Entry, June 19, 2023.
It’s the Monday before my biopsy. I am not allowed to drink and my wife is at work. There isn’t much work-wise that I can do as I am in a waiting pattern on a number of initiatives, I will be out of commission the next day and have to get back into the truck Thursday and Friday. I am feeling melancholy. I am not really concerned by the cancer possibility, but a preponderance of shit has been happening all at once, this just being one of the hurdles I have to get over. I guess I am tired of always having to jump over hurdle after hurdle. Some, my own doing, some bad luck, some just the way it is. I know, that’s life. But it left me feeling vulnerable.
I went for a six mile walk. I am going to be home alone for nine hours and I have a really hard time not drinking when home alone for long stretches of time. And I am not allowed to drink prior to surgery.
Adding to my malaise my reunion weekend, the weekend prior left me really enjoying being that “guy”. The day before Father’s Day visit by our daughter and her boyfriend and his son left me really enjoying being that “guy”. My Father’s Day activities, which you recently read about, left me really enjoying being that “girl”. I have always been able to overcome many challenges but at least I was always a healthy person. Now? And as confident I am in being Kandi and how much I love her, there will always be a feeling that something is wrong with me. Please I know nothing is wrong with me, but I may never completely shake that feeling. You cannot deny permanent scars were left behind from over 50 years of denial.
So since I could not turn to the bottle, I turned to a dress. I can go without drinking, but I have to drag myself to do something so as not to sit at home with a cocktail. So I picked out a way-to-young for me sundress and I decided to be vulnerable, I went with my own hair. I blew my hair dry (I never do that) because it brought tremendous volume and kept that hair spray coming, teasing it all along.
I then texted my great friend Lisa, who owns my favorite consignment store and whom I hadn’t seen in a while and told her I was coming to visit her. I simply wanted to run a few errands and see my friend. No great plan, no long day out. Just kill a few hours primping, talking to Lisa, trying on dresses and then back home to cut the grass and ground myself.
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I stopped at a local nursery to pick something up and then stopped for gas. In this dress, with this hair and guess what? I got what I needed and filled up the tank. Non-events.
Lisa is such a great friend. We talked and as always she let me play in the store. It lifted my spirits and put me back into a good frame of mind. I had her take a few pictures of me in the last dress I tried on. Oh, a to-die-for Kate Spade beauty but way out of my price range.
Dear diary, I am fortunate to have such a great friend and am blessed beyond words to have the wonderful wife and family that I have. We are never a finished product, always evolving and adapting.