Let’s get out the rather large mailbag here at the Kandi’s Land World headquarters….
Okay, after having sorted through hundreds, well…tens of….okay this one email I got…
“You have no idea!!!” Those were her words. Why this remark hit me so hard was because I have more than an idea, I have experience!!!.
The above remark came from the lips of a woman who I believed to be someone who understood the path I have walked throughout my life and one who was close enough related to have knowledge of that.
What was that of which I had no idea, was it being a woman or of not understanding something trivial? Her comment was that I had no idea of what it was to be a mother, sister or aunt!! So began a very heated debate between her and I that hopefully enlightened her.
As for being a mother, yes she was correct as of course I have never given birth, but then again I have spiritually and financially raised two daughters to be good mothers themselves after their mother passed away when they were very young. I cared for them, wiped their tears and listened to their problems, financially I saw both through university and sat as proud as any mother there when each graduated. Yes I think I can stand to say that I have an idea of being a mother.
As for being a sister, well who was it that fought like a tigress when my sister needed medical assistance, cared for my nieces when my sister was hospitalised for a fortnight, doing the school runs, cooking and cleaning and so forth, which brings me to being an auntie, a role I embraced fully without a second thought.
From all this I have now got two daughters who are themselves mothers and wives, a sister who sees me now as a sister and nieces that share their most private feelings with their auntie Faye.
So as I told this woman, my late wife’s sister, I do have an idea of what it is two be a mother, sister and aunt, more so I have gained the knowledge of what it is to be a woman in the home and workplace.
If she accepted all of this I cannot say, but her concluding remark was “Well Faye, that was refreshingly woman to woman, so let’s just agree to disagree on a few points!!!”
Well Kandi, I suppose you cannot win them all.
My work at the care home is so rewarding and the minor ‘bumps’ (as above) on an otherwise smooth road I can handle.
I hope my ramblings haven’t intruded too much into your day, but who better to share one’s feelings with than a sister who listens and cares !!
Best wishes
Faye x
My response:
Faye,
Intrude on my day…..how about made my day!
Friendships with women like yourself just fill me with pride!
We all have our own set of beliefs, views, personal experiences, prejudices, etc., but that fact that she could agree to disagree is all we can ask of anyone. If more people agreed to disagree, maybe our society as a whole could move forward.
Love you, my sister!
Kandi
Now allow me to make a few additional points.
Faye, you are such a shining light! I am so pleased to be your sister. While we could never meet, we are connected by a mutual love. Thank you for simply being a tremendous human being.
Let’s think about what she said. Every one of our beloved readers has their own unique set of circumstances, their own unique beliefs and experiences, their own unique need to express whatever they define as femininity. No two of us are alike, but all of us are sisters. Look at your siblings, if you have them. You all have the same parents, came up under the same general circumstances, yet you are very different in many ways and the same in many other ways. Certainly shared experiences play a factor in that.
My point, understand you, be you, get a handle on what you are and then let the world see what a beautiful flower that you are.
Never stop being you, always seek happiness. If you are not happy, those around you will probably not be happy and what kind of life is that?
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Another recent correspondence that came into the old mailbag:
Hi Kandi,
You Know Who You Are!
I have been following your blog for quite some time, and I cannot tell you how much it has meant to me. It’s a breath of fresh air every day. I’ve been to Keystone before (five years ago) but haven’t been back since. Hopefully I’ll have a chance to meet you in person one day and just give you a hug. Please keep doing what you’re doing.
I get these every once in a while, often from someone I did not know prior and they always fill me with both joy and pride! Without sounding more self-centered than you probably already think I am, where this has gone and where we still have to go is amazing! It’s like a house painter being thrown a canvas and some oil paints and creating a masterpiece! You all are part of our masterpiece!
8 Responses
Kandi indeed we all have different circumstances we deal with. You know me I just try and live my life fluid as much more feminine than any guy but I actually hope when at work I hope I’m educating as well,
I do love being full on fem as well it is a happy place for me.
I do however experience a lot of loneliness but I’m glad I can come here to be lifted by you and the other ladies
Hugs Rachael
I wish this virtual hug were real, but you have a bunch of sisters here!!
Kandi,
I hope you don’t mind me quoting from Jan Morris . In ” Conundrum” she realised she could never be a true mother , no surgery has acheived that yet , so the next best thing was to father her children before she transitioned so at least she experienced being a parent both as a father and also a transwoman . People like my ex-wife make the point loud and clear that we aren’t women and never will be because real women have the children . While I’ve never made the point with her yet I will point out how abusive that is not only to transwomen but also to GGs themselves . It implies that a GG is less of a woman because she either choose not to have children or possibly worse can’t have children . To those women who can’t it must be devastating and to people like Jan Morris they have to be content with a compromise .
Both genders have the ability to care for others despite their personal circumstances , to single certain members of the community out and question their caring motives is a little unfair , labels shouldn’t be used to exclude the ability to care for another person .
Teresa, of course I don’t mind. Listen, all I can do is change one mind at a time, make one sister feel loved. And that is what is happening in my life. Here and also in real life. You will soon read about my annual post as the principal greeter for The Cleveland Museum of Art’s huge Solstice party. An estimated crowd of 5,000 people and I would conservatively estimate 90-95% of each and every one of them saw me and had a brief encounter with me. As I walked around after my work was done, I got one lovely compliment after another. Did I change any minds? Probably not (it was the art museum, generally a very accepting crowd), but I gave them all an encounter with someone like me who was kind, fun., looked great and smiled for about five hours. All I can do….all we can do.
It seems that love is love is love. Mother, father, sister, brother, daughter, son, aunt, uncle, brother, sister….all physical, societal descriptions that get trumped by LOVE. And I love all my sisters here in Kandi’s Land and on Flickr and everywhere. And my brothers, etc.
Note: many physical women do not have children, either by choice or medical limitations. Still a woman. Still a person of and worthy of love.
Also, I loved Rachel’s phase: “Full on Fem!” Unless trademarked, I will use that, my Dear Friend.
Love to all,
Crystal
Crystal,
My point about the comment made by some women to members of the transgender communtiy that they can never be women because they can’t concieve is also thoughtless and hurtful to GGs who can’t concieve implying they are not a true woman .
While I agree with your sentiments our community is often at odds with themselves , I have suffered far more from the trans community than I have from the outside world .
Kandi,
You raise an interesting question , ” Did I change any minds ?” Whether it’s 5 people or 5000 most people see what they want to see , they’re mostly content with that . Lets consider for a moment one person standing up and pointing a finger shouting , ” That’s a man !”, possibly followed by some more descriptive abuse . I wonder what would be the response from other people and how do you think you would respond ? I admit on occasions it’s something I feared happening but after five years it hasn’t . The question is am I still pushing my envelope , or becoming ( too ) complacent ? So do we change any minds ? In your situation I believe you hope you do but in my case I’m hoping their minds are made up assuming they have doubts .
Teresa,
There is one thing I know about how I am perceived, and I am certain of this. No one thinks I am a woman, they know I am a man. And I have used that to my advantage. So if someone were to say “That’s a man!”, my immediate response would be “No shit, Sherlock.”
😊
Kandi,
It’s great you’re comfortable with that . I admit I wouldn’t be happy , as for an off the cuff answer , Jack Lemmon’s final comment in ” Some like it hot ” comes to mind , ” Well no one’s perfect ” when he confesses he’s a man .