This is my life. This is me.
Recently it dawned on me. I don’t fit in anywhere. Let me set the table a bit. I have said, time and again, I crave community. You need to accept that is my truth as you read more.
You have seen time and again, me with a broad smile, dressed as Kandi. Time and again, that is me, flying solo, out and about by myself or photos taken before something or someone disappointed me.
For well over a decade, I have tried time and again to fit into the LGBT community. While I have experienced moments, joyful moments, that is all they ever were. Moments. Brief joyful encounters. Zero sustainability. I am a member of a prominent LGBT business origination; one I have paid dues for probably a decade now. I have gotten nothing business related from it and when I simply ask for someone to talk to, it’s like trying to schedule a meeting with the Pope. Actually, I think I would have better chances with his Holiness. I am not gay enough (I am not gay, not that there is anything wrong with that), I am not trans enough. I fit no box.
I fully acknowledge, it may well be me. Most likely, it is. I may not be someone anyone gives a shit about. That is highly likely. But in my male life, I feel a part of various communities, I never think in these terms. But as Kandi, it is never easy. I am always wondering. I can lose myself in an outfit or an at-home photoshoot, but creating interpersonal relationships, it doesn’t happen. Trying to fit friends’ windows of opportunity or considering how I can get somewhere as Kandi given all that goes with it.
I have friends that time and again, leave me feeling empty. I am not stupid; they have their lives. Maybe I need to not care about anyone else except myself. Look in the mirror Kandi. Mostly likely, it’s not them, it is me.
I assimilate into the mainstream, but I clearly do not fit. I work event after event and in the moment, it is thrilling. But to what end? Are any business connections made? Are any interpersonal connections made? There are a few, but I hesitate to push them because they too have their lives.
Maybe I need to adjust my expectations. Maybe I need to shut this foolishness all down. By foolishness, I mean my trying to be part of anything. Yes, you see me happy here time and again. But what you don’t see is me reaching out for this or that and getting ignored or marginalized. Or people I care deeply about not understanding what I have going on in my life. All they know is Kandi, not thinking about all that goes into that.
I am a misfit, in the “normal” world, in the LGBT world, as a man, as a woman. I know in my heart of hearts, I am a worthy human being and have had that feedback many, many times. But to most, I am a pleasant curiosity. I don’t deep dive into my male interests because scratching my female desires takes time, lots and lots of time. Slicing myself in half leaves me with a half-life. Am I the best grandfather I can be? Am I the best this or that, athlete or income generator? Do I do anything well? Why am I not successful? Can Kandi model, be in another movie or experience this or that? Two ends pulling against the middle. One thing is certain; I am a survivor.
Is what it is. My evolution continues as it has for now 12 years. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and blink and will feel differently. I am blessed to have the freedoms I have but also am cursed living inside my head.
This is never, ever, ever, easy. Ever!
This post was written yesterday. I never post anything that quickly, but needed to vent…
6 Responses
Kandi,
When I look back to my schooldays I have very mixed emotions , I only enjoyed those days in parts , I can’t say for certain if my transgender situation singled me out , possibly because I wasn’t wearing that label then . It was a hurtful time , I enjoyed most of the sports but always found myself being the last one chosen when people picked their team . My nature found a way round it by being mischievous , playing pranks especially on teachers , it made me popular because it made others smile even the teachers at times . I’m wondering if the majority of CDers/transgender are loners , our lives don’t quite align with the majority of other people . I know I often think outside the box , consider if there’s another way of doing something , don’t always follow the crowd . I may have played the fool sometimes but like you I don’t suffer fools , at times I can be immovably stubborn , I believed in myself even if others doubted me . I made my mark as a professional photographer because I used my strong points . When I consider all this it’s possibly why I have succeeded as Teresa , she was like the icing on the cake , perhaps the part of the jigsaw puzzle that was missing . I admit my expectations were low , I was starting a new life in a new town , not really being a part of anything apart from my transgender social connections . That is the part that brought most disappointment because I was going to base my new life hopefully with that support but to be part of that community meant retaining a dual identity . I soon discovered it’s hard to integrate into society in that situation , you can’t be ALL THINGS to ALL PEOPLE ! Society is still very much a binary one you are either a woman or a man , I may ruffle a few feathers but non-binary is an alien concept to the majority of people , after 45 years as a married husband I couldn’t live the rest of my life in a lonely , alien environment .
I consider myself lucky that I now have the freedom to be what I desired to be , I don’t know how many years I can continue to enjoy it so I must now make the most of it .
Apptreciate you sharing!
Good afternoon, Friday afternoon at that!!, Kandi,
I hear what you are saying, clear as a bell, profoundly clear. I, too, am often disappointed by people and their seeming unwillingness, or inability, to take the time, to make the effort, to connect, to see who I am, and to enjoy the richness of life that I know, as another human rumbling along in this world. I hear you Kandi. If I lived in the Cleveland area, you and I would hang out, I know it.
I am a bit older than you, and also a dedicated, life long athlete. All that life requires, none of it is easy, none of it gets easier as we, ahem, move along in years, but the understanding, the perspective, what is in fact wisdom, that can come with having been around the block a few times, is helpful. As an ‘older’ person, I have only a couple of local friends, a couple, maybe a few friends around the country in touch only via e-mail and such, but a lot of acquaintences…..”Hey Joan, how are you today”……”Mike, how have you been, I haven’t seen you since last fall”…. and more like that. I wish I had more people that I could sit down with, have a beer, and just talk about the day, or about the gorgeous new skirt I just found at a local thrift store.
Still, as I, like many others, have been following your exploits, your evolution, for all these years since you went public with your online presentations, you do pretty darned well. Is it everything you want? No. I get that, I hear you. Is my life everything I want? No, but it is pretty good, especially in comparison with the vast, vast number of people on this planet who have really, really bad situations. I try to enjoy the good things that are a part of my life. The depressing things, the things that make me feel like it is so much less than it should be? Nobody said life was easy or fair. My motto is “Enjoy the day.” Onward for all of us!
Best to you and yours Kandi,
Marissa in Ohio
I always welcome hearing from you Marissa! You comment infrequently but always with great thought and wisdom.
Appreciate your words and you as well!
Kandi,
I am a friend that you went out of your way to accommodate “my” time schedule. I greatly appreciate what you sacrificed for me. I am so grateful for what you have given me, and I deeply love you.
I also know that I am one of those friends who have disappointed you. Abandoned you. Probably never returning to see you. This hurts me a great deal, as it hurts you.
But know this, you are a wonderful, giving, intelligent, hard working, fun person. You are loved by many; and billions of people cannot say that about themselves.
Being selfish is not a bad thing. Do what you enjoy, be the person you want to be. Your inner peace is what really matters.
I will never forget you, and I hope our past times together will occupy a small part of your brain.
You have a huge heart. Giving without expectation is the greatest gift. You are indeed the best gift this whole world has ever received.
Thank you.
Love,
Jocelyn
Love you Jocelyn, but the first two statements could not be less true!
You travelled to see me, a gift to me! Your life circumstances dictated where you are these days.
It just that feeling of belonging somewhere that I crave.
💖