Dear Diary….

Entry, June 19, 2023.

Entry, June 19, 2023.

It’s the Monday before my biopsy. I am not allowed to drink and my wife is at work. There isn’t much work-wise that I can do as I am in a waiting pattern on a number of initiatives, I will be out of commission the next day and have to get back into the truck Thursday and Friday. I am feeling melancholy. I am not really concerned by the cancer possibility, but a preponderance of shit has been happening all at once, this just being one of the hurdles I have to get over. I guess I am tired of always having to jump over hurdle after hurdle. Some, my own doing, some bad luck, some just the way it is. I know, that’s life. But it left me feeling vulnerable.

I went for a six mile walk. I am going to be home alone for nine hours and I have a really hard time not drinking when home alone for long stretches of time. And I am not allowed to drink prior to surgery.

Adding to my malaise my reunion weekend, the weekend prior left me really enjoying being that “guy”. The day before Father’s Day visit by our daughter and her boyfriend and his son left me really enjoying being that “guy”. My Father’s Day activities, which you recently read about, left me really enjoying being that “girl”. I have always been able to overcome many challenges but at least I was always a healthy person. Now? And as confident I am in being Kandi and how much I love her, there will always be a feeling that something is wrong with me. Please I know nothing is wrong with me, but I may never completely shake that feeling. You cannot deny permanent scars were left behind from over 50 years of denial.

So since I could not turn to the bottle, I turned to a dress. I can go without drinking, but I have to drag myself to do something so as not to sit at home with a cocktail. So I picked out a way-to-young for me sundress and I decided to be vulnerable, I went with my own hair. I blew my hair dry (I never do that) because it brought tremendous volume and kept that hair spray coming, teasing it all along.

I then texted my great friend Lisa, who owns my favorite consignment store and whom I hadn’t seen in a while and told her I was coming to visit her. I simply wanted to run a few errands and see my friend. No great plan, no long day out. Just kill a few hours primping, talking to Lisa, trying on dresses and then back home to cut the grass and ground myself.

Shop the Amazon Fourth of July sale!

I stopped at a local nursery to pick something up and then stopped for gas. In this dress, with this hair and guess what? I got what I needed and filled up the tank. Non-events.

Lisa is such a great friend. We talked and as always she let me play in the store. It lifted my spirits and put me back into a good frame of mind. I had her take a few pictures of me in the last dress I tried on. Oh, a to-die-for Kate Spade beauty but way out of my price range.

Dear diary, I am fortunate to have such a great friend and am blessed beyond words to have the wonderful wife and family that I have. We are never a finished product, always evolving and adapting.

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16 Responses

  1. Hi Kandi,
    Yet another very good post! Your thoughts are well expressed and I know that they touch, resonate with, most, if not all who read them. I hear you, really. My sense is that you, we, have absolutely nothing, yes, nothing, ‘wrong’ with us; what we are is just a bit different from the societal mainstream. I have, for all these many years, never felt ‘wrong’, or bad in any way, just different, a bit. I attribute this portion of my life to a genetic predisposition; it just came with me in the dna package I was dealt. You are doing fabulous and truly amazing things with your life that you do, and should enjoy immensely. Have a good July 4th holiday. Keep on keepin’ on!
    Best to you,
    Marissa in Ohio

  2. Kandi, you will be in my prayers. Health issues puts things in perspective. I have a couple of family members going through some rough situations. You are truly an amazing person .
    Yours
    Terri

    1. Nah, I am not different than anyone else. I just blabber about it here. I hope you are going to Erie this year?????

      Terri, you are the awesomest!

  3. Kandi when I read this I really see how much alike we are. I too have days when with my son or grandsons how much being the male me is great.
    Yet I still have that urge to be the girl inside and I too wonder what is wrong and how much being that girl has cost me in my life and my marriage
    Yet I move on and try to do the best I can
    God has blessed me and for that I’m forever grateful
    Kandi I love your look in these shots so very natural
    Love ya Rachael

    1. Rach (don’t tell anyone this, it’s just between us girls), I most closely identify with you in terms of all of this.

      We have been sharing with each other for quite sometime and the fact that we are friends brings me such great joy!

      Happy 4th Rach! Go blow off a firecracker for me! 🧨

      1. Thank you my dear I cherish our virtual friendship as well
        I actually work the 4th but it’s all good cause it’s good money, maybe buy a new dress 😄

  4. Kandi,

    You enjoy being that “guy” and you enjoy being that “girl”. Seems to me you’ve got all the bases covered, you enjoy being you! Looking back on the past can be instructive sometimes so that we can learn from our mistakes but try not to let it interfere with your enjoyment of being you, both now and in the future.
    Be well,
    Fiona

  5. Kandi,
    You have many, many Friends supporting, praying and walking along side you.
    I hope you count me as one!
    Here’s to clearing the next hurdle – together
    Love,
    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
    Crystal

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