If I’ve got my maths right, this is my 101st post here at Kandi’s Land – 100 of those were written by me and the other one was a compilation of comments I’d left on the posts of others very kindly collated and given the title ‘The Wisdom of Amanda’ (words not normally seen in the same sentence) by Kandi when I had to take a sabbatical for a couple of months.
This is a milestone I really should be celebrating. I have to confess that I’m still not exactly certain how I managed it – anyone who knew me at school (and if you did know me at school and are reading this, I think we need to talk!) would consider it a miracle if I’d managed even 5% of the output I’ve produced. But perhaps even more miraculous than the quantity of my output is the fact that people not only seem to be reading it but that some also felt sufficiently engaged to leave a comment.
But how should I mark this milestone? I could do a retrospective, but I’d only be repeating what I said in my ‘Lucky Thirteen’ post. I could talk about the impact that being a regular at Kandi’s Land has had on me, but I covered that in post number 50 – Thank You Kandi. But I would say here and now that the gratitude I expressed in that post still knows no bounds and the words I wrote then are even more pertinent now. I could bang on about some aspect of crossdressing or other – the engagement that my ramblings have got in the comments sections to the posts are truly humbling – but the truth is that I’m running out of ideas. So, as the title to this post suggests, it’s now time to be frank.
My legal name isn’t Frank or anything remotely similar to it but if it was, it would be somewhat ironic under the circumstances. Saying that it’s time to be frank could easily be construed as meaning that I was quietly retiring Amanda and intending to spend the rest of my life as it started the moment the midwife exclaimed ‘it’s a boy!’. No, here I’m using the word frank in its meaning of being open and honest (but hopefully, unlike a couple of my recent posts, not causing offence which the dictionaries indicate is often the purpose of being frank) because changes in my life, in particular the retirement of Mrs A, will mean that I will no longer have either the time or privacy I need to prepare posts for regular publication.
So sad to say that this post will be my last contribution to Kandi’s Land. And as I write this, I have absolutely no idea of the path that Amanda’s life will follow in the new normal at home but what I think is certain is that my home will become a ‘him-only’ place and if her life is to continue, it will have to be conducted elsewhere with all of the logistical challenges that go with that particular territory. Perhaps it really is time to take the easy route, be Frank and change my name accordingly.
But let’s not be too hasty. Whilst Amanda’s future is uncertain, I need to figure out a way of marking both the 100+1 post milestone and bringing my time as a regular contributor to a close. It’s strange when you think about it – society lumps us all together under the transgender umbrella and yet we’re actually all very different in our beliefs, outlook and how we deal with the inner woman. And that’s what makes this such a vibrant community. We’re not all in lockstep in an echo chamber and it’s a fact of life that sometimes we will disagree. And really, the best thing we can do when we do disagree with someone is just to think ‘You do it your way and I’ll do it my way’.
I’ll do it my way. Hmmmmm…!
As I thought about it, I realised that Frank Sinatra’s song ‘My Way’ fitted the mood I wanted to convey in this post perfectly. It’s a celebration but its opening lines ‘And now, the end is near, and so I face the final curtain’ also evoke a tinge of sadness from the realisation that a line is being drawn. And as I looked at the lyrics, I realised that, in a tenuous sort of way, they aligned with my own evolution as Amanda. But, let’s be frank, tenuous just isn’t good enough for my swansong so I have taken a few liberties and ‘adjusted’ some of the lyrics…
And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friends, I’ll say it clear
It’s been a blast, of that I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I’ve tried to laugh, in quite a dry way
And more, much more than this, I did it my way
This verse really sums up both my time here and Amanda’s evolution. My first post here was in late 2021 talking about a makeover I’d had a couple of months earlier at Boys Will Be Girls in London. Actually, that was pretty well all I had to talk about at the time; the other contributors were out and proud and I was rammed so far in the closet that you’d have needed the fire brigade to extract me. Trips into the outside world were the stuff of dreams as far as I was concerned at the time but the reality now is I come back from every outing buzzing with excitement. I mean, who could fail to feel ‘chuffed’ at being complimented on their nail colour, hair, outfit or any of the other wonderful encounters I’ve had. And in the context that I have finally uncovered the whole me, I am living a life that’s full. Of course, there are still things to do – I’d love to experience Ladies’ Day at Royal Ascot, it’d be really nice for Amanda to make a GG friend or two and I’m still waiting for my first invitation to a hen night (actually, I’m still waiting for my second invitation to a hen night but that’s a whole story in itself which, given that it has absolutely nothing to do with crossdressing, won’t be aired here!)!
And as I hope is evident from some of my posts, I try not to take life too seriously. Life in general, and what we have to contend with in particular, has the power to emotionally destroy us if we allow it to. Like everyone, I’ve had low spots in my life but I’d far rather uncover the funny side of problematic situations (most of which concern my family driving me to distraction) than allow them to get the better of me.
Purges, I’ve had a few
And don’t forget, my two confessions
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each time I dressed
Each high heeled step along the byway
And more, much more than this, I did it my way
Ahhhhh yes, the lows and highs of being a crossdresser. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve purged in a vain attempt to rid myself of the scourge of my life. An outfit, shoes and wig were bought and tried on. I stood in front of the mirror elated at what I saw and realising that the small issue of my chromosomes need not stand in the way of living the dream. But after a while, presumably as the novelty of that particular outfit wore off, I started to realise that I was skating on very thin ice and the decision was made. Taking a deep breath, everything was loaded into two bags, one to donate and the other to go with the rubbish, and the deed was done. It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Sometimes that relief lasted several months, other times a couple of weeks but once or twice, it was measured in hours before grief set in and the whole sorry cycle started up again.
And confessions. As regular readers will know (and recent readers will have learned from the ‘Matrimonial Challenges’ series which was rerun earlier this year), my first confession was a disaster, culminating in a cease and desist ultimatum which I managed to comply with for five years. I don’t for one moment like the way I was treated but I understand why and ever since I have tried to ensure that my posts have been supportive of women & wives. Their acceptance is fundamental to what we do and we need them onside, not alienated through arrogant behaviour on our part or referring to them as TERFs or similar.
But enough of the lows. The highs when they come are beyond my wildest dreams and have intensified ever since I stopped just wearing women’s clothes and started dressing as a woman. The former just requires an outfit, the latter requires thought and planning – where am I going, what will others be wearing, how can I put together a suitable outfit from the garments I have, what colour lipstick and eyeshadow, car or public transport, etc. etc.? I’ve posted here about my hotel stay and my day trip to Central London. They were both memorable both for the experiences themselves and for the enjoyment I had in the run up rehearsing every step of the way in my mind.
Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I used…the ladies’ loo
And through it all, I had some doubt
But just smiled on my way out
‘Cos on my heels, I stood quite tall and did it my way
Now we get to the controversial part where, no doubt there’ll be a lot of head shaking and thoughts of ‘she’s overthinking everything again’. I’ve written about my conflicted thoughts about entering women only spaces, specifically fitting rooms in shops (although I have used the ladies loos too), and whilst the general consensus seems to have been to question why I’m worried, the answer very much links to what I said about being supportive of women. The truth is that I’ve never had a problem and the attendants have indicated that I’m very much welcome in those spaces. Am I just lucky that whilst I don’t ‘pass’, I’m not unduly tall and blend in reasonably well? Is their welcome recognition of the effort I have made in my presentation? Is it their company policy to allow entry to anyone presenting in a way consistent with expectations for those spaces. Or do they just not care? Who knows but despite my misgivings, I will admit to absolutely loving the experience of trying on outfits and getting the approval of the attendants.
I’ve loved being outside
I’ve had my share of people gazing
And now, as fears subside
I find it all so amazing
To think I did all that
And may I say, it made my day
And, yes, oh, yes, oh yes, I did it my way
These days, I love being in the outside world but it hasn’t always been that way. For too long, I let the inconvenience of not passing stand in the way of the wonderful experiences that I knew to be waiting. ‘What if someone realises I’m a guy?’ was my mantra and I can still remember times when I felt uneasy or even frozen with fear just because I encountered another human. But eventually, I looked in the mirror and no longer saw ‘him’ looking back and bit by bit overcame my fears. And with the addition of a single word, the aforementioned mantra became ‘so what if someone realises I’m a guy?’.
When I first crossdressed in the mid-1970s, the life I yearned for seemed so far away. The book ‘Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus’ had yet to be written and whilst I gather that the theme of the book is the differing communication styles between the sexes, the physical distance between to two planets of the title pretty well summed up the gulf I perceived between me and womanhood. Of course, there is a difference between men and women – the preservation of the species depends on it – but in terms of societal roles, I came to realise that far from being interplanetary, it’s often akin to just crossing to the other side of the road.
But what I’ve experienced is way in excess of just a feeling that I’ve crossed to the other side of the road. People will usually accept us at face value, even though they may know that the truth is something else, but I still have to pinch myself to ensure that my experiences are real and not just a dream. I still remember my first proper encounter; I walked into a shop still a bit apprehensive and the lady behind the counter gave me the biggest smile and asked how I was. I was so touched by her warmth that after leaving the shop, I decided to go back and thank her and a nice conversation followed. It was the same story in the next shop, this time a conversation about the jewellery I was buying. And as I’ve reported in posts here, since then I’ve had compliments paid, service with a smile almost everywhere I’ve been, chats with random strangers and other wonderful experiences I never in a thousand years previously thought possible.
And Mandy Tuesdays being a thing? As I suggested above, writing even a paragraph at school was a major undertaking for me. With 100 posts under my belt, heaven only knows how many words I’ve written but it’s probably in the region of a couple of hundred thousand. And from time to time, it seems that people have actually read them – who’d have thought it?!
For what is a man, what has he got?
A stash of lingerie, that’s what
To wear a wig, a dress and heels
And we all know, how it all feels
The highs and lows
That’s how it goes
I did it my way
There’s little more to add here. I think every single one of us understands the feelings we experience when presenting as our feminine alter egos. Some are lucky with supportive wives and families but the rest of us operate under a veil of secrecy with our inner women’s worldly goods hidden away in what is universally known as our ‘stash’. And for many of us, that stash, together with the highs and lows we experience, defines this side of our lives.
Yes, it was my way
There are many here who are far more qualified to give out advice than me although I have tried hard with the content of my posts, if only to help others avoid making the mistakes that I made along the way. But if there’s one piece of advice I’d give above all else, it’s do it your way. One of the biggest mistakes I’ve made is trying to be someone else and then feeling frustrated when I fail to measure up. I’m in awe of what Kandi and the other contributors here do, I envy the skills which some are able to apply to their transformations achieving results that register high on a scale of feminine beauty, I long for the spousal support that others enjoy. But I am me playing the best game with the hand I’ve been dealt and these days, I look on that hand as a winning hand – I may not interact with the volume or variety of people that Kandi does but I treasure every interaction I do have even though they’re few and far between. I’ll never be mistaken for Helen of Troy’s twin sister but when I look in the mirror and see Amanda smiling back, my reaction is nearly always ‘I’d date her’ (not that she’d accept ‘his’ invitation, she’s well out of his league!). And whilst Mrs A has no interest in suggesting a girls’ shopping trip or night out, it doesn’t matter me one little bit as I’m happiest flying solo just being me.
Above all, though, I try to keep my feet on the ground. Amanda is a product of my maleness – her personality is a derivative of my ‘normal’ personality & I have crafted her presentation in a way that my heterosexual eye finds attractive – and whilst I can declare that I wish I’d been born female, I understand that things would have been very different if that had been the case. I identify as ‘me’ and my pronouns are whatever you want them to be. I do not claim to be a woman as I have neither the chromosomes, anatomy nor lived experience to substantiate that claim but the acceptance that others have given me despite that never ceases to amaze me. Not everyone will agree with all of my philosophies and some will disagree with every single point I make but that’s fine – you do you and I’ll do me. As long as we get to where we want to in life, that’s all that really matters. It’s taken me half a century to get anywhere close to figuring all of this out but most of all Amanda’s life, sparse though opportunities for her to spread her wings are, is way beyond anything I ever thought possible in the decades before I finally found her. And that has made everything worthwhile.
I can probably best sum things up by declaring that Amanda seems to have inherited all of the positive traits of my personality and few if any of the negative ones (of which, sadly, there are many!).
-o-O-o-
Epilogue
When I originally wrote this post a few weeks ago, I envisaged that it would be a way to end my time at Kandi’s Land on a high. I’d talk about how it blew my mind to realise how far I’d come and how surprised I was with the response to my posts. I’d look back with pride and forward with hope. Mrs A’s retirement would pose a challenge but, in my mind, there was a deal to be done which would keep all of this away from her whilst still giving me the opportunity to spread my feminine wings. Sadly, life had different ideas and this epilogue would perhaps be better titled ‘Epitaph’.
It’s very easy to look at photos or read accounts and believe that the subjects live charmed lives. I’ve often talked about the freedom that Mrs A’s blessing to DADT has given me but the truth is that freedom only ever comes from either having nobody to share your life with or being with someone who completely accepts this side of you. After the euphoria of Mrs A’s concession had finally died down, I quickly came to realise that far from being free, I was starting to put myself into a place where there would be problems down the line. It’s like swimming out in the sea then looking round and wondering whether you’ve gone too far to be able to get back to the beach. And that’s before, for those of us who don’t live 100% of our life in our feminine persona, we factor in all of the pressures in the other side of our life – the side that is hidden in photos of us in all our feminine glory or breathless accounts of acceptance in the outside world.
Over recent months in my other life, I’ve been bombarded with pressure from all angles. Inevitably, something had to give and a few weeks ago, that’s exactly what happened. It had been on the cards for several weeks and, despite me dropping heavy hints that one of my troubles was something I was unable to talk about, the elephant remained resolutely in the room. Finally the damp burst and I went into meltdown and during the ensuing conversation, I finally decided to roll the dice and talk about the constraints that this side of my life was now facing due to the house never being empty. I suggested that it would be best if I booked into a hotel every few weeks to deal with this but two issues quickly emerged; the first is that Mrs A is uncomfortable with the idea of me indulging my feminine side anywhere other than at home and the second is that there is a huge gulf between where she thinks all of this is and where it actually is.
Her discomfort comes from a fear that if I am seen in the outside world, news will travel fast and lead to problems. I could allay her fears by saying that I have been out plenty of times and not only have I never had a problem but I have been met with acceptance and genuine affection from those I have interacted with. But to do that would mean that I would have to disclose far more than I want to and basically admit to deception on an industrial scale. Even showing a photo of Amanda taken in our house would almost certainly cause Mrs A a lot of distress. I completely understand her point of view in all of this – does a wife really want to know that the only thing that makes her husband happy is transforming himself into the most attractive version of womanhood that he can? Or that he’s left the house and then walked through busy shopping centres and other places like that? Or that it’s only her existence that’s preventing him from at least fully exploring the idea of living life as a female, if not taking that step permanently? Or that he’s entered female fitting rooms and ladies toilets? Or that she’s competing with her husband’s feminine persona for his affections? I would certainly not be happy if the tables were turned and Mrs A was doing these sorts of things.
Life forces us to prioritise things. In crude terms, I could stick two fingers up and say “I’m going to live my life on my terms, not yours” but would I really be happy? Would Amanda’s outings still be euphoric if there was the spectre of returning home to hostility hanging over every outing? My priorities remain, in this order, being the husband that Mrs A married and protecting what we have built up together so that we can enjoy however long we have left in comfort.
I want to stress that Mrs A is not the villain here. She accepts that crossdressing is something I need to do and did suggest facilitating time for me at home, which is not viable due to the unpredictability of the comings and goings of our daughter. Unless I toss a grenade into the middle of our marriage and tell her everything, the sad truth is that we have hit stalemate and I have little option other than to pack Amanda’s things away for what may be the final time. What I’m not going to do at this stage is purge anything; I know from experience that at least knowing the stuff is there helps me get through dressing famines in the same way that we have fire alarms but never expect to have to use them. Her bag of goodies will be moved to an inaccessible hiding place within the roof space so at least I won’t have the ongoing worry of discovery.
Perhaps a little perversely, I feel a sense of relief. It’s not the outcome I hoped for but at least it is an outcome. I no longer have to worry about when to raise this with Mrs A or feel frustration, or even resentment, towards my kids for their mere presence. Maybe things will change in the future but it would be foolish for me to place all my hopes on that. For now, though, I need to let Amanda go and accept that, certainly as far as the present is concerned, it’s for the best.
-o-O-o-
Even putting the foregoing to one side, it is with a heavy heart that I bring this post and my time as a regular contributor to a close – I am humbled on many levels. I am humbled that people have been sufficiently interested to read what I have written. I am humbled that Kandi was happy to include me on the list of contributors when there were just a handful of regulars. I am humbled by the nice things people have said to, or about, me in both the comments and in messages to Kandi sent via the contact page. I am humbled to have been awarded the accolade of the regular ‘Mandy Tuesdays’ slot here. I could go on (which anyone who has read my ramblings will know is something I find particularly easy to do) but I’m sure you get the picture. I have often had to pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming.
What has touched me more than anything is the engagement on my posts. I have to confess that a few of the comments have caused me to temporarily lose the will to live for one reason or another but all have been readers wanting to contribute to the discussion with their own experiences or opinions. I’ve appreciated every comment but it’s been particularly satisfying when a new name has popped up, someone for whom my words somehow resonated and prompted them to perhaps put their head above the parapet for the first time. And if you are reading this as one who comes, reads and leaves whilst remaining in the shadows, I hope that one day you will feel able to emerge and experience the joy that I have as my feminine side has blossomed and if you have drawn inspiration from what I have written, I’m just sorry that my story does not have the happy ending we all dream of.
I know that Kandi intends to repost my back catalogue and she does so with my blessing. However, I’ll apologise in advance that I won’t be replying to any comments added to them but I hope that the posts continue to provoke discussion in the future. For now, though, thank you all for the interest you have shown in my ramblings and the inspiration you have all given me to live a life that I never in a million years thought possible. But most of all, thank you Kandi for everything – I would say you’re one in a million but the reality is that you’re one in eight billion and it’s a real privilege to know you.
Beginning next week:
We will rerun weekly on Tuesday Mandy’s expansive catalog until we have revisited it all. My deepest thanks to her for her grace and wisdom. I have said it before, and I will say so again “Life certainly isn’t easy. And those of us with these gender issues come at this from a million different angles, a million different sets of life circumstances. There are no easy answers, but I do know, you have to seek happiness. If not, you simply cannot make others happy and/or give love.” We wish Mandy nothing but happiness, however she finds it.
15 Responses
This post was sent to Kandi just over one month ago and I’d like to add more detail regarding the epilogue to put things into a little more context.
Every decision we make in life not only resolves a choice or dilemma we face but also has consequences for our future life. The decision I took to take my crossdressing out of the closet and into the real world was a choice I made out of desire, not necessity, and had consequences. Some of those consequences were, to put it mildly, rather good. I’ve never come close to experiencing the levels of happiness that I achieved as Amanda in my normal life. I’ve never felt as right as I did when I looked in the mirror and saw Amanda smiling back. Equally, though, other consequences were not so good. Every time I stepped into the outside world, it had to be planned with military precision because I knew full well that all hell would let loose if Mrs A found out what I’d done. I also knew that I was digging myself ever deeper into a hole which I would have to climb out of when Mrs A retired.
But I kept on digging. A furtive trip outside when no one was about became a trip to a supermarket which became a trip to a shopping centre which became a night in a hotel. A closeted crossdresser became someone who, as far as most others who saw me were concerned, was just an anonymous woman in the crowd. And those I interacted with were happy to treat me as me, whatever their perception of me was.
And on that day just over a month ago when Mrs A stamped on the idea of nights away in a hotel, I faced a choice. I could defy her but would I be happy knowing that every time I went away, I would have to return home to questions and possible hostility? Or I could walk away in the knowledge that I would have to deal with the emotional fallout from hiding away an important side of myself?
In some respects, making the choice was more difficult because, as I’ve said here from time to time, in the parallel universe where I didn’t have a wife and kids, I’d want to explore exactly how far I wanted to take my feminine side with nothing potentially off the table. But that’s not because I face a ‘do or die transition decision but just because if I thought I’d be happier living as Amanda for the rest of my life, then I’d be mad not to at least try it.
But I don’t live in that parallel universe. I live in what for me is the real world and at this point in time, I’ve chosen what feels like the best, or to be more precise, the least worst option. I’m also acutely aware that Amanda’s happiness is a consequence of being able to leave all of life’s challenges on ‘his’ pile of clothes when I adopt her persona. But when one of life’s biggest challenges is caused by her mere existence, rather than providing the relief that it once did, the act of transformation would exacerbate things. The fact of the matter is that I went way beyond Mrs A’s implied boundaries (and, in fairness, where I thought my own boundaries lay) when DADT was agreed in early 2023 and I did so in full knowledge that the consequences of being discovered would not be good – some would say I was only following my instincts, others would say I was playing with fire and both are true.
Perhaps the only mitigation in all of this is the fact that as Amanda blossomed, the other side of me flourished too. Protective walls that I’d built around myself disappeared as the frustrations of suppression evaporated. The door is not completely closed to a workable compromise being found but I doubt that it’ll ever come anywhere close to affording me the same level of freedom that an empty house did for so long (such that what I had was actually freedom rather than just a perception of it). The challenge now is to find a compromise that provides the relief I need without blowing up everything else. Maybe that compromise will mean that I revert to being a very closeted crossdresser, snatching opportunities on the rare occasions that the planets align. Or maybe I will be able to negotiate more freedom, recalibrating the DADT agreement at least to some degree in the future. Time will tell.
I want to be clear here, I’m done with all of the lying, secrecy and deception. I could continue to capitalise on legitimate reasons to be away from home but they are few & far between and I want to enjoy my feminine time, not have the constant worry that I’ll return home to hostility or the ‘silent treatment’ or that I’ll have to be deliberately evasive when asked what I’ve been up to. Mrs A deserves better than that. Constantly worrying about covering my tracks, fearing that every sound outside is the unexpected return of a family member and lying by omission on an industrial scale have taken their toll and the whole thing has just become exhausting.
Am I happy with the way that things have turned out? Of course not but I’d rather live an honest life than constantly looking over my shoulder, living in fear of the truth being discovered and lying about where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. The situation with any of us who straddle the gender divide rather than living permanently on one side or the other is that we have another life which we have to make work. I don’t know what the future holds and, in any event, this was always going to be my final Kandi’s Land post as I recalibrate my life so it’s just the same leap into the unknown that it was always going to be. At least now I know the answer to the question I always knew I was going to have to ask; it’s just a shame that it’s not the answer I was hoping for.
Thank you again for reading my ramblings!
Amanda x
Amanda,
There’s so much I could comment on but as you point out all our lives are different , I have to live with my choices as much as you do , sorry to say this but I’m so much happier with those difficult choices . Am I stronger or weaker than you ? All I can say in my answer is I could no longer live a life I was so unhappy in . Part of my decision was based on the happiness or unhappiness my family were having to contend with . Was seeking professional advice a good idea or not ? I perhaps wouldn’t have followed up that choice if it wasn’t for the support of my GP , I admit this situation couldn’t have been easy for my wife , I’m fairly certain she was ( naively ) hoping I could be cured . While she chose not to join me in my counselling she had to respect me for trying to find answers to possibly resolve our situation , of course the bottom line is accepting the truth and trying to find ways to live with it . It did surprise me when she agreed to allow me to attend social meetings , perhaps she was hoping it would get it out of my system but it opened my eyes to the fact that this is truly what I needed to do ,the rest is now history eight years + and counting .
I admit I miss the immediacy of an open forum , I was a member of CDers.com and in that time I contributed and posted about 15,000 entries . I do feel guilty that I haven’t contributed more on Kandi’s Land , in the back of my mind I still feel I owe a debt to all the other contributors whether they were pleasant or heated , every comment needed thought , it helped me find a balance .
I appreciate the dilemma you face with your wife , it’s something most of us live through as CDers/ transgender folk , it’s a juggling act to try and balance between your needs and hers , who is right and who is wrong ? I tried not to see it as a prison sentence , our marriage was becoming an unequal compromise , often walking on eggshells , stifled conversations on certain subjects , accusations coming out of thin air . Problems became worse , what if the children and grandchildren find out , it was a time of tough decisions and I risked losing everything BUT it was coming to point where I didn’t have a choice , as much as I tried I was ceasing to function , to get through should I go back down the road of antidepressants ? I know there is no long term solution on medication all they do is paper over the cracks , as soon as we discussed separation it was like a weight lifted off both our shoulders . It allowed me to finally be open and honest with my son and daughter , it was unbelievable the feeling that I could now openly talk about what was hidden inside me . It wasn’t a case of them taking sides ( god forbid ) it simply meant they were being treated and respected like adults to allow them to understand . I was to give advice to anyone it would be treat your children like adults and respect them for the decisions they then make , I do count myself very lucky that they did understand and didn’t turn their backs on me , I had been a good father ( as much as any of us can be ) . I might live alone now but I know I’m not alone , I’m still there for them as much as they are here for me .
Amanda,
I do hope this isn’t the end of the road as far as Kandi’s Land is concerned , I will say again that you have my Email details please feel free if you need to chat and again you are always welcome to drop by no matter what guise you choose .
Teresa, thank you for your support and sharing your thoughts.
And also thank you for all of the enthusiasm you have shown in participating in the discussions that my posts have prompted – some of your comments have driven me to distraction (!) but all have provided an insight into a life that many of us thought was beyond reach and I know that every single one of them was written with the hope that I, and indeed all readers, could live a happy life. There is no ‘one size fits all’ solution to any of this and whilst, perversely, I am hoping that I can walk away, what you have shown that the solution that many of us dream of and are terrified of in equal measures can not only work but can end up giving us more than we lose in the process.
I wish you well and very much appreciate your kind offer and reassurance.
Amanda,
Your circumstances, my circumstances, are not unusual for people like us. This probably happens to most older CD/TGs. I totally agree with your statement: “It’s not the outcome I hoped for but at least it is an outcome.”
I also fully understand your need to stop the lying. That was my final decision maker.
But as I said to you in private, the realization of what we have accomplished and the emotional exhilarations achieved will remain with each of us forever. My Jocelyn photo library is a great source of pride for me.
I wish you all the best. Be proud of who you have become. You have lots of friends who are supportive, correspond with us whenever.
Continued love for you.
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, what can I say? I’ve appreciated your friendship and support more than I can ever express. I’ve said it many times but it was your reports of trips to tearooms that finally made me realise that the outside world was to be embraced & enjoyed, not feared & avoided. You’ve given me far more praise than I ever deserved and I know that you more than anyone understands my situation and the reasons I have made the decisions that I have.
I can’t thank you enough for inspiring me to evolve, and hopefully blossom, and whilst our feminine alter egos may be consigned to history, the memories most certainly won’t be.
Amanda,
firstly thank you so much for all 101 episodes you have contributed to this site.
As a UK-based Crossdresser of similar age I’ve found it invaluable .
I hope you’ll be able to contribute by comments on other people’s posts and maybe Kandi can get episode 102 as a result!
I think you’re right not to purge, maybe there will be an opportunity to dress again in the future. I experienced a long ‘drought’ in my ability to dress due to adult children at home (now moved out, thankfully) but it helped me to know that I still had a ‘stash’ available for when conditions changed.
Thanks again
Sophie
Sophie, thank you for your kind words.
If there is a ray of hope in this, it’s that Mrs A is more or less OK with the idea that I CD from time to time, the challenge is in giving me the space I need. In fact, a few days after the fateful conversation, I got a text from her saying that she needed a pair of ‘knee highs’ and asking whether there were any in the house. I knew that she was asking if I had any (which I didn’t) so replied saying that I may be able to find a pair of tights if that was any good. She thanked me for the offer but said it was too warm for them so that was that.
I live in hope but, fortunately, am also starting to adjust to the new normal so maybe it won’t be as hard as I feared. Time will tell.
Thank you so much for sharing. I see we face many of the same challenges, and some of the same acceptance “out in the wild” that can be so exhilarating. Mrs. G, like Mrs. A, also does not want anyone else to know about Grace. She too fears that if I am recognized in the outside world, news will travel fast and lead to problems. I don’t disagree. I don’t like the duplicity that our society foists upon us. I often dream of just being open and truthful with my children, family, and friends. I’m sure that I would meet some significant pushback from some. But I like to think that to be their problem and if they don’t want to associate with me, then that’s their loss. However, it can’t be just about me. Mrs. G would have to deal with the fallout, and I don’t want to make her life more difficult, even if I’m willing to accept the blowback.
I am so sorry to hear that you will be packing Amanda’s things away, possibly for the final time. I have considered that route many times, but if Grace disappeared, I fear that those suicidal thoughts that teenage me endured for the inability to be myself would come back. I hope that Amanda doesn’t fully disappear, for the sake of your own mental health, and I am concerned that the added stress may have a detrimental effect on your relationship with Mrs. A. No one is dealt the cards that they would prefer in this life, and we ALL need to deal with what we are dealt.
Peace, and take care, dear Amanda.
Grace, thank you for your kind words. So much of what you wrote could have come from me and it just underlines the struggles that many of us face.
For me, there are two issues – the existence of Amanda and the activities of Amanda. My gut feel is that she can continue to exist but the only way her activities can continue is by (a) lying or (b) revealing what I have done in her persona which is evidence of historic lying. When I married Mrs A over three decades ago, I knew I was hiding something significant and it took another 22 years for me to be honest with her and when I look back over the years following that confession, I do wonder whether she saw something in me that took another decade for me to recognise myself.
Whilst preserving Amanda’s existence is doable, it will be challenging because it relies on Mrs A being away and our kids being out of the way. But even that will be challenging because Mrs A’s perception of where this is, even removing the outings and writing from the equation, is a long way from reality. And that raises the question of whether i try to keep in touch with Amanda or bid her farewell. If she was a separate person and moved away, the decision would be made for me and I know from prior experience that in such situations memories fade and life goes on.
In the end, though, it’s important for me to recognise that whilst the euphoria of being the person I’ve always wished I was has in all probably come to an end, so has the guilt that came from doing things I knew were way outside what was agreed so I can only hope that my life is more settled from now on.
Amanda, add in a few hundred thousand more words to the total, with the emails we’ve swapped after your columns most weeks. Mind you that would have been a lot less words if your political views were different (!!!) Hard to believe we are on the same side (those discussions have been such fun!) But I digress. A story for you; and sorry this is all about me (you will understand that comment). My BFF, the first to know about Maddie outside my wife (note to self – always check the nail polish in bright sunshine before heading out to a meeting because women see that …) is about to get a rocket from me. She is being stretched beyond what is sensible, from multiple family issues, some requiring visits outside the country, to work that was supposed to be 2 days a week and is now 6, even while out of the country. We work together as well so I see the effects. This week she was finally taking time out for herself for a makeover I’d purchased for her, and then having some personal time, and now she has had her day changed to have to head back to work straight after said makeover. And (finally) here’s my point – she is doing everything in her life for everyone else except herself. And yeah that happens sometimes, but she has previous form with this and it will (and did in the past) affect her health. Sometimes you just have to say no. Or compromise. And sometimes it just has to be about you, even if that isn’t ideal for others. I worry for you because I know you can’t walk away completely from this. I see your writing now and compared to what you said to me by email a few months ago when you flagged the end, I see your thinking has already changed. So please, look after you too and live your live in a way that gives you happiness. You have an advantage over many in that what you do isn’t a shock to Mrs A. It’s just got to be figured out in a way that works for you both; and she should be compromising too if she really loves you. I just hope one day that you get to experience what I’m so lucky to have. And I hope one day you can give her that letter. Finally, at the risk of upsetting others, but with the experience of being a published writer with a major publishing house (not that that counts for anything except that I can say, see, it’s about me), I have no issue stating that your columns are (sorry, were) the best written on this site. I’m sure everyone else agrees, but it doesn’t matter if they don’t, I’m right! We will all miss our fix every week. Which means with 100 replays coming up my math calculates that you have just under 2 years to get your sh*# sorted and get back here with new material!
Maddie, thank you for your concern and for your friendship.
You’re absolutely right about it sometimes being necessary to look after number 1 but perhaps, in a perverse sort of way, that’s what I’m doing. It’s fair to say that the last few months of life have not exactly been pleasant. Other pressures have made life challenging and constantly going down mental blind alleys trying to find a way to navigate through this but all end up with me having to reveal far more than I would want to and which could make life far more difficult in the process. ‘The easy way out’ usually means a suboptimal solution and whilst walking away is undeniably suboptimal, it’s less suboptimal than blowing up my marriage and living with the fallout.
What’s important here is that communication lines are open, albeit communication is sparse. And unlike the aftermath of the 2014 ultimatum, this is a decision I’ve made more or less under my own free will. There’s no threat of ending the marriage issued, no atmosphere in the house and whilst I know that things are not exactly going to be plain sailing, I’m already finding that the situation isn’t nearly as bad as I feared it would be before all of this blew up.
And perhaps, as my parting words from Kandi’s Land, this is the most important message I can give to anyone operating under the radar as I have done. There will almost certainly be a day of reckoning; that day may be the day that the secret blows up, it may be the day that a prima facie supportive wife decides that she’s had enough or, as in my case, it could be the day when perceived freedoms come to an end. We can be in denial or we can accept that the inevitable will happen and plan for it. I’m in no way religious but it’s somewhat ironic that one of the first stories in The Bible surrounds partaking of the forbidden fruit and the consequences thereof. I not only tasted the forbidden fruit, I feasted on it time and time again.
Can I manage without ever seeing Amanda again? Almost certainly not. Can I manage without all of the adventures that I had in her persona? Probably yes if I’m honest. I’m already recalibrating my expectations and as long as that recalibration holds, I’m going to be fine.
I hope!
Amanda,
Sorry I am late to this Wake.
Here’s an idea, has your daughter taken a foreign vacation recently?
I too am older, and am thinking about Cali post-retirement and what that will bring. It’s hard.
I very glad you are not purging because this never goes away.
Cali
PS. I hope you come back.
Cali, don’t worry about the wake – the body is still warm!
Sadly, whilst my daughter is rather partial to trips abroad, my son has no such wanderlust and between them, they’re like those weatherhouse thingies where if one goes out, the other is in. Add in a couple of near misses in recent times and I’ve learned by experience that I’m not inhabiting a conducive environment.
You’re right, though. It’s hard and it never goes away and all we can really do in the end is hope for the best.
Hi Amanda,
Can I first express my thanks for the articles you have contributed to Kandi’s Land over the last few years. Your thoughts, about our difficult circumstances very much aligned with mine in most ways. And you were instrumental in helping me both discuss my feelings with others and also explore my own motivations and triggers.
Can I also wish you every success in your next phase of life. I understand the dilemma you face having had a disapproving wife and teenage / young adult kids at home. And I appreciate that you want to insure your home life is uncomplicated.
I will miss the update and stories of your outings but you have memories of these which you will not easily forget. These adventure have informed your opinions which are very humanitarian and well thought through.
I apologize for not enacting more, as my male self travel a lot for work and not in a capacity where I can dress so I tend to compartmentalize Tanja and her time to when I am home. I don’t always think about dressing but when I do it does grip me and I do become focused on planning an outfit or night out. Your articles have made me both evaluate why I do this. Your explanation of abstinence and the rush of going out echo my experience. Equally your words on how we appear to others and intepreting others interactions with our crossdressed selfd were very profound.
I hope life work out for you and selfishly I do hope that is in a way that means you can contribute future article to Kandi’s Land.
Tanja, thank you for your kind words. To know that my ramblings have enabled others to navigate their own lives is more than I could ever have wished for when I started here around five years ago and that alone has made it all worthwhile.
I know that the future isn’t going to be easy. I can walk away from forums, some I have done with a sense of relief, others such as Kandi’s Land are with a heavy heart, but I can’t walk away from myself and, as we all know, this never goes away. I can look back with pride at my back catalogue of posts here and to the several hundred photographs I have kept but those also remind me of what I am missing. There is a very thin line between walking away & suppression and I’m already realising that I’m sometimes on the wrong side of that line.
Thank you for picking up on my views on how we appear to others. To me, that’s probably the most important thing for any of us who venture into the outside world to think about. How we identify is irrelevant if others do not see us in the same way and our presence in the feminine world is by invitation not right. But what I found was that making the effort to secure that invitation was the gift that kept on giving, whether it was just a smile from a sales assistant who looked genuinely happy to serve me or a full-blown compliment of the kind we just never see in our male world. And perhaps that’s what I’ll miss most as, even though the outings were rare, they gave a new dimension to my life that I never experience outside of Amanda’s world.
Thank you again for your support.