It’s a Lonely World

I was pondering my situation the other day and it struck me what a lonely existence all of this can be.  Of course, there is a vibrant online community with whom we can share our highs and lows but for many of us, the real world is somewhat different.  Amanda only appears either when the house is empty or on the odd occasion when I can spend a night away from home.  And when she goes out, she’s on her own; she travels alone, shops alone, visits places of interest alone and dines alone.  And when the fun is over, she returns to an empty house or hotel room with no one to ask her how her day was.

And yet the paradox is that despite all of that, she’s not the one that feels lonely.

I am a loner at heart.  I’m an only child and am completely happy with my own company.  As a child, I entertained myself and whilst I had friends, there were days when I didn’t see them and, instead, whiled away the hours with my Lego, model trains or music.   And when I step out in my feminine persona, it’s not with sadness that I’m going to be alone.  Quite the opposite in fact; I feel mounting anticipation that I’ll be able to connect with society in ways that I never thought possible.

On a recent outing, I’d only just got out of the car and was walking towards the shops when a young woman walking the other way and I exchanged smiles.  I don’t know what she thought about me and perhaps she looked my way, realised what I was, seeing her looking I smiled and she smiled back, all in the space of a split second.  Or maybe I reminded her of someone she knew.  Or maybe she was an ally and her smile signified her approval.  I’ll never know and in the overall scheme of things it’s unimportant.  Because what was important was that split second connection.  In that moment, words were unnecessary, all that mattered was the sense of connection with society that I felt.

And things got even better from there.  I don’t know what it is about Caffè Nero but the staff always seem to go out of their way to be nice to me.  Maybe they see me as an opportunity to burnish their diversity credentials or maybe they’re just like that with everyone but from the minute the assistant looks my way and smiles while asking what I’d like to the point where they wish me a lovely day, it’s just a lovely feeling of acceptance.

And then there are the times that spontaneous conversations start.  Maybe a comment about my nails, hair or outfit or perhaps something more in depth like discussion of an outfit with a fitting room attendant or advice about eyeliner from a MAC consultant.  Those are the times when there’s a sense that the interaction has gone beyond person to person and is now in the realms of woman to woman.   I love those interactions, not because I think that I’m unconditionally seen as a woman (since there are too many obvious signs to the contrary) but because I sense that I’ve done enough to be trusted with the platonic woman to woman closeness that I just don’t experience in my everyday life.  And perhaps a little pride that my transformation has been deemed good enough to be accepted as an honorary woman in that moment!

Naturally, for most of these interactions, the obvious – that I am a female presenting male – is left unsaid.  But sometimes, for whatever reason, the conversation strays into that territory.  Sometimes, it’s just a cryptic reference – I couldn’t let the lovely compliment I received about my nails from the cashier at a museum I visited pass without thanking her for making a special weekend even more special.  Other times, it’s a more overt reference – when asking for advice about eyeliner for the waterline that wasn’t water resistant (which puzzled the assistant until I explained that I needed it to be easily removable for my other life, not that that detracted from the special treatment she then gave me).  

No, despite always ‘flying solo’, Amanda is never ever lonely.  There are wonderful interactions to be had at every turn, all of which reaffirm her place in society.  The reality is that I feel the loneliness when Amanda’s stuff is packed up and hidden away.

I’ve already declared that I am a loner but I do have friends.  Long standing friends, some of whom I’ve known for over 50 years.  People who I’ve known since childhood and who know pretty well everything there is to know about me.

Except for one thing.

I can talk to these guys about more or less anything to do with the highs and lows of my life.  They’ve been understanding when things have been challenging and happy for me when things have gone well.  But, unsurprisingly, there’s one aspect of my life that I remain very tight lipped about and whilst I have no doubt whatsoever that it wouldn’t change a thing about our friendship, this is something I don’t particularly want in the public domain.  I also think it’s fundamentally wrong to tell someone something while placing a non-disclosure condition on it.  After all, if I’m waiving my right to secrecy by sharing information with a third party, what right do I have to expect anything different from them?

And then there’s the situation at home.  Amanda’s existence and evolution is due in no small part to the tolerance that Mrs A has shown.  But that tolerance came in the form of a DADT arrangement which by its very nature means that she doesn’t want to know or discuss anything about this side of me.  And the reality is that when she asks me if I had a good day, if it’s been an Amanda day, I have to reply ‘yes thanks’ rather than ‘I had the most wonderful time, blissfully happy in my feminine persona’.

Let’s not forget the times when circumstances conspire against me and Amanda’s things have to remain hidden for extended periods – weeks or even months without any opportunity.  There’s no one to share my frustrations with and even if my general demeanour makes it obvious that things are not as they should be, I have to explain things away by blaming some other aspect of life, not the one that’s the real reason and one which would be so easy to resolve if it wasn’t for the enforced isolation.

But perhaps the biggest contributor to that loneliness is our feminine alter ego who we miss when she’s not around.  Maybe during busy times in our other life, we don’t think about her too much but in quiet moments when we only have our thoughts for company, the solitude really hits home and we yearn not only for her presence but also for the connections with others that she has.

I don’t want this post to become a pity party, though.  The situation in which I find myself is only one facet of my life.  And the reverse situation where Amanda felt lonely, even when out and about would be far worse.  In fact, during my earliest excursions when I was too scared to approach anyone else, that was what the situation was.  And as far as I personally am concerned, I have much to be thankful for and not being able to speak about a particular aspect of my life pales into insignificance compared to all of the positives from the parts of my life that have given rise to these constraints.

None of this is easy but unless we enjoy the complete support of those around us, there will always be emotional compromises to be made.  And rather than dwell on the negatives, I want to close this with a couple of real positives.  The first is that whilst this may be a lonely existence, we’re not alone.  There are many others experiencing exactly the same challenges throughout the world and whilst we may never meet in either of our personas, knowing that others understand is a huge help.  And the second is the knowledge that whilst our feminine persona may have to be hidden in our normal life, there are many people only too happy to show her respect and acceptance in the world at large and whilst we may experience the outside world alone in her persona, we need never be lonely.