This is my life. This is me.
Recently it dawned on me. I don’t fit in anywhere. Let me set the table a bit. I have said, time and again, I crave community. You need to accept that is my truth as you read more.
You have seen time and again, me with a broad smile, dressed as Kandi. Time and again, that is me, flying solo, out and about by myself or photos taken before something or someone disappointed me.
For well over a decade, I have tried time and again to fit into the LGBT community. While I have experienced moments, joyful moments, that is all they ever were. Moments. Brief joyful encounters. Zero sustainability. I am a member of a prominent LGBT business origination; one I have paid dues for probably a decade now. I have gotten nothing business related from it and when I simply ask for someone to talk to, it’s like trying to schedule a meeting with the Pope. Actually, I think I would have better chances with his Holiness. I am not gay enough (I am not gay, not that there is anything wrong with that), I am not trans enough. I fit no box.
I fully acknowledge, it may well be me. Most likely, it is. I may not be someone anyone gives a shit about. That is highly likely. But in my male life, I feel a part of various communities, I never think in these terms. But as Kandi, it is never easy. I am always wondering. I can lose myself in an outfit or an at-home photoshoot, but creating interpersonal relationships, it doesn’t happen. Trying to fit friends’ windows of opportunity or considering how I can get somewhere as Kandi given all that goes with it.
I have friends that time and again, leave me feeling empty. I am not stupid; they have their lives. Maybe I need to not care about anyone else except myself. Look in the mirror Kandi. Mostly likely, it’s not them, it is me.
I assimilate into the mainstream, but I clearly do not fit. I work event after event and in the moment, it is thrilling. But to what end? Are any business connections made? Are any interpersonal connections made? There are a few, but I hesitate to push them because they too have their lives.
Maybe I need to adjust my expectations. Maybe I need to shut this foolishness all down. By foolishness, I mean my trying to be part of anything. Yes, you see me happy here time and again. But what you don’t see is me reaching out for this or that and getting ignored or marginalized. Or people I care deeply about not understanding what I have going on in my life. All they know is Kandi, not thinking about all that goes into that.
I am a misfit, in the “normal” world, in the LGBT world, as a man, as a woman. I know in my heart of hearts, I am a worthy human being and have had that feedback many, many times. But to most, I am a pleasant curiosity. I don’t deep dive into my male interests because scratching my female desires takes time, lots and lots of time. Slicing myself in half leaves me with a half-life. Am I the best grandfather I can be? Am I the best this or that, athlete or income generator? Do I do anything well? Why am I not successful? Can Kandi model, be in another movie or experience this or that? Two ends pulling against the middle. One thing is certain; I am a survivor.
Is what it is. My evolution continues as it has for now 12 years. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and blink and will feel differently. I am blessed to have the freedoms I have but also am cursed living inside my head.
This is never, ever, ever, easy. Ever!
This post was written yesterday. I never post anything that quickly, but needed to vent…
