This post includes some thoughts from an old post regarding “How I Explain Myself”.
When interacting with anyone, no matter the situation, I am 100% open and honest. Obviously, no one thinks I am a woman. I make no secret that I am not Kandi all the time. I make no secret that I am married to a woman, am heterosexual, have grown children. When asked what I do for a living, I tell the (painful) truth. You have to understand, I am Kandi and she is me. In my head, there is no difference. The view from behind my glasses is always the same. Your view, a different story. You can see here I only refer to Kandi in the third person to differentiate her in the context of a story, otherwise she is me and I am her.
When someone tiptoes around asking me a question, as most are very curious, I tell them to ask whatever they wish. I tell them that I cannot be offended. How can I hope to educate people if I don’t entertain questions? And if I am not honest with my answers? I answer any and all questions. I have rarely had anything asked that was borderline inappropriate and when that may have occurred, it was usually in a playful fashion.
It has been quite remarkable to me that generally, people just “get me”. They think “so what”, he’s wearing a dress and she looks pretty good doing it! I get “he” and “she” intermixed quite often, even by those closest to me. It is never done derisively, always with an ease about it. Many naturally refer to me as she, I love that! Those that refer to me as “he” do so with a complete acceptance of how I am dressed and respect me regardless. I do speak in both tone and manner, as a man (you now know this from our YouTube videos).
I am by nature a humble person, more like life has humbled me (considerably). Life is not a competition, although many view it that way. We have to love and support each other. While that may not be the way of the world, it is how I try to live my life.
I have many blessings in my life, also many challenges. My purpose in life now is to give, to support those like myself. As well as those suffering, like the cancer patients I support (more like provide any help I can). But I don’t suffer fools well. Whatever I can do to help and support, I am very happy to do so. Treat me unfairly, I will no longer tolerate you. I spent a considerable amount of time supporting an arts-related, LGBT-related charity. Their clear casualness about not appreciating their many volunteers finally reached a point where I simply will not longer give them my most precious resource (to me personally), my time. I will direct that elsewhere instead.
This was written pre-COVID. It still is true, but of course, everything is different for everyone. I guess I’ve taken my “calling” to the virtual world by trying to bring smiles with my photo shoots while scratching the itch for myself. My purpose is to simply be an example, to inspire other girls.
This has been a remarkable ride and I am looking forward to what’s next.
That’s me in a big pink bow! 🎀
Our fourth dress is yet another $5 JCPenney clearance dress!
I wrote this quite some time ago. All of it is true, but now I have continued to evolve. I know in my heart of hearts, I am a woman. I do not present myself as a crossdresser. I do not present myself as a transwoman. I present myself as a woman. What you see, what you perceive, that is on you. I have seen so many interpretations of ladies like myself. I believe we are a mix of things. I have seen those that wear pantyhose all the time. All the time? No woman does that, that is a fetish. Okay, but not who I am. I have seen those that dress to the nines to sit at home. Again, okay, but not what women do. That is again a fetish. I am simply a woman. You can argue what defines what a “woman” is, but I won’t get into that. That is me, I am her, I am him, I am me.
14 Responses
Like you I’m an open book, no question that if we can’t educate those who don’t understand then they never will and we will always be Marginalized
I too am a women but I am a trans women because how I look at it I don’t have the physical parts and such but in my way of being I’m female only about 30 percent of me is male and when I’m in male mode well I’m still wearing panties and such under and for me it serves its purpose
Rachael
Ditto. I will add that you both are often probably accepted as cisgender simply because people are not typically looking for us and because you work hard to be authentically Kandi and Rachael (as I do as Lisa). It is nice that even when we do get that “look” of recognition that it so often comes with acceptance that we are part of normal life.
Amen, sister!
No one said life was simple, did they Rach?
No they did not it’s so darn complicated but we just keep going
Candy: Your explanation of your perceived gender was quite clear and beautifully explained. You have very clearly explained just how you have evolved, which is to state that you now perceive yourself as both man and woman. Both are you.
Your statement raised a question to my understanding of your clear, concise description. The question is, do you also consider yourself to also be male and female? Or are you saying that you are just female?
Please understand that my question is not a sassy way to make a statement camouflaged as a question. My question is asked to better understand how you see yourself at a time when I am coming to understand myself. Please accept the question in that spirit.
I would have to say I am both. I love being my wife’s husband. I love my male activities and friends. But I cannot deny that most of my idle thoughts and most of how I plan my days and or weeks, is as a female. Clear as mud, right?
Thanks Kandi. Your clarification made total sense to me. Appreciate your reply to what could have seemed to many like a silly question.
Tiffs, no question, especially when trying to understand gender issues, is silly! We are all in this together and I love that you asked!!
OMG!!!! I love how you write!!! I can feel your passion and honesty!! You are beautiful inside and out!! I am so blessed to have met you!!
You go girlie!! Much ❤️
Tanya, I do believe I am the lucky one! Missed you on set this past Saturday!!
Kandi,
I really did think I could live with ” The best of both worlds ” being Teresa would be my priority but if I had to do the male thing that would be OK BUT it soon proved otherwise , I soon found I couldn’t live with dual identities . I recall very early into my transition I was doing some renovation work in my home , I needed some items from Screwfix to finish the job so popped in as the guy . The sales lady took one look and said , ” why the hell have you come looking like that ? , I much prefer the other you ” After I explained she added , ” girls are quite capable of doing those sort of jobs you know !” So I asked her if she could sell me some female work clothes and work boots . That was a huge eye opener to be told they prefer the other me , it happened a couple times more before I finally got the message .
I understand why some would want to sit at home dressed to the nines , to them it makes the most of those few precious minutes , the only time I sit around better dressed is when I’ve been out into town to do some shopping . I like to shop early so my full makeup goes on and my choice of outfits before breakfast , as soon as that’s finished I put a brush through my hair , nip to the loo and I’m off out in my car . It might be a quick shop in the supermarket or if I get distracted I could be out checking out other shops , when I return I don’t usually change unless I have chores to do ,just like most women would do .
At times I do feel guilty that I don’t support my transgender groups any more but they have themselves to blame , as I discovered when you fully transition they treat you differently , somehow you don’t belong in their world any more , they don’t know how to treat you like a woman .
Ms K,
I exist in that middle ground. I must maintain my professional male look, but my ‘male look’ is heavy female. I rarely dress to the nines, but I have to practice my makeup skills occasionally if I don’t want my skills to digress. When I get home from work I wear typical women’s wear, like the new VS/Pink leopard casual pants or leggings,….
The female part, like my male part, lives in this era, not a pass era.
BTW I haven’t worn pantyhose or stockings in over a decade
I starting to wear more jewelry in ‘male-ish’ mode.
I think of myself as more Two Spirit, both male and female.
It’s great that you have found that way to meld both. I have in some ways but still struggles with all of it. Thanks Cali!