By Professor Amanda J.

I’ve had several attempts at writing the finale to this series.  I’ve gone down many blind alleys trying to find something more meaningful than just saying the trite and overused ‘if I can do it, so can you’ or something more interesting than a long rambling diatribe.  The task was made all the more difficult due to the fact that many of the attempts were written before 12 November last year – a date that will become significant towards the end of this post – and felt very much like a leap into the unknown with no basis in reality.   I’d actually come up with the title in one of my early attempts; of course it’s attributable to possibly the greatest intergalactic traveller ever – Buzz Lightyear – but it seemed strangely apt to describe the moment when we realise that there are no limits to what we can achieve.  Most of what followed the title in the early attempts went nowhere but the title seemed too good to trash so let’s give it another go.

The concept of infinity, of course, contains the fundamental premise that there are no boundaries and looking back over my own journey, I realised how many boundaries I have had to overcome.   But were those really boundaries?  The fact that I crossed more or less each and every one of them with ease certainly suggested that they were little more than illusory and, if I’m honest, in truth most were only there before they were breached because I lacked the confidence to confront them.

In many respects, the life of a closeted CDer is two dimensional.  She lives in a two-dimensional world defined by the two dimensional photographs she posts on social media and her reflection in a two dimensional mirror.  Look at a photograph or mirror from the side and there’s nothing to see.  Worse still, those photos and mirrors set boundaries – we can’t see beyond the edges of those photos and the mirror is only useful while we’re standing in front of it.  And yet our three dimensional world is infinitely larger and by confining ourselves to those two dimensional images or even to the confines of the closet, which again has clearly defined boundaries, we miss out on the amazing experiences that our three dimensional world has to offer.

Fortunately, breaking free of the constraints that define our boundaries is easy.  We just need to think differently.

So what are the boundaries we need to breach?  Well, the first and most obvious one is the four walls of our home.  In part 5, I talked about breaking free from their confines and experiencing the outside world but I am sure that pretty well everyone breathes a sigh of relief when, after their first outing they return to the safety of their home and close the front door behind them.  It’s a natural feeling but contrast that with our male lives when we come and go without any such hangups.   Some may seek to reassure us with the trite ‘it gets easier the more you do it’ which, of course is true but that’s not because practice makes perfect but rather because we start to confront our maleness and realise that all of the conventions that society attaches to it are just that – conventions – and not inviolable laws.

The expression ‘dressed as a woman’ is unfortunate as it immediately defines our maleness.  After all, we would never use those words to define a genetic female would we?  And to make matters worse, we often don’t make it easy for ourselves.  In my case ‘his’ clothes hang in a wardrobe in the bedroom, ‘her’ clothes are in three heavy duty plastic sacks, sealed with cable ties and hidden away in the roof space accessible only by retrieving a ladder.  It’s hardly surprising therefore that whilst I frequently dressed as a woman, any semblance of womanhood itself seemed unreachable.

At this point, I want to reiterate an assertion I’ve made a few times in the past.  I’m not a woman trapped in a man’s body, I don’t suffer from debilitating gender dysphoria and there are elements of my male life – most notably being a husband and father – that are far more important to me than any feminine desires I may have.  But I do look on women with admiration and a tinge of envy because their life, or at least some aspects of it, seems somehow appealing.  But what I came to realise was that whilst there are immutable biological and emotional differences between males and females, pretty well everything we do thereafter is arbitrarily determined by society.  There is no law that says I have to relinquish being a husband and father if I want to wear a dress and heels and there is definitely no law that says I need to relinquish the dress and heels if I want to be a husband and father.  And as I came to realise that, what seemed like a gulf between where I was and womanhood narrowed until it was just a small gap, easy to step over.  Because what my chromosomes say in this respect is for the most part irrelevant; for much of my life they guide me to adopt a traditionally masculine role but they absolutely do not prevent me from crossing the line when I want to or feel a need to.  Because in the end, I’m just me.

But, of course, that’s all very well in theory but, as a sixty something guy, I haven’t had the benefit of being a teenage girl, schooled by her mother and sisters in the dark arts of facial transformation with makeup.  And to make matters worse, I had 60+ years of male mannerisms to deal with.    And those define another boundary we need to push back – the limits posed by our transformational skills.  And there really is far more to transformation than just looking like a woman when standing still.  We have to learn to move and behave like women too.

This is one area where the maxim ‘practice makes perfect’ really does ring true and it does get easier the more you do it.   Fortunately, these days we have YouTube where there are videos on pretty well every aspect of makeup application and deportment and the secret is to break the whole process down into its constituent parts.  When I stopped thinking of it as putting on makeup and started to think of it as applying foundation, blusher, eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara and lipstick etc. as individual elements, I soon realised the areas that needed work and progress was quickly made.

Quick progress can be made with deportment too once the differences between men and women have been identified.  Women tend to take smaller steps with one foot placed more or less in front of the other, their arms tend to be more tucked in and most walk with a straighter back to counteract the weight of their boobs (which, girls, are apparently quite a lot heavier than a pair of rolled up socks stuffed into a bra!).  Practise these and they soon become second nature; walking in heels takes practice, not least because the body needs to compensate for the different orientation of the feet but again, there is plenty of advice on YouTube.  But a word of caution, over the top ‘caricatured’ female mannerisms will give the game away just as quickly as ‘blokeish’ ones – like everything we do, it has to be nuanced.

In reality, we may not realise that we’ve crossed the last two boundaries because it’s a gradual process.  But one day, it’ll hit us – we’ve been looking in the mirror and no longer see ‘him’ by default.  Instead, we’re seeing someone who, to our eyes, is irrefutably female.  We feel euphoric and realise that all of the struggles and anxieties have not been in vain and at long last the inner woman is flourishing.  But will others see what we see?

Look on any CD themed forum or website where photos are posted and there are plenty of examples of attractive CDers.  And the outfits of many conform to what is almost a uniform for the community – the classic office look comprising a tailored dress or skirt suit, courts/pumps with a 3”-4” stiletto heel, heavy makeup, particularly on the eyes and lips, and an attractive longer length hairstyle.  As I’ve said in previous posts, most of us are heterosexual males so there’s an inevitability that our first outfits will conform to what many of us find attractive.  And those of us who have sought affirmation through complimentary comments will lap up the praise that our adoring followers pile onto us with every photo we post.

But ironically, those clothes set boundaries for us.  To use an extreme example, we wouldn’t dress in our most glamourous outfit and highest heels to play a game of tennis.  We’d look out of place, what we’re intending to do doesn’t require that amount of ‘getting ready’ and the shoes at best would impede our game and could quite possibly leave us with a broken ankle before the end of the game.  And whilst less extreme, it’s a similar story if we venture into the local town centre.  Outside of the morning & evening rush hours and lunch times, you’ll see few, if any women dressed in anything approaching classic officewear – most will be dressed casually in jeans, sweaters/T-shirts & coats (depending on the season) and flat soled boots/shoes.  If you want to stand out and be noticed, then it’s absolutely fine to wear whatever you want (but do remember why most women leave the heels for special occasions and don’t use them for daily wear!) but if you want to blend in, then take note of what women normally wear wherever it is you’re planning on going and follow suit.

Of course, it’s a big deal to leave the glamour, which we all rely on to a great extent, at home and go out wearing clothes which are not too dissimilar to what ‘he’ would wear.  And yet, by going with the flow, so to speak, other people are less inclined to notice us and, even if they do, will almost certainly not feel the need to scrutinise us.

And with that change of outlook, another boundary has disappeared.  Or to put it another way, if you want to play tennis, dress appropriately and buy a tennis dress & shoes!

I talked about ‘passing’ in part 4 so no need to go over old ground here.  But I would like to say that fear of not passing provides a significant boundary for many but pretty well every CDer who goes out and about, myself included, will say that it doesn’t matter.  What we are actually seeking is acceptance as a female and behaving in a manner befitting of a female will gain far more respect & acceptance than merely just looking like one ever will.

And that’s particularly important when interacting with others.  Whilst a CDer may be fine with the idea of being in the outside world, fear of interaction with others can pose a significant boundary.  If effectively precludes buying anything while out and about.  And yet, as I said in part 2, sales assistants are really only interested in giving good service and making the sale.  They don’t care how you’re dressed or what your biological sex is – they just want your money and, if you’re really lucky, they’ll give you liberal amounts of flattery to make sure they close the sale and get repeat business in the future!  And with that first interaction, another boundary disappears.

I have been able to write most of the foregoing from my own experiences with just a small amount of enhancement drawn from the experiences of others related here.  I have gone from being a deeply closeted CDer to someone quite happy to be out and about, interacting with sales assistants without any reluctance or fear.  But I still have one significant boundary and that’s the one between my male and female lives.  No one in my male life, other than Mrs A, knows that I’m a CDer and even she has no idea of the extent of my female identity.  What would the reaction be if I disclosed it to friends or other family members?  They know that I try not to take life too seriously so possibly mild amusement at another one of my jokes and then shock when they realised I wasn’t joking.  Perhaps even a degree of admiration that the scruffy individual they know scrubs up reasonably well as a female.  Would it change relationships?  Maybe and it’s that element of doubt that keeps me from announcing that, from time to time, I prefer to be called Amanda.

But it has crossed my mind.  Maybe deep down I would rather like someone from my male world to tell me that, all in all, I make a pretty good woman.  Or am I perhaps hoping that I’ll be included in girls’ nights out or be able to develop deep but non-threatening friendships with other females.  Or possibly it’s just a case that maintaining secrecy is emotionally exhausting.  Whether it’s one or more of those or a completely different reason buried in my subconscious I know not but what I do know is if I did decide to disclose this side of me, I would need to choose the recipient of the information very carefully.

The first issue, of course, is that unless a conscious decision to be out to the world is being made, by asking whoever we tell not to tell anyone, we’re asking them to do exactly the opposite of what we’re doing by telling them!!  And that’s a bit rich if our motivation for telling them is to relieve the emotional stresses of secrecy which in turn begs the question as to whether it’s even fair to demand secrecy as part of the act of disclosure.  We can ask for discretion but things can slip out accidentally and what then?  Do we blame our confidante for breaking the confidence or ourselves for setting the whole thing in train in the first place?

And secondly, we have to be prepared that the reaction we get is not what we expect or hope for.  Our confidante may be fine with the idea that some guys prefer to dress and present as females but draw the line at affording them all of the privileges of womanhood.  Female friends may love the idea of getting glammed up for a girls’ night out with us but be uncomfortable about us accompanying them to the ladies’ room.   If they know us in our normal male guise, they may find it impossible to look at us in any other way than a ‘him in a dress’, no matter how good the results of our transformation are.  We just have no way of knowing and there are plenty of stories on the online forums to underline the pitfalls of disclosure to friends or family members.

And whilst the thrust of this post is very much about removing boundaries, many of us including me have decided that that particular boundary is better left in place.    And there’s no shame in doing that because, in the end, it’s our life and we need to do what we want – breaking through our own self-imposed boundaries can set us free and fulfil us, crossing the boundaries of others, whether or not explicitly stated, carries risk and there’s no shame in taking the view that the risk to the relationship/friendship is unacceptably high.

Before I bring this series to a close, I need to pass the baton on to my co-contributors here.  Every single one of them is a credit to our community and a constant source of inspiration and guidance for us less experienced souls.  They constantly demonstrate that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself and the only reason I have ever had a fighting chance of breaking down my self-imposed boundaries is because of their support and encouragement.   And if you do nothing else, read Kandi’s ‘Be…’.  It’s an absolute masterpiece and wiser words to our community have never been spoken!

And that only leaves me to wrap things up with the final takeaways – ten this time as I want to draw on the whole series, not just this part:

1.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling the need to CD.  It’s a part of who you are and nothing to be ashamed of.  It’s something that will never leave you and the feelings may well intensify as you get older so the sooner you can accept this side of yourself, the sooner you can enjoy the wonderful opportunities and experiences that come with it.

2.  Shopping is fun!  Shopping in guy mode is not a barrier to getting the items you want for yourself and sales assistants are far more eager to close the sale than they are to analyse the transaction to figure out exactly who you’re buying for.  Even if they do guess, they’ve seen it all before and if they do say something that indicates they realise it’s for you, either laugh it off or be proud of who you are.

3.  The CDer community is a wonderful source of support and full of people just like you who are only too happy to offer advice and encouragement.  You can participate in forums as much or as little as you want to and no one will ever be able to guess your true identity from a forum post.  Even posting photos carries negligible risk of being recognised as long as you take basic precautions.

4.  Don’t obsess about ‘passing’ because, particularly in the early days of your CDing journey, someone will always guess your secret.  Just set out to be the best you can possibly be and, by demonstrating your respect to womanhood and what it means, acceptance & respect will almost always be returned to you.

5.  Breaking free from the confines of the closet and experiencing your feminine life in the outside world is a feeling like no other.  Dress appropriately for your surroundings, keep the heels at a height that is comfortable to walk or stand in for long periods, tone down the makeup a little & take basic precautions and few if any will notice you.

6.  Remember that learning that her husband likes to CD can be devastating for a wife.  It can blow apart every preconception she has about the man she fell in love with and destroy trust.  If you feel that you have no option other than to confess to her, make sure that you focus completely on her needs & wants and frame your confession ‘speech’ from that perspective.

7.  There’s more to looking like a woman than just looking like a woman!  The ultra-feminine look you love to admire in the mirror may give the game away straight away when all of the other women in the area are wearing jeans and tennis shoes.  In the real world, less is more and whilst you may feel that toning down the makeup shows more of your maleness, others who do not have the reference point of what you look like as a male from which to base that judgement.

8.  Deportment is key.  No matter how good your makeup skills are and how appropriate your outfit is to your surroundings, if you don’t make the effort to carry yourself in the same way that natural born women do, you’ll soon give the game away.

9.  The behavioral differences between men and women are often nuanced.  Going over the top with exaggerated feminine mannerisms will give the game away just as quickly as blokeish behaviour.  Just act normally and pay a little attention to smoothing over any rough edges you have and you’ll be fine.

10.  There is something quite wonderful about uncovering the inner woman and bringing her to life.  Her ‘birth’ is never easy and is frequently accompanied by guilt, disgust and self-hatred but the day that we can the look in the mirror and like, no absolutely love, what we see is a day for celebration like no other.  From that point on, the energy that we previously put into fighting her can now be channelled into living her life to the full.  The shame we once felt turns into pride.  Our need to hide away in the rearmost reaches of ‘the closet’ becomes a desire to be seen out and about.  Everything that once looked like an impossible dream is now there for the taking.  And we can finally live our life on our terms, not feel constrained by what we believe society expects from us.

Epilogue

As I said at the start of this post, I wanted to end this series with something meaningful, something more profound than the trite and overused cliché ‘if I can do it, so can you’.

So I’d like to finish with a photo.   I have many far more glamourous photos than this one but I have chosen this one for a particular reason.

This is a photo of self-acceptance, of me putting into practice everything I’ve written about in this series. It’s a photo of me proudly wearing clothes & accessories that, for the most part, I bought in person in male mode.  It’s an unaltered photo that I’m happy to share on social media.  It’s a photo that shows that I no longer care if people realise that my chromosomes are not of the XX persuasion and shows that I am still happy to step out into the outside world – why would I be wearing a coat and carrying a handbag otherwise?  It’s a photo that was only possible because, when I was given a second chance by Mrs A, I made absolutely sure that I looked at the whole thing from her point of view and didn’t just make it all about me and came away with a DADT arrangement, not divorce papers.

But above all, it’s a photo of the exact outfit that I wore on 12 November 2023 when I was finally able to walk up to sales assistants & baristas and just be myself – not a fancy ultra-feminine outfit but just an outfit that felt exactly right for the environment I was in and one in which I could just enjoy being me without any concerns or worries.

When I took my first faltering steps to break out of the closet in mid-2019, the idea that I could be the person on this photo was pure fantasy, an unattainable dream.  Things didn’t change straight away but over time I started to realise that the experiences that others were having could be a reality for me.  And as I pushed those boundaries further and further, I could see that doors that had previously seemed padlocked shut were now opening ahead of me.  Some of those doors, I’ve already walked through, some I’m still thinking about and some I will probably never will but that’s out of choice, not fear.  In short, I’ve gone from hating to loving myself and, quite frankly, the whole thing blows my mind every time I think about it!

My journey is still continuing as I draw on the inspirational experiences of my co-contributors but in sharing my own experiences so far, I just hope that someone, somewhere will take a deep breath and realise that the only thing they have to fear is fear itself.  Deal with that and there’s a whole wonderful feminine world just waiting to be experienced.

Or, to put it another way, if I can do it, so can you!

Editorial comment: Mandy, you are a doll! Thank you for sharing, for educating and most importantly, for being you!