She Knows

A brilliantly written essay by my great friend, Chynna Angel Douglas.

It was posted on her Facebook page about a year ago and reprinted here with her permission.

She knows.

If your blood runs cold with these two words, you’ll know what I’m talking about.

Maybe it’s six words: Oh my God, she fucking knows.

But how? Through a series of changes we made in some hosting accounts and emails she received a hacked email alert.

But then fraud alerts kept happening and she finally said – out loud – “Someone named Chynna Angel Douglas hacked an email account. They’re a crossdresser and they uploaded a photo.”

She said. My name.

It came straight out of her mouth, over her lips and right into every fear and nightmare I’ve ever had. I played it off with disinterest and casually left the room to delete posts, pictures, everything until I realized the damage was done.

When I came back into the room I knew she knew that photo was me. But we both quietly went about our night – a sleepless night for both.

In the morning after the typical tumult at the start of the day and calm had settled in, she asked for a conversation and confirmed she knew. She saw the photos, the posts, the accounts, the YouTube vids. All of it.

I was prepared. My sleepless night was spent writing a three-page letter all about Chynna, my history of crossdressing since adolescence, my first full makeover, all the going out, the friends I’ve made and more. I had never told her because it all pre-dated our marriage. I didn’t want to be a crossdressing husband. Since I first met her all I’ve wanted to be more than anything was the best husband I could be.

I had resolved long ago not to tell her and as long as Chynna never lived again, it wouldn’t be something to hide. But digital Chynna had nowhere to run.

I had read about telling one’s wife and I knew it was important to be honest and reveal everything at once. The letter was a way to make sure I didn’t leave anything out. If you’re considering telling your own partner, I highly encourage writing a letter and reading it. Remember to apologize and, as in any situation, put your partner first and make sure you’re considering the pain this might cause.

My wife practiced her words for the conversation and she immediately put me at ease. She felt most badly that I didn’t feel like I could tell her. She was … ok with it. The biggest part of me felt like she would be. We both strongly believe in the Pursuit Of Happiness, which seems like it’s being forgotten more and more by some these last few years.

Anyway … she had immediate questions that demanded definitive answers:

Are you gay? No.

Are you bi? No.

Are you trans? No.

Have you ever worn my clothes? No.

And then one I really liked:

Do you like doing the cooking and laundry because it makes you feel ‘more like a girl’. No.🙂(I just like taking care of things that need done.)

After the conversation we fell into our regular rhythm and a few days later I followed up to see if she had any more questions. She did not and admitted she hadn’t thought about it as much as she thought she would and just wanted a heads up if I did want to go out again.

The door is open for Chynna again to get dolled up and go out on adventures. She even offered to do my make-up, which is very sweet, but would also be very weird. She doesn’t know this yet but maybe some shopping help someday. We’ll see.

So … for fifty years I’ve been keeping this secret. Turns out she’s been the real keeper all along.

Read about our recent outing here!

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6 Responses

  1. Kandi,
    It always amazes me what women fear when they discover the truth . I’m sure most of us have faced the basic questions as posed by Chynna’s wife :- my answers wpould be :- Am I gay ?- no , am I bi ? – no , ami transgender ? – yes , have you worn my clothes ? – yes . Finally I admitted I liked doing the domestic chores , I felt it was only fair as she became the bigger money earner , while she disliked those jobs she also resented me taking her place ( as a woman ) .

    I totally agree , write a letter even if you don’t use it because you can clearly see the facts , if she does read it she will appreciate you have taken the trouble to explain your needs . She may not understand it , this is why we owe it to ourselves to discover the facts , why we do what we do , it’s not useful to shrug your shoulders and claim you don’t know . I would also take care not to refer to it as a hobby , your wife and family may find it insulting besides it also suggests you could stop tomorrow , if that was the case this situation wouldn’t have arisen .

    The aftermath is really the tricky one , the truth cannot be undone but sometimes moving foward feels impossible to achieve . The trap not to fall into is never make promises you can’t keep , no matter how hard to accept the lies and deceit have to end , all the cards are on the table , can we move forward as a couple and if not what are the choices open to us ?

    I hope it does work out for Chynna , but she mustn’t push too hard , life has changed for them both , sometimes it’s one step forward and two back .

    1. Hi Teresa …

      Thank you for such a thoughtful response! I had closeted Chynna 20 years ago and it would have stayed that way if not for accidental discovery. I was content with my experiences and felt I had gotten everything I could from going out long ago. But when opportunity knocks … : )

      I read the letter I wrote to her out loud. The letter was very helpful in keeping me on track and making sure I said what I wanted. It was far too important to just wing it. My wife is all that matters to me. After one year, it’s a really become just a small part of our marriage, which is not what I was expecting.

      Chynna is like a third housemate that goes away on business for weeks at a time. : )

      For us, we’ve only moved forward and while I have carte blanche to do whatever I want, whenever I want (as does she), I always seek her advice, approval and make sure she’s OK each time I want to venture out. Every marriage is similar but also vastly different. It’s similar to crossdressing in that sense. We all do basically the same thing, but no two of us for the exact same reasons. It adds to the confusion, mystery and fun of it all.

      The only advice I’d give to others is to write that letter and make sure it says everything you want to say. If nothing else, it’ll keep you calm in a difficult situation. Your responses may vary but here on the “other side” it’s been all positive and added some fun to our marriage. xoxo, Chy

      1. Chynna,
        I’m so glad it is working out for you , I wanted more than anything to share with my wife , I knew it was making me a better person but sadly it wasn’t the person my wife could live with . We both knew the gap would only get wider so we chose to go our separate ways we were both free to live our lives without the shadow that hung over us . Since then I’ve been full time as Teresa , I can’t believe it’s almost seven years .

  2. Chynna, I am currently taking a break from contributing here but as your post covered something I feel very strongly about, I’m temporarily returning from my sabbatical.

    Your piece, as Kandi said, was brilliantly written and, in particular, I’m glad that things turned out so well for you. Sadly, though, many leave a trail of destruction through clumsy attempts to confess (voice of experience) and it’s often not helped by the confessor dumping everything onto their wife out of the blue and then berating her for not being supportive. Often, and it certainly was in my case, the bigger crime is keeping it a secret for so long and it can take far longer for trust to be rebuilt than for the CDing to be accepted.

    There’s one point you made that I would challenge, though, and that’s the question of how much to disclose. In an ideal world, your point about telling all is a no brainer but I have known individuals who’ve made an already bad situation a lot worse by giving their wives chapter and verse during the initial confession. Your point about being honest is absolutely right, though, and what worked for me was being open and honest when asked but not offering unsolicited details about a side of me that Mrs A really doesn’t want to know about.

    And I also endorse the letter idea Kandi’s ‘Open Letter’ is a great starting point and it worked well for me when I had to confess all for a second time (long story – see my ‘back catalogue’ of posts here for details).

    As I said, though, a great post and it’s always nice to hear about wives who can take a more supportive view than most are able to muster.

  3. I used a letter to “try” to explain myself also. My wife was accepting at first. I told my 2 daughters a few months later and everything was fine until my oldest turned on me. Once that happened everyone turned on me. I tried to live under the radar for a few more years but the damage was done….I was a stranger living in my own house. We eventually sold the house and are in the process of the divorce. Do I have any regrets? Of course! Was there a different path I could have tried? Yes…but that path would have left grief and so many more unanswered questions for them. My gf once told me “there is a price to be paid” this journey is not for the weak for sure.

    1. Diane,
      You don’t mention the age of your daughters but I’m sure eventually the dust will settle , OK it can never go back to how it was . My son is OK with me and my daughter fully on board so divorce for me didn’t mean I lost so much of my previous life . I was also lucky with my divorce as we ageed a 50-50 split so we could both buy new homes for ourselves .

      I hope it all goes well for you but please feel frre to Email me if you want to chat more .

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