This is the term I have coined and it describes me pretty well. I feel that I am a woman, but I will never transition as you have come to understand what that entails.
We can all play the “what if” game?
What if I was born as the woman I was meant to be? Then I would never have been privileged to be married to The Angel Known as My Wife. Two wonderful women (our daughters), both significant contributors to society, would not exist.
What if I transitioned? My best guess is that my wife would go along with it for me. But she would be burdened in a way she does not deserve. She works her tail off and her recent health issues haven’t made things any easier. It would be a completely selfish act, given the cards I have been dealt, by me. I do not feel that I have gender dysphoria. I am not at all unhappy being male. Frankly, I like it. Problem is, I LOVE being female. I do not feel wrong being the person as I was born. I just feel GREAT being Kandi. But as we have recently discussed, Kandi gets special privileges in life. She gets to do the very happy things, she has no real responsibilities.
So where does this leave me? Don’t really know right now. Because of some lucky breaks and years (and years and years) of networking for something, anything, to allow me to earn a living in a better way than the one that I had been, I have some freedoms in my life that didn’t exist before. Yes, I did not have a taxing work schedule, but that was happenstance and I would gladly work all the time if it meant allowing my wife to retire or at least go part-time. I sit here writing, on a Monday, a day I am usually in the truck. I am wearing comfy leggings, a cute cowlneck sweater, jewelry and light makeup. And I feel absolutely….me. Absolutely……happy. Absolutely…normal.
We just completed a weekend with lifelong friends. Involved in milestone events. A great friend’s only daughter’s wedding. The baptism of our best friend’s first grandchild. These circumstances might have one longing to be at that wedding, in a dress, but I became more reflective. I took a picture, me and three lifelong friends. I am the youngster of the group and we have known each other since, in one circumstance, grade school, the others in high school. So that is what we call a very long time. We have all aged significantly. One friend is battling some health issues. But we still give each other shit like we were still in high school. And I loved being that GUY. Loved it. Love those guys.
But first thing today (the day this is being written), the Monday after these activities, I got my workout in, did some work and then got into girl mode. I took a shower and updated a full body shave. I got dressed in my preferred clothing. I did a quick makeup job. I curled my hair and like how it looks right now. And I wrote this. And I love who I am, yet it is not the person I was this past weekend.
So I continue to “transition in place”. I continue to love being a guy and then love being feminine.
No one ever said life was easy. No one ever said life was fair. But I am blessed to have what I have, do what I do and love who I love. It will remain an unsolved mystery for now and I don’t expect anything to change anytime soon.
I do cherish the man I am and I do adore the woman I have become. In two days I will go into four days of total Kandi time. Not a single item of male clothing. All girl, all day. I will see my girl (note: not gurl, HATE that term) friends, I will dress for dinner out, dress for the drive there, dress for the gala, dress for just hanging out, dress for bed in my usual nighttime attire, I will see friends and make new friends. It will be wonderful and then the guy will take control for Thanksgiving week. And it will be what it will be. The many sides of me.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. I have much to be thankful for. I hope you are able to be with loved ones, are able to enjoy the freedoms we have in this country and have an opportunity to reflect on this gift we have: femininity. It’s a special thing.
Next week you will read about those four days, including what I hope is something very special.