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Outed by Instagram

It's always something!

Allow me to set the table here. One, I am a bit of an internet luddite. I can function on it, but so much of it is beyond my ability to comprehend, Two, you well know my Facebook story. And three, The Angel Known as My Wife and our oldest daughter know about this side of me. My wife, of course, knows everything. Our daughter knows of Kandi, but I haven’t shared any specific details. If asked I would, but I am not offering such things as photos and actually meeting Kandi. That is just me and how I wish to handle things. I had not yet told our youngest daughter for various reasons.

So on December 22, 2022, I go about setting up an Instagram account. I want a large scale platform for a number of reasons. Yes, I am vain. It also drives content to Kandi’s Land. It is also how I find and/or “advertise” for acting and modeling opportunities. It connects me with friends all over the world. I also have read that you can lobby for the unlocking of a Facebook account through Instagram. And finally, it will be necessary to help drive traffic to Confident U. As of the time of this writing, I am still locked out by Facebook, but I have actually enlisted the help of our US Senator in getting that unlocked. Stay tuned (and an enormous thanks to Micki Finn for sparking the idea!).

Facebook requires you to have an account under your legal identity, and you can then post publicly as your “authentic self”. I simply assumed the same for Instagram. I had a male Facebook account, tied to my cell phone number. I closed that account. I then set up an Instagram account in my legal male name, using that cell number. That was really all I intended to do at that point. I posted no photos or any avatar. This was my avatar.

I did a little more research and discovered that I could basically set up my Instagram account as anyone I wished to, so I changed my account and user names to Kandi names and put up a Kandi photo as an avatar. As Kandi, this was my avatar:

Never were any Kandi photos online under the account using my male name. Then I made my first post on Instagram and closed it out and started going about other things on this day. My wife then walks into my office and shows me a screenshot sent to her by our oldest daughter of the Kandi avatar with my male name sent to our youngest daughter’s Instagram feed. I immediately deactivated the Instagram account and went into damage control. I was, at that point in time, on Instagram for maybe 20 minutes total.

My real fear was that any and every contact on my phone, who had an Instagram account would get the same notification. Again, I want to tell whomever I want to tell. I don’t need the devil known as Mark Zuckerberg doing that for me. Also, photo Kandi was never in Instagram with male information. How it got sent out that way, who knows? I do believe if my daughter got Kandi only in her feed, she probably would not have noticed it or looked closely.

Long story short, I speak with daughter 1 (who knows), find out if there was any negative reaction by daughter 2 and I then call daughter 2 and introduce her to my alter ego. It could not have gone better. I have specifically chosen to out myself to two people and those went well. I will not count my wife in this equation, since without her blessings, there literally would be no Kandi. The internet outed me to our daughter. A texting screw up outed me to another friend and I was outed to a close friend at one of my volunteer gigs. So far, I have had only good experiences from these outings, but I am not naïve enough to think I can keep hitting 1.000.

Fortunately, as far as I know, no one else who is a contact in my phone got this Instagram notification. While talking to our daughter, she confirmed for me that the notification and my page were gone. Whew…..

Technology continues to be both a blessing and a curse!

On an uplifting front, I have two sisters, including our beloved Jocelyn, paying yours truly visits in January and February. We make magic happen here, just ask Jen and Lisa!

I solved the riddle and I am back on Facebook!!!


14 Responses

  1. As a fellow Luddite, I do not have a presence on any of the social media outlets. However, once upon a time I opened a Facebook account. What I immediately found disturbing was the Facebook algorithm’s capacity for “suggesting’ connections to others Facebook users that I knew, and I presume those went to them too. I wasn’t seeking a presence, hoping to be an influencer, or even trying to connect with long-lost friends. So, frankly rather than risk unintended consequences, I terminated the account.

    1. Kim, that is my natural inclination, but to do the things I have done and wish to continue doing, a social media platform is necessary.

      I hate that social media even exists, but I have to roll with it. Thanks dear!!

  2. Ah Kandi, what can one say.. You are not the only one and I’m sure you won’t be the last..!
    I know several who have inadvertently outed themselves in a similar manner.
    I have an ex wife who made it her business to out me to all and sundry so saving me the trouble.
    I hope no permanent damage has been caused to your future endeavours.
    Cheers Pamela

    1. Pamela, It ended up being a nonevent and had to happen eventually, but I would have preferred to do it on my own terms. And I know I am far from the first one with the problem and far from the last. I tell the story because it is interesting and so readers know my circumstances so they can read what I write in its proper context. Thanks for being here Pamela!!

  3. Kandi,

    Back on FB! Wonderful to hear. It was lovely spending time with you last September. It definitely had a touch of magic.

    As I age, the fear of being outed has lessened. We can’t be naive. There is no truly anonymous way to interact on the web anymore. Someone with the right tools (tools that are becoming more commonplace) could discover my identity. But, isn’t it worth the risk? Hiding under a rock is really unpleasant (not to mention it cramps one’s style)!


    1. Thanks LP! As I said somewhere (I write a lot in a lot of places), it was going to happen. But now you all know my immediate family knows of my female side. My wife, of course, knows Kandi herself. Our daughters know of my female side, but they do not know of “Kandi”, not do I want them to. But if they find out, so be it.

  4. I’m glad you succeeded with your Facebook challenge and things have gone well with your daughters. I think like most ventures FB started out with good intentions and then some figured out how to monetize it. EVERYTHING, EVERYTHING, every single key stroke on a computer or selection we make for cable television is tracked. I walked into a restaurant as Duke a few years ago with my wife and another couple and told the hostess we had a reservation for Duke party of four. She said she could not find a reservation under that name and asked for my phone number. I gave her Duke’s phone and she said that she has a reservation under that number but its for Micki Finn! Thinking fast I told her that happens all the time and who ever Micki Finn is must have a number that is close to mine. Everyone accepted that answer and we had a good dinner. Since then I only use my wife’s cell number when I reserve at a restaurant.
    The kicker to this story is that I have never been out as Micki in the state that this occurred! I assume that the restaurant uses a software system that is nationwide or worldwide. Privacy went out the window years before we had a clue it was happening.


    1. Amen sister! Thanks Micki. I heard this story on the radio and I believe it. A married couple wanted to experiment about how much Big Brother was watching them. They do not have a cat. They never did anything online or on their phone regarding cats. But for about a week, they kept asking each other out loud “Did you get the cat food?” “Where’s the kitty litter?” “Did you feed the cat?” You can see where this is going, all the ads that popped up on their devices were for cat things. In my case, I was able to control the narrative, so far, so good! Plus I do nothing that would embarrass me online, so I got that going for me!

  5. Kandi,
    As soon as we use this technology our actions are out of our hands . As a member ( now ex ) of the implications of that forum didn’t sink until I realsied much of the English speaking World knew what Teresa looked like . As far as I know I didn’t receive any negative problems . My brief contact with FB and the problems I had removing my account and then the small print stating any pictures could be used by FB in any way they chose showed how little they cared .
    I understand your reasons for using social media but we use them at risk to oursleves , I’m afraid the decision remains with use . Don’t use them and stay safe or use them and risk loss of privacy and worse .

    1. Terri,

      I completely understand the risks I run on social media. I have roamed the Earth as long as a few of the final dinosaurs. Much of what I share here is for those that may not have gone down various rabbit holes.

      I am in the Kandi business so I may take a few risks that others should not, but so far, it’s all been good. And it looks like I am one of the rarities that have figured out the FB matrix. My life is all about risk/reward.

      Thanks my dear for your input!

  6. Kandi, I have been out en femme so many times and I have to say a September in Cleveland was the most magical. I’m planning to repeat again and pay you another visit,see you soon my friend

  7. Hi Kandi,
    I hope I can convey myself in a coherent way here. I don’t have the gift of clarity like some of you do. I absolutely love the people like Amanda and yourself who can clearly explain anything. Maybe it comes with experience. I’ve been away from any online presence and social media for several months now to avoid the drama that my dual personality has caused and dealing with many personal issues. But I’ve never stopped haunting your site on occasion and have kept myself informed by it. I can’t seem to stay away, even though I’ve typically just kept to myself. It’s always so enlightening and refreshing to read what you and your fellow contributors have to say. I love how grounded you all are and it makes me miss talking with you so much. Many of you older ladies have offered me support and a listening ear if I ever needed someone to talk to. I have so appreciated that. Many of my own questions have been answered and my knowledge increased by reading the posts and comments from your site. It is such a valuable resource to me. I just recently came back to Flickr. I signed up for Facebook once, using my legal name and persona and immediately had hundreds of suggestions for friends of people that I knew or had known from even when i was a young child in school but had nothing to do with for over 20 years. How did Facebook know that I had ever had any association with some of these people? It was creepy and I got rather freaked out. I ended up never even connecting with anyone or using that account. Other than that I have never done any social media activity except Flickr and YouTube and even that’s quite limited. The more I hear about the major social media sites, the more I want to avoid them. I really enjoy having a wholesome life outside of the internet and social media. On the whole, my electronic devices are just distractions, they are not my life. I am so glad to hear stories like these. I try to learn as much as I can from others to avoid the same experiences. But of course I still have to have some of my own experiences and I’m grateful for them. I am carefully returning to a limited online presence as Liz. I cannot escape her and for now, online is still about the only way she can escape to express her true feelings. But reading stories like this makes me more determined than ever to have nothing to with those social media sites. I’m so grateful to have places like this where I can safely talk to my “sisters.” Thank you for being there for me even when you probably didn’t know it and I was apparently absent.
    Love, Liz

    1. Liz,

      I wish I deserved all of this, but I will humbly thank you so much!! When I started this blog, what you have said here is exactly what I had envisioned. I will acknowledge my bias here, but I truly will stack up what we do here against any other blog or forum. We actually foster help, love and support. There is no pettiness, backbiting or sniping at each other. If there was I would delete it and guess what? There never is any.

      It thrills me to know end to get comments like this or just yesterday, I got an email from a reader in New Zealand. I’ve also gotten communication from someone in Germany and of course, we are strong in the UK. So while I 1,000% agree with you about social media, I have been successful in using it to build our community, make real human connections and make those invisible bonds with so many ladies.

      Sweetheart, that you for that belated Christmas gift!


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