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I wrote this a few years back,. Some of the questions have been answered, but the essay still resonates.

Why does this feel so right, yet feels so wrong?

Why does it make me happy and anxious at the same time?

Why does it bring me such joy and then the desire to get all cleaned up?

Why can’t I just be the man I am all day? Why can’t I be the woman I am all day?

Why does the assembly of the perfect outfit thrill me?

Why does a picture well taken validate me?

Why does my mind spin when finalizing an outfit? Oh yeah, that’s the perfect necklace! Those shoes pull the whole thing together!

Why is a purse so important? Why does carrying one put the cherry on the sundae?

Why is every detail so important to me?

Why do I walk like a woman when dressed, without thought?

Why has this come relatively easily for me when that isn’t the case with many sisters?

Why is this second nature to me?

Why do I look forward to getting dressed and then look forward to a stretch without dressing?

Why does it fill my mind every time my mind is idle? [Now you may understand why I try to stay so busy, so as not to be completely consumed by all of this.]

Why do I crave societal acceptance? Why do I need people to make Kandi complete?

Why can’t I figure out what to do with all of “this”? Something great is possible and I’ll die before I figure it out.


The above are all rhetorical questions, no one knows the answers.

A personal update: I have begun to put the pieces together where Kandi can become the breadwinner that I always knew she could be! Exciting opportunities on many fronts, some of which you will see and hear about here. She has lead me down the road to what may be the best possible means of making a living for me and maybe, just maybe, allowing my dear wife to take it easy soon. As you read this, I am technically holding down three jobs and hope to meld them into my work life going forward. This is the first time in probably over 15 years that I will actually use my brain to make a living. I have also upgraded to a new computer and all the stuff that goes with setting things up and moving files from one drive to another. I love the set up, but all the automatic things I did are no longer automatic, at least for now. I expect new resources to be dedicated to the blog as well as dedicated to helping my sisters in any way that I am able. Oh yeah, movie number seven coming up (paid movie number three) and a have a marathon to run next week to hopefully get me back to Boston (Boston, you won the first one, but I’ll get you back!). Other than that, not much else to report…….


10 Responses

  1. Kandi,
    So many of us go through that sitauation , so many questions possibly remaing unanswered . for me the qusetions are no longer valid , I answered most of them when I chose to live full time . The distinction between male and female have gone , I no longer relate my life to a male point of view , the items I chose to wear are chosen as any woman would chose them . Anycreated turmoil has ebbed away , thank goodness .

  2. Kandi, here’s one from me:

    Why do you always manage to articulate so perfectly what I’m thinking?!!

    This is another one of those posts that demands multiple reads with each one yielding more insight. Most of these are questions I’ve been asking myself over the past few days and weeks and, of course, many of them have no answer. But perhaps more valuable than any answer is the knowledge that others are asking the same questions – ‘why am I the only person on planet earth that feels this way?’ would not be a good place to be!

    As I’ve often said, being this way is a right royal pain in the proverbial but perhaps that’s the price we have to pay for those times when the feelings we get are way beyond those that any ‘normal’ person could ever imagine.

    1. Amanda,
      Please believe me when I say ” normal ” is achievable , those feelings do ebb away , OK it can come at a price but we never know what that is unitil we’ve reached our final goal .

  3. Thank you both for your thoughts and comments. It’s always nice, even though I know this to be true, to know someone else feels the same way or asks the same questions.

  4. Kandi,

    Thank you for being you and for being real. Here is another question: why do I no longer have some of those questions? Is it because I am several years older than you? Hmmm. Not too many years ago I could have written your post, but now not so much (even though I still have plenty of questions, such as “why doesn’t Kandi like me more, since I am so damn nice?). For example, I no longer feel anxious about being Lisa (except concerning the impact on my wife), I no longer look forward to getting cleaned up (except it always feels good to put on my soft bed clothes and anticipate getting under the covers after a long day), and I no longer look forward to a period not dressed (the more I can be the complete me, the better). The chang in my questions demands it’s own “why” question (for which I doubt there is an answer, except perhaps that for all or nearly all of us, we are constantly changing).

    Thank you for a thoughtful post!


  5. Kandi: lots of questions to ponder but on another note good, luck in your quest for Boston. Also congrats on your new opportunities whatever they may be. I hope the future is as bright for you as you make it for others.

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