An edited e-mail “conversation” with a dear friend about my recent “Be” post.
You used the word “never” in relation to your brief point of passing (as in, we never pass). I think I know the point you were trying to make: don’t ever expect to pass because the tells are too great (emphasizing the hands). I am wondering, however, if your experience is a little too narrow to make that observation so emphatically. The CD/TG women you interact with (your friends who are there in Cleveland or who visit you, as well as the TG conference goers, if those are the examples you rely on) are not necessarily a good sample. You knew every one was AMAB before you met them. That meant you couldn’t ignore their male features (I put myself in that camp, thanks to the generous gift of your time with me). My hands are not big, however, so you must have noticed my broad shoulders!:-)
But I still think I may be a counter example, not because everyone thinks I was AFAB. You already know what I care about is that I am treated as a woman—I don’t know what someone thinks unless they tell me. Nevertheless, I have had numerous people tell me I pass (including a GG who said she was surprised when I revealed to her I was TG, as well as my friend [name withheld], who said was amazed by my ability to pass), all well before I took any microdosed feminizing hormones. More recently, my new friend from the changing room and comments from my [class] sisters, all point to acceptance of me as a GG. I don’t think I am imaging their views, as the relationships have deepened and there have been so many relevant comments (such as one reference to “we women” and a discussion of how “our bodies” work). I definitely feel included in the sisterhood without an ounce of the money allyship form of acceptance. I have had my antenna up and have perceived not an ounce of it.
So, if at least part of the time I am passing, then I am guessing there are many TG folks out there who blend in similarly. My comments here in no way detract from the thrust of your message, and even among my women friends I have promised to myself that I will not hide from the truth should they ask. I am not trying to be stealth so much as refusing to make my TG status something others will talk about among themselves. Also, I do not wish to comment to your community with this information. It is wonderful for me to feel the way I do (because it is a constant salve to my dysphoria), but I am all too aware that I may be an outlier.
“Friend”
Thank you, “Friend” I always welcome a different perspective or experience.
First of all, I write so much, sometimes I do not make my point well since I, of course, know what I am trying to say.
I should have said, under close scrutiny, we never pass, because that is simply true. If someone has the time to study and consider you, me or any sister in that fashion, we won’t pass. Blending and passing are two different things. We both blend well, you more so than I.
Also, the entire meaning of that post, from top to bottom, is to set realistic expectations for someone contemplating walking out the door. It is far better and safer if one assumes that they will not pass (but can still be treated with respect) than if one takes “passing” for granted and then puts themselves either in harm’s way or at least sets themself up for a letdown when maybe they are called “sir” or something like that. Having realistic expectations and being pleasantly surprised by kindness is much better that the opposite. The post was not written for you or me as we know how to navigate the world and the “be”s are like breathing to us.
In anything in life, there are always exceptions. Nothing is ever absolute. When 30,000 people line up to run a marathon, it is safe to say no one will break two hours. Then one person runs a 1:59. Technically, that statement would be incorrect, but practically it is accurate. Same with my statement.
You made me smile with the words, “if somebody has time to study and consider you.” All I could think of is being nude! There is no doubt I was AMAB when you see my lower half, 🙂
And, I have no desire to change the genitals I was given at birth. So, the world is stuck with me just the way she is, as strange as that may seem to the broader world. I am thankful to have friends like you who “get me” (even just a little bit).
A fun dialogue. My experience over time is likely to continue to inform my views.
After our email exchange this morning I went to my church of almost 40 years, as “him.” For the first time in all those years, I saw a TG woman in the pew. One tell was her height, although she was thin. Another was her walk (not quite fully comfy in heels). Another was her hair (wig-like, I fear). But, her biggest drawback was that she wore a scarf pulled up over her nose, like a bandit in a 60’s Western. I think she opted for this type of covering to feign COVID fears while also being able to cover her Adams Apple. I didn’t get a chance to welcome her, as she exited quickly out a side door. That was too bad. I wish she had read your post from last week. She dressed appropriately, but she needed to be out and proud to help all of us.
“Friend”
Bingo!
A few weeks back my wife and I took my Mom to church (Catholic). I clearly noticed a “sister” walking in. Way overdid things in terms of trying to wear everything she could. Not inappropriate, but very obvious. She apparently goes to Mass frequently or at least more often than that one time.
Sometime later, I was driving Mom somewhere and she begins to tell me a story about being in Mass one day. Mom apparently had a bit of a coughing bout. She then told me about a man in women’s clothing that was seated near her who quietly left a lozenge on the seat for my Mom. She told me how kind that was of this man (her words). She went on to say she didn’t understand why he was dressed that way, but did say she thanked him for his kindness. Nothing derogatory, just not understanding more than anything. I didn’t say too much except that everyone has things in their lives to deal with (Mom does not know about Kandi, nor will she ever). It’s too late in her life to burden her with the reality that I have been this way since birth and since I am not transitioning, why go there?
Okay, you can move on to another blog now, but I am going to use my very, very small platform now to continue to hype the fabulous, the amazing, the witty, the fantastic band, The Offspring. This one, circa 2017, “Hit That”! A song written so fantastically about the baby daddy culture (if you fix one thing, fathers, all of the world’s issues would be close to correcting themselves). Lyrics here:
The winds of fortune
Don’t blow the same
She had to get up
And make a change
She had a kid now
But much too young
Her baby daddy is
Out having funHe said “Now I’m on a roll
With all the girls I know”
His baby mama
She ain’t so slow
He said “Now I’m on a roll
With all the girls I know”
I know you wanna Hit That
I know you wanna Hit That, Hit That
All of the world
Is getting way past me
Consequences are a lost party
That’s the way
That’s the way things goWhat was a family
Is now a shell
We’re raising kids now
Who raise themselves
Sex is a weapon
It’s like a drug
It gets around into that
Ground that he just dugShe said “Now I’m on a run
I’m chasing guys for fun”
Her baby daddy
Hey, he’s only one
She said “Now I’m on a run
I’m chasing guys for fun”
I know you wanna Hit That
I know you wanna Hit That, Hit That
Hey everybody’s getting way past me
Consequences are a lost party
That’s the way
That’s the way things goWell, you’d better wise up
Broken up, really such a shame
Better wind up
Take a chance, everything’s a game
And the good stuff
Broken up, nothing’s gonna changeWell,
The more he’s trying
The more he’s buyingHe said “Now I’m on a roll
The MF’n, the fabulous, The Offspring and the brilliant Dexter Holland
With all the girls I know”
His baby mama
Don’t need know
He said “Now I’m on a roll
With all the girls I know”
I know you wanna Hit That
I know you wanna Hit That, Hit That
All of the world
Is getting way past me
Consequences are a lost party
That’s the way
That’s the way things go
The song…enjoy!
7 Responses
Kandi ,
Considering the passing dilemma . It might help if I retell my story that happened today . Recently I gave a GG friend from my painting group a guided tour of my old home town , th tahnk me she paid for my lunch , at the time I asked if she would like to vist a large Elizabethan House on the outskirts of the town she said she would be delighted . So today we did the trip , I drove as I know the best route , we parked up and bought our admission tickets and then headed for a quick coffee . I nipped to the toilets ( women’s ) while she waited for the drinks . On entering the house we were stopped by a guide to inform the two ladies ( in his words ) about the meaning of some ceiling decorations . We explored in our own time , mingling with other visitors and stopping to chat to guides stationed at intervals . the house is quite familiar to me as I photographed many parts of it over the years during my photography days , so I was acting like a guide to my friend and sharing my experiences with her and the guides . At the end of the tour we headed for an orangery for lunch and then walked in the pale sunshine through the park to the lake , my heart missed a beat for a moment as we returned to the car park as I saw a guy with his wife I’d know for many years . I took a deep breath and said hello to them , he smiled and replied hello Terri , how are you ?
While this is all fairly normal to me , I hope it shows how we can pass into the realms of normality , at no point was there any suggestion of me being considered male .
This also extends to my mother , she is quite comfortable when we have days out and have lunch , she really doesn’t have a problem obviously if she did it would never happen .
Sometimes I feel the problem with passing is trapped within us and not a problem with others , I found it’s solved by rejecting the male side of you, if you go out as a woman then believe in being that woman , it has to come from within .
I often repeat points and discuss “passing” for those new to the blog and/or struggling with what many of us have already gone through or are going through. Passing literally never enters my mind. I don’t view all of this from a gender perspective, I am a student of human nature and so far, I have navigated these waters pretty well.
Kandi,
I realise my situation could be considered slightly different , with my separation and now divorce it allowed me the freedom to become Teresa . As it’s a lifestyle I never thought would happen I now guard it as carefully as I can , perhaps ” passing” isn’t the correct word , it’s possibly full acceptance now leading to normality . I’m happy with the gender I’ve adopted and I very rarely consider my transgender situation because it doesn’t come up in converstion anymore . That’s why I related my previous story , the person I met was an old friend and yet he saw me with one of my new GG friends , one thing I’m so relieved about is the retention of my name but in the female form .
I always find the passing question to be interesting. There is no doubt I wished I did
I wished I could be so cute and pretty and not big an bulky lol
But I am who I am but I’m no longer afraid of going out and just being me as you speak about Kandi most just don’t care they have there own business and life is just too short to worry what others think
This was a most interesting conversation thanks for sharing
The more we share, the more our sisters learn and understand, thanks Rach!
What a fascinating discussion and ‘Friend’ has all the hallmarks of someone I know quite well – am I thinking along the right lines?
There’s an interesting distinction that comes out of this conversation and that’s ‘passing’ v ‘acceptance’. The latter doesn’t imply the former, it just signifies that there’s either an element of doubt or there is no doubt and it doesn’t matter. After all, even putting trans people to one side, women come in all shapes and sizes, some are ultra feminine, others very masculine and society is used to that. Person A may meet person B (who is trans) and be uncertain as to their status so, for want of better words, gives them the benefit of the doubt but then go home to her husband and say ‘you know, there’s something about B that makes me think she’s trans’. Person B has been accepted but have they ‘passed’? Depends on how you define ‘passed’ and I’ll leave it open as a debateable point.
I am in total agreement with your general philosophy here. Go on any trans forum and it won’t be long before you encounter someone desperately looking for validation by posting a carefully curated photo and asking whether they pass or someone who’s paralysed by fear and doesn’t live a full life because they don’t pass. And sadly, ‘passing’ in many people’s eyes is synonymous with being facially attractive which just makes everything a whole lot worse. I’ve achieved far more after coming to the conclusion that I will never be mistaken for a genetic female but providing I respect the values and societal norms of those who are, most people won’t notice and those that do won’t care.
As Abraham Lincoln once said – You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
p.s. strangely enough, I was thinking about this very subject a couple of days ago and it’s ‘possible’ that there may be a contribution coming your way as a result!
Valuable insight Mandy, as always!