By Amanda J.
If you’ve read my last few posts, you’ll know that the inner woman has more or less gone AWOL. I’ve tried everything to wake her from her slumbers and whilst I have managed to rouse her for a small period of time on a couple of occasions, she’s been quite content to once more disappear after a few hours. I know that sounds quite promising but a large proportion of the time that she has emerged has been spent trying to find a way of persuading her to stay before I finally admit defeat and change back to relative normality. That’s quite a contrast to last year when I could be found in my heels on a weekly basis and sometimes several times in a week. The truth is that something inside me has changed and I’ll be darned if I can figure out what it is.
And in that quest for discovery, I decided to do something radical – purge!
I can already hear the murmurings of ‘purge? Have you lost your marbles, Mand? You’ve done that after all you’ve said about avoiding purging at all costs?’.
And the short answer is yes. But luckily, there’s a long answer too.
It’s not easy being a CDer. For starters, we have to navigate the dark art of women’s sizing. Here in the UK, women’s clothes are sized in even numbers – 8, 10, 12, 14, and so on. By trial and error, I’ve discovered that I’m a size 16. Sometimes. I have a size 14 jacket that’s huge and a size 18 dress that’s, shall we say, a snug fit. In many respects, though, that’s the easy bit. When we’re buying clothes purely for a bit of dress-up, we can accept things that are a bit oversized or where it’s impossible to do the zip up (rear zips are irrelevant when one is admiring the front view in the mirror) but style is far more critical and when we do not want to try stuff on when shopping (as most of us do) in male mode, it’s like a game of blindfold darts. Because the fact of the matter is that something that looks impossibly cute on the woman sitting opposite on the train will quite possibly look hideous on you – here speaks the voice of experience!
So suffice to say that my stash includes quite a lot that, at best, had passed its ‘use by’ date and at worst was just a poorly thought through purchase. In my case, those items were starting to mount up and as the holdall in which my stash is stored got heavier and more difficult to return to its hiding place in our roof space, I realised that action was needed. And so a purge, which you’ll be relieved to hear was only partial, has been executed.
I’ve had purges many times in the past and those were relatively easy – get rid of everything and breathe a sigh of relief that I’m finally cured of this dreadful affliction. Sometimes, that relief lasted a couple of months but usually just days, and in one case hours, before the grief set in and restocking followed in quick succession. This time was different but, in many ways harder. It’s easy to decide what to get rid of when everything is going but more of a challenge when one needs to be selective not least because I have sentimental attachment to pretty well everything. But in a rare moment of orderly thought, I managed to come up with a plan as to how I was going to shed the excess items.
1. Things I can’t wear. I have a very fond attachment to my first pair of ankle boots. They were picked up for £5 in the local supermarket sale and when I first set foot outside the house, they were part of the outfit. But if you’ve read my last post – ‘Perchance She Sleepeth’ – you’ll know that my attempt to wear them on a recent outing ended with me buying a pair of flats and changing out of them due to the height of the heel bending my ankle beyond what was comfortable. The decision that they had to go was made easier by the fact that they never looked as good on as they did when being admired on the display prior to purchase.
2. Things that I don’t wear because they do nothing for my feminine feelings. A couple of years ago, I bought a baby blue jumper. It’s a gorgeous colour and the acrylic/wool is softer than anything else I’ve ever experienced so it should have been a shoo-in to the stash. Sadly, the promise it offered prior to wearing it was not delivered when I actually put it on and that highlights a particular problem we face. Some garments, including this jumper, rely on the shape of the wearer for their style and on my frame, it just didn’t cut the mustard. We all know well the differences between female and male body shapes and whilst we can sometimes get away with it – I have a wonderful pleated midi skirt which gives the hint of feminine hips even without padding – often we can’t. So despite its promise in the shop, it’s been consigned to the get-rid-of pile.
3. Things that I don’t wear because I lack the anatomy to do them justice. One word – boobs or lack thereof! I’m quite happy with my home made breast forms held in place in a pocket bra but their shortcomings are blindingly obvious. There’s nothing quite as wonderful as looking down at a full bust when one is wearing a high necked top but as necklines get lower there comes a point where things take a quick turn for the worse. I love the idea of cowl necked jumpers and, as I started to build my stash, felt that it was an essential item to include. I’ve worn it often since but always with a sense of disappointment when the aforementioned home-made forms (rice packed into the knotted feet of an old laddered pair of tights/pantyhose if you’re interested) are in full view. The lack of care I tend to take when washing clothes probably didn’t help the jumper retain the more flattering shape I seem to remember that it had when I first bought it but whatever the truth, I want to feel uplifted, not deflated, when I unleash the inner woman so it had to go.
4. Things that didn’t live up to their promise. I’ve always found midi dresses quite alluring and was delighted to find one with long sleeves, a high neckline and hanging at mid-calf level. There was absolutely nothing wrong with that dress – it was a good fit with a tie-belt that gave the hint of a waistline, the high neckline avoided the aforementioned boobage problems and it was nondescript enough to be worn out if I ever decided to go out wearing it. But it just, for want of a better word, bored me! I could have kept it ‘just in case’ but why bother when there’ll always be something else in the stash that’ I’d gravitate to?
5. Purchases that were just plain wrong. I really like the vibe of a jumper dress with boots and after a bit of a search, I found one in our local Primark (UK cheap fast fashion chain). Now the thing is that I really wanted one that hung just above the knee and this one looked a bit long on the hanger in the shop but it was only when I got it home and tried it on did I realise exactly how long it was (very long!). To make matters worse, whilst the style I was seeking to emulate required knee high boots, I only had ankle boots and the whole ensemble just looked not only wrong but also irredeemable so, like many of its stash-mates, it had to go.
6. Things that have been superseded. Not so long ago, I bought a round-necked grey jumper with fake white collar and cuffs – it looks like it’s two garments in one – which I wore on my first proper outing into the real world when I interacted with sales assistants for the first time. Although a little baggy (a nice chunky belt resolved that), I felt feminine wearing it and had absolutely no complaints about it. But the reality is that I realised that if I was going to step out into the real world once more, there were other things I’d wear in preference and, as a result, it was unlikely to ever be worn again so was added to the jettison pile.
And so those plus a couple more items have been washed, folded and placed in a bag ready for donation to the local charity shop. I’ve done a lot of soul searching and am fairly certain that despite the fond memories I have of each item (either when buying or wearing them), I won’t miss them because most of them have also left a feeling of disappointment. But in donating them, I hope that whoever buys each item will have very different emotions about them to the ones I had when selecting them for donation and, more importantly, that the items themselves are finally able to deliver to their new owners what I hoped they would for me when I bought them.
Before I bring this post to a close, there’s another category here and that’s things on the danger list. I’m very lucky to take a UK8/EU42 shoe which means that shoes at the upper end of the female range just about fit me, ‘just about’ being the operative word. Apart from the aforementioned ankle boots, I have another couple of pairs of ankle boots which have a heel height suitable to be worn outside (and have been several times) but which start to make their presence felt if I’m in them for too long. Both pairs are gorgeous but I’ve removed them from the stash and put them in a pending bag to avoid doing anything hasty and then regretting it. Maybe they’ll come back to the fold, maybe they’ll go but it’s a decision for another time, not now.
So where does that leave things? In short, it leaves a slimmed down stash containing items that can fulfil my needs when I want to look glamourous and items that would not look out of place in any town centre full of shoppers. It also leaves me with the sense that I have got a grip of something that sometimes felt like it was spiralling out of control. What I have left – three dresses, two skirts, one pair of trousers, one top, one jacket, one coat and three pairs of shoes (not including the two pairs of boots on the danger list) – still gives plenty of scope for both recreational CDing & outings with a little bit of room for one or two additional items if I see something I like.
The burning question, of course, is was that exercise sufficient to bring ‘Amanda’ back or does she still, as I described in my last post, sleepeth? For the answer to that, you’ll have to wait until my next post!
20 Responses
I enjoyed reading this having imagined that the title referred to giving up. Such a relief.
It’s interesting to hear that you have perhaps a relatively small selection of clothes yet present so well.
I relate to the photo attached to the article. That’s me at the beginning of a dress up session! I often find myself overwhelmed with the choices.
I have become a little more open with my partner on buying habits and consequently the collection is now two big suitcases, two holdalls and maybe ten outfits in suit hangers.
Wife says I should get rid of some of it.
I bought my first bits of lingerie mail order almost 40 years ago and luckily I still have the cami vest that I can get into.
I have edited the collection over the years. Some items with regrets, they worked for my body shape.
Many like Amanda says, don’t work. when I had less stuff those bits that didn’t work, at least helped that delightful lucky dip pile look so good.
Thank you for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts, Sandra, and thank you in particular for the compliment!
I keep my stash limited for three reasons – practicality (given that despite my wife’s blessing it needs to be kept out of sight so it needs to be manageable from a physical point of view), respect for my wife who, one day, may well have to deal with it and cost.
But what I’ve found is that having the right items available means that I have the flexibility to go out and about when I want to and be dressed appropriately. When I have ventured out, there’s no better feeling than the realisation that no one notices anything out of the ordinary.
Amanda,
It is wonderful to hear from you again. The title of this post didn’t scare me. I knew it was not the “cure” type of purge. You are too smart to think a purge is the solution. Albeit you and I have both tried it in the distant past.
I have thinned the stash many times. It is very hard. Sentimentality is my problem. Each article of clothing reminds me of the outing when I wore it. Good or bad, the fact that I was out is always special.
But reality is, I am very cheap. Having paid for something makes me wince if I soon have to get rid of it.
Ladies always want to be fashionable and not be caught wearing the same things twice. But I will wear the same clothes over and over. One, because I love the way they make me feel and look, and two because I am overly frugal.
Except shoes. I find getting a pair that doesn’t hurt is very hard to find. I eagerly throw away any offending shoes quite happily; good riddance.
Thanks for writing. I always love reading your thoughts and learning more about you. Keep being beautiful.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you as always for your support.
You’re right about it being hard but as I went through the ‘offending’ items, I realised that I have moved on in many cases – either realising that feelings of femininity soon evaporate if heels are too high to walk in or rather than hide the effects of testosterone, the outfit choice just draws attention to them.
I guess the big question when deciding to buy something is would ‘Amanda’ wear it? For obvious reasons, I have a pretty good idea of the things she likes but still have less of an idea of what looks good on ‘her’. Some purchases will inevitably be aspirational, bought in the hope that something akin to divine intervention will provide a real-world opportunity to wear them, but I also want things that I can put on and feel good enough to face the world (and feel good enough that I don’t mind the world seeing me). A lot of memories went with the clothes that have gone, not least as, in several cases, they were worn as I took my fledgling steps in the outside world, but as I’ve allowed this side of myself to grow, I realised that their time had gone – in particular, they were doing nothing to reignite the fire within the inner woman.
The issue of shoes is perhaps where we diverge, though – most of mine are uncomfortable but parting company from a pair of stilettos really is a step too far!
Hi Amanda:
Actually, I would not consider what you are describing here as a purging at all. In my relatively short period of time as an active CD I have done this several times. I like to think or it as more of a “pruning”. It’s a necessary part of gardening.Like in gardening, branches that have died off might be excised with the end result being the overall health and beauty of the plant. The items you have eliminated may in turn be replaced with newer, better things. If you “prune” judiciously you can sometimes find that just the addition of a single element – a belt, piece pf jewelry etc. – can bring an outfit to life. All part of the fun – and I think most GGs will tell you that!
Best,
Kris
That’s a good point, Kris, although perhaps ‘Time For A Prune’ could be miscontrued as being about my ageing skin complexion or, even worse, an indication of digestive problems!
You’re right though. We do need to keep things fresh and, as I said, pretty well everything that went just felt stale and was no longer delivering what I’d hoped for when the things were bought, if they ever did in the first place.
Amanda,
You must do what you think is best , it doesn’t matter what we think because we’re biased . I am biting my tongue over the comment ” affliction !” because I’m really in a reverse situation , the male part is considered an affliction .
Your purge makes sense , you have been realistic , you know how you feel about Amanda and the likely times she might surface , also being realistic you know she will so you’ll still be ready for her .
As for boobs well many laugh at mine but they work for me , I place a balloon inside another and use a small hand pump to inject 8ozs of water into the inner one , I then carefully tie the neck of the inner one and with some effort inflate the outer one to allow the the inner one to settle inside , I then release the pressure and tie off the outer one . The weight and feel of the double skin is very convincing , I then place the form in the base of my bra which lifts the real part of me , I now wear a 38c Tshirt bra so when you look down all you see is me and not the form , I have worn a strapless dress and it works well . The forms will last well over a year in fact when I do renew them they are still difficult to puncture , I’ve never had a failure yet even now I wear a bra everyday . Also you can get balloons that match bra colours so black is wonderful in a black bra . I have tried expensive silicon forms and hated them , I found them too hot and sticky .
Dress sizing is a nightmare for most of us , at the end of the day there is no subsitute but trying on , I agree in male mode just stopped working for me , which is thankfully in the past . Obviously 90% of my clothes shopping is for everyday , so it’s more about being practical , I hate flat shoes so compromise with wedges , like you I’m lucky a UK size 8 usually fits and my dress size is now about 14 but some manufactures are still playing games with sizing to please the woman who is normally a size 16 but easily slipped into a 12 because that’s what the label said !!
I have to seriously got to purge but as I mentioned in reverse , my spare bedroom has a wardrobe and chest of drawers full of male clothes , the last time I wore a shirt and trousers was over a year ago , I have to do the same this year so I can catch up with my grandsons so I don’t really need the quantity I have stored .
Amanda would be a loss here , having a few Brits brings a balance to Kandi’s Land .
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts, particularly your tips for breast forms!
You highlight an important message which is that we have to be ourselves. For me, forcing the feminine side when I’m not ‘feeling it’ is little different to having to suppress it when the need is there. I’m finally beginning to understand who I really am – not ‘him’ or ‘her’, just ‘me’. Of course, there are going to be constraints in life but I’ve come to realise that they’re to be accepted, not feared which was once the case. I can’t envisage life without ‘her’ – she has been pushed to one side for far too long, both through guilt and from the feeling that I’d not really found the person I was looking for – but, when the time is right, it feels so natural to present through her persona and that’s something that I never want to lose, even when either my own emotions or circumstances around me, prevent her from seeing the light of day.
Amanda,
Very interesting thought , ” not him or her , just me ” and raises the question does the gender question dictate who we really are ? I know I will have to force myself to be grandpa to see my grandsons at Xmas , not being seen in male mode by my neighbours , luckily I will meet them twenty miles away and have breakfast with them . This is arranged through my ex-wife which adds to the problem , every year I tell myself it will be different next year , OK the obvious answer is purge all my male clothes .
I do get upset when people talk about the feelings of guilt and shame , with the discovery of being transgender my counsellor stessed the fact that we shouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty over something we have no control over , full acceptance has to happen . In truth we were always the same person when we married , often we aren’t aware of the facts , besides we often make better husbands or partners because we have a deeper caring side .
Guilt and shame are, perhaps, uneasy bedfellows as far as our interests are concerned. Shame is probably easier to overcome; in my case it came when I realised that the fact that, as a teenager, I experienced a sexual response did not mean that my motives for crossing the gender divide were sexual. I have experienced shame since, mostly because of the hurt I caused Mrs A, but again that has passed.
Guilt is a more thorny issue. I have never felt guilt about who I am but have experienced guilt regarding experimenting with my mother’s clothes behind her back, not disclosing to Mrs A sooner, breaking the promise to stop that I made to her and operating outside the spirit of our DADT arrangement if not the letter of it. In the end, though, I viewed guilt as part of the compromise I decided was in the best interests of both myself and our marriage. It helped me keep both feet on the ground when things were at risk of spiralling out of control.
Life will always be a struggle; for me it’s rooted in the fact that, on the one hand, I’d unhesitatingly take the pill to put this strange ‘affliction’ behind me whilst on the other loving the sensations and feelings that it brings. As you suggest, I do believe that it has made me a better husband; whilst some of that is down to firstly having a compassionate nature and secondly having a release mechanism, there is an element of guilt driven compensation – something along the lines of ‘I know you disapprove but in return for a small amount of she-time, I’m going to be the best husband possible for the rest.
Amanda,
You are not purging; you are only culling the herd. We all accumulate items that we think we want when we see them, but just don’t work out for us in real life. Before Halloween, I looked through my wardrobe trying to find outfits I might wear. Found items that haven’t seen the light of day in at least 4 years. The Victoria’s Secret dress pants I got over a decade ago, that were a little too tight to zip up then fit perfectly now. The skirts, also long hidden, fit much better, too. But there are items that just didn’t fit (too short) or look horrible on me. I now have a resale bag that’s growing.
I have an 8 ft by 12 ft walk in closet and it is overflowing. I have male pants that are size 36 and 38 that MUST go. I’m now 30-31 or women’s US size 10 (UK 8), plus almost all my pants are now women’s. Got to make room for those dresses.
Fun that you mentioned a cowl neck jumper. I got a cowl neck sweater (jumper) dress last month, it’s not form fitting (like others) but I am wearing it like a very long jumper today. It adds warmth to my back.
Amanda, you be you. So, your feminine self is on vacation, she’ll come back, tanned and relaxed. You know she will, just don’t push her.
Cali
PS Shoes. I had about 10 pairs fail over the pass years, many do to old age or over use. Most where 10 years old wedged sandal. Spend the money and get shoes that don’t hurt, get high heel shoe strechers. “Life’s too short for heels that hurt.”
Cali, thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts and also for suggesting another alternative way of looking at my recent activities!
Looking back, what I’ve just done really was a major cull but much needed. It’s very easy to get carried away, not least as in some respects I feel that I’m making up for lost time, but part of my problem was a loss of perspective which I have now recovered, at least to some extent. While some of the items were worn in public, pretty well all of them were, for want of a better word, bought to satisfy a fantasy – just because a particular style looks good on a model or mannequin does not mean that it’ll look good on everyone, in particular those like me with a more masculine body shape. In the end, the reality was that given the limitations placed on this side of my life, it was highly unlikely that any of the items would ever have been worn again.
And without giving too much away about my next post, I’ve become a big fan of jumper dresses myself – they seem to fit in the ‘sweet spot’ in which they work equally well as casual and more formal outfits.
As for the shoes, not sure that my ‘budget’ collection would survive a session with a shoe stretcher so, sadly, I will adopt the alternative mantra of ‘we have to suffer for our art’!
Amanda,
I am a shoe whore; I had close to 90 at one time. But it’s getting hard to find the heigth I need and the glue they use dries out at 7 or 8 years, so I’m down to about 70. I just ordered two dresses at 70% off, one a jumper dress. (Maybe it will show up one day here on KL.) Why did I buy dresses, who knows, but the female side of Cali is very strong in the force now. Hopeful they will see the light of day.
Cali
a few random thoughts–part of the problem many of us face is mental anchors–if you have to hide your stuff that means an additional obstacle to going out that will deter you.then if you’re not confident in your clothes the thought of going out is tainted.and most of all is how strong is your “condition”. If you’re condition is not like the song “someones knocking on the door,someones ringing the bell” it is much easier to put off CD’ing. And if you are married that can be a huge obstacle to going out if she is not on board.
A few pieces of good news—at least in the USA more and more people are dressing like slobs. So that outfit that just doesn’t fit right is probably classier than most women you encounter.and good news/bad news-the older you get fewer people check you out so that should concern you less as you age
Emily, that’s a good point about mental anchors. A while ago, I temporarily stored a bag with some of my things in a room that Mrs A never goes in and I found myself availing myself of the contents pretty well every day. Given my particular situation, it helps if the bag is ‘out of sight, out of mind’ but equally, it’s always a comfort to know that it’s ready and waiting in times of need.
Interesting observation about the decline in clothing standards and the situation is mirrored here in the UK (although in some parts, people have dressed like slobs since the dawn of time!). In some respects, that’s a benefit for us as it lowers the ‘passing’ bar, so to speak, but it does mean that we’re more likely to be noticed if we want to go for the more traditional skirt and heels look. What I did find, though, is that going out dressed to blend in rather than stand out felt incredibly empowering, particularly when the realisation that no one seems to be paying any attention hits.
Emily/Amanda,
When I first made the decision to attend my painting group I played safe by wearing neat trousers . ( Bonmarche , Sara range are a great women’s trouser/jeans , black ones are so easy to dress up or down ) I finally bit the bullet and wore a denim skirt ( as in my avatar picture taken at my pianting group ) and guess what ? No one noticed ! Eveb now I’m often the only one wearing a skirt .
I choose to ignore clothing standards , perhaps sometimes I’m slightly over dressed but people do notice , I’ve had the comment more than once that I dress with some style , it’s far nicer to receive that comment than being called a slob !
RE: overdressing–without dating myself–in the dark ages I read a book by John Malloy-“Dress for Success” and he included a lot of experiments etc. that the classiest dresser gets the job,gets ahead,gets the spouse etc. Maybe he was wrong but I just could not get it out of my head and always followed his thoughts-M orF
1 example-you go in to a bank and they are having casual Friday. Would you really want to entrust your $ to someone who looked like a slob?
PS-when your dress up-FEELS GOOD!
I completely agree and find it sad that in this day and age people increasingly don’t make an effort (and, in my male life, I’m ashamed to admit that I’m a shining example of that). The great thing about feminine clothes is their flexibility and how they build confidence when the right outfit is chosen for the occasion or surroundings.
Amanda, I was about to say you did a cull rather than purge, then I read your comments and you used the same term. I think all females cull at times–I know my wife does. I tend to have more outfits that I can’t wear out (mainly due to no opportunity) than I can. I love nice dresses etc, but I only get 2-3 times a year to wear them outside. I have been trying to be more practical and buy some dual wear items. Casual enough to shop but not to drabby. BTW not sure what your homemade forms are but I use rice in a knee high stocking. Works really well and if you have a little extra fat in the boob area you can create some cleavage.
Donna, thanks for the feedback – I have to confess that ‘purge’ was designed to be a bit ‘click-baity’ although perhaps I can justify the term in the context of purging the old guard, so to speak.
My homemade forms are similar to yours – rice inside the knotted feet of an old pair of tights (with each carefully weighed during the manufacturing process to give me a fighting chance of looking symmetrical!).