This is the term I have coined and it describes me pretty well. I feel that I am a woman, but I will never transition as you have come to understand what that entails.
We can all play the “what if” game?
What if I was born as the woman I was meant to be? Then I would never have been privileged to be married to The Angel Known as My Wife. Two wonderful women (our daughters), both significant contributors to society, would not exist.
What if I transitioned? My best guess is that my wife would go along with it for me. But she would be burdened in a way she does not deserve. She works her tail off and her recent health issues haven’t made things any easier. It would be a completely selfish act, given the cards I have been dealt, by me. I do not feel that I have gender dysphoria. I am not at all unhappy being male. Frankly, I like it. Problem is, I LOVE being female. I do not feel wrong being the person as I was born. I just feel GREAT being Kandi. But as we have recently discussed, Kandi gets special privileges in life. She gets to do the very happy things, she has no real responsibilities.
So where does this leave me? Don’t really know right now. Because of some lucky breaks and years (and years and years) of networking for something, anything, to allow me to earn a living in a better way than the one that I had been, I have some freedoms in my life that didn’t exist before. Yes, I did not have a taxing work schedule, but that was happenstance and I would gladly work all the time if it meant allowing my wife to retire or at least go part-time. I sit here writing, on a Monday, a day I am usually in the truck. I am wearing comfy leggings, a cute cowlneck sweater, jewelry and light makeup. And I feel absolutely….me. Absolutely……happy. Absolutely…normal.
We just completed a weekend with lifelong friends. Involved in milestone events. A great friend’s only daughter’s wedding. The baptism of our best friend’s first grandchild. These circumstances might have one longing to be at that wedding, in a dress, but I became more reflective. I took a picture, me and three lifelong friends. I am the youngster of the group and we have known each other since, in one circumstance, grade school, the others in high school. So that is what we call a very long time. We have all aged significantly. One friend is battling some health issues. But we still give each other shit like we were still in high school. And I loved being that GUY. Loved it. Love those guys.
But first thing today (the day this is being written), the Monday after these activities, I got my workout in, did some work and then got into girl mode. I took a shower and updated a full body shave. I got dressed in my preferred clothing. I did a quick makeup job. I curled my hair and like how it looks right now. And I wrote this. And I love who I am, yet it is not the person I was this past weekend.
So I continue to “transition in place”. I continue to love being a guy and then love being feminine.
No one ever said life was easy. No one ever said life was fair. But I am blessed to have what I have, do what I do and love who I love. It will remain an unsolved mystery for now and I don’t expect anything to change anytime soon.
I do cherish the man I am and I do adore the woman I have become. In two days I will go into four days of total Kandi time. Not a single item of male clothing. All girl, all day. I will see my girl (note: not gurl, HATE that term) friends, I will dress for dinner out, dress for the drive there, dress for the gala, dress for just hanging out, dress for bed in my usual nighttime attire, I will see friends and make new friends. It will be wonderful and then the guy will take control for Thanksgiving week. And it will be what it will be. The many sides of me.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for. I hope you are able to be with loved ones, are able to enjoy the freedoms we have in this country and have an opportunity to reflect on this gift we have: femininity. It’s a special thing.
Next week you will read about those four days, including what I hope is something very special.
24 Responses
Hi Kandi,
I feel your piece makes two good points , the first is the truthful statenent about your level of dysphoria ( that’s what drives most of us ) . The other point is something my friend pointed out after showing me an article about transition today compared with ten or twenty years ago and that is the accpetance level . That goes with educating people about transgender issues , it’s out in the open now so most people are aware of it . That’s not to say all are on board but we do now have far my legislation in place to protect many of the minority communites .
Personally I’m amazed how much I’ve been allowed to integrate into society , going full time was a challenge but I’ve found society is far more on my side , people really do want you to succeed even if they don’t fullt understand it .
Things certainly are far better in that context, despite all the political rhetoric out there against trans issues. Thanks Terri!!
Kandi,
What a wonderful piece of writing. I feel VERY much the same and am grateful I have you to share those experiences with. Thanks BFF!
Sherry
I appreciate that Sher! Glad we have each other to go through this, making it joyful!
Very nicely put! As you know, I am wrestling with all of this at the moment but I can identify with so much of what you wrote. For any form of gender variance, there’s a lot going on that we don’t understand and probably never will. We search for answers that probably don’t exist and endlessly try to justify what we do but, in the end, isn’t living a happy life, however we choose to live it, all that matters? Is there any better justification for doing something than just feeling good about it and, more importantly, good about oneself?
And let’s face it, the expression ‘best of both worlds’ must have been written with you in mind!
Thanks Amanda, you are insightful as always. I am blessed to get away with what I get away with but I think it’s for a reason, part of a grander plan beyond my comprehension. Things are really happening that will be amazing!
this just about sums it up for me too.
about 10 years ago I read a piece in the wall street journal by a man who was a dept head at USC. The article was entitled :Caught Between Male and Female.
He felt that in the womb the mother misfires in the brain development area so that the brain is more like a female brain to a greater or lesser degree. If he was correct it surely would explain why all of us have GD but with a varying level of intensity.
I think I buy that theory. There definitely is a common thread. I was on a Zoom with a couple of fellow CDers yesterday. One of which I only met for the first time and we immediately felt like old friends because of all the commonalities we shared. Happy turkey day Em!
I agree with the sentiment you put here, yes I too am a women in many ways except the transition
As I’ve said many times I’m fluid for the most part where I also go full en fem several times a month.
Yes I am trans and I’m happy to do what I can to represent and support our community
Thanks Kandi
Rach, you are someone I am thankful to know!
“I do not feel that I have gender dysphoria. I am not at all unhappy being male. Frankly, I like it. Problem is, I LOVE being female. I do not feel wrong being the person as I was born. I just feel GREAT being Kandi.”
Kandi, I feel like this sentiment is something I share as well. My gender dysphoria is slight but not overwhelming. There is some though now that I cracked the egg. I am ok being a guy as it gets me through life. But I don’t “dude well.” I kinda feel like a fraud guy in many ways. Like I am putting on an act. I never understood why I felt that way until I realized I was Trans.
I am ok being a guy but love being a woman. And I am transitioning in place much like you which means I am not transitioning. I am a husband to my wife. Transitioning would lead to unnecessary complications. So for now, I just kinda live in 2 worlds and that is ok with me. The biggest thing for me is no more denial. No more guilty feelings and no more shame. Just recognizing that I am Christina on the inside and sometimes it shows on the outside too!
-Christina
Emily/Christina,
The thinking now is when conceived the embryo develops as a female , after so many weeks some mutate to become male . Some weeks later the brain develops to designate the gender to correspond with the sexual parts , the problem with transgender people is those instructions are confused . The outcome is dysphoria because our sexual parts don’t totally coincide with our brains . This situation is different for each of us so some have mild GD whereas others have a desparate need to totally align body and mind . The transgender is a wide spectrum and not black and white as it was first consider .
Christina, it’s remarkable how my brain just switches automatically depending upon my presentation. I have gone from competitive races or pickleball, gotten dressed and become a completely different person a few hours later. I also get phone calls to both of me and again, the switch just flips. I am thankful for all of your girls here!!
Kandi, I agree with you on so many levels.
Keep doing what you are doing and you will remain a happy girl.
Jocelyn
That my goal, except I will be stepping it up big time in 2023!
Kandi,
When you first shared that term with me, I thought it fit you well. I have my own way of saying the same thing; I say that I am undergoing a “partial social and medical transition”. It involves me living both a male and a female life. I love it, because I have retained my existing, wonderful (male) social relationships, but I have layered on top another group of exciting, fulfilling (female) social relationships. I feel real joy now (even if I never felt terribly unhappy before) and richly blessed, like you. I don’t mind the male me, and his privilege is something I don’t take for granted. Ah, but I crave to be able to present and be accepted as the woman I am even more. So, who knows where the next chapter of life will take me, or you, or any of the other lovely ladies here. We are all in the process of being created as human beings. What comes next is just part of the adventure we call life.
As long as you aren’t transitioning out (of this) place, please!
Lisa
Lisa, I ain’t goin’ nowhere! We are in the process of taking our community to another level! Stay tuned! 2023 will be a great year!!!
Kandi,
Like you I do not have gender dysphoria and I am not unhappy being a male. I am fine with being a male when necessary like tomorrow when I will be eating Thanksgiving dinner at a friend’s house or next week when I’m having dinner with a bunch of friends from where we all used to work, some of who I know for 35-40 yrs. I will thoroughly enjoy how the male me interacts with everyone but will otherwise spend the majority of my time as Fiona. Again like you, I absolutely LOVE being Fiona. It is my preferred way of going through life but I have no problem switching back & forth as necessary.
Happy Thanksgiving to you.
Fiona
Fiona, Thanks my dear for being so sweet! A little story, much like yours. This past weekend we had a wedding of a life long friend’s only daughter. I took a picture with three friends who I have know since before high school. I stood in the middle of the picture and took my usual Kandi stance until I realized men don’t stand that way. No body noticed except me and I adjusted before the photo was taken. I enjoyed a little chuckle to myself about that.
I can’t say I’m that far into any kind of transition. As the song says, “I enjoy being a girl”, yet I don’t feel that I have progressed much further than a few years ago, pre-pandemic. Losing almost all opportunity to get out has thrown the brakes on for me. We’ll see what happens in the future.
We’re all in our own unique situations. Happy Thanksgiving Tina!
Kandi: Thank you for such a heartfelt and sincere message. Your “epistle” and the responses indicate that there are so many variations on this theme we call transitioning. I may be in the 90% section of the choir but thanks to you and the others, I, too, feel I belong. Your posts and those of your guest bloggers are daily reading for me and although I may not reply as regularly, I want you to know how much I appreciate them.
Happy Thanksgiving from Canada
Donna
Thank you Donna, messages like this, and we get them frequently, always give me goosebumps. I simply cannot imagine, know where I was to where I am to where I need to be, we could build this type of community. Bless you dear!
Looking back and catching up this afternoon. I like the phrase “transitioning in place”. Like you, I do not expect to fully transition. Given my stage in life (late, but one never knows how late it may be!!), family considerations, and some apprehensions about the possible health consequences of HRT, I just don’t see full transition as an option. However, I am in semi-retirement, living alone in a rural resort community. This affords me a degree of anonymity and I have taken advantage of it to introduce myself to this community, selectively, as a transwoman. I am flexible about it, and don’t hesitate to shift back to male mode in situations where it seems either convenient or advisable. So I am indeed socially transitioning in this particular place. Its not perfect, but it ain’t bad.