Current State of Mind

Yeah, it’s almost New Years. So we always seem to look back and look forward more so than usual.

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I received the following message(s) via Flickr:

This is a curiosity question pursuant to a recent, lengthy discussion on the topic of transgenderism in “Just Class.”

You identify yourself as: “Straight MTF transgendered woman, living principally as a man.”

If you are living principally as a man, how can you be transgendered, which means (literally) having crossed over from one gender to another. Conventionally, I think being transgendered from M to F means you are now legally a woman — driver’s license, passport, etc. and perhaps (ever so controversial) in how you participate in sports and which bathroom you use. You have left being a man behind and out of the picture.

Your self identity sounds more like gender fluidity, which to to say a person can be of more than one gender and switch back and forth from time to time. (That’s how I increasingly feel about myself while remaining a man legally and in the eyes of society.)

So, the question is: what step did you take that rendered you “transgendered” — in your mind. In the lack of a legal identity change, society many view you as a “passable cross dresser” as opposed to a transgendered individual. Is there, in effect, a “bright line” test?

Do you have any thoughts on that? This is just for my curiosity to better understand the issue. I will NOT pass anything you say on. What you say in your profile can stand for your position.

My response:

Interesting message, certainly makes one think.

I have a blog where I write all about everything that relates to my life and adventures as Kandi. Everything that runs through my head is all there.

You are seeking a dictionary definition of who and what I am. A black or white categorization. Have I or will I transition? No. But to offer the alternative, am I a crossdresser? No. The only thing I will push back on is that I would not consider myself gender fluid. Maybe bigendered is a better term. When I am Kandi, I am all woman (with obvious exceptions). When I am not, in my head, I am still all Kandi.

I am who and what I am, not really worried about being slotted into a particular box. Life is many shades of grey and I am certainly shaded more toward female than male.

Call me what you want, I guess.

It took me a very long time to get comfortable in my own skin and I am now very comfortable. So I guess you can call me “happy”.

Interesting questions, thanks for your kindness and interest.

Her subsequent response.

Thanks for taking the time to respond, Kandi.

Based on reading Flickr profiles for well over 10 years, many men have felt confused, conflicted and even ashamed upon discovering desires of femininity. (I’m leaving aside here a host of members of “the Flickr community” who clearly dress mostly or entirely as a sexual fetish.) “Why do I do this, and who am I when I do?” Bi-gender, gender fluid, transgender, cross dresser — perhaps some word helps explain it, with or without an agreed upon definition. That’s arguably been going on, mostly behind the scenes, for a long time. And one can say, as you did in your response, to each his or her own. Fair enough.

But in recent years, here in the U.S., the term “transgendered” seems mean something very specific — and far from behind the scenes, it has become a major source of very public sociopolitical controversy. It means someone who has permanently crossed over from one gender to the other and expects, in such things as sports, to be considered fully and legally as such.

(At present, in the public sense, gender is viewed as strictly binary. One or the other. Perhaps that should change. Too soon to say if it might.)

So when I said in a comment on one of your photos that holding a flower enhanced your femininity and you responded by saying you WERE feminine (my emphasis), I took a fresh look at your profile and the word transgendered jumped off the page. While that may make perfect sense to you, it didn’t seem to square with what the word means in the prevailing public context. And, in the “Just Class” group discussion I mentioned, participants struggled to arrive at what I called a “bright line” test as to whether someone was transgendered or not.

One might argue that in the public context, the only bright line would be a legal line — for all purposes having to do with the law, one declares oneself as one gender or the other and then society, for legal purposes, has to accept that. This arguably requires no change in apparel, appearance or behavior which some, such as the sports community, might say makes no sense. (There would certainly be those in the Flickr cd community, where apparel and looks are everything, who would also say it makes no sense.)

Personally, while mulling it over in my own context as well as in the public context (I’m a retired public policy journalist), it has also appeared in our extended family and with respect to the grandchild of one of our closest friends who at about age seven or so declared herself to be “a girl with a penis” and who in later years has said she “just wants to be who I am” and “not be messed with” (puberty blockers). So far, so good in her case. Not so good with respect to the extended family member.

I’ll take a look at your blog.

One thing you might think about in that context is that anything and everything you write in your blog is AI fodder. It’s all scooped up and added to these gigantic AI databases being built at vast expense one after another. And you then lose control of it.

It’s a new world in more ways than one.

I really only label myself for the purposes of helping a reader understand where my mind is at. I really do not consider myself as this or that, one label or another. We all get hung up on labels, right or wrong, the need to label was a driving factor in recent political results (I only mention this, we do not discuss politics here, WAY too divisive, we are about love and support here).

I never felt like I crossed some definitional threshold when I accepted myself in 2014. I felt no change in who I was when I first went out in public as Kandi. I certainly felt like my frame of mind changed, my mood changed, my feeling about myself changed, but did the core of who I am or was change? Who knows?

I see 2025 being yet another year in the life of Kandi. Who I am and what I do has always evolved and will do so again this year. I expect that I will continue to seek more and more very public displays of being Kandi. I also expect times out dressed will be fewer. I was out 125 times in 2023 (I always take a close up photo as you have seen here every time I go out, so counting outings is easy), This past year it was only 112 and many of those were because I worked as Kandi on every weekend for about 3 months, outings that would not have happened otherwise. What does that mean? Don’t really know. What I do know, with each and every outing, I adore BEING dressed and I abhor GETTING dressed. I have decided against going out often because the three to three and a half hours involved simply in getting dressed and made up, driving there and back and getting cleaned up and putting everything away leave me exhausted. And that does not include doing anything while dressed.

I am by no means whining or complaining. I am also not seeking words of wisdom from anyone. I am a terribly flawed human being, I have done things that have shaped my life, given me joy as well as pain and challenges that most never experience. That said, we have experienced good health personally and with family, so in that respect I have been blessed beyond words. I do know taking this any further (however one defines that, however I would manifest that) is no more an option than my walking on the moon. So why even discuss that?

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Happy New Year All! If you have read this far, thank you as you have more patience than I. If there is anything you want to see here, please let me know. Blog year eight is getting to be difficult, as you have seen more repeats as I have had fewer experiences to report. Also, many Contributors have drifted away, had life circumstances change or simply have said all they have to say. Recently you have read about lost friends (for various reasons) and that theme will continue when I revisit a trip that never will or can happen again for many reasons, also highlighting great friends lost for various circumstances. For the first time since I let the genie out of the bottle, I look at next month’s calendar and see nothing relating to Kandi. And I feel ambivalent about that.

I recently edited out all the remaining photo shoot pages and really ached do be able to do those again. You will read my thoughts on them soon. I am contemplating a Dry January, dry from alcohol, dry from Kandi. One may be good for me, but which one? Will either stick? Unlikely, but we’ll see.

So, where do we go from here?

Have a great weekend and enjoy time with family and friends (or free from them 😊).