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I Am Very Blessed By My Many Associations

I am extremely proud of what you will read here today. I am a horribly flawed human being who has been given gifts that I do not deserve.

May 3, 2024 was a MIX at the art museum. Prior to that, I had a Zoom interview with the producer of a documentary associated with The Candy Store, as we recently discussed. So I went all-in in terms of my presentation. I generally never do anything with my nails except clear polish. That is for many reasons. One is time, that is yet another thing to do to get out the door. I spend too much time on Kandi prep as it is. A second reason, my fingers no longer operate as they once did. So the actual act of putting the nails on is difficult and frustrating. And the act of using my worthless digits with long nails make them even more worthless. But this day, I had the time, motivation and really didn’t need to do much with my hands for most of the afternoon/evening. This was a successful endeavor.

Much less successful was my attempt a false eyelashes. I was able to get the first one applied properly, but because of the actual shape of my eyes, you could not even see I was wearing them. So that idea was scrapped, probably for good. The nails will make a come back when they make sense. I am sure you are all sitting on the edges of your seats so far reading this…

What I thought would be a half hour Zoom took almost two hours. Suffice it to say, I blabbered on and I thought it went well. I gave a lot of my views on our little corner of the world. I wish I could articulate better how being this open makes me feel vulnerable and always elicits tears. And that vulnerableness pleases me and is when I feel the most feminine.

What I think is meaningless in this context. I made clear that in a selfish world, I would love to be as involved in the documentary as I can be or as they would want me to be. But the world does not revolve around me, so if they reach back out, I made clear I would not incur any expenses to participate (I also would not expect renumeration, just no expenses out of my pocket) and I will not jeopardize my livelihood or any family embarrassment. What that all means would have to be evaluated IF they ever contact me again.

My pre-MIX plans were shot to Hell, so I went straight to “work”, but not before doing a rather goofy photoshoot.

Yes, I crushed it on all levels with my look and I was frequently complimented on it. By the way, if you look at my eyes in the photo immediately above this paragraph, on the left, you can clearly see why the lashes did not work. I have what I believe are called “hooded” eyes.

As always, I smiled all evening, my face literally hurting from doing so. I had many hugs and conversations, laughs and just a complete affirmation of what life is all about. My great friend, the museum’s volunteer coordinator worked her last MIX. Yes, I cried and we did say that we loved each other. I am very blessed by my many associations. And I do love my friend and all she has done for me. Her acceptance of me many, many years ago, was the catalyst for me becoming who you know as Kandi now.

May 4, 2024, I helped out with the annual Courtney Jones Care and Cure Foundation fundraiser. You can read the backstory here. This was the third annual, always held on Kentucky Derby day, so there are many dressed in their appropriate Derby attire. And me….shorts and a quarter zip as it is held in our hometown and Kandi (while well known to my friend Alisha) doesn’t hang out in her hometown. But the spirit of Kandi shown through and I had a lovely evening and was very helpful in making patrons feel welcome and selling raffle tickets. At the event, Alisha presented a $20,000 check to Case Western Reserve University for pediatric cancer research. I am very blessed by my many associations.

May 5, 2024, I had not had the ability to attend my favorite church in quite some time, mostly because I was working on Sundays at Darlafoxx. But I heard our Pastor was retiring, so I wanted to find out what was going on and did not know when he was retiring. My intention was to attend as Kandi always does but frankly, I didn’t have the energy and had things to do. So I went in male mode, first time I did that there. And I was rewarded for it. Everyone knew who I was (the smile is always the give away) and so many came up to greet and/or hug me. John is indeed retiring and once I found out he is at least ten years older than I thought, I understood why. I figured I had close to ten years on him, but he has five plus on me!

Quick side story: the documentarian was fascinated by how much I value this church, this place, these people. I have written here and I made it very clear to her, that if there was only one thing I was allowed to do as Kandi, it is attend services at this church. Not even a question and I am someone who has done some pretty amazing things. We talked quite a bit about this and she was quite surprised by it. And now, back to our story…

This was the highlight among many highlights. John’s wife Deanne and I are friends. We are both competitive runners and, well, I am just so loveable… I am seated (remember male mode, first time there) and chatting with someone. While talking, I feel a hug from behind and a kiss on my head. I bounced up and wrapped her in a return hug and she asked if she could sit next to me during the service. What a blessing! What a service! It started with a fabulous number by the children of the church with John adding some great vocals. My smile was on overdrive.

I cannot explain the blissful feeling I had the whole time. This feeling, this peacefulness does not exist ever for me, anywhere else. Yes, I do experience happiness frequently, but this inner peace, nowhere but here. I am not a religious person in the context of quoting scripture or being a prayerful person. Usually, okay always, organized religions disappoint me. Not the beliefs or the faith, but the organizations themselves. I have been disillusioned by my birth faith and then my first Kandi church. But those experiences lead me to this church on this day. I do believe in God and I do believe He rewards goodness, not sanctimony. I try to set an example, knowing I am always noticed everywhere I go (not arrogance, but girls like me are indeed noticed). This church is very much about social justice, love and acceptance. But it is even more. It is a microcosm of Utopia, how the world should be and what it could be and when there, what it is. I am very blessed by my many associations.

Three days, two genders, a documentarian who was fascinated by me, a dear friend finally getting to her next chapter, another dear friend making a significant difference borne from the ultimate grief one can experience (a mother losing her daughter) and a place on this planet that gives you hope for how we can be as a society. And me, right in the middle of all of it and I deserve none of it, but I’ll take it.

I am very blessed by my many associations.


10 Responses

  1. Kandi,
    I agree sometimes nails are a pain but I always try and find the time to keep them looking reasonable ( sorry not often perfect ) . I feel I have large hands and coloured nails are a useful distraction , I usually do mine in the evenings when I can sit quietly and catch up on a TV program .

    Never attempted false lashes , even a layer of mascara feels too much when I see the majority of women not bothering at all , I feel my eyes need the lift makeup gives them so I’m never out the door without doing them .

    I’m not a religious person but I do enjoy some aspects of the way some choose to use the grandeur of the buildings , they make a wonderful setting for concerts and recitals . Otherwise after attending chuch services for weddings for thirty years it found it disheartening for the lack of genuine people , many church people just like dressing up (in the regalia , sounds familiar doesn’t it !! ) .

    The World doesn’t revolve around us a individuals but as individuals we have the ability to help it revolve in the right way and Kandi you do make a huge contribution which many would miss .

  2. Kandi,



  3. Kandi, it is plain to me that these associations are so meaningful to you, but you have put the effort into maintaining them in such a way that they reflect back upon you. You may say that you do not “deserve” them, but you would not be who you are without them and the benefit they provide you. This is evident by how you are welcomed in either gender.

    I have never used fake nails, preferring to get them done at a salon, even for just one day/night. I also have hooded eyes with sparse eyelashes and have to use fake lashes just to get them noticed. That said, I love your look with the red maxi dress, it’s stunning!

  4. So many things here to absorb from your few days but I’m always amazed at how you manage it all and always looking so beautiful
    Ah yes religion well for me I am comfortable where I worship not enfem but still I have a great pastor and enjoy his messsges
    I’m also part of a group of trans Christians who have an online church that meets each Sunday evening
    A group of beautiful folks lead by a trans Christian herself
    It’s called Grace Alone church
    It’s been a blessing to me and many others
    Just as you have been her Kandi
    Love you Rachael

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