A re-post and rewrite worth reconsideration.
This was originally written on the old blog with any updates in early 2022. My views have not changed although some personal circumstances have.
I dug deeply into the old mailbag (okay, there was only one “letter” in there) for some Q & A with my friend, Linda (she happens to be a doll!). She wondered about if I would like to meet someone to share outings with. I thought I’d spend a little time discussing my desires to spend time with others like myself. My comments below are not without significant thought and personal experience. Please read them completely before drawing any conclusion. They are not meant to be flip or without sympathy.
In general, I prefer not specifically spending time with others like myself. My desire is to spend time with people (regardless of gender identity, sexual preference, interests, clothing, etc.) that share a similar world view, with whom I have commonalities. People I like being with, whomever those people or persons may be. Just because I share an interest in woman’s clothing with someone doesn’t mean we have anything in common. I also share an interest in running, but do not wish to spend time with all runners. You get the point.
Allow me to site a number of experiences that have allowed me to reach this conclusion. I attended a number of GNOs (girls night outs) fairly locally early on in Kandi’s life. After the first time, I never really enjoyed them much. First off, folks like us seem to be creatures of the night. I am not. The GNOs would start at 9:00, I’d get there and be ready to leave about 9:30. We are like Baskins Robbins, 31 different flavors. I have my rules, as you well know. Be smart. Many at these GNOs were not. Drunk, careless, selfish, you name it. No everyone, but many. Yes, you would find this in any large gathering of people, which I tend to avoid as well. Be appropriate. Many there were dressed like teenage hookers, in clothing that had no hope of fitting them. Heels longer than my legs. Many were there for sex. Not my scene. Be confident. Many were there solely to moan and whine. Too much complaining about spouses or ex’s. I was there to have fun, mostly I did not. I did meet quite a few great people, but due to circumstances, any real friendships became unsustainable.
I once attended a weekend “Gala”. Please understand, I am not a 24/7 girl and have zero desire to be one. I love my Kandi time, but like a few cocktails, it has its limits. The entire weekend, I was looking forward to heading home. Maybe I’m just an old fogey, but I simply did not enjoy it. It happened to be Halloween weekend (my least favorite “holiday”, from early in my life, I have despised costumes, go figure). If I saw one more French maid outfit, I may have had to pull my eyeballs out. I have discovered that in any gathering of us, the larger the group (regardless of comportment, attire, behavior, etc.) we become the center of attention. I prefer my ability to freely move about without unwarranted negative attention.
I have subsequently gone back to this gala, some five years later. Me, I am different, more experienced. I loved it! But then again, it wasn’t Halloween, so the attendees were much more appropriately dressed. Plus, admittedly, my confidence level in myself was decidedly higher.
In my early days, I tried to host a couple of shopping parties. I got a local consignment store to open after hours, staff the place and provide wine and cheese so we could shop, relax and have fun. I got many interested, but a lot of “sounds like fun, I’ll let you know” or “wish I could do that but…”. Zero commitments, two cancelled parties. It’s much like herding cats, very difficult. Circumstances again. The nature of the beast.
I once made what I thought was a good friend. She and I spent quite a bit of time talking, texting, emailing, sharing, having met at the aforementioned GNO. We set up outings to dine and/or shop. Not once, not twice, but five consecutive times she stiffed me. Each time either at the last minute or without communicating with me. Circumstances always the excuse. I understand that, but then don’t make the commitment or at least give me some notice. Once I drove an hour early to a function to have dinner with her only to get stiffed. Maybe she is not a good person or just thoughtless, but I had it after that.
I have a friend, to this day, that I would do anything for. She introduced me to my church (my pre-COVID church), for which I will be eternally grateful. We talk frequently and chat always when at church. We share experiences and stories. But…. She is a local businessman. We set up a shopping day at a large holiday flea market. We meet, walk in and within five minutes she turned tail and left because she saw someone who knew her from work. Her voice is a dead giveaway (much like James Earl Jones), so she had to run. I completely understood, but again was left alone at a time I had planned on spending with a friend. I actually made a bunch of new friends that afternoon, which was the beginning of my realization that I was better off flying solo.
Linda posed this question: “Do you know anyone else like Kandi but close enough to go out together?” My friend, referenced in the above paragraph, is it. I also have good friends, Dee and Sherry. Dee, however lives a good six hours away and Sherry is limited in her ability to get out, discussed here as well. She is in a DADT relationship and has a public profession that requires constant vigilance while out, limiting where we can go and her ability to simply relax. Things have evolved in a more positive direction regarding her circumstances and comfort while out, but it’s still like piecing together a puzzle to get together. It’s not that I haven’t found like-minded ladies to spend time with, it’s just that they are either generally geographically dispersed or have limiting circumstances.
Lastly, I’ll use my Flickr experiences to make a point, referenced above. As you may know, I have a Flickr account where I post pictures, all identified as a crossdresser. I get followers. Not a lot, but a few. I easily have to block 3 out of 5 possible followers because they post pictures of their or someone else’s genitalia, pictures of sex acts, photos of their crotches or behinds in panties, you again get the point. Just because we share an interest in women’s clothes does not mean we have anything in common.
So I go it alone frequently. I attempt to be “mainstream” in my adventures. This was all a revelation to me, but I tried. I am who I am, I want what I want, a positive and uplifting experience. Acceptance. Joy. Finding what I can do and not complaining about what I cannot. Being selfless, not selfish. I despise derogatory phrases like “gurl” and “bitches”, especially when coming from one of my own, so to speak. I simply want a few hours being a mature woman who spends time with like-minded people, centered around something that interest me. I also feel that the more of us who participate in “mainstream” activities or outings, the easier it will get for those to follow. If nothing else, I feel that with this visibility and this blog, I am doing a service to our community. At least, I hope so.
All that said, I’d love to find a girlfriend to hang with, share a meal or a drink, do some shopping. But that friend has proven to be elusive and may not exist out there for me. We’ve talked here about circumstances and by seeking to go out with another of us, you accept not only your circumstances, but theirs as well for the evening. The short answer to the question is yes, I’d love a friend like myself, problem is, that person may not exist for me.
Sorry for the rather long explanation and thank you Linda for sparking me on a subject!
17 Responses
Kandi
Great post and very thought provoking. I think we all have a duty to give something back to the community, whether it’s gentle encouragement to a girl taking her first fledgling steps, sharing experiences or just telling someone that you’ve been through exactly the same as they’re experiencing. But we have to look after ourselves first. None of us asked for this and those who are able to turn it to their advantage are truly amazing people but that doesn’t mean becoming an unpaid counsellor or provider of entertainment. We have to be in control and relinquishing that control to be everybody’s friend or, as I found out the hard way, fretting because our photos no longer get the ‘likes’ they used to can slowly eat away at us.
I think your strategy here is absolutely right. No one could ever accuse you of not giving everything you have to the furthering of this community and its cause but, first and foremost, it has to be to your benefit and avoided if it’s ultimately going to be detrimental. There are many self-centred people in this community, lapping up the adulation and giving little or nothing back in return but the true stars are the unsung heroines who care enough about others to nurture & encourage them and who care enough about themselves to be able to steer their life in a way that enables them to give to others without compromising their own happiness and wellbeing. You, Kandi, are one of those people!
Amanda
One day will be Judgement Day for me and hopefully, I’ll squeak through!
Thanks Amanda!!
It’s now over four years since I wrote that comment and this post resonates with me more than ever. It would be another 18 months before I properly set foot in the outside world and that was with another CDer. We are online friends, knew that we shared a common interest outside CDing and were going to be in the same town going to the same event. I had 101 excuses to turn down her suggestion to meet and she had 101 put downs for those excuses. I ended up having a lovely afternoon with her, primarily because she is a genuinely nice person. What that afternoon taught me is that the population in general has no problem with trans people and the following year I started going out properly with most of my experiences being documented in posts here.
That meeting obviously went well but perhaps the biggest source of disappointment is finding out that beneath the soft veneer of a seemingly nice person lie traits that I find distasteful (and I know for a fact that it goes both ways and some of my views are distasteful to others which is fine – we’re all entitled to opinions and beliefs) which then gives the dilemma of whether to continue the friendship at arm’s length or just allow it to fizzle out.
Notwithstanding the enjoyment I experienced meeting my online friend, every single outing since has been solo out of choice. It suits my personality fine and I can be seen and interacted with as an individual, not as part of a group which may or may not be doing justice to what it means to be us. I’ve also found that being solo gives me a closer connection with those I interact with than I think would be the case if I was one of a group – would the waitress have singled me out to compliment my outfit if several of us had walked into the hotel restaurant together? As a ‘solo flyer’ I can use the uncertainty as to where I exactly sit on the trans spectrum to my advantage and I’m convinced that all of the lovely experiences I’ve had when out are because I’ve been alone, not despite it.
As usual you touched a nerve here. While I am relatively new to this, I am discovering that going out solo is a very enjoyable experience. It may sound crazy but I just love going to our nearby outdoor mall and window shopping. I was so reluctant to even go out until I began reading your comments (and now watching your wonderful videos) about being less concerned with ‘passing’ and more concerned with ‘blending’. All I know is going out and about has become a pleasant experience and doing it solo ain’t half bad!
I’ve had my skeptics who have flown solo and had wonderful experiences that would not have happened otherwise!
Don’t you think the old “There is safety in numbers” thing is the biggest reason for this? Unfortunately, I think it negates the whole idea of self-sufficiency, self- confidence, and self-worth. I fear it can be used as a crutch in our journey. Oh well, to each her own! But now at least I feel enlightened!!!
😀
Well, I can’t really comment here because I have never been out publicly, but I have used this analogy here before. It again seems appropriate.
I feel like the younger sister listening in on my bigger more experienced sisters, so I can learn from them. My inner self is growing as a woman. I sense that. I welcome that. I am that woman. (as mentioned previously, I am not a crossdresser; I am a woman who just happens to be trans)
My time is coming. I see it as inevitable. Someday others besides my on line sorority will meet Charlene. Right now I am in class. You all are my teachers. When, to be sure no longer is it “if” I introduce Charlene to the world at large I will have you all to thank with a big hug and probably genuine tears of joy.
Blessings,
Charlene
And THIS is why Kandi’s Land exists!
This is how I look at it:
1st of all at my age I have the usual health problems but I despise getting together with others my age listening to a litany of health problems.
In the same vein I do “our thing” to experience life as a woman as much as possible.So I try to go places which have nothing to do with my lifestyle. I have found nice upscale spots with appropriate music and after a while you get to know others and they begin to accept you and/or never had a clue in the first place . And that kind of activity makes you much more comfortable in your own skin
Love how we spread the gospel! Thanks Em!
Emily, that sounds like a wonderful way to do this life of ours. You write, “to go places which have nothing to do with my lifestyle.” I love that. My dream living as Charlene is to relate to others and be related to by others simply as the nice lady next door.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Thank you for sharing that thought. It is so in tune with my own heartstrings.
Kindly,
Charlene
Kandi,
This is such a good and thought-provoking article that really gets to the CD or trans experience. I have always struggled with two things one is how to fit in with other crossdressers or trans people and secondly, how should i act when out dressed – am I representing a hidden and expanded part of me or am I “acting” in a feminine role.
Around 20 years I pushed open the closet doors and attended a CD group near to my then home. It was an experience I didn’t feel comfortable with and I wasn’t sure how I should present – should i be mascline me in a dress or adopt a hyper feminine manner. The group were a lot older than me and was quite established, I found it strange being there, particularly with some acting the the hyper feminine ways you describe, although I did find in easier and more comfortable talking to the two wives who attended. This experience pushed me back into the closet with only the odd bit of hotel dressing and early walks to make do.
With my marriage breaking down and starting a new relationship I didn’t really think too much about it other than how to explain the women’s clothes and shoes in my apartment. Before deciding to get more serious my girlfriend wanted to have a open conversation about our lifes and secrets. To my surprise she was cool with crossdressing and was more than curious. What she couldn’t understand was why I had not taken it further and gone out and developed a female personae.
So from feeling uncomfortable with going out I now go out a couple of times a year with her and most of the times with a group of 3 other supportive friends.
How did this happen. Firstly I think the Covid lock downs at the start of our relationship enabled us to discuss things and also try our outfits and looks and plan what we would do when we could actually go out. My partner was really supportive and picked great places to go and things to do,. Also the other girls we go out with were cool – really got into to Tanja and as well as providing great tips on clothes and posture just treated me as a friend and one of the girls. So from initially worrying about how to acts, am I being too femme or not enough femme, and being conscious of my posture I now find each time I am out it just feel natural and me. I am not pretending or acting just being comfortable as Tanja.
Last time we were out in Antwerp I was even chatted up by an elderly Cuban guy in one bar and in another bar had a long chat with a female couple.
To finish I would like to thank you for Kandi’s Land as it is the only space online I can really identify with, and I love your positive attitude and reading the stories of the other girls going out and doing regular things in regular places amongst regular people.
Tanja
“I would like to thank you for Kandi’s Land as it is the only space online I can really identify with, and I love your positive attitude and reading the stories of the other girls going out and doing regular things in regular places amongst regular people.”
I could be given no greater gift than this comment!
God bless you, Tanja and thank you for your kindness!!!
🥲
Kandi, I just want to thank you for your site. I read it every day. I am not a good writer. Its hard to explain how much your site helps me. Hopefully we will meet again at Keystone. I wasn’t able to attend this year.
Thanks Again
Terri
That means the world Terri! I will do my very best to see you there again this year.
Kandi,
I’m sorry I missed this the first time round , while I agree with every word you wrote we also have to accept that social groups serve a very useful purpose . I’ve had ” Bitch” thrown at me on more than one occasion but at the time I went along with it as I was learning as much about myself as discovering what made the others tick . I admit I had fun but lets make it clear the rules of the various groups were no fetish and no hook ups because the meetings were about socialising while dressed however inappropriate they looked . To me it was like attending a college , I took the course and learnt so much about the rights and wrongs of crossdressing and what it meant to be transgender , I graduated and moved on , I rarely see those still in college who choose to resit the course without any intention of graduating .
I know the feeling of arranging time out with others only to find they had no intention of backing the thought with the deed , OK I made the tough decision I backed up my needs with action , after a while you get tired of the same old excuses from others because they won’t commit , I tried to understand but sometimes I can’t help feeling I’ve just been used .
If we didn’t have the large piece of water between us I would gladly love to be a genuine female companion , maybe one day .