Someone much smarted than I said that the greatest opponent one must conquer in their lives is themselves. Amen to that!
Everything I write about here I have either experienced or intellectually believe to be the truth or at least my perception of the truth. I do believe there is great joy in being Kandi. I have experienced that joy. I do believe that there is nothing wrong with me because there is nothing wrong with me. I have helped raise two productive citizens in our society and care deeply and have provided for my wife. I am a solid friend and brother and am now helping my parents, now just my mother, through their senior years and the pandemic. I have certainly made mistakes, which I have chronicled on the old blog. But it’s not those mistakes that eat away at me.
It’s Kandi. Despite having wonderful experiences almost every time I get dressed and go out, that little voice creeps in. It may be as I am cleaning up and putting things away, a process that I despise. Not necessarily the fact that I am returning to my male self, just the whole damn process! In respect to my wife (I have never been asked to do this), I try to keep much of my Kandi things out of sight. They are in a closet or a drawer, but I do not leave them lying around. It’s simply more time added to the almost two hours of prep time to even get out the door! Time spent becoming Kandi or putting away Kandi, not being Kandi or even myself (some one I frankly am okay with).
That voice creeps in on an off day (non-dressing day) when I have to undertake the body maintenance it takes, daily or very frequently, to be able to become a woman, properly (as I define and feel is proper). That little voice when I am out dressed and I get a phone call or text that requires me to lie about what I am doing.
I can very easily intellectualize these feelings and the need to allow myself to be me, but then I get some (I’ll be a lady here) a-hole who feels the need to follow me on Flickr with his page full of pictures of his genitals. What am I doing in that world where that is even possible?
When my wife has to drag herself to work for six consecutive days and on two of those days I was out, dressed and completely blissful. And I cannot share that joy with her because that joy is only something I can feel internally, it’s just not something I can slice up and pass around.
I try and be an ambassador for other ladies like myself, yet I still get annoyed at the splinters within our so-called “community” and I question why I even put myself into that grouping of people.
Believe me, I can list a million great things about who I am and what I have accomplished as Kandi, but the battle in my head rages on. That battle previously never allowed even the idea of a Kandi to exist, so there is progress. But now it’s turned and makes me feel selfish for letting her flourish while keeping her a secret from those that knew me before she was “conceived”. And the answer is not as simple as telling the secret as the downside risk greatly outweighs the upside.
Just a small glimpse into what I am sure we all go through, that fight with the most ruthless competitor we will ever battle: ourselves.
Dad, I guess you now can see me for all that I am and I am sure you are even prouder than before. I love and miss you! Rest in peace. I got your back and will make sure Mom wants for nothing and is comfortable here before she joins you some time in the future.
I had to say that “out loud” and this seemed to be the best way to do that. I have been touched by all the prayers and concern for me. I love you all. The reality hit me today (which was yesterday in real time) at my Dad’s calling hours that my life as Kandi is going to be diminished going forward as I now have added responsibilities helping my Mom long term and definitely in the short term, we have a lot of things to work through both with regard to her finances and living arrangements. I have to get rid of a car. She has cases upon cases of home dialysis solution to get rid of. I can go on and on and I know many have had similar or more difficult situations, so I am not looking for sympathy here. Just a warning, Kandi’s Land may have to morph a bit until things stabilize. Ladies, help me out here. If you have something to say, say it here! Help me build upon this loving and supportive community.
I have no answers for you, just support. I struggle with similar thoughts as you do. None of this is easy. I get really frustrated when I cannot be me, sometimes for many months at a time.
What keeps me sane is reading blogs and seeing pictures of wonderful people like you and Stana and Michelle and Julie and Dee and Sherry and Lisa and Tina and Stephanie and Alison and Katie and ….. And hopefully my occasional posts on Kandi’s Land.
There are lots of beautiful woman available to support you. As the song goes “Lean on me …”
Kandi, first let me give my condolences on your Dad’s condition. Losing a parent no matter how old they are is sometimes a overwhelming circumstance. My family has always been the most important part of my life. I have been truly blessed with my wife and children and my ever growing grandchildren.
My femme side has also been a important part of my life. As I get older it seems to become more and more a bigger part of my life. As regards to that the word “Balance ” is the keyword in my life. I have had , like all of us , had problems in my life. My thoughts on them was that , that every problem has a solution that solution may be not be what you want but it’s the solution. Also I try to have a optimistic attitude to the future. Sometimes in these crazy times today that is hard, but it usually works out.
Thank you for your posts.
Thank you so much Terri! I love the thoughtfulness of so many.
Oh, I am a leaner (love Bill Withers!). Thanks my dear!!
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Kandi my dear there is no doubt we all go through these feelings of self Indulgence into our fem side, I’m certain had I not been so overwhelmed by needing to be Rachael I would still be married so yes it can be difficult
As far as dealing with the surviving parent I do fulling understand , I went through this about a year and half ago. My sister who knows very little of my fem side has been the one who’s done the hard work for my dad but still I’ve been needed for certain things so yes it’s a tough time indeed. I wish you well and hey just put on a pretty pair of panties and know at some point Kandi will be out an about
Love you Rach
Thanks Rach! This is one of those things where I just need to get it off my chest and plow forward. Tomorrow is a new day, just a bit different than they were before.
I’m so sorry to hear about your dad’s passing. My dad passed away a few weeks ago at 92. I recently was thinking that now he fully sees me as I am, and I’m comfortable with that. I see that you are thinking along the same lines. Take care of your mom, she needs you now.
Grace, what a beautiful comment and thought. Mom has my undivided attention, be assured of that! Thank you dear for your love and support.
My wife and I wish to pass on our condolences to you and your family. Losing one’s parent is one of those things in life that is difficult and sad.
However, since my bride and I know you well enough from our time together at a Keystone event, we know that you will unselfishly sacrifice whatever you must to demonstrate love and support for your mother.
As you requested, we will go light on the sympathy but heavy on offering our support, love, and friendship, as we remain sensitive to your needs.
Over the years you have provided really great advice and friendship to those who know you and read your blog posts regularly. Just as you have brought wisdom and fun to your fans, it’s now time for your fans to step forward to returning those things to you as best we can.
In spite of your occasional pessimism, I believe you will come to understand that you have many friends and fans. We do care about you as we share the sadness of your loss. Hang in there friend. This too shall pass.
Having first come to know you and the Mrs. in the real world, your words touch me deeply.
Trust me, I’m good but things are going to change. Less Kandi time and I’ll work with what I get.
Without boring you with details, I was able to let our girls understand that blood is blood. You do what you have to for blood.
Love you two!
Don’t i know that battle. Being old enough to recall the 60’s comic strip,, it brought to mind Pogo’s immortal words; “We have met the enemy, and he is us!”
That pretty much sums up the internal battle between the person I think I should be and the person I actually am.
You are a Very Brave and loving lady.
Life will always bless you .
That might be the nicest thing anyone has every said to me. I am beyond thankful! Thanks Bobbie!!