Recently JJ Atwell, writing on Stana’s blog, wrote a blog entry about the need to practice being a good crossdresser, quoting the old line that the best way to get to Carnegie Hall is to “practice, practice, practice.” Meanwhile, right here at Kandi’s Land, we recently read a heartfelt post by Gwen called “What Transitioning Was Like For Me” in which she described experiencing dysphoria. Dysphoria was relieved by exploration. Exploration led to acceptance and finally affirmation. Affirmation became a lifeline for her, so that she could fully integrate Gwen and ultimately develop euphoria. All the while, she was clear in her post that she has retained who she is as a person.
These blog posts represent contrasting approaches in an important way. Like Gwen, I have transitioned and transformed myself. Yet, I have retained who I have always been, and I remain happily married to my soulmate. JJ’s viewpoint, however, doesn’t reflect even a small bit of my reality. Why do I say that? Because I have not been “practicing” to be a woman at any point in my life. When I was fully closeted, I never felt like being out among other people was a stage show, for which I needed to prepare. Rather, going out felt like freedom to be me, and I wanted to be the best version of me as possible. I took makeup lessons because, like all women, I wanted to look my best. I developed a female voice because I wanted the expressive woman to be as accepted as the receptive woman. I carefully shopped for clothes to develop a personal style with clothes that flattered my figure. Even wigs and shapewear were used temporarily by me so that I could look on the outside how I felt on the inside. I wasn’t dressing for anyone but me, and like at least a few other women, I needed years of exploration to make up for the fact I missed out on the opportunity to define my personal style as a teenager/young woman.
As an aside, I feel the same way (again, as applied to me) when I read in various comments about being CD/TG that “you can fool some of the people some of the time….you can’t fool all of the people all of the time.” I have never tried to “fool” anyone. Certainly some folks want to do that – sort of the Halloween all year round version of femulating. Not me. When I am myself I am being very real with everyone I meet; indeed, they are seeing the real version of me. It isn’t something I practiced and it is the exact opposite of fooling – it is being honest and truthful.
Reflecting on my own approach, I realize now that although I “crossdressed” (and even self-identified as a crossdresser for many years), crossdressing for me always was a coping mechanism. Indeed, crossdressing was a forced habit. While it allowed me to explore the feminine world, it felt like a form of exploration forced on me by my circumstances — taking a drug to dull the ache I felt because I was put into the male gender box from the time of my birth. For most of my life, from puberty onward, I couldn’t understand why I felt the way I did. I wanted to conform. So I covered up my true self with facial hair and a practiced form of male bravado. I used overwork as a coping mechanism. Indeed, overwork was my most consistent and overused coping mechanism. From the time I entered school I buried myself in schoolwork, sports, organized activities and part-time employment. I was told repeatedly (by parents, teachers, friends and healthcare providers) that I needed to slow down or I would burn myself out. I didn’t listen, because I needed the work to keep my mind off my gender. Once I entered the professional world after my formal education, I buried myself first in my profession, then in fatherhood, and finally in kids activities. When the kids were grown, I didn’t slow down. In fact, I just filled my day with more work and different activities.
But I paid a price for that overwork. I suffered from stress and burnout, and although to my knowledge I never slid into clinical depression, I am sure I was very close on many occasions. My body kept the score, as I developed many illnesses associated with stress, all of which involve inflammation. Finally, I got to the point where I couldn’t keep up the pace, and with the help of my family, I began to embrace a more intelligent lifestyle. Bravo you may say. But remember that overwork was one of my coping mechanisms. Without it, I was forced to spend time focused on the real issue: trying hard to live in the wrong gender.
All along life’s journey, I found that if I dressed in women’s clothing, I felt better and less stressed. It seemed to be a simple approach that involved no real harm to anyone else. At first, my facial hair meant that I needed to dress in private. Ironically, at the time I thought that perhaps I was using crossdressing to address work stress. After I tried a long purge and drought (five years!), which required me to lean completely on overwork to cope, I started to see my crossdressing differently. I desperately wanted to go out among so-called civilians as a woman. Why, I wondered at the time, did I want to be out in public dressed as a woman, if I was really a man trying to address his work stress through crossdressing? If all I needed was a pressure release valve, occasionally dressing at home should have done the trick. I know the answer now, and since my foreshadowing is wretched, you have already seen it too. Crossdressing was not addressing my workaholism, it was really my most effective coping mechanism in its own right. Crossdressing was something that happened right along with overwork, from grade school onward. They walked hand in hand to class and then into the work world.
Lest anyone think that crossdressing is a healthy coping mechanism, allow me to disabuse you of that notion, at least in relation to me. People in our generation were taught that crossdressing is a moral (and religious) failure, a sign of male weakness, and potentially a danger to society (lest young people be tempted to “convert” to the abomination. We absorbed those lessons and crossdressing became a guilty passion we hid. Seems a little less healthy for me when viewed in that light. I have carried guilt not only for the reasons stated, but also because I knew that time spent crossdressing was time not spent being the man of the house, as I had promised my lovely wife. Coming to grips with my true identity as a transgender woman has not helped me with guilt yet, since society hates transgender women even more than crossdressers. Also, being myself requires my wife to confront many more issues than simply the idea that her husband occasionally likes to dress pretty.
Yet, I know that I am much better off today. I no longer am a workaholic. About the only thing I can be accused of overdoing is exercising too much. I no longer am “crossdressing.” I am simply dressing in my clothes, going about my day-to-day life expressing the real me. I feel no inner conflict now about how I dress, except when I am forced (as a woman) to dress as a man. If I can get away with androgynous clothing, I do it to avoid the issue. Typically, that means the only thing I wear that is not designed for a woman is a man’s shirt that my wife has bought me. All of my swimwear, biking, skiing, and running outfits were purchased from the women’s side of the store.
The point of all these details is to affirm that I no longer need coping mechanisms. I still must hide my identity on occasion, but those situations are sufficiently rare that they cause me little distress. Being almost retired has certainly helped me to avoid both overwork and distress at playing a role that I never could embrace.
For you dear reader, I offer little in the way of advice. After all, I am neither a psychologist nor therapist; I am only an expert in being me. I give you my personal experience for you to consider within the framework of your world. I will say, however, that if crossdressing is simply a fun game, then you have gleaned little useful information here. Similarly if crossdressing represents a healthy coping mechanism for you, and it works well without undue negative consequences, then bully for you. Keep it up. Addressing the negative aspects of crossdressing certainly is easier than addressing the negative aspects of being a transgender woman, particularly if you are married.
Living as a woman requires those of us who identify as transgender to navigate around minefields, even as we achieve acceptance of ourselves and affirmation from others. Gwen attested to that reality in her essay. No free tea party for us, ladies! The good news is that I am happy being me. I would much rather navigate a few minefields than die prematurely from the time bomb that was sitting in the back of brain, ticking, ticking, ticking (incessantly). My coping mechanisms couldn’t defuse the time bomb. In fact, although the coping mechanisms seemed to provide protection, that time bomb was still ticking. It could have gone off at any time.
Thankfully, my time bomb is now defused. It was defused by two safety keys; acceptance of myself and affirmation from others.
16 Responses
Lisa,
Thankyou so much for a truthful post , I must admit much of the time I was nodding in agreement .
It raises the question why does society have a problem with the transgender community OR are many of those problems hidden within us ? I still call the male crossdressing situation as living in a male straightjacket , we are born boys with all the hangups that associate with it , our futures are so clearly marked out with parents who are dictated to by public pressure . Thankfully society has changed but we can never rest easy , as the Supreme Court ruling has shown .
Just a thought about fooling our community , my ex was very much on that wavelength but it’s not a case of fooling people it’s more baout being totally honest with yourself .Eight years ago full time wasn’t easy because it went hand in hand with my transition , I had chosen to become Teresa so now I had to convince others , this wasn’t fooling around this was for real , the big question , could I pull it off ?
Perhaps I’m one of the lucky ones because blending in didn’t appear to be a problem , I must have been doing something right , evenso I didn’t expect to gain the level of acceptance I have . Life is very normal ( if I’m allowed to use that word ) , I’ve become part of other people’s lives with more friends than I ever had as a man . I have to admit being single does help , I have no one pulling me back , the little voice on my shoulder telling me what i’m doing is WRONG ! What I’m doing is so RIGHT , it feels good .
Teresa, I must admit that as I wrote this essay I wondered if only you and Gwen and one or two others would find anything to identify in it. Yet, I shared it because it is an honest assessment and therefore might resonate with someone I don’t even know.
I still pinch myself that I have found a way to live in stealth after transitioning so late in life and that living this way has brought me a dozen new and special friends who simply see me as their friend Lisa, simple as that. Somehow my wife manages not to let it ruin her life.
Lisa
Lisa,
Thank you for a very open and honest telling of your life and struggles. I am happy to hear of your eventual “self fulfillment” (I’m not sure if that is the right descriptor).
Each of our life stories are different. Some have a better outcome than others. You know mine, as told by me last year.
I know you will be happy to the end being you, as I will be content being me.
Love,
Jocelyn
Jocelyn,
You are always so sweet. So I know who you are — a kind and wonderful person.
We all are just “human beans” (as one of my middle school classmates dubbed us), trying to make our way through life, with all its complications.
Lisa
Lisa, very well written post. I enjoy your posts here. Have to say I agree with much of it. I identify myself as transgender as well. I didn’t initially (started as a CD, then gender fluid and finally transgender) but over time it became obvious to me. Being retired has offered me more time to think. Lisa, like you I buried myself in work for most of my life, but being retired things change.
At the end of the day I found there were 2 key things I needed to satisfy.
1) Be my authentic self. Authenticity was the goal.
2) Feeling affirmation (because many of us get imposter syndrome)
Being honest with myself, being authentic meant being a trans woman. I looked at CDing as a part time hobby and this to me was not a hobby when I looked at how I felt about it. I feel affirmed dressing as a woman. One can call it a coping mechanism for dysphoria, but I just view it as being affirmed. Being addressed as Christina is affirmation. My wife does things all the time that affirm me like give me flowers or offer to paint my nails. Just being my “true self” instead of a “version of myself” that I was living as a male through life. As it stands now, I am not out to anyone other than my wife. We’ll see if that changes over time.
-Christina
Christina,
Thank you for sharing your experience. I too love being affirmed by my wife. Flowers are always great, as are small feminine gifts that show she “gets” me. I never forget that acceptance is itself for a journey for those closest to us. Some refuse to embark on the journey. My wife has not refused—she is only willing to take baby steps. Change has always been easy for me and hard for her, so I try to be as understanding and appreciative as possible.
I hope you get more opportunities to be Christina. My heart is glad every time I hear my name on the lips of another person.
Lisa
it seems that most of us go through all kinds of mental torture. one of the biggest contributors is probably guilt. hopefully some day society will accept us as we are but nothing stops us from erasing this false guilt I sure feel a lot better since I said “screw it”
Emily,
Guilt is a curse, for sure. But hard to ignore. My therapist constantly reminds me that I should feel no guilt for being who I am.
Lisa
Lisa,
Much of what you wrote could have been me. I too had the ‘facial hair mask’ until the late 80’s (I also had hair to mid-back then too). I wish I had hair now, I am so envious of yours, but genetics had other plans for me. If I were to transition, I would first want my own hair.
I’ve entered a bi-gender zone. I only feel I am crossdressing when I have male clothes on and usually it’s only a shirt.
I realized years ago that I was a girly-girly, always envious of women’s nails, makeup, heels; now women are envious of my nails and heels. And I love it.
Lisa – I’m so happy (downright envious) of what you have done.
Cali
Cali,
We all face limitations. My endocrinologist recently reminded me that women come in all shapes and sizes. It was her way of reprimanding me for wanting more out of my transition. Nails, makeup and heels well put together are your way of announcing “Cali is here.” And I say, “you go, girl!”
Lisa
Cali is alive and present from the moment I get home from work to the moment I leave for work. Sitting here typing in a VS bikini top, lacie thong and Express 2″ corduroy shorts and Express fleece zip hoodie. Mascara, rings, and necklace.
And wore my suede JS stilettos to work today, 5 inch heels.
Lisa,
Oh to be the perfect woman ! Was I a perfect man ? No way !
I know we start off hoping we can gain perfection , lets face it most of our needs can be bought off the shelf but we soon realise we fall well short . Your endocrinologist was right there is no perfect woman because they come in all sahpes and sizes . How many times have we overheard conversations where women complain about being the wrong shape , their boobs ar either too big or too small they wish they had better shaped legs . It must be so frustating to some when they realise a CDing husband actually looks more attractive than them when fully dressed . I never saw it as a competition with my ex , we were different people with totally different figures , I might have started off by borrowing her clothes but when I started to visit mainly charity shops I chose what I felt suited me , of course I got it wrong sometimes but then so do most women .
I chose to go out as Teresa every day , I had to accept the demands every single morning to achieve that but I couldn’t live the alternative . I don’t aim for perfection because no woman does on a daily basis , I always wear makeup , I have to rest my nails sometimes as they need to naturally recover . I wish I had my own hair , this is where it’s important to chose a wig which is easy to wear everyday , looks right and is easy to care for , I also make sure I have a spare of the same style and colour . This made the time on my cruise easier as I could wear one in the daytime and if it needed washing I could use the spare for the evening meal and attending the shows , not one person has questioned me about wearing a wig .
Teresa,
I probably would not say I “fall short” (except that I feel that way about my role as a husband occasionally). But not as a woman. I am comfortable with who I am. As you say, there isn’t a woman out there who doesn’t see some flaw that she would like to fix. Guess what? The flaws just keep on coming, because we are getting older, and age brings with it even more mirror challenges. You and me, all we can try to do is be the best versions of ourselves this very day. Plus be kind to others, always….
Lisa
Hi Lisa, Thank you for your article. It well expresses my own understanding of self & my personal circumstances. As you well know my Christian faith tempers much of my expression said self. And to be fully transparent it does so to the point (at least from my perspective) of getting in the way.
Crossdressing never truly “scratched the itch” satisfactorily. Doing so always felt like I was masquerading. Why? Because CDing didn’t bring me any closer to being a woman. Looking like a woman was not what I was desiring at my deepest core level. Being is what I desired. Putting on clothes that are designated female doesn’t make one a woman.
It took quite a bit of living, wrestling with my feelings especially in reference to my faith, study from a medical / psychological perspective that 2.5 years ago brought me to the place where I finally concluded; which in not really the right word, though it was a conclusion, that I am transgendered. “Acknowledge” and “accept” give a fuller view of my conclusion; I am transgender and though being so does not automatically mean one is a woman, in my case it does. This is the one explanation of many that I tried over the years that resonates with my faith. Thus like any woman who wants to express who she is by outward presentation so am I. Therefore in light of this understanding of self, doing so is now done without the oppressive guilt.
The correctness of this conclusion was borne out to me after many weeks of therapy when my therapist said, “Charlene, I believe Charlene is who you really are. You actually are a woman at your core. You only live as Mr. X because it is the way you have been taught to be and you adopted it as a means of survival.” Years early an MD, a fully transitioned trans woman and a woman of Christian faith as myself, who worked with trans folk gave me the same diagnosis, but I was not ready at that time to accept it.
Today? Today I am free to dress around my house within my wife’s limits. And actually those limits are fairly liberal. But my self imposed limits, largely faith governed, are still there.
However, the frustration is not near as great as I reason any other woman I know has her limits and restraints, thus can I as a woman expect anything less. “As a woman” this mind shift, this understanding, acceptance, conclusion, embrace; call it what you want has truly helped me both handle present dysphoria and provide hope for my future as I contemplate the possibilities and next steps.
Kindly,
Charrie
Charrie,
I cannot add a single thing to what you said. You are honoring who you are. May we all be so brave!
Lisa