It was a Sunday evening; I was all set to hit the hay at my early bedtime. I had just completed a wonderful weekend with my wife. She rarely gets an entire weekend off. Much of what you see me doing here are things I do mostly while she is at work. She never has an issue with whatever I am doing, but I still respect my self-imposed guardrails on trying to remain, or more accurately, get back to that balance. That balance I have been able to maintain between the two sides of me for over a decade now. That balance that is tipping in the wrong direction now. Not that the direction is “wrong”, but there are basic tenants in my life that will not change and if they do, it would bring much more harm than any good to me and those that I love. Fulltime, defined in any way you wish, cannot happen in my life as currently structured. Cannot. It’s inarguable and not up for discussion.
Because she is generally exhausted by her job, which I have discussed here, we don’t go out often together. We still do spend much time together; I cook meals that I put a great deal of thought and work into as my sort of love letter to her, but to go out is a bit of a chore (yes, I do so all the time, I know). Saturday, we attended what is a nationally known festival in our hometown, hadn’t done that in many, many years. The weather all weekend was quite literally perfection. Mid 70’s, zero humidity, bright sunshine, slight breeze. The type of day that you never feel hot or cold, you simply feel exactly right. We walked about, saw people we knew and reconnected with a few. We went home, I got the grill out and whipped up an excellent meal featuring filet mignon. Perfect!
Sunday, I walked a 5K for Melanoma, a cause championed by a pickleball friend of mine and one of the few people that knows who my alter ego is. Again, a glorious day, at Edgewater Park, where you see me on the beach. Running just isn’t something I can muster the energy for anymore. Part of that imbalance I am dealing with. My competitive juices have turned to more focus on that next outfit, that next Kandi experience. We then attended a Guardians game with my lifelong (almost quite literally) friend and his lady friend (at our age, “girlfriend” seems stupid). Another lifelong friend for whom I drive my truck and generate a significant portion of our livelihood, gave me four club suite tickets, food and beverage included. Just a blissful day, with people I love. Kandi was absent from my mind for both days and not missed.
As I waited for nightfall, I started monkeying around pulling up this streaming service or that, simply to pass a bit of time while I awaited sunset for easier sleep. I settled in on a dated ESPN 30 for 30 on Renee Richards. She is burned into my consciousness in the pre-internet days and someone I followed in any way possible back then. Knowing something wasn’t right with me and she was doing something, even then, I respected her before I even knew what respect was. After watching it spellbound, I came to the realization that for “us” (you define yourself any way you wish: crossdresser, trans, hobbyist, on and on and on) it is NEVER, EVER easy. Not only do we have the internal conflicts, but there is also always collateral damage. Always. It is not possible for there not to be any, it is only the amount of that damage that occurs based upon life circumstances and resources and frankly, how one comes out the other end. I am VERY fortunate (but not without great effort, sacrifice and work on my part) to generally be able to glide through life as an obviously transperson who is not offensive to others in any context, either visually or by my demeanor. As I witnessed at the art museum the day prior to this weekend, when the local TV celebrity told me I was beautiful, she did that for the exact reason that she knew what I was and wanted to offer her support.
One day, we will get to the place where we are not a political football, where we are treated like anyone else. When? That I don’t know, but as human beings continue to evolve, gender, race and things like that continue morphing. Society is not what it was in the 40’s, 60’s 90’s and won’t be the same as it is today. My generation will eventually be gone (with their generally more conservative views on life) and replaced by a generation who find it easier to communicate exclusively online than in real life.
Not being “yourself” is agonizing. But seeing a decision or decisions you made for personal reasons have unintended consequences elsewhere is also difficult. That was my great takeaway from Renee’s life. This is what I know. Kandi is joy, but she is also that slippery slope and I am clinging to the sides of the slide so as not to be swallowed up by her and creating ripples where I wish calm waters.
THIS IS HARD! But not facing THIS is also hard. Life is not easy, but so worthwhile.
August 4, 2025, a very simple outing. I took a Canva Basics class at the library.
Oddly, it was all women.
That’s it, that’s the entire story…
11 Responses
Kandi,
This was a wonderful read. Thank you for “spilling out” your mind.
I always appreciate your candour.
Life can be beautiful in both worlds.
Love,
Jocelyn
Amen, sister!
My late father was a contemporary of Renee Richards and knew her before her transition. They even played tennis together – long before she was a professional!
I certainly agree that THIS is hard, no matter how long one has been part of the community. The ups and downs (mostly downs right now) we face are often greater than what most are dealing with, but I think they make us stronger and more resistant to outside influences.
I’d like to minimize any collateral damage if I were to come out further, but it’s more likely that I would expect the worst. So I will stay in my narrow lane (and closet) and take advantage of the few opportunities when they arise.
Kandi, thank you for putting these thoughts into this post and making me think about myself in a new light. ❤️
Hey, you all are my unpaid therepists! Appreciate you T!
I know I will never fully understand why Rachael exist but she does and I’ve done my best to live with her.
While yes I have the freedom to express her just about anywhere anytime it’s still not and easy life. But who said it would be.
Indeed Kandi your blog has helped me in many ways
It helps me know there are others like me. Many of the same values and thoughts
I just wish I had your fashion sense lol
Hugs Rachael
I hope this place is my legacy and if so, I will have lived a worthwhile life. Thanks Rach.
Kandi,
It was so good to read you had quality time with your wife , I hope for both your sakes it will continue .
Being what we are and as you suggest with the label we feel fits it is never going to be easy , very few of us can exist in isolation , you are only Kandi because you embrace the RW , I’m Teresa because I’ve chosen to transition , the RW is stuck with me !!!
I’m sure we will remain political footballs for sometime because we are a minority , we can be kicked around without too many being harmed . My feelings are it’s easier for us in the UK and possibly Canada than it is for you in the US , the recent supreme court ruling appears to have sunk without trace here , for most the existing law was adequate .
Rennee Richards finally made the World sit up and take note , she posed questions that some had no answers for , it made them think about how transgender people could fit into society and compete on equal terms . I loved the opportunity last year to play tennis as Teresa .
I hope you don’t mind me adding a P.S.
This coming Saturday a GG friend has invited members of my painting group to her evening wedding party , again it wasn’t on my bucket list but it will be another box ticked , NOW WHAT TO WEAR ????
We always love the input Teresa!
Kandi,
I love the theme and your explication. I keep a journal, and I would guess that about every three days this theme is present in my journal somewhere. Most of my entries are about joy, but I can’t ignore how hard it can be. I was thinking about the issue this morning. When I saw a very high-quality shirt that my daughter bought for me. It is a male shirt, and she bought it for Father’s Day. Now this is the daughter who is wonderfully accepting, and also got me a necklace for Father’s Day. She also lets me interact with her baby both as myself and as her dad. What came to mind, however, is that by giving me that shirt she was reminding me that she still needs her dad. Just like my wife still needs her husband. And as hard as it is for me to have to move between two worlds when I clearly would prefer to live in only one, like you that is my reality and I embrace it. I remind myself that life is hard for many people who have much more challenging disabilities. I prefer to focus as much as I canon the wonder in the light that I experience as Lisa in the world!
Thank you for sharing and for being part of my life.
Lisa
Without you and our community here, I hesitate to think what decisions I may have made along the way.
You will read soon about an inflection point and how I handled it (or mishandled it, time will tell).
“Life is not easy, but so worthwhile”. That sums up a lot. I agree that “not being “yourself” is agonizing”. However, just like you, I have to balance between being myself, and the person that I had to develop to satisfy society. I think I’m willing to face taunts and rejection that always being myself would attract, but I don’t want to expose my wife and children, and grandchildren to that abuse from those judgemental bullies. I also believe that we will get to the place where we are treated like anyone else. Unfortunately, I don’t expect that to happen in my lifetime. Weak politicians and just plain weak people have needed scapegoats to feed their egos since long before Nero scapegoated the Christians. I will continue to be smart, appropriate, confident and visible as my little part towards getting to the place where we are treated like anyone else. Keep it up Kandi. You, and others like you, are the wind beneath my wings.