When you look at me, when you look at a sister, toughness is not what jumps to mind. But let’s consider what I went through, what a sister goes through. I do not mean to be so “me” centric here, but my only experience is me (no shit, Shirley). I cannot and never will speak for anyone else.
Let’s think this through. We have all dealt with something “off” from our earliest memories. We have all thought something was wrong with us. No one, pre-internet, will dispute this. Little tidbits were available. A newspaper story. A storyline in a show, be it All in the Family or Bosom Buddies. Hints that we may not be alone with these feelings.
What this is, what we feel, what we deal with is mental. It is NOT mental illness (as it was labeled back in the day). It is not mental sickness, as many of the haters would say. But it is absolutely mental. It is how our minds work, how we are wired. Why can the general public understand depression, schizophrenia, being born blind, or with one hand, etc. but they don’t understand a female brain in a male body, however that manifests itself? Makes no sense.
Let’s talk toughness. This eats at us for years, decades, daily, in waves. But it is ALWAYS there. Every single second of every single day. We can push it away, we can ignore it, get distracted, but it lurks…. It stalks us. It is always there. Am I wrong?
There is some level of toughness to get your head around this. Okay, I have an issue. How do I deal with all of it? Who am I and how do I move forward? How do I make it go away and then when we fail at that (which we all know is nearly impossible), how do we move forward? The world hates us, will hate me, will scorn and torture me, so we think. Why wouldn’t we?
Self-acceptance of this, however you manifest it (crossdressing, trans, dysphoria, active transitioning, seeking therapy, on and on), is the first step, the first brave move. While this is not health related physically, it is most certainly health related mentally. The stigma of mental issues is subsiding somewhat, the stigma of gender issues as well, but we are far from it being easy to reveal yourself to the world. Especially these days. Especially with the tinder that social media can be. Its dual edged sword, allowing us to find others with the same struggles while allowing cowards to mock and cyber bully us. We have to be tough to take this first real step.
Now, what do I do? Who am I? What about the life I have built? Was it built on lies or are there just truths that I need to explore? I am this person, maybe one I am comfortable with, but long to be that person, one who has spoken to me my entire life. It takes great mental toughness.
That first time in public. That first time doing your own makeup, knowing little about color correction, a proper shave, how to contour, what actual makeup items are needed, are needed for your face. We’ve all worn a dress, but how do I wear a dress IN PUBLIC? How do I walk like a lady? Where do I go? What do I do? How do I speak? What happens if someone laughs at me or says something rude to me? Will anyone be kind to me? Questions, questions, questions with no answers because I am me, I am not you. I am here; I am not there. I am a unique human, different than him, her or anyone else. How will I be seen by the world? Extreme mental toughness is required.
Then you do it, you get dressed and drive somewhere, let’s say to the mall. You pull into a parking spot, and it feels like you are on stage at Madison Square Garden, alone. You open the door and place your heeled foot on the pavement and begin your evolution. You push the door open and again it feels like the spotlight is on you. You adjust the hem of your dress, hike your purse up on your shoulder, a shoulder not used to carry anything in this fashion before and off you go. Girl, you got this, you are tough! You had the guts; you had the courage to be YOU and to do so outside your home.
I know this, I am always noticed. Always. Now, I am not foolish enough to think every single human being that has laid eyes on me has processed me as just another woman walking by or entering the room. I am not foolish enough to think something wasn’t thought or whispered or eyes were rolled. But I can say truthfully, no one that I can recall has ever said (spoken in the real world) anything denigrating to me. And many, many times I get smiles, a door held open, ma’amed, or the best thing ever, unnoticed. But I do know I am noticed, if only for my height, somewhat taller than the average female.
We’ve discussed mental toughness. There is also physical toughness. For me, the absolute daily work I put into my body to keep it in as a feminine a shape as is possible. Miles, hours, work, work, work. Then there is the toughness of certain discomforts, similar to those many women experience (heels, tight but cute shoes) or those necessitated by our anatomical differences.
Social media is an entirely different conversation with regard to toughness. The easy answer is to stay off of it and many do. But many of us also are active for many, many reasons. The first certainly being affirmation. Then there is that sense of being part of a community. Sure, we all have egos, are proud of how we look or a dress or an event or just proud of being us. I am on four platforms for affirmation, but more importantly, to help shine a light on that path we all take. My path different than your path, different twists and turns, a fork here, a hurdle there. This is very, very different for every single one of us. Similarities, sure. But in no way is my experience anything like yours.
Stay tough, ladies!
