Ambitions

This post was written over four years ago. I will update it with what has actually transpired since then.

In a past post, Linda asked me if I had any ambitions of things to do, places to go. It probably ran a year or so ago. Time has moved on and I believe my answers may be a bit different now.

Previously the answer was, of course! It still is, but those ambitions have evolved somewhat. The reality is, well, we’ll see. We all have limitations and restrictions on what we would actually do in that completely selfish world. I am restricted by resources, time, responsibilities, a desire to NEVER take my wife’s acceptance for granted by taking advantage of it and of course, my biggest restriction: me and my ability to (not) pass. But let’s set those all aside for the moment.

What things would I want to do? I have been lucky enough to do many of the things I wanted to do, makeovers, photo shoots, bridal fittings, big events. While I would rather not have, I’ve been to court dressed. Been to the beach, a country club, pride events, on and on.

Since then, I have become a bridal model, walked New York and been in ten movies….

I just found out “Calendar”, the film with my most prominent role (still fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of the movie), is now streaming on Amazon. The photo immediately below is a recent candid photo I found of me on set. I was in the first few seconds of the film and featured in its trailer. The photo in the floral dress was my outfit for the second scene I was in, at Easter services.

I’d love to do a big photo shoot now that I know more about who I am and how I can do it better. I’d do anything to be a real bridesmaid in an actual wedding. I’d love to rid myself of all my facial and body hair. I would like a part time job as Kandi, which we’ll discuss further. But beyond that, I just want to continue having new and different experiences.

Photoshoots, check (see below). Bridesmaid remains a dream. Facial and body hair greatly diminished. Part time job? How about two and a full time job?

Where would I like to go? In the context of who I am, there is no real destination that I think about. Would I enjoy Vegas as Kandi? I would imagine so. Taking in a Broadway play? That would be fun. Walking the beach in a bikini, swimming up to the pool bar for a cocktail? Absolutely.

Done the beach bikini thing, but not to a pool bar.

I attended Keystone last year, meeting many that I had only come to know through the internet. It was great fun but the most disappointing thing for me was that most of the new connections I made there (those that didn’t exist prior), have fizzled out as they almost always do for me. Not in a bad way, just they didn’t sustain themselves. With the time I spend on this blog, my own follow-up hasn’t been that great, but I guess it’s the nature of the beast.

Been to Keystone a few more times, but had to cancel this year. And with a very few exceptions, I was not missed by anyone. That is exactly what I expected, if you are not there, you are not there. This is truly the nature of the beast.

In general however, I am very lucky to do what I have done and expect to continue to be able to do. Most of my personal ambitions lie outside of Kandi. I desperately want to qualify for the Boston Marathon. The runners’ Super Bowl. I’ve run over 130 races and have won exactly: 1! I mean, by the way, win the whole thing, not just my aged age group. Other ambitions are to retire before they lower me into the ground and giving my wife whatever she wants (she is not greedy, I just want her always comfortable).

A solid one-for-two here. Ran Boston (if you could term it “running”) in 2022 and will die working, unfortunately. Little side story. I just watched a very well made docuseries on the 2013 Boston Marathon Bombing. I have watched them before, but not since I actually participated. I found myself weeping during the actual bombing footage. I made a decision afterward. I plan (everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth) on running the full Cleveland Marathon this May and to do so principally without the usual training. I am just going to do it and am doing so for two reasons. One, I will allow myself to do so without real regard with my time (never did that in a competitive race, well over a hundred, before). And secondly, it will be a true test of mental toughness. Physically, traveling 26.2 miles is very doable, but mentally, we shall see.

Update since I rewrote the rewrite of this post: I have officially registered for the Cleveland (full) Marathon to be held this coming Sunday. I have trained very, very little. I have yet to run more than five miles at a time at all this year and not nearly as often as I used to. Why am I really doing this? Please (and I do mean please) look back at this post, one of the best days I could ever imagine as Kandi.

14 Miles

Here you see me with two amazing human beings. One of them, my friend Jim, is now undergoing cancer treatment. Jim trained me to be able to qualify for Boston. Saturday morning after Saturday morning, single digit temps, as many as 20 miles. Talking about life and ourselves all the time.

We ran a very weak five miles a number of months back, the last such run Jim did before his diagnosis. He struggled mightily through that run. I miss him. If he can go through what he is going through, I can suck it up to honor him. I will be running this for him. Last time I ran for someone (my Dad, who died a few days later) I qualified for Boston. This time, with Jim on my mind, I simply want to survive (I am overweight and not remotely close to marathon shape).

My biggest Kandi ambition remains my quest for a job as Kandi. I am blessed with what I have now in terms of time and my job situation as it relates to the work schedule. But it is as always day-to-day, as I am a subcontractor, gone in a moments notice for any reason. That work schedule feeds my Kandi time and more importantly allows me to train as I want. Lose some of the time, the training still happens, but Kandi shrivels up and dies. I’m seeking the two birds, one stone scenario as well as that experience of being a woman in the work place. There are possibilities, leads, ideas I am following, but it runs deeper than you read here and my doing so is complicated for anyone (taking a job under a name that is not my legal name, for one thing). I am strongly pursuing a career as a Volunteer Coordinator, trying to build a resume and references that would make my being hired plausible.

The pandemic killed the Volunteer Coordinator idea on the launch pad, but as you have read here, Kandi is indeed a working girl!

Anyway, the evolution continues. If we don’t continue to grow, evolve, where does that put us?

More yammering from me…..I love the give and take, discussion and conversations that happen here, like yesterday. And I am sure it’s because yours truly steps out of the way and allows others to have the floor. Thanks all and thank you Fly Me, Mandy!