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What If?????

What is I never accepted myself?

I believe this one deserves a replay!

What if I hadn’t self-accepted in October 2014?  Where would I be now?

Some things I know for certain.  I would be about 50 pounds heavier, as the struggle would have continued and I would have eaten and drank to compensate.  I would have much more free time since Kandi and the runner would not exist.  That time would be filled with food and drink.

I would not be nearly as internally happy, that is a given.  I’d probably have grown a beard and kept the mustache to mask my inner feelings.  The snuff, which I did during the struggle and no longer even think about now, would probably have burned a hole in my lip or worse.  All of the joys outside of Kandi that I have experienced, because I was happy, would not have happened.  My church and my church friends…..nope.  All those compliments, the hugs, the love….nada.  My museum friends, would not exist.  The sheer joy in thinking about an outfit, vetting it and wearing it, being told I’m wearing a pretty dress….only a dream.  The euphoria I experience from racing, that would never happen.  I would not be as good of a husband (if in fact, I am a good husband) than I am now.

There probably would be some good that may have come of it.  More time not consumed by Kandi would have required my finding something else to get passionate about.  What would that have been?  There are things I find interesting that I simply do not have the proper time to dedicate to, some of which may have enhanced my ability to generate additional income.

We all have forks in the road, which we never know about until we look back.  Had I left that 1986 New Year’s Eve party 30 minutes sooner, I would never had met my wife, therefore would not have the wonderful daughters we have, etc…  I would not have been at that party had I called one friend instead of another to see what was going on that night.  Back in the day, with no cell phones, what if he wasn’t home when I called?

I often reflect on my blessings (while mindlessly attending to my job), thankful for that job, my family and the “other” woman that I dearly love, my Kandi!  She has changed my life in so many positive ways.


THIS is a great picture! Taken this past September at the VC Soiree in DC, yours truly and the spectacular Christy Garcia!


8 Responses

  1. Kandi, I often think that the ‘what if?’ question defines our lives although for many of us, it’s a lament for what might have been rather than a blessing for what it has given us.

    The path we tread is not an easy one and it’s all too easy for us to back ourselves into a corner. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with who & what I am and whilst your adventures are something I can only dream about, at the moment anyway, to be able to look in the mirror and see Amanda (and everything she stands for) smiling back is a gift I wouldn’t trade for the world. So for me, the answer to the question ‘what if I didn’t have all of this pesky trans baggage to carry around?’ is not ‘I’d have a much easier life’ but, probably, a life where I would probably never get to properly know myself.

    I did smile when I saw your comment about meeting Mrs Kandi on NYE. On 31/12/1990 (that’s 12/31/1990 for you trans-Atlantic types!) I turned down an invitation to go out for dinner and an invitation to go to a party, preferring instead to go to a local pub which had a disco upstairs (£5 to get in unless you were female in which case it was £1.50 – perhaps, in view of my little ‘hobby’ I should have offered £3.25 as a half way compromise) and in the early hours of 1/1/1991 (no translation necessary!) I met Mrs A. Plenty of what ifs from that evening!

    Anyway, thanks again for sharing your thought-provoking thoughts, always an inspiration to see how all of this should be done!

    1. You always make me happy when you send me any correspondence! If not for this place, we would never have gotten to know each other and for that, I am extremely grateful!

  2. Kandi, thanks for putting it into perspective! What a wonderful commentary, and so right on the mark! I realize after reading this that Paulette is my refuge from all the ‘nastiness’ that seems to exist all around us. Not that she is immune from it, but rather she has a way of coping that does not involve masculine ego or anger! She has made me a better person, husband and father and I thank her for that!

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