One of our newest readers (I now have two!) is also now a friend (virtual, but it’s better than nothing). Grace read the post called “The Fragility of Connections” and posited this remarkable comment. It is essentially a guest post.
Grace, take the day away!
This is an older post, but not THAT old. And it’s new for me and stimulated my thought patterns.
Your post here Kandi will definitely not fit in the carry-on bins. Luggage of that size must be checked. It’s a big, bulky PITA. But I’m not afraid to help you unpack.🥰
I’ve been back active here in “Crossdresser-Land” for about a year and a half now. After a 25-30 year-ish hiatus. I’d say it’s the same as before, really the only difference being it’s way easier to meet girls like us. And that mostly is because of the internet. Interacting with girls you ain’t never gonna meet IRL. Due to the reality of geography mostly. And getting older and knowing what you like and what you don’t. And the sites you choose do have an impact on your attitude towards all of it. There’s trial and error involved. You may not get it right for awhile.
It’s really obvious to me that on these different but similar sites, there are a LOT of guys who enjoy looking at CDs – but aren’t necessarily “one of the girls” themselves. Lurkers. Randos. Or just guys who prefer a T-Girl of some sort. Which is fine, none of my biz. I don’t have to engage with them. There’s also a big percentage of people who claim to be “girls like us”. But don’t really seem to be “one of us” all that much. No pics. No comments. Watchers from the sidelines. Which could be due to personal circumstances, things beyond their control – if so, again fine, none of my biz.
Then there’s the ones you seem to “click” with. Like-minded ladies who you talk to by email and private messages. Girls you can relate to and have things in common with. For me, I’ve found that these are girls in my own age bracket. (A seasoned girl if you will.) And just when you think you’ve developed a nice back and forth and then BAM! They ghost you. Leaving you to wonder what you said that got them p-o’ed at you. I’ve had at least three recently that I’m aware of. I’ve realized I have to make allowances for that – as it comes with the quirkiness that’s involved with our particular pursuit. And not everyone seeks or can handle honest conversations. There is a LOT of delusion involved with the art of crossdressing. IMHO.
That said, I do believe that we all need a good “crossdresser confidante” we can be in cahoots with. I know I have at least one, but she is far, far away. I’m on the hunt for an in-person gal I can go drink coffee with on a regular basis. She’s there I know, we just haven’t crossed paths yet. So I’m grateful to at least have a friend I can bitch, piss and moan with across the pond. Like minded ladies we are. For starters, we’re both honest about liking crossdressers. We’re both hetero and married. To real women. We like the ladies. We don’t discriminate just because they happen to be guys doing their best to look like ladies. Some of them happen to do an excellent job! And the unexpected thing that happened with us, something I never thought about, is that now we’ve become sorta “bro-friends” as well. The more you share, the more possibility there is of that happening. We speak of our wives and personal lives. We discuss many topics. It goes beyond crossdressing with the right “girls”. I do believe that many girls like us would just prefer things to stay in the “girly realm.” Stray too far from that and they freak out and you get “ghosted”. They want to stay in fantasyland for the most part.
The other elephant in the room that I see is that many of us are in denial about certain aspects of our “hobby”. We like looking at crossdressers. Admiring them. Some of them are quite sexy. They inspire fantasies we didn’t even know we had. Many of us girls just can’t even admit that little thing! I want to say to some of them…hey chick! You’re on a tranny website. ( FYI, I use crossdresser and tranny interchangeably…) It’s fine that you’re heterosexual and happily married. You do know these are all guys dressed like girls, yeah???? (And of course they know that.) I’ve even shared these thoughts with my wife. Good looking is good looking, period. People like what they like. Doesn’t mean I’m going to “progress” in my journey as a crossdresser to doing anything untoward with any of my fellow sisters. At least certainly not in the present circumstances of me being happily married and crazy in love with my wife. Good grief! My fantasies are not my reality.
I really think that a lot of girls get all twitterpated with these type of thoughts in regard to their pursuits in all this. My wife and I had a robust convo with this post this am over yes, 3 cups of coffee🥰 I said – I think we girls are sometimes jealous of you girls and your “besties”. She agreed. She said: “You guys always think we’re lesbians. Because you’re GUYS. Guys don’t get it. We girls tell each other EVERYTHING. Things we don’t even tell our husbands. There’s a place for that stuff and it doesn’t break any of the rules of marriage.” My wife and I have always known that we cannot fulfill each others EVERY need in life. Nor do we want to!🤣 It’s an impossible task for one person. So there ya have it, the wisdom of a wise woman, who thankfully is my wife.🥰
Thank you Gracey!
Just my two cents: I get it. AI can make us look like something that is not reality. Yes, a fantasy. I have slightly dabbled, we all have. But to those of you that post picture after picture after picture generated by AI, not at all representing what humans look like, STOP! If you want others to see the real you, then be the real you. If you want to be some avatar, then go off into your own world and I’ll stop supporting you. That’s all virtual reality, nothing I give a rat’s behind about. Put the effort into being better, into changing that one mind at a time. If you want internet gawkers, have at it. You are not a real person. Had to get that off my chest, my real chest…
Lastly: Inspired by a recent Femulate post, I would like to write a post about our favorite things. I want it to be from our community, not just me. So if you would indulge me, send to me, through the Contact page, a few things that bring you great joy. I want specific things, not just that you love dressing. For example, I love digging into my purse for my wallet or I love when a gentleman holds the door open for me. Things like that. If I get enough feedback, we’ll write it up for a future conversation. Thanks ladies!
21 Responses
That was a thought provoking post and underlines the fragility of our world. I’ve moved on from several friendships over the years after realising that the thing that brought us together – crossing the gender divide – is the only thing we have in common. Worse still is the realisation that, as the ‘friendship’ develops, viewpoints on issues (particularly trans issues) are so far apart that each’s views cross the boundaries of acceptability as far as the other is concerned. Once the pink fog has cleared, it’s usually not hard to identify those who we would not want to be friends with in our normal world.
Online friendships are also fragile by nature. Three years ago, when I accidentally outed myself and my wife agreed to DADT, I immediately closed my Flickr account because of her concerns about photos being in the public domain. A couple of clicks and, as far as the Flickrsphere was concerned, I ceased to exist.
But who can blame guys for being interested in us? A look around the outside world is all it takes to realise that we’re far better put together than at least 95% of women out there!
I need to get me one of those “Grace” mugs like the pic KR.☺️
First, thx for the kudos and the featuring of my comment to you as a “center stage” post of its own. One of the things I appreciate about your site IS the “authenticity” of it. It doesn’t take a genius to realize you and your “girl posse” on here are serious players. I could tell right away in fact. One of the things I’ve disliked in my return to the fold has been having to siphon through all the bs to get to the good stuff. It can get tedious. I don’t need to read any more threads about the favorite color of one’s panties…(as important as that is😜).
I love lively conversations. With many viewpoints. I had a career in sales for 40+ years IRL. I was a good seller and I was also someone who could be sold. But only with sound reasoning. The variety of this crossdressing world is what appeals most to me, whether I participate or not. I’m just a little part in it and glad to be here. It is like an onion, with many layers and nuances. And fortunately I do love onions, both figuratively and literally.
Amanda, loved your comment as I usually do. Yes, crossdressing is a fragile world. Just like the rest of the world. I’ve often found different hobbies and interests that brought me together with new people. It’s exciting when you “click” with somebody in a shared pursuit. It’s when you expand beyond those walls when you start to think, yeah, this hobby of ours is going to be our only commonality. Aside from that, this person is a lunatic!🫣 Let the “ghosting” begin.
Having been ghosted at least 3 times I’m aware of – I’ve learned to appreciate it. I’ve decided it’s a positive thing to be ghosted. Saves both of us from wasting any more of each other’s time. Personally I’ve ghosted girls too. However I do like to be a bit more polite. The last one I did was to simply reply to the girl this: “Your last message contained things that are way out of my comfort zone to discuss. It’s been nice chatting with you.” And that was the end of that. She obviously got the message. “No message at all ghosting” – has its place. But if possible, I prefer to just give a short “c-ya later” type of response.
I was on Flick’r when I first came back into to the fold. Got off after a month though…it was just too much. I searched for and found other sites that were more my speed. Went back on Flick’r after researching the more technical parts of it. To make it more the way it can work for me. Now I’m back on there – but with no public pics. Not yet anyway.. I realized that some of the girls I knew from other sites had fairly large Flick’r presences. And the honest truth is I like to look at attractive crossdressers who are at least trying to look ladylike. Many girls are quite adept at it too. It’s a nice little collection of “eye candy” when the mood strikes. For those fantasies that some of us girls have that contain a modicum of “reverse-heterosexuality” in them.😜
So far so good on Flick’r. “Friends only” can see my pics. I like to show off a bit while I still can. Innuendo and suggestiveness is what I find sexy. My friends on there seem to be regular pic posters too, so they are active participants. I have had friends on other sites where I just want to ask them…”girl, do you ever dress up?” Isn’t this a vanity project for the majority of us divas here? But as always -to each their own. I love what Kandi and you other girls are trying to accomplish here, as far as bringing crossdressing more out in the open. Convincing the public we’re not deranged maniacs, one appearance at a time. Attempting to change viewpoints of the general public. Personally I don’t see a time ever, where crossdressing as a hobby isn’t “weird”. I think it’s part of the reason it appeals to me. When everyone else is doing the same thing – I like to do different. I’m a natural contrarian. Until I’m not.🥰
Pretty sure you could get that mug with a click on the Amazon logo above…just sayin’
Love your contributions here and hope to see them continue into the future!
Grace, thank you.
I got well and truly sucked into Flickr a few years ago, becoming obsessed with views, comments and follows. And then a post that got practically zero interest pushed me over the edge and sadly it impacted my everyday life too. It wasn’t easy when my wife could see things were very wrong with me but I couldn’t tell her why.
Allied to this is your ‘serious players’ comment in your first paragraph. Looking at the regular contributors here, most of us do not socialise with other CD/TG people, either on a regular basis or, as in my case, ever. For me, ‘flying solo’ means I can connect far more with the surroundings (with a responsibility to both present and act in a way consistent with wherever it is I’m going) than I’d be able to if the focal point was one or more similar companions, any of whom could let the side down, so to speak. In the end, I think we all understand that to be accepted as serious players, we have to take the whole thing seriously ourselves.
KR, yeah I figured the answer was Amazon…when is it not? We have one store for everything now…
Amanda, listen to this one…one of my very few friends on Flick’r sends me a private message. She was answering a question from me which was: “How do you handle having 3000 friends following you on Flick’r? And how do you follow a large number of ladies as well? Isn’t that sort of a full time job???” – – – She said she liked getting likes and comments still – after being on Flick’r something like 10 years or so…maybe more. But she really only emailed a handful of friends. I felt honored she replied to me tbh. And pretty quickly too. I can’t even imagine so much activity like she has. Probably why I’m not on social media…those aren’t my definition of real friends. Online friends are a whole other thing for me. And I don’t need a ton of them if we are similar sisters. I can see where it could easily become overwhelming. And my time is limited. This particular friend, in her reply to my inquiries, said she didn’t understand what I was trying to accomplish by not being a “public girl” on there. She says, you’ll make a ton of friends if you make your pics public. But I’m not looking for that. What was I looking for? I suppose my aim is to be able to cruise around and check out all the pretty girlies. Follow the ones I like…most of whom do happen to be cute…(attractiveness matters.) And if they want to see me too, we can be friends and we can share pics that way. “I’m in the game too.” And I like posting pics. I dress up a lot. I do follow more ladies than follow me. We’re all on there for our own personal reasons so I don’t take that personally. All good stuff. As long as I can stay on top of things and keep this crossdressing stuff in it’s proper place.
I think you’re right. I did return to Flickr a year or so ago and kept everything friends only except for one profile pic. If I followed anyone, I’d mark them as a friend so that they could see more but in the end I realised I’d evolved beyond it – a bit like losing the stabilisers/training wheels on a bike – so just deleted the account a few months ago.
And I think we have to be honest. A beautiful woman, regardless of provenance, is a sight to behold and particularly so if we realise that they may not be all that they seem. And at the risk of being branded an autogynephile, I’ll declare that I apply those standards to myself too. As a heterosexual male, it is unavoidable that I will strive for attractiveness in my feminine presentation and it was a critical factor in giving me the confidence to do the things I do now. I’m not deluded enough to think I’m a dead ringer for Helen of Troy (or anywhere close although a walk down my local high street suggests that, in my locality at least, the beauty bar is set fairly low!) but I like to think that the overall effect looks reasonably well put together and those I interact with seem to respond positively.
I like the idea of one profile pic on Flick’r – that way girly friends can find you on there easier. I just need a place to post pics without worrying if something’s a little too suggestive for somebody in charge. Most of the time when I take pics – I’m not aiming for “dowdy”, ya know? I try to look like someone I’d be interested in. As vain as that sounds. As you say Amanda, a beautiful woman is a beautiful woman regardless of provenance. To me, some have 2 visible protuberances, while others sometimes have 3.🤣
Your post made me recall an episode of an old TV comedy about cops called “Barney Miller”. Detective Harris has to dress up as a woman for a prostitution sting. He comes into the squad room all dolled up and looking…well, hot, as I remember from watching it back then. His fellow cops just stare at him stunned at how womanly he looks. To break the silence he said something like – “Hey, if I’m gonna do this, I gotta look good!” It’s just human nature. The reason the ladies are always sizing one another up. We girls are just the same.
Grace ,
i guess I don’t actually fall directly into the theme of your post as I’ve been fulltime as Teresa for eight years now , (the reason I’m on Kandis Land is because I can pass on my experiences after my transition ) BUT I travelled that road , to the transgender community TRUST and HONESTY aren’t valued by some people . At one time I attended three social groups , they serve a very useful purpose but you have to learn very quickly the truth from the BS , some people have their own agenda , they don’t give a **** about you , personally I have been hurt far more from so called friends within the trans community than I have in eight years as Teresa .
I know what it’s like to be befriended and then discover I’m being groomed for their personal needs , I have had passes made at me but I make it very clear I’m not interested in men in any shape or form . Amusingly I have been stalked round supermarkets a few times and been asked directly if I wanted to visit a guy’s cabin while on a cruise last year , I was quite flattered because he went round several female passengers asking them the same question .
Because I’m 24/7 I don’t need or use social media sites and I don’t have to worry about pictures to prove what I am which is a great feeling .
I get it Teresa. Many girls do not understand…it’s not ALL about just looking good. You gotta have a little personality and pizzazz to yourself too. You have to build trust. Be able to communicate. It’s getting easier to see which girls are serious and which ones just want you to send them your “sexy pics.” (That’s funny right there…) While they’re totally keeping you in the dark with any details about themselves. I’ve had enough one-sided friendships to last a lifetime. I try to be more careful these days …that I’m not the only one doing all the heavy lifting. It’s easy to fall into that in this pursuit as we all want to be liked and fit in. Especially in the early days. Gradually you wise up.
Grace, I had a presence on Flickr for a time and made one friend that I still email. She lives in Northern California and it’s close enough to Las Vegas that I am planning to meet up with her this Summer. I am on Flickr but have removed all my pictures.
I was on another site that is very safe and have met some really good friends there. I have one dear friend in England. I will probably not meet her in person, but she is a good a friend as a girl can have. We email each other almost every day. I also have girls an this site that are wonderful friends I think the world of. I have also developed friendships in person. I have a dear friend who lives in Southern California and we spend time with each other in Palm Spring. She is a beautiful woman who is fun to be with. We both feel comfortable out in the public, and always have a wonderful time when we are together.
I have found friendships with other like minded girls is so much different then any male friendships I have. They are deeper and more emotional, I feel I can tell them my deepest thought. Being able to chat about a new dress or hairstyle is such a joy. It enhances my feminine feeling and is one of the most important so side to this lifestyle. I love the few good friends I have made since I have discovered my feminine side.
I love to share pictures of myself with other girls and I have never used AI to be someone I am not. You see the real me, I don’t think I would win any beauty contest, but I like my presentation. It makes me happy to present as the woman I am comfortable with. I love making new friends, so have become lasting friends both on line and in person.
I am have difficulties with my wife, so expressing my feminine side is challenging right now. I am hoping that in time my wife will show some tolerance and give me the space to dress from time to time.
Thank you for the thoughtful post Grace.
Hugs Julie
Hi Julie, ya know I think I do recognize you from somewhere. Maybe Flick’r or CDH? I’m friends with a girl from England I met on the latter and I’m wondering if it’s the same lady? CD? If it is, she’s definitely a good girl. Some of the Brit girls…well, I’ll stop right there. (Not you Amanda🥰). CD and I, we chat a lot and it’s grown way beyond crossdressing. I consider her a good male friend these days.
I say often, that it takes a crossdresser to understand another crossdresser. That includes understanding wives. There’s stuff I’ll say to a sister that I’m not going to share with my wife. They’re only understanding to a point, god bless’em🥰
If you think about it – as soon as you meet another sister, she already knows your biggest secret…(well, let’s hope our little hobby is your biggest secret) – so if you have some other things in common, good chance you become besties. At least I think the odds are high. It’s why I’m in search of a real life one close enough to meet for coffee and talk shop with. It may never happen, who knows? Hit me up on Flick’r girl, and maybe we’ll start a chit-chat😊
I’ve just experienced horror followed by relief all in the space of a split second!
I do try not to let the side down but I’m perhaps a little ashamed to admit that if you saw my evil male twin, you’d probably fear the worst!
LOL! I was just telling a girlfriend the other day the same exact thing…if we “girlies” ever saw each other in drab mode, all these fantasies would vanish in one poof!!!🥰
‘one poof’?! Unfortunate choice of word given the subject matter and possibly an underestimation too 😂
Grace,
Welcome.
I have a gg friend and we talk like two girlfriends for hours a couple times a week, she is now 500 miles away. She will tell me things I don’t think she tells others. And I’ll leave it at that.
I have been ghosted several times. However, I think one was by death. Sammi had a feeling she wasn’t long for this world. And when you don’t know their name or location you never know for sure. Another transitioned including bottom surgery, and we had dwindling things to discuss. Then most might remember Nancy Boy, a fellow mod on a now defunct site.
I only exchange emails with one other cd, another mod with NB and me on the defunct site. I kid him that I’m not a cd since I haven’t worn any men’s clothes for weeks.
I try to keep a very low internet non-professional profile, so no flick’r or facebook and very little social media.
Orwell was right, big brother is watching.
Cali – I love the idea of a “GG” friend for sure. I kinda have one now and am getting to know her better before I reveal anything.
It’s true that you never know for sure the reason behind ghosting so you assume you did something to make them want to stop communicating. I’m sure there’s innocent explanations. And the nature of our business, crossdressing, has its ebbs and flows within all of us.
I can’t relate at all to girls having the bottom surgery. We’re definitely not gonna be besties anytime soon. I don’t know what mod means or NB. Which is fine with me.
Big brother IS watching for sure. But I take heart in the fact that it’s usually because he just wants to sell me something.☺️
Grace,
‘mod’ is short for ‘moderator’ of a site
‘NB’ is short for Nancy Boy. Before she/he died, she shared her male self (picture), real name, etc. on cd.com
Grace, I was both on CDH and flickr, I am glad you recognized me. Diane is the girl from England, and she is so sweet. You are right, I feel I can tell the few close girlfriends anything and they feel the same thing about me.
It is a wonderful experience to be able.to share a nice day with a close friend. I love shopping and being able to talk all thing feminine. These friendships whether in person or on line are the best part of being who we are. I think the world of each and everyone of them.
I would love to find you on Flickr. I love make friendships.
Hugs Julie
Julie I tried finding you on Flickr but there are several JDs there. I was unsuccessful. Maybe if you try to find me, I’m wearing sunglasses in my profile pic. I know who your “unreal” friend is as well😜. Had breakfast with her at KS last year.
I have to admit I like many of you was on flickr and a couple of other forums when I started to engage and admit I was a CD to myself. I posted pictures but soon came off, many for the reason mentioned I was uncomfortable with many of the messages from the admirers and also with over CD /TVs what seemed like genuine communications soon when to PMs and wanting to meet up.
For me what is important is to keep boundaries between the real and online world and between Tanja and my male self. I am lucky since I came out to partner she has accepted and embraced Tanja and along with her – another 3 friends and her daughter know and also have met and gone out with Tanja. I am comfortable with that, they are friends I knew before and spend time with in both formats. Neither my worl colleagues, long term male friends or kids have any ideas about Tanja and I like to keep it that way.
I appreciate that many of you would like to find a like minded CD friend to go out with or share experiences. I think that is why we have all found ourselves at Kandi’s Land. From the first time I read one of Kandi’s posts it really clicked and the content is all about make the most and getting the best experienced rather than the ” you look great, Hun, send me some pix” interactions on Flickr. Thanks Kandi as this is the first CD forum that I have found like-minded souls, and more importantly can share my thoughts and feelings.
Hey Geepey; I found this yesterday and am assuming you mean me! I am truly humbled by your words girlfriend. Thank you – I truly mean it. Once again one of the few girls in my virtual world who can write clearly, coherently and logically and spell (albeit AMERICAN English, not The Kings English!😂) and punctuate properly. I know you are not big on hugs and kisses but: ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️