By Amanda Johnson
Some time ago, my dear friend Jocelyn wrote a post here entitled ‘What Is It About Legs?’ which became the most read post on Kandi’s Land. I love a bit of gentle competition and started to think about how I could write a post that was read even more times than ‘Legs’. Now, I have a bit of a thing about stiletto shoes so ‘What Is It About Shoes?’ was the first thing that sprung to mind; sadly, Jocelyn had already beaten me to that one. The next thought to cross my mind was boobs – that should be a sure fire ‘bestseller’ but, let’s face it, despite being a source of fascination for all of us, it’s very easy to get into some very murky depths very quickly when talking about that particular part of the female anatomy. And let’s be honest here, with me somehow having slipped through Kandi’s normally exacting vetting process for contributors, I wouldn’t want to further push my luck so a post about boobs is almost certainly a no-no. Nails? Nope, that’s been done by Maddie and Cali.
And then it hit me. Or, to be more precise as you’re about to find out, it flew away from me. Earrings!
Of course ‘legs’, ‘shoes’, ‘nails’ and, if it had ever seen the light of day, ‘boobs’ all cover the deliciously feminising aspects of their subject matter and, on the face of it, earrings are no different – there’s something quite special about the gentle tug of earrings on lobes and the way that they dangle & gently tap the side of the face as we move. But, of course, 21st century earrings tend to be a unisex affair and there’s not a huge amount more that one can say about the joys of them from a purely feminine perspective. So I’m going to have to slightly rename this post to:
What Is It About Earrings… That Makes Them So Hard To Find When You Lose Them?
Picture the scene – I’m all dressed & made up with a full complement of jewellery and decide to change outfits. I’m wearing a skirt and a black roll neck jumper which I remove over my head and replace with a dress which also needs to go over my head. I check out my reflection in the mirror and decide that I prefer a different dress so take off the dress I’m wearing and put on my favourite red dress and make my way back to the mirror.
Looking good except for one thing – I’m now 50% down in the earring department!
No matter, it’s bound to be on the floor where I got changed so glasses on and check the floor – nothing! Now, I shouldn’t really have been worried; I have a DADT arrangement with Mrs A so, if she finds it before I do, the conversation will go something like:
‘I think this is yours’
‘Errr yes, I wondered where that had gone’
Followed by Mrs A rolling her eyes and shaking her head in despair before carrying on with whatever she was doing when she found it (if I’m lucky, that is. The possibility of Mrs A flying into a rage and ranting that she never said anything about wearing earrings when she gave her blessing can’t be discounted). So hopefully nothing to worry about but it’s still a slightly awkward conversation that I’d rather not have so the search continues.
If it’s not on the floor, it has to be tangled up in the wig, then. A forensic examination of the wig follows but nothing.
What’s really bizarre about all of this is that normally, when I set the inner woman free, I go all over the house so retracing steps is nigh on impossible. This time, my movements between the last sighting of the earring were minimal – just my bedroom where I got changed and my daughter’s where the full height mirror is.
Time to take a step back. If it’s not on the floor, not tangled up in the wig and not caught on the other clothes I’m wearing (which it isn’t), where else could it be? Caught up in the other clothes on my bed or my daughter’s bed by the mirror, fallen into one of the bags I keep my stash in, caught up in bedclothes or fallen through the bed frame and be either on the floor or on one of the storage boxes under the bed. Nope, none of those; and this is very much a summary of the search – by now it has lasted two hours and I’m no further forward. So the stash is packed away, returned to its hiding place in the attic and I ponder where on earth the earring has gone.
In the ensuing days, it dominates my thoughts. I’m driven by three imperatives to find it; firstly it’s half of the only pair of earrings I currently possess, secondly I love the design and finally earrings don’t just vanish, particularly ones with several interlinked disks and rings over 1cm in diameter. However, there is one attribute that may help in locating it – it’s made of metal. Amazon, of course, sells pretty well anything you could ever need including metal detectors and luckily, I find a handheld jobby of the type used to check you over in airports for around £20. A quick backstory is concocted in case Mrs A wonders why I’ve bought a metal detector – I’m going to use it to find nails in my car tyres which regularly do a great impression of a pincushion – and thanks to Amazon Prime, the following day I’m the proud owner of said metal detector. For £20 it’s not exactly state of the art but testing it on my one remaining earring proves it’s up to the task in hand so with eager anticipation, the stash is retrieved and the detector wafted over everything in the stash plus all of the bedclothes and the spaces under the beds. It was then that two problems came to light.
The first is that the metal detector completely failed to find the earring. The second was that because of the proximity of the metal wheel and the high steel content of car tyres, it was completely useless for tracing embedded nails too and its confirmatory beep that it had found metal was almost continuous.
So I am now £20 down, own a metal detector with no useful purpose and still don’t know where the earring is.
Luckily, several days later, I receive the answer I’m waiting for.
In all honesty, I’m not quite sure what makes me look on the top of a couple of storage bags wedged between a tall chest of drawers and the wall but there is my beloved earring, patiently waiting to be found. Mystery solved! Well, sort of because whilst I now know where it is, I still have no idea how it ended up 5 feet away from where I was standing and about 30 inches off the ground. I have insufficient recollection of school physics to calculate the speed and angle which it left my ear to describe that particular trajectory, particularly as it was not designed to be aerodynamic but a memories of playing ‘Angry Birds’ on my smartphone suggests fast and steep. Overall, though, I guess that I should just be grateful that it’s back with its partner and that I can now live this side of my life looking like the demure woman I aspire to be rather than a pirate.
There are many morals to this story. The first is getting my ears pierced would probably have avoided all of this (but, it has to be said, brought challenges with Mrs A that would make the lost earring pale into insignificance in comparison). The second is that as I’d already undertaken a forensic search of everything, shelling out £20 on a metal detector was never going to give a different outcome. The third is that taking clip-on earrings off before changing out of clothes that go over the head is probably a good idea – they’re far easier to put back on than they are to find if they go missing. And finally, the assumption that if something doesn’t look aerodynamic, it isn’t is probably flawed.
And so the book is closed. My beloved earrings are once again a pair and I have not had to have the awkward conversation I feared if Mrs A had found it before I did. And that just leaves one dilemma for now. What do I write about for my next post? Perhaps the saga of the lost false eyelash which resulted in me having to do four loads of washing before it finally turned up as a soggy mangled mess caught up in a sheet?
Well, well, well! Trying to top the “Queen” for most read posts? Good luck! Good try! lol.
I too love wearing earrings. I only have one pair of clip-on. I put them on last, just before I head out. And they are the first things to come off when I return home. Then right back into my purse’s inside zippered pocket.
I have never lost one (fingers crossed).
I do love this topic. Even though my earrings are smallish, and my hair hangs long over them, there are times when I move my head a certain way that anyone looking at me can see my earrings. It gives the onlooker another reason to believe they are looking at a woman. Albeit these days I think as many men wear earrings as women.
Earrings, like shoes, nail polish, blush and jewelry are a nice touch to complete a woman’s “look”.
Thanks for the interesting post dear friend. I’m sure many readers will comment on their own earrings.
Jocelyn, thanks! The big problem with clip ons is that they can leave a telltale mark which, sans wig, is there for all to see! I found out that one the hard way and then had the agonising wait to see if the marks disappeared by the time Mrs A got home. Luckily they had.
Interesting postscript on my projectile earring. I may sound sensible pontificating about the lessons learned from this particular episode but, apparently whilst great in theory, those lessons had not been learned in practice. So when, on a subsequent dressing session, I removed the same top without taking off my earrings first, it was inevitable that history would repeat itself. The bang as it hit a cardboard box on a high shelf left no doubt as to the velocity with which it had parted company from my ear. Fortunately, being far more knowledgeable about trajectories etc. this time round, I managed to find it quickly and without needing to resort to Amazon for more forensic aids.
I hope you have learned your lesson: “remove earrings then take off tight sweater”.
From personal experience I know Kandi wears a wide variety of gorgeous earrings. I wonder if she loses any? Kandi, are your ears pierced?
Ladies, my ears are not pierced but I know how to wear an earing such that it looks like they are. I’ve been at this so long, I know every trick of the trade!
Superglue, Kandi? Given what it does to my fingers, it’s starting to look like a strangely attractive proposition for keeping my earrings under control.
I either wear lever back hooks backward. With hoops, if they have a hammer back, I cut down the part that goes through the ear, cover it with those small plastic pieces you get when you buy pierced earrings and wear the that way. Either looks like my ears are pieced. I do wear the occasional clip-on, but those tend to be the most painful over time.
Jocelyn, sadly I am beyond redemption, I think!
I guess I should be thankful that they’re reasonably large – any smaller and I’d probably still be looking.
Hi Amanda, welcome back to the contributors side of Kandi’s Land. I know you’ve posted one other at least. And this girl is so happy to have you and your posts back on line. My world is once again complete. I told Kandi I was going to post about our “girls weekend in Kelowna “ and I still am but it has been delayed due to some unforeseen circumstances. I’ll fill you in on that later. But right now I’m just happy you’re back girl. Oh and believe it or not I’ve never lost an earring. My ears are pierced so maybe that’s why it on the other hand maybe us blondes aren’t as dumb as we’re made out to be 😊. Take care girl and talk to you soon.
Trish, thanks for your kind words! There’s definitely a growing body of evidence that pierced ears are the way to go although sadly I may not live to tell the tale once Mrs A got wind of what I’ve done – being summarily executed would resolve a number of problems although, of course, it would make my triumphant return to the contributors’ list short lived.
Clip ons it’ll have to be!
I do sympathise with you I’ve been there and experienced this problem on more than one occasion . I also admit I’ve never got round to having my ears pierced but mangage fine most of the time with clippons . BUT !! First story . I was visiting my daughter’s mother in law , we have a great relationship , while we sat chatting in her home her friend called to see her . We chatted for a while then I stood to leave and as I did so her friend stood up give me a hug , in the process she caught my earring which fell off . We searched for a few moments on the floor then she said Oh ! I think I’ve found it , you guessed it the earring had fallen down her cleavage . After a few moments she retrieved it and I clipped a nice warm one back on .
The second story is short and slightly annoying because I’d just bought a new pair and wore them to a pub meal with friends , it wasn’t until after the event and I arrived home that I realised one was missing . I searched in vain in the car but didn’t find it so I can only assume it was lost in the pub .
I’m considering wearing the oddities just to see if anyone notices , maybe it might start a new fashion trend .
Thanks for the story .
Teresa, I believe that wearing odd earrings is a bit ‘edgy’ in fashion circles – you may inadvertenly become an icon!
And thanks for the first anecdote – useful material if my ‘boobs’ post ever sees the light of day!
Earrings. I too love earrings. I have a few clip-ons, but it very hard to find clip-ons around here. I have even (unsuccessfully) tried to pierce them myself.
I plan to one day (soon) to get my ears pierced. Maybe even more than one piercing per ear. I want dandling earrings that touch my shoulders when I move, big and multiple hoops. But I will wait for my opportunity to get my ears pierced.
However, pierced ear earrings are not immune to disappearing when changing clothes.
In the UK most charity shops have a bin full of jewellery items often with a selection of clippon earrings , I bought most of mine form various bins . The same applies to watches , I have a lovely selection of watches , one charity shop had them all marked up at £1.00 , OK it cost more to have a new battery fitted but I’m not complaining .
Cali, everyone I’ve ever exchanged views about earrings with is adamant that pierced ears is the way to go. There is a slight caveat here that if the result is certain death (as it would be in my case when Mrs A saw them), piercings are probably best avoided.
Otherwise, I say go for it!!
The only thing that is stopping me, other than myself, is my mother. She’s over 100 and the sight of me with pierced ears might not go over well. She noticed my manicure with color (pink albalone gel) last time I saw her. But the siren of the feel of dandling earrings on my shoulders of getting louder and louder.
Cali, when my mother was alive, I got the impression that she had never really progressed beyond the image she had of me as a ‘babe in arms’ and it was quite apparent that much of the path in life that I decided to tread was somewhat divergent from what she had hoped for. Heaven knows what she’d have thought if she knew about the far more refined alter ego that frequents Kandi’s Land but I have a reasonable idea and let’s just say she may not have embraced ‘her’ with open arms and enthusiasm!
Ironically, she was also a user of clip on earrings having never had her ears pierced but from what I remember, she was a lot more careful than I am when getting changed!
Awesome piece of prose Amanda! And no disrespect to any other writing here, but the best since, and an undoubted challenger for, Legs as the current holder of top position.
But thinking about it, there had to be a solution to your dilemma, so me and my mate Goog did some research and came up with the answer –
The equation for the distance travelled by a projectile being affected by gravity is –
However we can get the exact positioning of the earring far more accurately that that. So, take the result above then –
Multiply by (A divided by T), take that result then multiply by (TR), then divide by (PL).
Where A = Alcohol consumed, T = Time, TR = Time Remaining before someone gets home and PL = Panic Level.
The result should be somewhere close to WTFKWII.
Where the first W = Who, the K = Knows and the second W = Where.
The rest you can figure out…
And if none of that works I recommend attaching one of those suitcase-tracking tags to each earring …
Maddie, I think you and prof Goog have achieved a real breakthrough here. However, I do feel compelled to peer review your theorem and may have found a small error. The good news is that it’s easily fixable – you multiply by (A divided by T) but, in fact it should be (T divided by A). I am teetotal so A=0 and so the division by zero gets us bang onto the WTFKWII solution explaining, in the process, why it took me so long to find it.
And I’m very much liking the suitcase tags idea – could be the start of a new fashion trend!
Damn it, you mean all those years of catholic education and teachers with canes and all that stuff, and being top of the class in math, and now my incredible formula is shot down all because you want a 1 where the rum is?
That’s it (throwing hands in the air) I give up. I’m off. I need a drink…
Actually I’m going to bed since it isn’t far from tomorrow here downunder and the alarm will go at 4.30am…
Blue suitcase tags for me I think. Maybe small diamonds in the corners …
Maddie, I think you can draw comfort from the experience of Andrew (now Sir Andrew) Wiles. After presenting his proof of Fermat’s Last Theorem to a room full of eminent mathematicians, someone spotted a flaw which resulted in him having to shut himself away for another couple of years to fix it. You and I got the earring theorem sorted out in an afternoon!
Anyway, your proposal to have a drink is undoubtedly a good strategy – as we’ve now proved, it’ll make finding the earrings a lot easier should you lose one while under the influence!