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Truly Blessed

Dear diary.....

Let’s revisit February 25, 2024 for a couple of stories. I was working at Darlafoxx (the boutique) while she sponsored a Runway Challenge in the same building. Our elusive friend Sherry was there helping with that event. I came down to allow her a potty break and as I was there a group of people came up and a lovely woman knew she knew me and I her. But neither could remember the other’s name. It ends up we are both actresses so we know each other from that community. Shelby went on to tell me that I was on set with her son for “White Noise”, a few years back. She also went on to tell me that her son told her what a kind person I was because apparently he had a seizure on set and I helped him through it. You would think something like that, on a high budget Hollywood set, someone having a seizure, I would remember. Nope! But that was an ego feeding story. Thanks Sherry for peeing.

Then the mysterious Sherry returned from her sabbatical and we were both together for a while. Someone who was chatting with me, being very nice to me, asked if Sherry and I were related. Really? We look nothing alike so I wonder why she thought that? Duh, of course we all know why…. Certainly this didn’t bother me, but was notable. Kind of why I like being the only “one” in a circumstance, it does not matter who and how many of “us” are together, we get lumped together as if we were one. When I am on my lonesome, I get viewed as a person, not as a representative of a group of people. Again, not a negative thing, just the way it is.

I also saw the Mom of one of Dar’s customer, one with whom we cried together a lot while her daughter was picking out her prom dress. Angela and I hugged a few times as her daughter was modeling for this event, having been asked to do so while selecting her prom dress. Yeah, tears by both of us again. I am such a girl…..

February 28, 2024 I had dinner with a (GG) friend. I will not go into too many details here as it was an intimate (not in THAT way) evening where two women shared everything about themselves.

I met my friend at a recent MIX! at the art museum. Like many I have met there, we engaged in a lengthy discussion and promised to get together. And as we know, that rarely happens. But this time, she followed up and we met for dinner. Three hours and it could have easily been six hours, sitting, talking, laughing, sharing, learning about each other. She is of Indian decent, so there was a lot for me to learn about that. She is also very much a deep thinker and we all know, I am far from that.

For me every day is a struggle lately. Not a struggle in the sense of despair, but a struggle to find the right path. The struggle to find purpose. The struggle to find happiness. The struggle to create income in a way that I can simply execute, not always have to figure out how to keep a decaying truck operative or how to continue finding apparel customers or to try and remember what day it is and what job I have to tend to. It’s hard enough in this world being trans, but also dealing with my past problems make the mountain seemingly too high to climb. I have been in economic survival mode for twenty years now, always finding a way, but am getting worn down by all of it. Those dog years I have discussed.

Now understand, I am not unhappy or depressed, I am grinding myself into a pulp, working every single day. But I cannot see an alternative right now. Yes, I could easily take the weekends off, passing up one of those jobs. Frankly, I make almost nothing doing it after you factor in the opportunity costs and actual expenses like mileage and gas. But I also get my soul fed there, being Kandi, being a woman, around other women, during times of great joy selecting the right dress. Please understand, I am not complaining. We have food on the table, a roof over our head, wonderful family. But this blog is essentially my diary, my journal. I spill out my feelings here. If that is not interesting to you, I understand. This is my therapy couch.

This day was a gift, this friendship a gift. I am truly blessed, just exhausted.


7 Responses

  1. Good Morning Kandi,
    It is a sunny Monday morning here in southeast Ohio. I hope the sun is shining on you up in Cleveland as well.

    I, and I am sure many others of your friends, readers, and fans!! feel your exhaustion. Really! I don’t know how you do it all; all of the varied and demanding activities that you take part in are just phenomenal, amazing.

    These days if I do one or two tasks and a workout during the day I am ready for a drink!
    I hope you will be struck with a bolt of good fortune and your work undertakings will be eased. Come on world throw some good fortune Kandi’s way!

    You are in your hard work following the path of all successful and talented people, as the famous story goes: (made famous by Arnold Palmer and Gary Player): Arnold Palmer makes a hole in one on a par 3. Fan cries out “Arnie you sure are lucky” Arnie replies “Yup, and the more I practice the luckier I get.”

    Onward for all of us!
    Best to you,
    Marissa in Ohio

    1. Marissa,

      Thank you dear for the good karma, I think it’s working (coming soon to a blog near you)!

      And as you may have read here, I am always ready for a drink….

      I know if I want something good to happen, it takes work. I can settle and let the chips fall where they may, but that ensures uncertainty for the remainder of my life, which I could do without. I know what makes me happy and if I am successful, I will be doing things that make me happy.

      You are a dear friend,

  2. Kandi,
    I was surprised to read your comment ,” It’s hard enough in this world being trans “, OK it’s possibly easier for me now I’m fulltime . Evenso your life appears to be much richer as a trans person , I appreciate you could make more money but all those friends must be fair compensation for which the male side may have never known and also no ” Kandi’s Land !”

    I know all about burn out , at times it felt like I was working eight days a week , you really do owe it to yourself to find some time for just you , it’s not selfish but more preservation , once you’ve stepped over the line digging yourself out of the blackhole is so hard .

    Now for confession time , I can no longer live with being ” lumped together ” . It took one comment from a male member of my painting group to finally cut the ties with my transgender social groups , it is all about my transition and trying to lose the male side of me . The truth is I didn’t expect the level of acceptance as Teresa, I thought I would comfortably live in the male/female transgender world but all the battles and now with a formal name change have made it clear I needed to make that decision .
    I feel I should feel guilty and apologise to you all , in reply to that I try and represent on Kandi’s land my story as a transgender female living full time .

    1. Teresa,

      I know you are not in the US, so this may mean nothing to you, but I did say it’s hard enough to be a “trans-felon”. The “felon” part of it is the real issue, all my fault, but all my reality. My life, every day, is not at all about gender identity, it’s about how I provide for my wife and I. The gender part is the easy aspect of my life. It may well be the way I make a living, so it is not any part of my struggle. We always appreciate your sharing here.


  3. Kandi,
    I know you’ve served that time but it’s more history , you really shouldn’t carry the guilt for ever , we all make mistakes , no one is perfect . You could have easliy used Kandi to hide your old identity but you bravely embraced her and integrated her into your life , truly awesome !!

    1. Thanks Teresa, but I have zero guilt. However, it shapes the reality of how I have to make a living, how I bank, even how I file my taxes. I cannot just get a “job” like most Americans, I have to create revenue streams for myself. I have been doing this now for twenty years and some years its easier than others. Been a bit rough of late. I appreciate yours and everyone’s concern. 😊

  4. Maybe this is just your diary Kandi, but I always come away feeling uplifted and better, even about myself when you share those thoughts with us. I’m so grateful you share them. It has certainly helped me to look at life differently and try to be more positive and considerate. You just often don’t know what others are going through when judging by outward appearances. The way you are always glowing and so cheerful in the pictures would lead one to believe that you had a perfect life. I did read your post a while back about being a trans-felon. That kind of experience would probably make a lot of people bitter about the injustice of it all, especially when the enforcers are some of the biggest lawbreakers themselves. But what a way to handle it and stay positive! Really, really appreciate that!

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