventually, life put all that on the back burner and I thought those desires were purged from my mind. Fast forward after an infantry tour in Vietnam and marrying a small town girl I was drawn to a nylon peignoir I had bought for her. One night she found me wearing it in the kitchen. “Why?’ she asked. I told her the truth that I liked the feel of the nylon. We ended up incorporating nighties and hosiery for me into the bedroom scene; a little kinky set? A decade later our toddler daughter opened the bottom draw of my armoire and yanked out a vivid red Vanity Fair bra. “The Talk” ensued. After the dust settled and the words “If I had known I would not have married you!” were tempered but not forgotten, we settled into a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell marriage. She utters no ill words. She is supportive of LGBTQ+ but NIMBY. How how I wish your fiction story were real for me. I would love to wear one of my numerous dresses and beautiful undergarments and hosiery while we prepared, cook and eat nightly dinner together. Married fifty plus years. Maybe, the next time around.

    1. Stephanie,

      That’s a long marriage my friend.
      Don’t ask, don’t tell. I’d recommend the book Alice in Genderland to anyone like us. It’s so well written.

      Gwen

      1. It’s a long marriage because both of us respect the other’s opinions and the good and not so good sides of personalities. I pity the marriage where the wife seeks out to destroy her partners clothes, makes rude and insensitive comments and embarrasses her partner. On the other hand I pity a wife who has a husband who forces his wife to accept something that is contrary to her inner core.

  6. Gwen, I wish my story had a happy ending like the couple in your story. I handled the confession poorly and put my wife under stress and mental anguish. I did not mean to ever hurt my wife, but I destroyed her trust in me. I plan to be open with her on my gender expression, but it will be an uphill struggle. A struggle I am not to optimistic on.

    My feminine gender expression is a part of who I am and its very important to me. I would love to come to a compromise with my wife.

  7. Gwen,
    Although the story does happen, I would probably have a better chance of getting hit by lighting on a clear day. Both my ex-wives know I cross dressed before we got married. And my next girlfriend will know before we get too far into a relationship. I’m too far down the rabbit hole to accept a DADT relationship.
    Cali

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