Last evening I was at a gathering of like-minded people at a group I first discovered on Meetup early in my journey. They really helped. I knew nothing and I was able to ask questions which they happily answered. We get together weekly in their safe “nest”. It’s like home with makeup stations and lockers, couch, dinning table, kitchen etc.
We come dressed or get dressed there and change back before we leave. At home what does family do? They break bread and have dinner. That’s what we do too. At dinner, we talk about our journey and welcome new guests. Go to www.cdinyc.org for info.
When I’m in the area, I try to make the meetings (also virtual on zoom), because it’s so helpful to be with others that share similar life stories. You feel that you’re not alone.
Upon one discussion, I was sitting on a couch along side a woman who’s name I’ll call Amy for the sake of confidentiality.
Amy is from England and roughly the same age as myself. However, the similarities of our lives and thought process were eerily similar.
Amy is 60 something and she told me at age 5 she knew she was different. She loved the female energy she felt inside of her but was incredibly scared to display it or tell anyone for fear of ridicule or worse. She went on to say, “In those days, if I were to tell anyone, I’d be beaten to a pulp”.
So she hid her feelings for years and decades only to express herself in secret.
I too remember at age 12 or so waiting for everyone to be gone from the house so I could try on any female clothes I could find.
I personally didn’t feel like I was a woman trapped in a male body as many do. I was fascinated with everything female. I didn’t know then but I wanted to FEEL what it was like to be female.
Both Amy and I would be very attracted to a female physically but also wonder what it would be like to be her. “Do I want to DO her or BE her” as she said.
Being in a household where my mom was taking me to church daily, I suppressed my feelings. I further buried it by joining the USMC.
I blocked much of my childhood memories out for over 45 years until an event in 2019 jogged my memory and Gwen was born again. I go into much more detail in other posts.
Amy hadn’t blocked her feelings out but had wrestled with her femme urges all her life. A series of purges followed by the return of “the urge” as I’ll call it.
IT NEVER GOES AWAY FOR LONG
The way I explain it in my own way, is that we’re all energy. The body is a physical mechanism to move around our surroundings. We may have been born with a physical body one way or the other but our SPIRIT or ENERGY is who we really are.
I see everything as energy. We all have a combination of male and female energy. Why? Because the Law of Polarity states there must be an opposite to everything. Think YIN/YANG.
Whichever is the dominant energy inside of you is up to you and for others it’s what you’re born with. Everyone’s combination of male-female or female-male is different regardless of the body you have.
Some feel like a female trapped in a male body or visa versa. While others have a dual relationship with their energy and are perfectly comfortable presenting as male or female as they choose on any particular day. To make it even more confusing, there’s any number of variations in between.
As a coach and mentor for decades I’m often asked, “If we all have this relationship with thoughts (energy), which will win?” The answer given by most is “Whichever you feed”.
What you think about most, you become. It’s the same concept regarding money, gratitude, relationships, fear and so on.
Thus, if your desire is to be more female (male), ask yourself what you need to do to make it happen. Research and ask others who’s opinion you respect for the topic you are asking about. Don’t make the error of asking people who have no experience what they think!
Then increase your thinking energy in that area. Get emotionally invested it it. Take action steps at whatever speed is appropriate for you.
I hope this post has been eye-opening and stirred some thinking for you.
Be Strong. 💪
#TransPreneur
4 Responses
Gwen,
“What you think about most, you become” rings true. I would say that gender dysphoria leads me to think about my gender almost all the time. I have no choice but to think about it. The great thing about being Lisa is that the dysphoria disappears while I am able to be her — I am simply a woman at home or out in the world. Thank you for sharing this post, as I am sure many readers will relate.
Lisa
Gwen,
I relate with you in a lot points that you made here. I joined another organization, not the USMC, thinking that would be my cure. After many purges I believe in the duality of man . We can be 2 spirits and gender is not in-between our legs but in our brains. Great article!
Am I attracted to that woman? Or do I envy that woman? I see many CDs ask the same question. Of course it could be both too. When I was younger it was easily attraction (in my mind) but when I got older and stopped my denials I began to see it was a lot of “envy.” The attraction was and is always there, but the “envy” aspect really became obvious when I stopped lying to myself about myself.
-Christina
Christina,
Perhaps it’s more to do with a woman’s presentation . They may not have an attraction to themselves but there could be some envy as they tend to compare themselves with other women .
It may appear starnge to a man because it’s something they don’t normally experience but women enjoy far more how they look in clothes and how well they present themselves . Personally I find I love shopping and putting outfits together , I enjoy discovering a style that suits me which is something I’m often complimented on .
After being introduced to autogynophylia ( AGP ) I did feel it explained so much in my feelings but over time I found I didn’t need to place myself in boxes to explain my behaviour , I just accepted I was trans and got on with my life .