I wrote this post about four years ago. Things change, evolve, pandemics change interpersonal dynamics, but much of this still resonates for me. In fact, a few days after I rescheduled this, it happened again. Someone whose friendship I treasured, essentially bid her farewell (not you Sherry). Circumstances dictated, I completely understood. But they were circumstances that coupled with who and what we are, broke that connection. In our “regular” lives, it is unlikely such a friendship would have disappeared, but then again, would it even have existed…… And that is the fragility we discuss here.
I interact with many. Comments here on the blog. Direct e-mails. Those I know on crossdressers.com. And of course, relationships in real life. I have been blessed to be able to spend time with a few wonderful ladies I met online. Six years (now a decade) into being out and about, one thing I have found (at least with me). Relationships I foster as Kandi generally don’t last long. There are many reasons for that, principally the inherent life of a crossdresser (probably now better termed part-time transgendered woman). While I am out and about, proudly and frequently, there are many, many in my life that have no idea and I want to keep it that way for various reasons.
I have friends that I did many things with, both other CD/TGs and GGs. For one reason or another, we drift apart. Such is the life of someone like myself with two personas. Many I connected with simply have disappeared. Gone, never to be heard from again. That could be for many reasons. Illness, God forbid death (RIP, Pat) or more likely their non-CD life has taken over. Maybe they are trying to break or manage these urges or needs (been there). Also, as many of us move down this road, what it means to us changes dramatically. Some transition. Some mature or have different interests when dressed. We literally go through the stages any girl/woman goes through, just on an accelerated pace. I can see my “puberty”, my being a “young lady” and me now being and acting as a mature woman. Who knows? But that is all a part of it.
Now because of the time I spend on this blog, my means of being of some service to our community and my desire to not overdo my time online, I generally do not initiate communication. But I always respond, thoughtfully and with compassion. I do whatever I can to help and support. But sometimes, it’s not perceived to be enough.
I often rerun or rewrite posts that mention something memorable or sad. And almost all the time, I have zero idea what I was talking about a few years back. And from what I wrote, that person must have been wonderful. But these relationships disintegrate because I am not who I am all the time and my memory is not….what was I saying?
I am contacted frequently by readers, those that see me on Flickr or elsewhere and we go back and forth and get to know each other. But that is hard to sustain unless you make an actual real human connection. That is generally done by meeting in person or as is the case with my dear friend, Cassidy, by a long term, repeated email relationship. I am frankly numb now to friends disappearing. There were so many in my early years (as Kandi) with frequent contact, now I cannot get in touch with them anymore. Plus COVID, you get the point.
Ironically, in my “regular” life, I have double-digit, almost lifelong friends. Nature of the beast?
Not always being Kandi, I also have responsibilities, obligations, worries, bills to pay, a wife and children, other interests, non-CD friends, on and on. Wonderful CD/TG relationships in the real world, that I cherished and remember fondly are now gone, all for good reason. I had a GG friend with whom I attended many concerts and weddings, gone. I have talked about my [former] church [two churches back now] frequently, friends and relationships, gone. I have had quite a few ladies I had e-mail back-and-forths with, gone. I could probably list at least 30 people with whom I have had friendships and/or relationships with, all gone or greatly diminished. I have had long, very nice telephone conversations with many, agreeing to get together at some time. It simply never happens and I often never hear from them again. It is who we are, I guess. Maybe it’s me, which is certainly possible.
I am who I am, I am what I am, but if nothing else, I am up-front and honest. I hope that comes though here. I believe that this also happens because of my need to separate me from Kandi makes it difficult to be completely “real” with everyone. So many things factor in. Just another reflection on my experiences and what I see in our little corner of the world.
Kandi is currently on a bit if a hiatus, not self-imposed, rather it is circumstantial.
8 Responses
Kandi,
Thank you for sharing.
Human beings are very complicated. Life is very complicated. Now throw in being CD/TG and you have an extremely volatile situation.
None of this is bad. The people we interact with help mold us into who we are, for good and for worse. And as we mold them.
Us CD/TG people experience cataclysmic changes in our lives, which obviously affect relationships, old and new. What we must do is celebrate the time we have together. Sometimes brief and sometimes long.
Of course God doesn’t change, that relationship last forever, if we keep faith.
All my love to you.
Jocelyn
PS – I’ve just lost a dear friend who I have known for close to seventy years. I find I am only thinking about the fabulous, fun times we had together. There were seven of us since childhood; extremely close friends, now only four left . . . . . . .
“None of this is bad”. Absolutely correct! Knowing many of these people has been a gift, but the CD/TG world is a microwave version of the ebbs and flows of life.
Interesting post and this is something I’ve sometimes thought about too. In the end, I guess that all friendships in the CD world, particularly the online CD world, are based on the premise that we have a common trait. But there’s a sting in the tail because, as you say, there’s far more to all of us than our feminine sides reveal. One thing that I have found (and I’ll stress at this point that this is absolutely not the case for anyone who has befriended me here) is that as some so-called ‘friendships’ develop, the realisation sets in that there’s no way that our respective male alter egos would get on with each other in our normal lives!
I’ve also come to realise the fragility of online friendships which are, to all intents and purposes, one press of the delete key away from oblivion. This came into stark focus for me in January last year when I had to delete my Flickr account without notice; of course most of the 1000 or so connections I’d made were purely and simply because we were guys who liked to transform ourselves into females from time to time but a small number had genuinely extended the hand of friendship by going way above and beyond the normal ‘you look gorgeous’ exchanges on that platform (in one particular case offering to ask their wife to talk to mine to try to support her in taking a more positive view of my activities) and it is the loss of those that I particularly lament.
It’s never going to be easy and I think your point about needing to separate the two sides hits the nail on the head. It’s something that’s often overlooked but when the realisation sets in that our situation is not unique and those we encounter in our feminine lives have to operate under similar constraints, it does get a little easier to let go when necessary.
There are so many different layers to all of this and we are lucky to have the ability and our community here to examine it all. To learn and to love.
Good Morning Kandi,
You are, in this excellent post, describing an aspect of the human condition that seems to be broadly, if not universally, shared, especially, especially (for emphasis!) by those of us who are, ahem, more, uh, advanced in age. Throw in the complexities of multiple gender expression and presentation and whoa, life can be complicated.
As I have gotten older (into the ‘golden’ years now) many longtime friends and relatives have just quietly, in an almost unnoticed way, drifted away. I don’t hear from them, don’t visit them as I used to, don’t interact at all actually. I have written to a couple of them to mention this and the response is, roughly speaking, “oh I don’t know, it just slips away…..I’m busy with _____ and the daily routine just rolls along.” I used to walk my dog with an older friend down the street but his dog died a few months ago and I have not seen him even once since. Sigh…..
My days now being retired from a long career are pleasant, very regular with repeated good things happening every day, but with little ‘break out’ or variation. And that is OK, at least for me, given the state of the world: all around us things are expensive, complex, tiring!!, dangerous health wise, and often just not worth doing. So, routine, enjoying small things and some large planned things, like big travel makeup the life I now have, and that’s alright.
Have a good Wednesday in Cleveland! Onward for all of us.
Best to you,
Marissa in Ohio
Hearing from you always lights me up!
Kandi ,
All we can do is accept we were part of their lives and hopefully made a difference . I admit CDers.com left a large hole in my life ( you know the story !) some formed into real contacts and friends , I possibly wouldn’t be where I am in my life now without the input from that forum . While many were online friends it was great to chat with them from many parts of the World , we still share many basic problems , societies aren’t so different when it comes to the transgender issue .
As you comment we grow in different directions and naturally drift apart , some leave a hole in our lives and some are better forgotten , the transgender communtiy can be a cruel place , we are very vunerable at times .
As for dealing with both sides now I’m fulltime I’d prefer not to live with that need , is it right we allow others to still demand it ?
Here we are always sharing and I always write for that person, who for maybe the first time, is trying to deal with these types of feelings. I want them to have the benefit of our experiences. Thanks for your valued contributions!