I have been asked to be reflective and journalize my feelings for a possible television documentary. Whether or not this actually happens, only time will tell, but this has been an on-going conversation for a few years. So this post is partially about how I feel about my femineity. I will ask and try to answer some honest questions.
Would I like to be a woman? Yes, I would, 100% percent. This I know. However, would I like to make the sacrifices necessary to make that happen and lose whatever I would lose?
I cannot know exactly what I would lose, but on some level, I would lose friendships and completely alter an almost 40-year marriage. I would potentially lose the trust of the most important human being on the planet to me; I may lose how I make a living. I could change the circumstances of how I live, where I live, so the answer to that question is definitely no, I am not willing to make those sacrifices. We do not live in a black and white world, I am firmly in the grey.
Do I not want to be male? No, I do like being a guy. But there is no secret here the joy that Kandi brings me, that she is. This is always there, it cannot be denied. It fills every idle thought in my head, which is why I drive myself to do other things. Why I drove myself to be a competitive runner, why I play pickleball, why I work out daily, why I try to avoid doing nothing. I work different jobs out of necessity, but to also keep my mind busy. The thought of being a woman does not flood in and wash over everything, by no means. But when there is that hole in the dyke, it blows right through. It fills every and any void I leave open.
So, the old fantasy question, there is a blue and a pink pill sitting in front of you. You can take that pink pill and become a woman. Skip all the difficulty of transitioning, but the collateral damage will happen. You may lose family, friends, your marriage, what have you. Or you could take that blue pill and remain male and kill off all feminine feelings, and any desire to be a woman. What would you do?
I have always said, I will always prefer a simpler life to complications. Pass me a glass of water so I can wash down that blue pill. I am certain of that. I say that knowing I would lose that joy you see in my face, the joy of the right outfit, the joy from the smile or a compliment from a stranger, those don’t ever come from that blue pill. I would lose the thrill of a short skirt, a pretty dress, a great pair of heels, just the right purse. Life is never, ever easy. It is layered, complex, full of twists and turns. There are days of sameness, days that shape your life and change your future. Not simple. We pick back up on days three and four of a strong four-day Kandi run.
April 26, 2025, a fun evening, but it took its toll! I was invited out by my friend Jennifer from the art museum. She, I and two of her friends attended a Pampered Chef party, went to one bar for dinner and laughs and then another for Karaoke. All I can say, and all I can remember, was I laughed pretty good for hours. What fun!
Much of the fun from the previous night was lubricated, so April 27, 2025, was a day laden with day-long exhaustion and a mild hangover. I had promised to meet Sherry and Chyna for brunch, so I made a morning of it. I got out the door pretty early, did some shopping at Walmart, poked around a Target to kill some time and then went to church. As always, I was happy on many, many levels that I did. The love I undeservedly receive there never ceases to amaze me! Sherry had to cancel for good reason, so it was Chynna and me. I got to the bar about an hour early, did some work, wrote part of this post and just enjoyed being in my Easter dress. I always enjoy time spent with Chynna. She is intelligent, we have real, very easy, conversations. I value her friendship.
This was my look, and photographic evidence that Chy and I were together. Four fun and very, very different adventures: the beach; art museum appreciation event; parties and karaoke; and church and brunch with a dear friend. Not bad.
8 Responses
Kandi, I love your Easter dress and shoes. The picture of you and Chynna is wonderful. Your nighttime outfit is cute too, perfect for an evening with your friends.
Kandi,
So much to decide but what would the proposed documentary expect of you , what would be the bias of their story ? Are they expecting you to talk about your life as a woman or you life as a crossdresser ?
When it comes down to it’s not so black and white as I’ve discovered , simply taking a blue pill or a pink pill as a final solution would still make you no more or less than Kandi , she would still be part of you .You know you can achieve a balance whereas I couldn’t , I had to accept how the dice landed and live with the gains and losses . Thankfully I gained far more than I lost because I became what I truly wanted to be , the happiness I achieved has been my saviour .
I feel your wife understands how much you need Kandi , she knows it makes you a more rounded person . While you don’t force it upon her , she could possibly live with a full time Kandi at home if you took that decision but could she live with you away from your home environment ? Maybe she could if you accepted a more blended look , because she would need to be comfortable with you as a female companion . Obviously the problem she may not like is being considered a lesbian , which is something I had thrown back at me and something some women are very sensitive about .
We talk about the dilemma as possibly making a wrong decision but really it’s about making the right decision , I often refer to it as part of an equation but unlike maths there is no correct answer just the one that works for you . The problem is some of the questions can’t be answered until you’ve made the decision , I admit that can be scary because for me it was beyond the point on no return .
Teresa, this documentary and my participation pre-dates COVID-19, so I put zero stock into it. When asked for something, I respond and if it goes any further, I’m a big girl and won’t do anything stupid or harmful. But rest assured, it is meant to shine a very positive light. I attended the pilot premier a long time ago and met those behind all of it. So, we’ll just see where this goes. 😊
It’s not really a fair question to yourself. You let Kandi have all the fun, it’s only natural to pick living as a woman under those circumstances. What if you tried it everyday for six months? Experience all the humdrum, the troubles, etc of everyday life and not just the dinners and galas and gushing of strangers over your outfit. What then? I think so many of us ponder this question and it’s important to answer it with as much information as possible.
Appreciate your thoughts! I always write like this is the first time someone is reading me, which I assume happens occasionally. I want a newbie or someone struggling with their own version of all of this to know they are not alone, and we all have different views. I “asked” myself that question in response to a read on my state of mind for the TV producers.
Angela,
That is a very good suggestion six months full time ( no cheating ) is a great leveler . I admit I did cheat as I walked my dog in the morning in male mode at first , after a few weeks it didn’t feel right but the problem was I’d met several dog walkers . I’ wasn’t sure if I’d created a problem but they soon became use to me , that was almost 7 years ago , people only see me as Teresa now .
I’ve never found it humdrum because it does smooth out the troubles of everyday life and there’s no question it is more fun , life feels so much better .
Kandi, I think that would be such a positive idea to have you in a documentary. You are such a positive person and someone who would shine a positive light on just who we are as a community. I think in these times of diminished acceptance of the Trans community, we need to be out there showing how we are be just like everyone else. You would be a wonderful person to tell that story.
I feel just as you do about me feminine side. I feel so good when I am wearing that cute dress, or have my makeup just right. It is so much fun being able to express my female gender.
Fingers crossed….