By Jocelyn Johnson
When I was in my early thirties (1980’s) I had my first desire to wear women’s clothes. I wish I could tell you why this feeling came over me, but I don’t know why. I purchased lingerie, a dress, pantyhose, heeled slingback shoes, wig, purse and makeup. I modelled them at home a few times and experimented with different makeup styles.
But I never wanted to just sit around the house, I had to walk the sidewalks of neighboring towns and be seen by people (but not noticed)! Not only did I walk around, but I ventured into a couple of stores to buy gum or look at women’s clothes. I was very, very nervous, but determined to do it. Most people I passed made no recognition of me, but sometimes I did hear some laughs after I passed by. One time out I was called a “faggot” and laughed at. Another time out I was laughed at and I heard someone say about me: “there goes one that needs an operation”. I was also chased down the street once, but got away in my car. I really enjoyed the feeling of presenting as a woman. I also did not tell my wife. Eventually I pressured myself into purging it all and tried to suppress that urge.
A few years ago (2018) I was “surfing” the internet and came across pictures of beautiful crossdressers and Tgirls. Feelings came flooding back to me. I also went on YouTube and saw videos of many people presenting as women. I knew I had to resume my feminine presentation. One such mature YouTube Tgirl I noticed was on sidewalks I had walked decades ago. She was very well dressed and poised as she walked. I thought she was very classy and beautiful. Her name was Alison.
I started to stock my closet again with lingerie, a skirt, a few tops, pantyhose and flats and pumps. I was able to make contact with Alison. This was very special to me because I had someone from my neighborhood who I could share my thoughts and get expert advice. This was Jocelyn‘s “tipping point”. Alison initially said she had been dressing since an early age, but never ever thought she would have a friend or acquaintance. She was also unsure if she wanted any. We did exchange many emails over the months and sent pictures of each other back and forth. Alison gave me many tips on wigs, makeup, dresses, shoes and presentation style. She also told me about blogs such as Kandi’s and Stana’s Femulate and about YouTube dressers I should see and learn from. [Editorial comment: wow!]
I ventured out many times over the next year with none of the issues that I came across decades earlier. I was filled with joy as people accepted me for the woman I was.
I wanted to meet Alison face-to-face, and Alison agreed to meet in a safe and open environment. What a thrill for me to actually be out in public talking with someone like me. We met in a park by the water of the bay. Both of us were dressed very casual in leggings/jeans, running shoes, light tops and carrying purses. A brief walk on a path, passing many people, and then sitting on a park bench. We talked for two hours, sharing a lot about each other. Alison was surprised that we had spent that long together.
We went our separate ways back home. It was then I realized we hadn’t taken a picture of ourselves. How frustrating! But pictures of each of us are shown here. My picture is a closeup selfie taken shortly after our meeting. The two pics of Alison are showing off a coloured skirt and a “rockabilly” swing dress she has just purchased.
Alison and I acknowledge how wonderful it was to get together and we plan on doing it again soon. I have friends over the internet, email and blogs, but nothing compares to sitting next to a friend and just talking. Thanks Alison, dear friend.
Well!!! I do have Alison’s permission for the story content and the two pictures of her.
8 Responses
Great post, Jocelyn, and so much packed into it – self-discovery, the highs & lows of being out and about, purging (should really becalled purjery because of what it does to us!), rebirth, interacting with others and marital secrecy for starters.
And that Kandi’s blog thingy that Alison recommended to you sounds interesting – I must take a look one of these days!! I jest of course but it was recommended with good reason and your posts serve as a reminder of what a great resource it is. In particular, anyone reading this post should just be thinking ‘I could do that’. The barriers are easy to find if we look for them but they’re also easy to overcome if we want to. Of course stepping outside one’s comfort zone is never easy (and it’s a whole lot harder doing it in the knowledge that one’s presentation isn’t exactly conforming to normal societal expectations) but despite what a certain sector of society may have us believe, the vast majority of people have more pressing things on their mind than figuring out whether every person they walk past has chromosomes that match their presentation and, even if they do twig, does it really matter?
There is much to draw inspiration from in what you wrote and it would be amazing if at least one person read it, took a deep breath and set themself free as you did.
Amanda,
Your words are very comforting and reassuring to me.
I still amaze myself at how wonderful I feel while out en femme, and how people these days (but not in the distant past) accept me for who I am. I suspect most people don’t even notice me, or they do not care. We are all just people going about our daily activities.
As you say, by my example, if only one other person gains more self acceptance and confidence to go outside and show the outside world who they truly are, then I am very happy to have helped.
I plan to go out one day soon and observe everyone ignoring me, because I am just another woman shopping and enjoying a walk in the park.
I am so flattered that you think I am inspiring. Thank you so much.
Jocelyn
PS – I’ll have to have a read of that Kandi thingy you mentioned, lol.
I went to my 1st CD party in 1979 or 80. Meeting others like myself changed my life. I remember how wonderful it felt as I talked to another person just like myself. It felt like she was reading my mind. Our situations were so similar. I remember that night like it was yesterday.
Terri,
Meeting and talking with someone via the internet is good, but seeing them face-to-face is fabulous.
I am so glad you had that wonderful experience talking to a person similar to yourself. And I am sure you have had many more since.
Being a part of a group that thinks and feels the same as you is so affirming. And doing it away from your own place is building confidence.
Ahhh, the memories.
Jocelyn
This post was a pleasant surprise. Kandi didn’t tell me she was going to post this story again. No problem whatsoever.
There I am with my new hair style which I like. My day with Alison was a while before COVID. It seems ages ago. Ahhh for the good old days.
Thanks Kandi.
Jocelyn
Surprise!!
Jocelyn,
We have to jump various hurdles on the road to being comfortably OUT . One of the important ones is to try and stop looking over your shoulder in expectation of some sort of reaction , to coin the phrase ” Own it ” .
Being followed can be a problem and also amusing . I was happily shopping when couple walked by , the husband found an excuse to make his way back and stand next to me , I could sense his presence without looking round , his wife had to backtrack and pull him away from the situation , I just smiles to myself and continued shopping .
As for finding a trans partner , it can be double sided . I now accept that peolple like my daughter , sister in law and other friends wouldn’t accompany me if they weren’t comfortable with the situation . Being with a trans friend is slightly different , some need the strength in numbers to gain confidence , I have a very good TS friend , most of our outings are more like two ladies going about our business , we do have a laugh but very touch on trans issues . I found in the past attending a socila group was more helpful to gain confidence and learn from others .
Teresa,
Thank you for your comments.
We all learn and gain confidence by doing. Sharing those experiences with someone else is a great help. And, it can be lots of fun.
That is what we all want in life, to be with friends, have fun, and to be our true selves.
Jocelyn