This is an old essay I am bringing back with any updates necessary.
I’m going to vent a bit here. Why do others in our community (I am specifically addressing the CD community) think that telling some one that they “pass” or are “passable” is a compliment? I do recognize they are trying to be kind and/or supportive, which is obviously admirable. But when you tell someone in a headless photo shot they are passable, you kind of lose credibility. In my most humble opinion, the best compliment is a compliment that one woman would give another. What a lovely dress! I love your makeup! Passing………not part of that lexicon.
Pass what? Is this a test? Life is not pass/fail. If passing were the sole criterion, Kandi would get an F. But being who she is, she gets an A (still working on that extra credit).
Understand, pictures lie. They all do. They don’t always show relative height, body frame, thickness, hand size (in my opinion, the easiest tell we all have), musculature, body movement, mannerisms and of course, the voice. The face is full of tells. I can take picture after picture that do in fact look like I am a woman. My significant catalog of hugs and compliments is evidence that I do not pass. These were received because I am proudly me, proudly out, proudly trying to fool no one, owning it. Yes, I am stylish, yes, I comport myself in a feminine manner, but we all have an endless list of tells. That cannot be denied, and I understand that outliers do exist. If you think you do not (excepting those actively changing their bodies with HRT or plastic surgery) you are fooling yourself. Go to a group gathering and just look at the man hands. Those cannot be altered in any way. That was what struck me most at Keystone, the meat hooks I saw.
The ultimate compliment for me is to be told I am pretty, stylish, beautiful, look great in that dress, any compliment one would give a woman. The most meaningful compliment, and I get it frequently, having just gotten it again at the Plexus Winter Soiree, is how well I am put together. That means how coordinated every item I am wearing or have put on and how it all looks great together. The sooner you accept you will never pass, the sooner you can begin crafting a life doing this well and with general public acceptance. Honesty and self awareness go a long way in this regard. Knowing I don’t pass doesn’t preclude me from striving to make the best possible feminine presentation, it just keeps me grounded in reality. And in this day and age, being real is also the key to staying safe.
My favorite compliment (which I laugh at) is a picture of a number of us and someone says you all look so passable. Regardless of how completely attractive we may be, put a bunch of us together and the sheer body sizes give us away. Yes, woman can be tall or thick. But outside of the WNBA, tall and thick women generally don’t necessarily congregate together in these types of numbers.
I thank those of you that think I pass. What I do is take a very good picture imitating a woman and then walk out the door and enjoy all the goodness life has to give. Tom Brady passes, I enjoy my life in the real world.
Why do I bring up things like this? I do so for those new to all of this, for those struggling with one thing or another and because we have to say something 365 days a year! While every word written here may not apply to you, many do and they can help you look at something from a different angle.
Many related to the post written by Nora this week on Linda Mills.
Check out Linda’s blog, which is now also posted on our “Links” page.
10 Responses
As always when I read about passing this is spot on.
Most of us do not, now as you say mostly CDs are part of this but with that said I have seen t girls on HRT that do very nicely looking very much like a cis women but yes most of us defiantly have tells for sure
Nothing more important than being honest with ourselves. Love you Rach!
Your photo shoot looks so fun! You’re lovely
That is awfully sweet of you!!
You can fool some of the people some of the time, but all of the people all of the time? Not me — not even close. But the acceptance…that is the honey in my tea!
Thank you for a wonderful reminder, Kandi (and I hope I have never said that to anyone!)
Lisa, you are my girl conscience, so I appreciate that!
sorry-I cannot agree with your generalization that “you” meaning us do not pass. Some of us do pass some of the time.Believe me-you can tell if someone reads you. I have a friend who runs a business serving women on a personal basis. I took a lot of courage for her to do this but believe me she passes most of the time (no hormones ,surgery etc) & she is not full time
The key is that most people see what they expect to see. They are not looking at your hands etc. So if you are blessed by being not totally testosterone maimed and really work at it you can pass some of the time Personally my goal is to be as feminine as possible and that could lead to passing
Emily,
We can agree to disagree, that’s what makes the world go around. But the important part is we both are being ourselves in the world.
I will say, I have literally been out about a thousand times, I have literally been in front of tens of thousand of people in multiple thousand places. I am mainstream almost exclusively, so I do have a pretty good read on things. And I have yet to have a single negative experience. Your experience may well be different and there are unicorns out there (which I acknowledge), but I stand by my view on this subject.
Thank you Emily for being you!
Kandi
Kandi,
I appreciate it is an old post but still as relevant as ever .
Perhaps the subject of group gatherings is a diffent subject but I get your drift .
Do I PASS ? Well I find this an amusing question if you take a look at my passport or driving licence the pictures are so bad I’m not sure what I pass as , well my gender marker is “F” , that’s all it matters as far as those items are concerned .
It also raises the question how much do I have to bother to cross the passing threshold ? It is surprising how much you can dial it down and still gain acceptance , we can go overboard which is as much of a tell as not bothering at all .
What does passing really mean ? I don’t feel there is one simple answer it also raises the question PASS AS WHAT ? OK I admit we would all like to pass as catwalk models but then so would many women . Being full time means I don’t want to be pinpointed as a man , as far as I’m concerned he has gone and that is something I keep in mind because I feel people sense gender without visual clues . As for visual clues you do really need to know yourself so you can present yourself accordingly , I know I have certain male tells but they are part of the package , if you can assemble more female tells you will tip the balance . Once people have accepted that you must try and be consistent , don’t mess too much with makeup , wigs or your shape . I attend several groups now with my art and National Trust and others , very few if any know the male side of me , they have nothing to compare me with so they accept me for how they see me , the question of passing doesn’t arise I’m just Terri or Teresa to them , they are totally comfortable with that .
Personally I feel the best compliment is not receiving any , I also agree if they notice an item with praise I would normally return that praise .
Many fear being read and evenmore so if comments follow , the mistake many make is continually looking over your shoulder with that fear . We must learn not to look for comments good or bad , if people do turn to take a second look it may only be because they like your outfit or presentation .
I still recall with a smile when I started driving more openly , the times guys would overtake me then slow down and allow me to pass to take a second look . All they could see is my blond hair , makeup and possibly painted nails but it was enough to attract interest . I have been followed more than once round supermarkets , only last week a male shopper started chatting me up at the checkout . I can’t honestly say what I pass as but it’s still a bit of fun and something I never experienced in male mode .
I totally agree and you will find my next post interesting scheduled for this weekend.
Best,
Micki