By Amanda Johnson
Some time ago, my dear friend Jocelyn wrote a post here entitled ‘What Is It About Legs?’ which became the most read post on Kandi’s Land. I love a bit of gentle competition and started to think about how I could write a post that was read even more times than ‘Legs’. Now, I have a bit of a thing about stiletto shoes so ‘What Is It About Shoes?’ was the first thing that sprung to mind; sadly, Jocelyn had already beaten me to that one. The next thought to cross my mind was boobs – that should be a sure fire ‘bestseller’ but, let’s face it, despite being a source of fascination for all of us, it’s very easy to get into some very murky depths very quickly when talking about that particular part of the female anatomy. And let’s be honest here, with me somehow having slipped through Kandi’s normally exacting vetting process for contributors, I wouldn’t want to further push my luck so a post about boobs is almost certainly a no-no. Nails? Nope, that’s been done by Maddie and Cali.
And then it hit me. Or, to be more precise as you’re about to find out, it flew away from me. Earrings!
Of course ‘legs’, ‘shoes’, ‘nails’ and, if it had ever seen the light of day, ‘boobs’ all cover the deliciously feminising aspects of their subject matter and, on the face of it, earrings are no different – there’s something quite special about the gentle tug of earrings on lobes and the way that they dangle & gently tap the side of the face as we move. But, of course, 21st century earrings tend to be a unisex affair and there’s not a huge amount more that one can say about the joys of them from a purely feminine perspective. So I’m going to have to slightly rename this post to:
What Is It About Earrings… That Makes Them So Hard To Find When You Lose Them?
Picture the scene – I’m all dressed & made up with a full complement of jewellery and decide to change outfits. I’m wearing a skirt and a black roll neck jumper which I remove over my head and replace with a dress which also needs to go over my head. I check out my reflection in the mirror and decide that I prefer a different dress so take off the dress I’m wearing and put on my favourite red dress and make my way back to the mirror.
Looking good except for one thing – I’m now 50% down in the earring department!
No matter, it’s bound to be on the floor where I got changed so glasses on and check the floor – nothing! Now, I shouldn’t really have been worried; I have a DADT arrangement with Mrs A so, if she finds it before I do, the conversation will go something like:
‘I think this is yours’
‘Errr yes, I wondered where that had gone’
Followed by Mrs A rolling her eyes and shaking her head in despair before carrying on with whatever she was doing when she found it (if I’m lucky, that is. The possibility of Mrs A flying into a rage and ranting that she never said anything about wearing earrings when she gave her blessing can’t be discounted). So hopefully nothing to worry about but it’s still a slightly awkward conversation that I’d rather not have so the search continues.
If it’s not on the floor, it has to be tangled up in the wig, then. A forensic examination of the wig follows but nothing.
What’s really bizarre about all of this is that normally, when I set the inner woman free, I go all over the house so retracing steps is nigh on impossible. This time, my movements between the last sighting of the earring were minimal – just my bedroom where I got changed and my daughter’s where the full height mirror is.
Time to take a step back. If it’s not on the floor, not tangled up in the wig and not caught on the other clothes I’m wearing (which it isn’t), where else could it be? Caught up in the other clothes on my bed or my daughter’s bed by the mirror, fallen into one of the bags I keep my stash in, caught up in bedclothes or fallen through the bed frame and be either on the floor or on one of the storage boxes under the bed. Nope, none of those; and this is very much a summary of the search – by now it has lasted two hours and I’m no further forward. So the stash is packed away, returned to its hiding place in the attic and I ponder where on earth the earring has gone.
In the ensuing days, it dominates my thoughts. I’m driven by three imperatives to find it; firstly it’s half of the only pair of earrings I currently possess, secondly I love the design and finally earrings don’t just vanish, particularly ones with several interlinked disks and rings over 1cm in diameter. However, there is one attribute that may help in locating it – it’s made of metal. Amazon, of course, sells pretty well anything you could ever need including metal detectors and luckily, I find a handheld jobby of the type used to check you over in airports for around £20. A quick backstory is concocted in case Mrs A wonders why I’ve bought a metal detector – I’m going to use it to find nails in my car tyres which regularly do a great impression of a pincushion – and thanks to Amazon Prime, the following day I’m the proud owner of said metal detector. For £20 it’s not exactly state of the art but testing it on my one remaining earring proves it’s up to the task in hand so with eager anticipation, the stash is retrieved and the detector wafted over everything in the stash plus all of the bedclothes and the spaces under the beds. It was then that two problems came to light.
The first is that the metal detector completely failed to find the earring. The second was that because of the proximity of the metal wheel and the high steel content of car tyres, it was completely useless for tracing embedded nails too and its confirmatory beep that it had found metal was almost continuous.
So I am now £20 down, own a metal detector with no useful purpose and still don’t know where the earring is.
Luckily, several days later, I receive the answer I’m waiting for.
In all honesty, I’m not quite sure what makes me look on the top of a couple of storage bags wedged between a tall chest of drawers and the wall but there is my beloved earring, patiently waiting to be found. Mystery solved! Well, sort of because whilst I now know where it is, I still have no idea how it ended up 5 feet away from where I was standing and about 30 inches off the ground. I have insufficient recollection of school physics to calculate the speed and angle which it left my ear to describe that particular trajectory, particularly as it was not designed to be aerodynamic but a memories of playing ‘Angry Birds’ on my smartphone suggests fast and steep. Overall, though, I guess that I should just be grateful that it’s back with its partner and that I can now live this side of my life looking like the demure woman I aspire to be rather than a pirate.
There are many morals to this story. The first is getting my ears pierced would probably have avoided all of this (but, it has to be said, brought challenges with Mrs A that would make the lost earring pale into insignificance in comparison). The second is that as I’d already undertaken a forensic search of everything, shelling out £20 on a metal detector was never going to give a different outcome. The third is that taking clip-on earrings off before changing out of clothes that go over the head is probably a good idea – they’re far easier to put back on than they are to find if they go missing. And finally, the assumption that if something doesn’t look aerodynamic, it isn’t is probably flawed.
And so the book is closed. My beloved earrings are once again a pair and I have not had to have the awkward conversation I feared if Mrs A had found it before I did. And that just leaves one dilemma for now. What do I write about for my next post? Perhaps the saga of the lost false eyelash which resulted in me having to do four loads of washing before it finally turned up as a soggy mangled mess caught up in a sheet?