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Filling The Void

Written about a month back, yours truly just rambling.....

A while back, I wrote an essay about “My Triggers“. It’s one of the best things I have ever written on the topic of….me, and one that resonated with many.

My three triggers were opportunity, idle time (idle mental time to be specific) and stress. That was in the pre-Kandi days, before there was ever the thought of dressing completely and creating a female persona and becoming the woman I have become.

Now approaching ten years being, living, breathing as Kandi, I still wrestle with things. I no longer loathe myself for these feelings, I treasure them. But I miss the man I have become as the woman I am. I know, I’ll explain.

I have quite a bit of downtime during the holidays. The company I drive for has their holiday shutdown. On the sales side, no one is doing anything until after the first of the year. With adult children, they visit, but it’s not quite a long as it used to be. My wife’s job never really changes in the context of the ebbs and flows in how I make a living. So while during any other month except December, I never sit still for hours on a Saturday afternoon. It’s rainy, no one is home, nothing is on TV, I write. Kandi is not really possible from a practical perspective for the holiday week, so there is nothing but idle time.

Because of my self-acceptance, I have changed in more ways than one. Accepting who I am, becoming Kandi has improved not only my life, but my masculinity, strange as that seems. I still am not as open about my feelings in the real world as I am here. I open my heart and mind and it all pours out. Around family, I remain somewhat guarded.

So how has my masculinity improved? I would say, in my male roles in life, I am better at them. I think I am a better parent (it helps having grown and successful children, so I have no every day parenting obligations). I am a better spouse to my wife. I am a better salesperson. When I get in front of people, they don’t realize it but Kandi is selling her ass off even if she is not actually “there”. I daily have those, I’ll be all-man today, thoughts (never completely possible because I made a certain wardrobe commitment many years ago). Not sure why, but a well assembled woman’s outfit trumps a well assembled male outfit all day, every day. I still get a bit of a male high when I am able to waddle for a great five mile run (I am 15 pounds heavier that that person who qualified for Boston) and I cherish them. Without feverishly following sports anymore, I can have a lengthy dialog with anyone about our sports teams and have them leave knowing I know more about what is going on than they do. Many years of life experience has made me wise and that and five bucks won’t get me a grande latte at Starbucks.

Still, ten years in. Walking the runway, being in movies, doing photoshoots, attending wonderful events in Erie and at Keystone, becoming an essential part of many local institutions, being a member of the Sherry Christmas gang…….all of these things, the ability to scratch the Kandi itch at a high level. But even now, when the mind grows quiet, here she comes again! She is still always the space filler. She still bridges the gap between one thought or task to the next. Kandi still is my default mindset, she remains my operating system. Ten years in…..she still fills the void.

I do not expect that to ever change.

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6 Responses

  1. Kandi,
    I guess the big difference between us is you are happy to allow and even encourage the masculine side to come through , you can see the benifits . At times I find I have to walk on eggshells because I don’t want that side exposed but it’s so hard at times to stop it . I have a background in electronics and heavy current circuitry , I have thirty years photography and associated trades . I have built two homes for myself and renovated two each for my son and daughter and many jobs for family and close friends . So I have a range of knowledge on so many subjects , the problem is I find it hard to ignore that knowledge . To some I must come over as a dizzy blond but underneath I’m having to hold my tongue when I hear people unable to do jobs I could probably handle in a few minutes . I appreciate there women as capable but many who aren’t , nowdays when I show people round my home I play down the fact that I’ve done all the renovation work but when I do slip up it does raise a few eyebrows .
    I admit being Teresa is so important to me , the male core has served his purpose but I know it will never leave me , now I wish I had more of the things women take for granted , I would love to be more capable with my sewing machine and sewing abilities . The great thing is art isn’t gender specific , we can do that on equal terms .

    1. so many people struggle their entire lives to find that “me”, and for many it has nothing to do with their gender.

      I know I do every single day of my life and that will never change.

  2. Good Morning Kandi,
    This essay is terrific. It is rich with thought provoking and life affirming ideas. Of course there are a tremendous variety of experiences, intentions, goals, and desires that individuals in and around ‘this’ component of the world may have, but your perspective on the peaceful, if not mutually beneficial, coexistence and nature of the male side and the femme side will resonate with many, myself included. Like yours, and I believe also that of Hannah McKnight, I value and enjoy both sides of my existence. Perhaps this is a fortunate place to be given that there are many who have profound difficulties with where they are and where they want to be.

    The matter of, ahem, getting older……yes, I know……as a lifelong athlete getting slower, weaker, more easily injured…….hmmm what to do? Keep going as best as possible, and then go shopping!
    Have a good week up there in Cleveland. Onward for all of us!
    Best to you,
    Marissa in Ohio

  3. Kandi I do understand the aspect of our lives of duality, we know our biology but our brain doesn’t always fit that
    Yes my guy side can be different than Rachael’s but she is always in the background
    Love that black an white polka dot by the way, so cute

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