I was pondering my situation the other day and it struck me what a lonely existence all of this can be. Of course, there is a vibrant online community with whom we can share our highs and lows but for many of us, the real world is somewhat different. Amanda only appears either when the house is empty or on the odd occasion when I can spend a night away from home. And when she goes out, she’s on her own; she travels alone, shops alone, visits places of interest alone and dines alone. And when the fun is over, she returns to an empty house or hotel room with no one to ask her how her day was.
And yet the paradox is that despite all of that, she’s not the one that feels lonely.
I am a loner at heart. I’m an only child and am completely happy with my own company. As a child, I entertained myself and whilst I had friends, there were days when I didn’t see them and, instead, whiled away the hours with my Lego, model trains or music. And when I step out in my feminine persona, it’s not with sadness that I’m going to be alone. Quite the opposite in fact; I feel mounting anticipation that I’ll be able to connect with society in ways that I never thought possible.
On a recent outing, I’d only just got out of the car and was walking towards the shops when a young woman walking the other way and I exchanged smiles. I don’t know what she thought about me and perhaps she looked my way, realised what I was, seeing her looking I smiled and she smiled back, all in the space of a split second. Or maybe I reminded her of someone she knew. Or maybe she was an ally and her smile signified her approval. I’ll never know and in the overall scheme of things it’s unimportant. Because what was important was that split second connection. In that moment, words were unnecessary, all that mattered was the sense of connection with society that I felt.
And things got even better from there. I don’t know what it is about Caffè Nero but the staff always seem to go out of their way to be nice to me. Maybe they see me as an opportunity to burnish their diversity credentials or maybe they’re just like that with everyone but from the minute the assistant looks my way and smiles while asking what I’d like to the point where they wish me a lovely day, it’s just a lovely feeling of acceptance.
And then there are the times that spontaneous conversations start. Maybe a comment about my nails, hair or outfit or perhaps something more in depth like discussion of an outfit with a fitting room attendant or advice about eyeliner from a MAC consultant. Those are the times when there’s a sense that the interaction has gone beyond person to person and is now in the realms of woman to woman. I love those interactions, not because I think that I’m unconditionally seen as a woman (since there are too many obvious signs to the contrary) but because I sense that I’ve done enough to be trusted with the platonic woman to woman closeness that I just don’t experience in my everyday life. And perhaps a little pride that my transformation has been deemed good enough to be accepted as an honorary woman in that moment!
Naturally, for most of these interactions, the obvious – that I am a female presenting male – is left unsaid. But sometimes, for whatever reason, the conversation strays into that territory. Sometimes, it’s just a cryptic reference – I couldn’t let the lovely compliment I received about my nails from the cashier at a museum I visited pass without thanking her for making a special weekend even more special. Other times, it’s a more overt reference – when asking for advice about eyeliner for the waterline that wasn’t water resistant (which puzzled the assistant until I explained that I needed it to be easily removable for my other life, not that that detracted from the special treatment she then gave me).
No, despite always ‘flying solo’, Amanda is never ever lonely. There are wonderful interactions to be had at every turn, all of which reaffirm her place in society. The reality is that I feel the loneliness when Amanda’s stuff is packed up and hidden away.
I’ve already declared that I am a loner but I do have friends. Long standing friends, some of whom I’ve known for over 50 years. People who I’ve known since childhood and who know pretty well everything there is to know about me.
Except for one thing.
I can talk to these guys about more or less anything to do with the highs and lows of my life. They’ve been understanding when things have been challenging and happy for me when things have gone well. But, unsurprisingly, there’s one aspect of my life that I remain very tight lipped about and whilst I have no doubt whatsoever that it wouldn’t change a thing about our friendship, this is something I don’t particularly want in the public domain. I also think it’s fundamentally wrong to tell someone something while placing a non-disclosure condition on it. After all, if I’m waiving my right to secrecy by sharing information with a third party, what right do I have to expect anything different from them?
And then there’s the situation at home. Amanda’s existence and evolution is due in no small part to the tolerance that Mrs A has shown. But that tolerance came in the form of a DADT arrangement which by its very nature means that she doesn’t want to know or discuss anything about this side of me. And the reality is that when she asks me if I had a good day, if it’s been an Amanda day, I have to reply ‘yes thanks’ rather than ‘I had the most wonderful time, blissfully happy in my feminine persona’.
Let’s not forget the times when circumstances conspire against me and Amanda’s things have to remain hidden for extended periods – weeks or even months without any opportunity. There’s no one to share my frustrations with and even if my general demeanour makes it obvious that things are not as they should be, I have to explain things away by blaming some other aspect of life, not the one that’s the real reason and one which would be so easy to resolve if it wasn’t for the enforced isolation.
But perhaps the biggest contributor to that loneliness is our feminine alter ego who we miss when she’s not around. Maybe during busy times in our other life, we don’t think about her too much but in quiet moments when we only have our thoughts for company, the solitude really hits home and we yearn not only for her presence but also for the connections with others that she has.
I don’t want this post to become a pity party, though. The situation in which I find myself is only one facet of my life. And the reverse situation where Amanda felt lonely, even when out and about would be far worse. In fact, during my earliest excursions when I was too scared to approach anyone else, that was what the situation was. And as far as I personally am concerned, I have much to be thankful for and not being able to speak about a particular aspect of my life pales into insignificance compared to all of the positives from the parts of my life that have given rise to these constraints.
None of this is easy but unless we enjoy the complete support of those around us, there will always be emotional compromises to be made. And rather than dwell on the negatives, I want to close this with a couple of real positives. The first is that whilst this may be a lonely existence, we’re not alone. There are many others experiencing exactly the same challenges throughout the world and whilst we may never meet in either of our personas, knowing that others understand is a huge help. And the second is the knowledge that whilst our feminine persona may have to be hidden in our normal life, there are many people only too happy to show her respect and acceptance in the world at large and whilst we may experience the outside world alone in her persona, we need never be lonely.
14 Responses
Amanda,
The one part of my life that could be considered lonely is when I’m on holiday , I’ve accepted that I will always have to pay single supplements for my accommodation ( huge bone of contention !!! ) I have a GG friend who I know well enough to travel with as she know my whole story but she would drive me bananas after a day . Otherwise I’m far from lonely , I have more friends now through my art groups and National Trust group than I ever had ( or was allowed to have ) before .
Why do retail and eateries vary so much with their attitude ? I shop regularly in Cotton Traders , at my local one the staff are so friendly , they find discounts where there aren’t any ! At a really nice garden centre , my mother loves to shop at the staff in the Cotton Traders outlet are often rude and unhelpful . On one occasion I was with my mum browsing when the assistant asked , ” can I help you ladies ? ” I could see a smile on my mother’s face but she said nothing .
When I first announced I was going full time to my family when I moved to my new home , both my ex and son warned me I would live a lonely , miserable existence , not daring to step foot outside my front door . I love a challenge but I knew it was the last chance for me , I had made my choice , it’s what I really desired and from day one I never looked back . Naturally I have bad days but not because I’m transgender and had a bad experience , running a home alone is not always easy in the UK , smartphones and laptops aren’t always user friendly , even AI doesn’t show you all the ( very ) small print .
I have offered before should you need more time as Amanda my door is open to you , you have my Email address if you need to talk more .
Teresa, thank you for sharing your thoughts and for your kind invitation.
Your experiences once again demonstrate that acceptance is there for the taking amongst most of the population and I would go further to assert that that acceptance is informed, i.e. accepting of what we are, and that should give reassurance to anyone fearful of being in the outside world.
The issue of loneliness is one that I think is important to air. As I tried to convey in the post, it’s a very specific loneliness not driven by a lack of company but, rather, the isolation that comes from having to keep an important side of us under wraps. It took me a long time to realise this but when I’m out and about enfemme, I don’t need to keep this side of me under wraps because it’s obvious what I am – even if someone doesn’t realise just by looking at me, they will when I open my mouth. And I’ve also noticed that women in particular are far more inclusive than they would be if I was presenting male which again builds that sense of connection.
Ultimately, I don’t think there’s an easy answer to this, particularly if those closest are either unsupportive or unaware and what I wanted to do with this post was to let those who are particularly struggling with the sense of isolation that they’re not alone.
HI Amanda – as you so often do, you’ve really hit home for me with your article. I’m an only child too, and for me – and it appears you as well – we have become comfortable with our own company. A loner by nature I rarely if ever feel lonely. To me it seems the lifestyle of a crossdresser feeds very naturally into the solitary nature of our existence – alone perhaps, but never really alone.
Interestingly for me tho is the fact that I am FAR more social as Kris than I am in my male persona. Altho I often will traverse near and far as Kris by myself i find the company of others, especially the company of other CG/TG individuals especially invigorating and enriching. I actually find myself longing for it in a way i never longed for company before. Fr instance oi could not attend the Keystone Conference this year, and I missed it – and miss it – terribly. I’ll need to make sure I do not in the future if i can help it at all.
I feel the addition of this socialization has gone far in the development of a far more healthy psyche for me. I’m defionitly a better person for it.
Best,
Kris
Kris, thank you for joining the discussion and for your kind words.
You’ve raised an important point which I think many of us realise and that’s that we don’t ever need to be alone in our feminine persona. Whether we gravitate towards like minded people as you do or just enjoy not being invisible in society which is more my thing, there’s always companionship available if we want. In fact on several occasions, I’ve sensed people going out of their way to show their support. The first step – the one through the front door – is the hardest but overcome the fear of that and there are wonderful experiences to be had.
Hi Amanda,
As Kris has noted, “As you so often do, you’ve really hit home. . . “. Yes, I agree.
I am not a crossdresser. I am a trans woman. I have never been out as Charlene, though around my home I am able to dress “freely” within my wife’s limits. However I feel alone. Even though my wife loves me enough to allow me to dress she only understands me as her husband who has his “gender thing” and finds help managing it by dressing in woman’s clothes.
She has no concept that her husband is actually a she. I am not Charlene to her. Any interaction we share I realize is shared as man / woman and not even remotely as woman / woman. Therein I, Charlene, am somewhat sad and yes, lonely.
In group settings it is no better. As I cannot attend as Charlene, I obviously attend as my male self, a shell which I occupy both out of choice & convenience, so I rarely am fully present. Often I attend reluctantly and leave with relief.
I long for the privilege of entering into what in my mind I call the “sorority of womanhood.” And realistically even should I fully transition I suspect I will always have a sense being an outsider. After all, I have missed all the previous chapters of womanhhood. Should I find myself completely passable full stealth, how does an older woman like myself engage in a discussion about how my second pregnancy was so much easier than my first or how I hated the hot flashes that came with early menopause. So then, like now I would have to sit, smile, fake understanding unable to be fully present doing my best to guard my carefully crafted stealth identity.
Lonliness even when not alone seems to be an enduring condition. Like you I don’t want to end negatively. I have much for which I am very thankful. I have been abundantly blessed of God. And as counterintuitive as it may sound one of my greatest blessing is understanding and accepting that I am trans and that being so is not bad. I really don’t want to be “untrans”. No, I just want to manage my trans womanhood in a way that will bring the least amount of discomfort (in light of this discussion read lonliness) to myself and all that I love and who love and need the male me.
Kindly,
Charlene
I will certainly await Amanda’s response, but this comment was so heartfelt and a reminder of what many, many have to live with.
While I know there is nothing “wrong” about our feelings, it is nothing I would wish upon anyone.
Even in the best circumstances, it is still so HARD! Always. Which is still why if that magic pill existed, I would gobble it up quickly.
No one ever choses a more difficult life to an easier one.
God bless you, Charlene! You have many, many sisters here.
Kandi, in just a few words, you have said all that needs to be said. We are lucky to live in times when ‘making the best of it’ can give us experiences beyond our wildest dreams but, as the old saying goes, what you’ve never had you never miss and life would have been so much easier without all of this to contend with.
Amanda, thank you for the thought, “what you’ve never had, you never miss.” So true.
I have been aware of my gender misalignment since I was 5 yrs old.
It has been a difficult 66 yrs living misaligned. Had I never had this to deal with, I would never have learned to be as empathetic and compassionate of others that struggle with a myriad of equally difficult conditions.
So in that frame of mind I am thankful to be trans. I would not want to not be trans for I don’t know who I would be without my trans condition. Somewhat odd is it not; I have never had male “normal”, so I have never missed it. In fact can I actually miss it?
Honestly, I really don’t want male normal. My heart truly longs for normal 70 plus year old womanhood, but never having had life as a female, I can’t say I miss it can I?
This is so complicated to be sure.
Thank you Kandi for the encouragement and the understanding & acceptance that makes your encouragement richer.
Kindly,
Charlene
Charlene,
You make an interesting point about guarded conversations with women when the subject of childbirth and menopause come up . On the whole I find they’re not subjects women talk about often , being full time I have conversations about my son and daughter and my grandchildren BUT DO NOT mention I had a wife . They are simply my children , I’ve never had to explain what kind of birth they had and I’ve never really spoken of menopause . It’s not really relevant that I missed previous chapters of womanhood because i was still a parent that cared for my children . At my age I probably have more widowed friends so I feel we share the element of loneliness equally , most conversations are based on getting through life as a single person .
On the whole as we get older men possibly become more isolated and live lonelier lives . I live alone but I don’t feel lonely , I’ve managed to find acceptance comfortably in female company , I never feel excluded , in fact I’ve organised trips and outings so I’ve earned respect as Teresa .
Charlene, thank you for sharing what are very personal thoughts with us. Words like yours which lay bare our vulnerabilities are a huge comfort to those trying to deal with this alone.
I don’t have a huge amount of experience in the outside world but what I do have has demonstrated that acceptance is there unless we give others good reason to withhold it. You expressed your fear that ‘should I fully transition I suspect I will always have a sense being an outsider’ but I don’t think that necessarily needs to be the case. Whilst there are fundamental differences between males and females – some physical, some emotional – it is society that sets the rules of engagement. People connect with people, not genders and even in my limited time in the outside world, there have been times when I’ve realised that the treatment I’ve received has gone well beyond either the normal male-female dynamic or, for want of a better descriptor, virtue signalling where a comment or compliment is made to underline allyship. You’re right that we can’t talk about pregnancy or menopause from experience but we can empathise and, if we’re comfortable doing so, perhaps give a flavour of the challenges we have faced in our life. Of course, as you rightly say, being stealth makes that a lot harder but I do think we’re at the stage where we can be proud of who and what we are.
I am really grateful to you for setting out how the subject of the post relates to your life. The spousal situation can be tough at the best of times and maintaining the facade of the men our wives married can be exhausting. For some, it’s just keeping the practicalities of crossdressing hidden but for me, and I sense for you too, it’s having to keep the depth of feelings under wraps and maintain a facade of ‘it’s just the clothes’.
I hope that you will find a way to break free and enjoy the outside world as the person you truly want to be. It’s a wonderful feeling to be accepted for just being you even if it does add to the feeling of isolation at other times.
Charlene – Just be glad you missed pregnancy and all the pain women feel there. I had an injury that was far worse than giving birth and have a long (38 staples) lower pelvic scar to show (same as a cesarean scar). Believe me, this is nothing to envy.
Amanda,
This post is a great expression of what I and many others feel. Thank you for putting this into words.
I really don’t know what to say. Am I lonely? Maybe, sometimes! I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Albeit not in heels these days. I do tend to look at old photos and remember the absolute wonderful feelings I had while dressed pretty (personal opinion). My interactions with the general public were confirming.
All of that just seemed so normal; so me.
And what really keeps me happy is the friendships I have developed over the past seven years. I do keep in touch. My cherished friends are a blessing to me. So, I guess I am not lonely.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn, thank you for injecting some much needed positivity into this issue!
At the risk of sounding like I’ve had an IQ bypass, we may be alone but we’re never alone. There’s an online community only too happy to share experiences and advice but even if we decide not to reach out, the knowledge that there are others going through exactly the same challenges that we are is a huge comfort. And as both you and Gwen in her post today observe, the public at large are happy to accept us for who we are.