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Circumstances

An acknowledgement that we all have issues to deal with.

Circumstances, we all have them.  As it relates to the subject matter of this blog, you may have a spouse.  She may be 100% supportive or completely disdain this part of you.  You may have complete freedoms as it relates to your dressing or are in either a DADT (don’t ask, don’t tell) or secretive circumstance.  You may dress but be fearful of leaving your home.  Your wife may support you dressing at home but will not allow you to leave the home.  Maybe it’s vice versa.  I could go on and on with various scenarios.

While I am blessed to have the freedoms I have, there are many things I do not have.  Without revisiting some of my personal circumstances (which I will in detail soon), there are many things you all do daily without thought that I cannot.  I have been through hell on Earth with a business failure and the legal collateral damage it all caused.  Almost 20 years later, I still deal with it and think about it every single day.  My circumstances, my fault. It shapes my livelihood, it restricts places I can go. Again, my circumstances, my fault.

While I am by no means complaining, we are solidly middle class and want for nothing, but my reality is that I will work until I die.  There will be no complete retirement for me.  My circumstances. 

Because I am self-employed, I am unable to generate health care benefits.  So my wife has to work full time at a job she hates or at least strongly dislikes.  That kills me each and every day.  I don’t dwell on it, but it’s my reality. She accepts and understand this, but it will always bother me.  Her recent complete hearing loss in one ear from the plague, leaves her uneasy in many situations (it affects both her hearing and her equilibrium). As such, she has become more anxious and that has lead to an ulcer. Our circumstances, my failure as a provider.

Unfortunately, this is how life works.  I am told frequently how lucky I am for allowing Kandi to flourish.  I completely agree and never take it for granted.  But I am sure there are parts of your life that would make me envious, that I would immediately trade places to have.  I also know that many of you deal with far more than I could ever imagine, every day difficult.  We all have portions of our lives where we are blessed and portions we wish were better or easier.  Health, both physical and mental, are of tantamount importance.  Without that it is difficult to get through the day and puts a drain on personal resources.  If you have your health, you are fortunate.  After a positive result from my recent health scare, I remain thankful for our blessings.  With my issues and benefits, I consider myself very blessed and try to acknowledge that frequently.

Yes, I am fortunate to have the circumstances that have allowed Kandi to bring me such joy.  But for everything we get, there are things we do not get or difficulties that balance that all out.  My purpose here is one of support and to show those that have the circumstances to get out, but chose not to do so for fear of the unknown, that the world is far more accepting than you believe.  Yes, I get out (or at least used to do so more often).  Yes, I am accepted in doing so (or at least used to do so).  Yes, I am blessed.  My circumstances.

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6 Responses

  1. Kandi ,
    We have to accept that our past is now history so there’s nothing we can do to change it . I’m sure many of us have wished we could turn the clock back hoping we could change things . That fact is we can’t so we beat ourselves up because we could be causing someone elses unnecessary suffering , all we can do is rely on the human traits of pain followed hopefully by forgiveness . For a time my ex-wife took on work that she hated , it was at a time when I’d almost ceased to function , naturally I felt bad . Ironically since our divorce she’s continued to do similar work which she doesn’t have to do anymore , so did she use it to punish me originally but underneath didn’t hate it as much as she complained about ?

    While you describe some of us as the lucky ones and I would list myself as one now , sometimes we have to make that luck happen BUT that luck for many of us does come at a price . There is rarely a free ride but again as you comment we need good health to hopefuuly endure the hard times to reach peace and happiness . I hope you have found yours .

  2. I would have to count myself among the lucky ones in that I have enough and a bit more. I’m in good health, knock on wood. I still work part time both for the mental stimulation and to pursue some new financial and personal goals. And I have a nuclear and extended family that is healthy, happy, and stays connected.

    I also enjoy the freedom to go out when and where I choose and feel safe to be myself at home. This has come at the cost of a marriage, so there is no free lunch.

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